It's a strange world but there must be a way

[quirky]

I faced a great temptation at work. Sat in the office taking calls and colleague brings 2 packs of mini muffins ! ! Staring at me. I had none. I kept thinking that I am trying to lose weight. I was so hungry by my break that I ate too much soup. I cooked one big container from home that was gonna last me both lunch and dinner. But I had no bread and had all the soup

 

After posting the thread about my pasta addiction I had a think about my eating habits and how little I know about nutrition. I never understood or related to people that are too healthy but I realise I need to care more about my body, about myself. That's my problem..I don't take myself seriously enough and I often feel that a bottle of Corona beer is enough to enjoy life. That everything is f***ked up anyway so I might as well have a drink and just laugh it off. I don't understand how I can have a nihilistic and simultaneously excitable approach to life.

 

The drinking as well..I don't drink very often but when I do I usually have a few. Depends who I am with though. I don't mind it, I wouldn't like to be one of these people that doesn't drink. But at the same time it's another sign of my avoidance of responsibility, adult behaviour and commitment. I hate all those 3 words.

 

I have a cold and I am very sleepy at work the past days. I asked the cafe guy to give me a sneaky free coffee. I am not supposed to have one while serving customers but I was falling asleep. As I served someone the till opened and pushed the coffee on the floor, spilled everywhere ! ! boo, really wanted that coffee.

 

I am going to a free jazz concert after work and can't wait 8). I will have a drink and I think it will sort out my cold for tonight at least..lol Then later L has the house party but everyone will be pissed by the time I get there. Crazy card guy will be there too so will his ex and I dunno..I don't have the strength or energy to look cool and confident and like 'omg, I am having so much fun!'. But let's see how it goes..

 

Learned 2 words: precarious and sedentary. Google translate is really good.

[quirky]

I haven't done very well with the healthy eating the past 2 days. Drank quite a bit too. It's not easy for me..but I really want to try and change those patterns. Will I ever be good enough I wonder..where I don't need to correct so much.

 

Concert was amazing and I was cool at the party. Crazy card guy didn't check me out much..maybe he just likes my looks, things got a bit weird afterall. Had dinner with the flatmates and I really can't help feeling foreign sometimes. It's so frustrating, I think I could start 50 threads about being foreign and what comes with it.

 

Lately I feel a bit like dating but when I think of the reality of it I get put off.

 

I can't wait to have a lie in tomorow. I went to bed at 3 last night and they were up at 9. Friggin 9am on a Sunday. I have the day off and all flatmates work early so once they're out I can sleep

 

Really need to get organised tomorrow, I've let things slide, miss my to-do lists. I look forward to being constructive tomorrow. If I am quick I can get a lot done.

[quirky]

I looked around the other day and realised that nothing of what I saw is linked to my childhood, to my upbringing. I'm in a different country. The autumn is different, the smells, the scenery, everything is. It made me feel disconnected and wanted to talk to my mum. I wondered what I'm doing here..10 years now..what am I doing here? Is it the Arts, is it that it feels wider, that sense of possibility? Life feels small back home and although I love being close to my mum sister and nephew, lots of people seem closed minded. What is important? My heart is there and my mind is here, I feel more excited and stimulated living here but my heart..always aches a little. People are more distant, less tactile, less open..things I don't understand.

 

I have 2 people here that love me. I had 4 but now only 2. It is sad to realise that, there's more back home. Other people care for me, quite a few..but they don't love me. How normal is this? Maybe it's not that unusual for a person living away from home. I miss S's love..but was it love even? To this day I am so surprised by his actions. Really hope I get over it soon.

[quirky]

I find it very difficult to manage my life. I'm good with my money but that's about it. I write down even when to wash my hair or paint my nails because I am actually unorganised and will forget everything. Or because I want to feel that I complete something.

 

When I work many hours I become lost. I am not being creative and I don't have enough time to myself and then I don't do anything but work and go out. How I wish this was enough..My mind is not focused at all.

[quirky]

I am thinking of the looks I have and which one is my favourite

 

-the 50s style, vintage, quirky, girly look. The one I have most days.

-the gypsy princess look (close to the one above, I just make sure the hair is more dishevelled and I wear flat shoes). I like that one, I have that often too.

-the corporate look. Pencil skirt with a shirt or waistcoat, low heels. I rarely have that because of my chilled out job.

-the silly girly look, short skirt, bigger earrinings, maybe a top with a slight cleavage. Again rarely because of my job and lack of bf.

-the arty, intellectual look. I do this more lately with longer skirts and buttoned up tops. I like it..but not sure it corresponds to my usual playfulness.

 

Here's a look I like but haven't quite got. The gothic look. Very sexy but the clothes are actually expensive. I wouldn't for the life of me wear a corset on its own because of my boobs but I would like to explore it more, perhaps is subtler ways. Though the look is so specific it gives off a certain message and I can't help but associate it with younger people.

[quirky]

I'm so proud of myself going to that meetup tonight 8)

I'm proud cos I was knackered and not in the mood and tried to leave once when I was in the pub. But I stuck it out and it was ok. Only problem is I had too much hummous when I came back because of not having dinner earlier on and THAT is the downside of drinking.

 

I don't know if the talk with my mum helped last night..most probably it did.

[quirky]

I had such nice moments today. I gave someone a discount because they wanted something so much, I gave a sweet couple 2 free tickets, I listened to people and exchanged opinions. I am glad I looked beneath the surface and talked to the seemingly homeless wise woman. And the creative lady stuck in Finance. The wise woman mentioned how some people learn in the classroom and some outdoors, some need a home, some need to camp and roam around wild. Something in me related to that.

 

Last night's reading were very innsightful, I feel like I went beyond something. Commitment issues took me to emotional maturity and to healing the inner child. I need to put the time aside to look into that within. I am posting it here as I know I might get distracted and put it to the side again.

 

Great feedback on my music too, people listened to my track. I hope that Sound Engineer sticks with me.

[quirky]

Something has changed lately..for the better. As if I have accepted things more. I feel like I am getting closer to my most authentic self and I am overriding the fear while doing it. I now know it's the only way to that path of liberation I always yearned for. I realise I have been avoiding something..I can't pinpoint what. But now it's like some blocks are falling down. I am not necessarily happier, just more at ease with myself.

 

I feel less and less anger towards S. Last week when I was at home, it was the first time I looked at our pictures and didn't cry. If he wasn't happy any more..then it's best he didn't stick it out. I am sad about it all but nowadays I see that this wasn't good for me. I see it without forcing myself to see it. I was carried away by the fun, I now remember that I was often stressed with his idiosyncracies. I hated not spending time with his friends, things being on a scedule, worrying not to give too much. He obviously felt it too that something was wrong. My friends say that he will struggle to find someone to cope with all that but I actually don't think so. It was giving my some superiority boost thinking that but now it doesn't. We need different things and it's not that I am better. I am not what he needs and he's not what I need.

 

I understand now the aspects I didn't care about before. That self love and how it translates. Relationships feel very difficult to me and I don't know when I'll manage the next one. It does concern me how easy it feels being single.. But at the same time I am totally focused on my future and empowering myself.

[itsallgrand]

So so happy for you quirky! You are so awesome!

[quirky]

^ sweet 8)

 

Oh dear...I'm not doing well with weight loss. It's so nice getting into bed with a pizza and a diet coke and watch a film. But I need to lose weight. I realised it's affecting me. I thought I was a sexy lady now I see a lot of guys like slim women. I don't wanna be slim but I'd like to lose 20lbs ideally.

 

I have been questioning my sexiness after this online dating experience. I don't really look sexy..but there's not much I can do about it. I am childish and clumsy I can't change that. I feel that the mystery a man needs to feel..with me it starts once someone begins dating me, not before. Welcome to the abyss mate. On one hand I feel safer keeping the wildness at bay until I am a little more comfortable on the other hand I don't want someone to be interested in me just because of my personality. Then..when the wildness is expressed I feel scared because most guys don't expect it and I worry they will run away. I have never had a relationship with someone where all aspects of my personality where expressed. S was the closest. I really missed him this morning, cried some and looked at his fb.

[quirky]

I went to a debate tonight about a subject I knew nothing about. That's why I went I suppose but I was quite out of my depth. It didn't bother me and when a girl spoke to me I was honestt about it. She was so sweet and great to speak to me first. Nowadays I try to not speak to people first and see what happens. Then I was sat on my own and did introduce myself to another alone person and the irony, we had the same birth date, just 10 years older he was ! The convo was easy, we exchanged phone numbers.

 

I thought to myself..I'll have wine because it has less calories than a beer. But then I bought cigarettes..sigh. It's an ongoing battle.

 

Homeless guy flaked on me but I hardly had any expectations. I am vague too with him so what can you do. It truly worries me how attracted I am to the odd and surreal yet yearn for a home, it is so hard to find a man to combine those qualities. I realise I am looking for someone similar to me. The interesting thing is..I look for a certain purity in someone's soul. And often that comes with purity overall which I don't like ! No drinking, eating very healthy etc. Purity and wild, is rare in a man but I seem to see it in women. I am physically attracted to some women but I doubt I can have a relationship with them.

 

I have been drafting a letter for S that I do plan to send him. It is very hard drafting it, makes me cry. But I know I want to put a lid on this, he was so important to me. While I write it I can't believe I am writing to him but here we are and life is what it is.

[LikeWater]

I realise I am looking for someone similar to me. The interesting thing is..I look for a certain purity in someone's soul. And often that comes with purity overall which I don't like ! No drinking, eating very healthy etc. Purity and wild, is rare in a man but I seem to see it in women. I am physically attracted to some women but I doubt I can have a relationship with them.

 

I suppose it probably is pretty rare, but we do exist. I have good heart and a pure soul. I would never harm someone unless I couldn't avoid it (self-defense, protecting a loved one, etc.) I'm an animal lover by nature, and I've realized I'm more understanding and compassionate than most others who walk the earth. Not trying to toot my own horn here or anything, I'm just sayin'...

 

I'm not overly wild or anything, but I do drink and smoke. I smoke a lot less than I used to but I still do. I'm very open-minded about a lot of things and I love the idea of expanding my mind, and as such, I've experimented with consciousness altering substances and have never regretted doing so. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm a very happy drunk, never have I gotten angry or destructive or anything along those lines.

 

I could go on and explain myself in more detail, but that's not the point. The point is just to reassure that what you're looking for... it's out there.

 

I hope you don't see this as an intrusion on your journal. I just read what I quoted above and couldn't help but let you know that you're not seeking a myth, and I hope you find it.

 

Take care.

[quirky]

No intrusion at all LikeWater !

 

Thank you, you give me hope..lol Do you meet girls easily? I very rarely find that combo, and at the odd epic event that I do they often like someone different to them, a more quiet kinda girl.

[LikeWater]

Hehe.

 

Ah, yeah, unfortunately I cannot say that I meet girls easily. Or rather, I don't meet girls who would be interested in me very easily. I don't know what it's like in the UK, but here in the US, smoking has quite the stigma attached to it these days. Most girls, especially in my age range, find it atrocious and would never date a smoker. Add to that the fact that I'm not interested in getting married or having kids... yeah, you get the idea lol.

 

So it's very rare for me as well that I find someone I truly click with. It's only happened twice in my life, as a matter of fact. I just have to believe that it eventually, at the right time, it will happen again. There's all kinds of people out there and I don't necessarily have to meet someone who's exactly like me or anything. Just some who accepts who I am and has the basics of what I'm looking for as well.

 

So yeah, don't lose hope!

[quirky]

Smoking is bad here too.. but I'm in a big city and you do see it still. I don't smoke daily or anything, just go through phases but I always try no to. And I as well would prefer a non smoker. Saying that I met a guy that smokes, drinks and doesn't really pay attention on his diet but he is so sweet, childish and unusual that I really liked him. And he was 10 year older too and I tend to like younger guys. So you never know who you will desire.

 

You're still young, to have found 2 girls already is not bad

 

You mention not wanting kids or marriage, this can indeed be a hindrance but at your age I doubt many girls would be after that. Look at the creative fields, people tend to be more open minded and relaxed and alrternative in those circles. I am creative and all my bf's were.

[quirky]

I have finished the letter and I will most likely post it today. I had a quick look at the one he had sent me and it was so sad.. I also somehow saw past messages on fb. It is so hard to believe all that just goes. But I know now we couldn't be long term relaxed with each other, we're too similar. The tone of my letter..I dunno, is probably a bit detached but how else can I write after all this. I try not to have any expectation as to how he will react.

 

It was nice to see my colleagues the other night. It's nice to also have some ideas for my song, I can't wait to record it. Missing a couple of lyrics lines though..

 

I met D, the guy from the talk last week, met him last Wednesday. We had a good time. I can't tell if there's any spark there but he's interesting. We are very similar just he doesn't seem as dark as me. He asked me out for dinner on Friday. It is so hard to get the connection, particularly what I had with S. We practically loved doing the same things But he was stressful, must not forget that.

 

I went to my counselling assesment and it is always hard. I felt embarassed telling him my crap but that's the whole idea of it, overcoming that. Initially I thought I hope I am not assigned to him because he is hot and married but then I think it might be very good for me to have a male counsellor, a man in a caring position..I think it will help me.

[quirky]

Went out with D tonight. It was nice though around half way through I am thinking of him as a friend, he wasn't flirting. But then at the end he gave me a peck on the lips, twice. I dunno what to think of that guy..I will go out with him again cos he's quirky and enthusiastic and I can be deep with him too.. I just can't see the sexiness. I need to see if it's there before I dismiss it. He seems too nice to be twisted in bed but you just never know I guess..

 

Apart from that I dunno how I got convinced to go to that event tomorrow, I hate that crap, why am I going? I always wanna try new things but I am so wary about this one. Even the venue looks s**t. Oh how marvelous will it be if I'm proven wrong !

 

My new dress is amazing, I wore it tonight ! I think it looks classy. I was worried it makes me look too innocent but not if I wear it with some heels. Wish I had more money to shop.

 

I need to come up with a few more characters or look the net for weird stuff, I miss it. Maybe I need to complete my dance routine, it will be nice to have a dance for the whole theme tune.

 

P sent me some audio files and I need to do a lot of choping and pasting..L on the other hand always needs extra pushing to come over and do some music.

 

I posted the letter yesterday. I wonder what he's gonna say..I can predict it a bit..'I'm sorry about everything, I'm glad you're better'. Let's see.

 

Let's focus on music from Sunday yes? Music and other weird stuff so I can feel at home again.

[quirky]

What a hungover. Unable to do anything for the whole day. Very bizarre event but aparently I was quite popular o_O.

 

I thought S would have received the letter by now and contacted me. I am starting to really lower my expectations, I have to somehow contemplate that it's not what I had built up in my mind.

 

I realised today that I sometimes treat myself as a guinea pig. I am so interested in sociological experiments and 'I wonder how I'm gonna feel in this situation' that I put myself in situations I am uncomfortable. And I drank so much because I was uncomfortable. A lot of my sociological experiments is about curiocity and wanting to taste life as much as possible..which is ok but..another element of it is I am scared of becoming a commodity. I wonder how people go to work, go home, cook, sleep..maybe gym or sex. This doesn't seem to be enough for me. I need to think and be challenged, to create and to overcome.

 

I always want to push my comfort zone but L told me I push myself too much sometimes. I think he's right because this morning when I was struggling to sleep I thought of my characters, CE in particular, and music and the trees and I was soothed. So I need to do more of that.

 

I was flattered guys liked me..but today I felt empty in many ways. I'd like to have that familiarity and comfort back, that sense of home. I do seem to feel uninspired to love a new person.

 

I will be constructive tomorrow.

[In the Dark]

People react differently to alcohol.

And the affects can change over time.

 

I use to be the chatty type when drinking alcohol as long as I was not intending to get wasted.

Now all it does is makes me want to sleep.

 

I guess some people like that generic 'safe' lifestyle which is absolutely fine.

Less hassle, less what if's.

 

Difference with you is you choose to try out scenarios out of curiosity to see what the outcome is which some people need to do from time to time to get answers.

I believe this has to be done some times.

We never know how things may turn out.

[quirky]

Thanks for your comment IND

 

I am very sad today. Life feels very fleeting and transient and it's all going by so fast. I haven't heard from S and it's stressing me. I can't believe we do whatever we do in our lives and then there's nothing. Life is so beautiful and sad at the same time. I feel alone and empty today, overwhelmed by what I need to be doing. There must be a spot for me somewhere too but I feel disappointed, disconnected. I am so sad..scared to dream again yet without the dream I am dead.

 

I am governed by a feeling of absence..what a loss.

[quirky]

What a friggin strange day. Who the hell sent flowers to my work ? ? It is so embarassing..everyone knows. It's noone I know very well cos they'd sent it at my home. So I have 2-3 people in mind. One I have seen twice and the other 2 just met them once at the event, haven't even been out. It's creepy whoever it is..and needy. Now.. I have to put a twist on this somehow and see the fun side of it: that someone likes me and sent me flowers and I shouldn't even bother with who it is because they wanted to be anonymous. Why can't I just see the flattering side of it ?

 

My lesson was very interesting, I wish it carried on for longer. My mind though was drifting to last night's text convo. I am very affected by it..it is very hard to not have feelings for him. I'm still inlove I can't deny it. But I am willing to try and be friends, at least try. I understand his pain too. I am so proud of how I was..calm collected and loving. Pretty impressive 8)

 

Will I apply for that job..? I should..eventhough it's out of my league.

[quirky]

Woke up feeling crap. Just wanna stay in bed all day. I'm gonna take a break from dating and not even accept invitations because it doesn't work for me, I'm too sensitive for this s**t.

[LikeWater]

Hi Quirky,

 

Allow me to extend to you a cyber hug. I hate to hear you're feeling like s**t. I know how ya feel, though, cuz the dating game just isn't for me. Taking a break would be a good idea. We all need breaks from things, even those that we really enjoy and/or that can benefit us, from time to time

 

Hope to hear you're feeling better soon!

[quirky]

LK, thanks amigo 8)

 

Through the darkness of future passed

the magician longs too see

once chants out between two worlds

fire walk with me

 

This David Lynch poem always soothes me.

 

I don't know what the hell is going on any more I just know I want to retrieve. I felt like a crazy woman today, I almost felt delusional. This separation has caused me SO much pain I am starting to worry. I had a couple of those huge pangs of pain realising it's dead between us. There's something wrong with me, I fail to think straight from how incomprehensible it all feels.

 

Do I wish I was not creative? Do I wish I was slim? That I wouldn't drink as much when I go out ?

 

Part of me does but very often I don't care. And this is where my path has been, to learn to care deeply about myself and love who I am.

 

I picked up the flowers from work and whoever sent them is crazy. This is very desperate of them and juvenille because he didn't put his name, I mean.. own up to it man. I shouldn't be surprised, the guys that like me are not usually ok. So happy I cancelled the weirdo tomorrow.

 

I do love flowers in my room, it's just weird they're from a stranger.

[quirky]

I had by far the strangest 'date' ever, the guy is completely out there. I never saw him as anything more than a bit of fun but I doubt I can even do that.

 

It made me think what did I possibly find appealing..

 

The weird guys

 

They make me think outside the box and that brings me at home with my own inquisitive nature

They seem free spirited and it is how I always aim to be

They don't judge and I feel relaxed to be me, the 'weirder' me

They're uninhibited and I feel that I can have fun with them

 

I can never have something long term with them it seems.

 

Maybe this serves my own fears around love

 

I am scared of love, both the good and the bad. I am petrified of betrayal and I worry I might get into them too much. Or that it will be too much work and he'll give up. That I'll find the relationship hard and lose focus of my life. That we'll be very happy and he will die early in life. I don't know love without pain but I am working on it.

 

The gym is quite a new experience, I really hope I lose some weight. Then I'll be super sassy 8)

 

I am happy things are resolved with S. It's weird to think of each other as friends and I do miss him still. But I remember very well now his obsessive routines and how difficult things were sometimes. I know he needs a different kind of woman. I don't know yet what exacly I need in that department. I feel a bit more lonely lately but.. what can you do.

 

I was also thinking about self control. I am not great in that department, much better than I was though. I don't seem to care enough and I don't know exactly why. I wonder if I am selling myself short or if I am really not that much of a catch..or if I am just lost and unaware of what I want. I don't feel common but I am trying nowadays to do the common thing so I can get a decent job and partner. I often feel that there's no place for me in this world, that I am somewhere in between hanging in the air. I want to say to someone everything I like doing and for them to say 'I get it'.

 

I will list some things here.

 

I like looking online pictures of

 

car batteries

computer motherboards

sieves and strainers

electricity pylons

cranes

big cylinder pipes

 

 

Also: videos of plaster application on legs and arms