It's a strange world but there must be a way

[quirky]

So...what a messed up rollercoaster it was with C.

In the 14 weeks of dating him we split up 3 times with the last one being final - that was 2 weeks ago. It all ended in such an ugly way. The short summary is that we had an argument on a Thursday , didn't hear from him and then couldn't even see him online, it seemed like he had disappeared. I gradually started stressing more and more as the hours went by, he is a heavy drinker, has attempted suicide before and has no family here. By Sunday I was really worried, his phone going on answerphone, last seen online 36 hours ago. I went to his house his roommates didn't give a toss and told he he's probably out on a bender. As the hours went on I became frantic and filed a missing person report around 6 in the evening. I figured out who his ex was from fb and asked L to message her if she knows anything.m

Well 2 hours later she replied and said that she had seen him for a drink on the Friday and has now checked with him and he's stayed the weekend at another ex.. :eek::eek:

So I sent him one last message and blocked him from everything. I mean...he truly sh*t all over me. No man has ever attempted to humiliate me this way. I had to then still call the police, text his flatmates and everything felt like the friggin Jeremy Kyle show. So alien to me.

 

I know there was no long term future with him but I am astounded as to how disrespectful he was in the end. A desperate addict, looking for validation and an instant kick. He was sleeping with another woman while I was crying, worried sick he is dead, in a hospital or in jail. No apology of course because in his eyes he'd say I rejected him and he went looking for love elsewhere.

 

I am aware cognitively that this is not a reflection of who I am and my value as a woman but at the moment my self esteem is in the gutter. I feel so mistreated, disregarded, exploited and used. He was talking as if he had felt awakened with me. He was talking like he felt challenged in a way he hadn't before, how I am not a Tinder girl, how much he admires my music, that he hadn't written poetry in 7 years and now felt like some of his creativity was coming back. He seemed inspired, he told me he felt inspired by me, that I live the life he'd like and how he always wanted to have dolls and as I was so keen on that he bought some Barbie dolls and we'd create context and stories. Additionally we were talking about our perfect kisses and how he had never made a woman come from oral sex before or some other things we did and he was talking like it was special to him too. So my world is a little crushed to say the least because I knew he was broken but never guessed he'd cheat on me or end things in such an emotionally violent way. He often said when something hurts he wants to destroy it. Or have sex or drink beer...anything to anesthetise the pain..

I am left picking up my pieces after this crazy 3 months.

 

I am trying to remember how I never felt emotionally secure. I was like a flower yearning to be watered. I know he is a jerk and an unhealthy messed up guy. For better or for worse though I actually felt awakened myself in this intense relationship. I felt a great physical, creative and cultural connection. I felt I found my voice sexually and had just started writing lyrics again. I thought the moments were genuine and shared. Now I don't know what is real. The first week I had this nauseating feeling, the one you get when your world is turned upside down. Disgust, anger, hatred, shame and then conflicted with yearning, sexual desire, loss. It's been a very tough couple of weeks. Today is the first day I feel slightly better. And that is because I saw a Dance performance yesterday and a Hip Hop gig on Thursday.

I found a new therapist. That was another messed up episode where I went to my previous therapist and she eventually told me she'd charge £75 per session. I responded that is too much for me and then she was not having that, she proceeded to tell me how this reflects my low self esteem, that I don't feel I am worth £75, that she is the only breadwinner and has studied lots and how if I do not have therapy I will never get over these issues. How other people are ok to pay it and dismissing my response that I want to have some money for creative endeavours as that is also good for my confidence and wellbeing. Despite me admitting there is some truth on the one/self esteem link she still wouldn't stop and she even said in her text 'we haven't finished' 'come bak for one more session. please".... I was in such a bad place already her approach only compounded my stress and how much of a loser I felt, I thought I was with M all over again telling him no and him overriding me.

 

I managed to summon all the strength I had and said I am not coming to a session at that price, really sorry, do not want to discuss it further.

 

Last Wednesday I went to another therapist and felt so relaxed after weeks of stress. I feel I can start repairing now.

I am aware that I met C at a time in my life where I was vulnerable. I also notice that everything I have done after my father died was about chasing passion. Physical mostly but also creative. That is when I signed up for my drums and singing class and learning the drums has been great for me, I want to continue.

I see how every man I spent time with since Christmas, my attraction to them was mostly sexual. This is also reflected on me going on dates with women. I think that being faced with death makes me want 'life' and creativity and sex are that.

I can think that C came in to my life to liberate me sexually..and if I can hold on to that it will be a gift. At the moment sadly there is sh*t all over this pearl of a gift but I would like to be able to hold on to that voice. At the moment I take it one day at a time.

I still need to delete all his photos, it is hard to admit I actually felt something deep.

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you’re disappointed and hurt by how things ended. And I’m glad you found a new therapist. I’m surprised that you thInk C came into your life. You chose to interact with him - and I think accepting this totally is part of healing form it too. Not to beat yourself up - to own your choices and continued choices to interact with him. You believe you needed another person - and this person in particular- to feel sexually liberated. I’m glad you eventually found out he was ok and that you blocked him.

[Jibralta]

I have seen this type of guy before. Dated one, actually. Fortunately, it was brief (2 months or so). But it taught me something about people. Some people are actually disrespectful sadists masquerading as decent human beings. And they are very, very good at it. But they are nothing like you are and can never be like you. They're not damaged or broken. That's just how they are. It's in their nature.

[Jibralta]

That was another messed up episode where I went to my previous therapist and she eventually told me she'd charge £75 per session. I responded that is too much for me and then she was not having that, she proceeded to tell me how this reflects my low self esteem, that I don't feel I am worth £75, that she is the only breadwinner and has studied lots and how if I do not have therapy I will never get over these issues. How other people are ok to pay it and dismissing my response that I want to have some money for creative endeavours as that is also good for my confidence and wellbeing.

 

What an assh*le!

[Batya33]

I have seen this type of guy before. Dated one, actually. Fortunately, it was brief (2 months or so). But it taught me something about people. Some people are actually disrespectful sadists masquerading as decent human beings. And they are very, very good at it. But they are nothing like you are and can never be like you. They're not damaged or broken. That's just how they are. It's in their nature.

I agree. He acted like a real jerk.

[quirky]

I have seen this type of guy before. Dated one, actually. Fortunately, it was brief (2 months or so). But it taught me something about people. Some people are actually disrespectful sadists masquerading as decent human beings. And they are very, very good at it. But they are nothing like you are and can never be like you. They're not damaged or broken. That's just how they are. It's in their nature.

 

Yes I count my blessings it was short term too. My best friend said both his sisters dated guys like that even longer term. C's ex was with him for 3 years, how the hell..When my friend L messaged the ex she called him back.

 

Ex: I was for a drink with C on Friday. I just checked with him and he is at another ex's place for the weekend

L: Oh, ok..cos he was dating my friend

Ex: Well, she better get used to it" :eek:.

 

The woman responds as if this is a normal thing to accept, I thought dear god.. talk about eating your vomit..like who just accepts cheating as a normality.

I actually think he was with her the whole time but I might be wrong. My messages were not delivered or read until Monday morning so if his phone was switched off how did she get through to him?

He had also told me the week before during an argument "I can go back to my ex anytime you know"..so that last week something had felt odd. And I was feeling more lonely.

I found out also that his ex has studied the same degree as me and it emerged that they had only split up in December and I met him in March. I thought they had split up September/October.

So very likely I was a rebound. It's a real bruise to my ego to be "second". And no-one has cheated on me before. It's all hard to process still both intellectually and emotionally.

 

Anyway..yes my decision to interact. I was getting something out of it, deflection from my pain to some extend and serving a primitive instinct.

It is a struggle getting back to a normality..but I know it's best to be away from him.

 

I still seem to yearn for a thrill.

I am staying away from men now though. I don't care about anyone's validation and actually feel distrusting after this a$$hole's circus. I just need to recover for now.

I do feel very insecure and needing reassurance - I have asked friends to help me with building my confidence again.

 

I watched this program on Malian music today and one on the dark side of phone use and social media - both made me feel good as I like learning.

[itsallgrand]

I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. You wrote it so beautifully, I could feel so much pain through your words.

I'm glad you found a new therapist and that you are surrounding yourself with friends and doing those things you know bring you constant through everything - art, it seems, for you.

[Realitynut]

Yes, Quirky's a fantastic writer. Very emotional writer. Puts everything out there. Love reading....

 

Good Luck Quirky...on healing and continuing finding yourself!

[quirky]

Thank you both for checking in and for your words of support, I never thought I write well btw so it's a surprise to read but glad my feelings come through.

 

I had a very painful morning. Crying for the last 3 hours. Even talking to L hasn't helped. I am planning to go to a Latin percussion mini performance in the square guided by my drums teacher. I feel awful and so low but want to create social relationships through the college and will push myself to go. But even putting makeup on will be an effort..maybe some hip hop music will help?

I miss C and I miss M. And I miss being young and having a more stress free life.

[Batya33]

Thank you both for checking in and for your words of support, I never thought I write well btw so it's a surprise to read but glad my feelings come through.

 

I had a very painful morning. Crying for the last 3 hours. Even talking to L hasn't helped. I am planning to go to a Latin percussion mini performance in the square guided by my drums teacher. I feel awful and so low but want to create social relationships through the college and will push myself to go. But even putting makeup on will be an effort..maybe some hip hop music will help?

I miss C and I miss M. And I miss being young and having a more stress free life.

 

I'm glad you're pushing yourself to go. And I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Does it help at all to remember the upsides? You had a lot of fun with C and a lot of good and adventurous sex, sounds like and great conversations. And with M while you were content you felt that he treated you well and with care.

 

Music will help a lot I think. No need to wear makeup if you don't feel like it - I would prioritize feeling clean and fresh/refreshed (just giving you the advice I would give myself when I'm feeling drained and have to go somewhere).

[quirky]

It's been a very sad couple of weeks but I have felt better the past 3 days.

I have been crying a lot, my relationship with C tapped into something huge inside me, a familial pain of sorts. This is where my therapeutic work is focused at the moment, on understanding attachment even though I seem to need to discuss my time with him a lot. My friends obviously can listen to so much and the trouble is I am sometimes obsessed because of his rejection and I need to get it out and maybe repeat things a few times so it can eventually run its course or move in a deeper and more personal direction. I feel good that I have found this therapist. She is away for 5 weeks and I asked her for a double session before she goes, usually I would worry about the money but this time I just don't care, I need to get this out of my system. I will also have a few private drums classes in the next 3 weeks as my teacher is offering them for £20 instead of £35 during the summer period. I just need some money for my holidays but apart from that I will spend all I have to look after my own wellbeing.

 

2 days ago C blocked me on WhatsApp. It was so strange to suddenly see no face next to his name..it's like he's gone, vanished..a stranger now. People that come into my life and change it and then they are strangers - I have never been able to get my head around this. Which is why I am still in periodical contact with my ex S who brought me here, in regular contact with my ex R (we actually became good friends very supportive of each other) and why I found it so difficult to cut all ties with M. I seem to not be able to handle separations and closed doors after I have connected with someone deeply.

 

I still cry about C or what I accessed with him. It seems to have unearthed so many suppressed feelings of loss. Last night I was out with my friend S and on the way back I thought of stepping off at CA and go in the rock pub we used to spend our nights. I always look outside it when I go past in case he's out having a cigarette. In reality though I doubt he'd be there as these are my ends and he came here mostly because of me. I have thought of going to his house, contacting his ex, tracking his phone, sending him an email..I have thought of every pathetic thing a rejected person will consider. The lack of closure has been very difficult to deal with. Sometimes it feels that one sentence of acknowledgement or validation from him would be enough to purge my demons but that is not going to come. He's probably already f***ing the 3rd woman after me.

 

Yesterday I went through all our messages to copy any of his poetry I might want to keep. There was a theme throughout of his need for me to attend to his needs no matter what, how easily he'd feel rejected and become angry or think I have rejected him. And how tormented I seemed to feel about it all, every time I would part from him I was crying for 1 day, always wanting to be somewhere else apart from work, the separation anxiety, the need for his validation..just such an intense and anxious relationship.

 

I tried to journal this week because my friends said it can be good.

I wrote a list of why I am better off without him and that list was LONG. 2 days later I wrote a list of what I will miss about him, that took effort but it is the right thing to do, to acknowledge an experience holistically. I still feel haunted sexually, pleasure and freedom and excitement are associated with him sexually and I have no idea how I might find someone so exciting for me in bed but here's to hoping I can co create that.

 

I got a new doll and that made me happy. She looks very alien, white all around with white eye sockets and no eyeballs. As I am making context for her I am entertaining 2 scenarios - either she is from the future or she is from a parallel universe, another dimension of this current life but their civilisation is more advanced. L recommended the latter because he believes time travel is most likely not possible. S suggested quite a complicated story which made her be both from the past and the future - I loved reading his messages about it, how creative he is. I love it when my friends ask me and contribute to the dolls and any story I seem to engage in.

I have thought of a fictional TV series I could have in my head or with friends and to call it something like 'Attachment Dramas', like 'tune in for the next episode of attachment dramas where L discovers how his dismissive father informs his shopping habits'

I will seek further advise and suggestions on it.

 

I have been chatting to M but will write about this separately soon.

 

Work was a joke the past week, I was online most of the time reading on forums about other people that have experienced a messed up relationship like the one I just had. Frankly this and therapy give me a lot of solace, to see that others have been caught up in the web of a broken person and the acceptance I need to nurture around that - I see myself as immune to bad guys and have felt slightly arrogant too throughout my life, that weak girls fall for them but now here we go, a knock to my ego.

 

A great thing that happened last week is that L came around and sorted out my music software. I can write some music again. I am out of practice. I have a lot of lyrics about C and his addictive personality, the lyrics I had written is as if he is talking about it. I don't know if it is helpful to have a song about him though - I think it will be better if I process my own experience through a song.

 

I am looking for other jobs and courses and thinking of the next steps.

 

My colleague is back next week and I cannot wait for that, it's been lonely the past 2 weeks especially with our team leader leaving.

[Silverbirch]

Quirky, I can identify eith so much of ehat you write about attachment, its origins, how it plays out in your relationships. Oh, and the drama-filled relstiondhips with self-obsessed men. Im feeling quite confident that Im currently/recently involved with somebody who is different in so many ways to any of my exes. What I noticed about him early, and its something we have discussed is that he is a quiet person who really dislikes drama. My exes also did most of the talking. As much as I like this man and hoping it works out, Im keeping my eyes open. I lost my father many years ago now, but I will never forget what a dark and difficult time that was before and after.

 

Let me rrassure you, the sex is infinitely better - best I have had in my own life. Men dont need to be narcissists or dominant types to be amazing lovers.

 

I went to drumming classes before I moved to the country - Djembe and? Derbouka (not sure about the spelling. I lived Derbouks most, but what I loved most about drumming was being part of an orchestra. That was such an amazing experience. I wished I had learnt cello from ehen I was young do I could play in an orvhestra. For me, there is nothing I can compare to being part of a happy orchestra with a teacher/conductor who connects well with the musicians. Everybody has their part to play, some parts in little groups innthe orchestra, and sometimes, I even had a few seconds on my own! What a wonderful way to BE with people. X

[Silverbirch]

This isnt the group I eas with though they are from Melbourne and more skilled than us. Most of our drummers played with their hands whereas most of these using sticks. It does seem to capture the joy of being in a drumming orchestra

 

[Batya33]

I think it's kind of circular as far as exciting in bed. All depends how you happen to define exciting at the time, how you interact with the individual person, if you actually need sex to be exciting and if so, how often? I think in a short interaction with an unavailable, troubled person to whom you have a sexual attraction then it's going to be exciting if exciting is never knowing if this is the last time, knowing he doesn't really care about you as a person so it's a challenge to get him to care more/be more vulnerable combined of course with the physical aspects. If that is exciting then you don't have to wonder "if" - you won't find it outside of those kinds of parameters. My sense from your description of your interactions with C was that it was more about you and how he made you feel about you and what he brought out in you and much less to do with who he was as a person to the extent you got to know that in the time you knew him. That might also be valuable information moving forward.

 

I hope you feel much better and that things settle down for you. I like your tv series idea!

[quirky]

My romance with S is developing and so is my anxiety.

I am doing everything I can to keep it in check and to transcend it. I realise I need more time to do my own things as it gives me confidence. I get lost in the vortex of my desire for S and have fallen behind with EVERYTHING in my life - course, drums practice, seeing friends and eating well.

 

On the flip side we are very smitten with each other and for once I feel mostly hopeful about someone.

 

I am plagued with guilt towards M though.

2 weeks ago he sent me a message that he'd like to meet and see if we can fix things. So much crying...Had he said that 1 month ago I'd have jumped in his arms but now..I have met S and it would be suicide going back to M.

Trouble is that M speaks to my darker side, to the co-dependence and the neediness. M is also insecure so I feel like home with him.

S is confident and collected and I feel like a f***up next to him but when I move past those insecurities I can see we have the foundation for a very good relationship with similarities not only in values but also in our hobbies and how we approach life. He listened to my music 2 days ago and said he loved it which really helped me relax. S cannot comprehend how I could have self esteem issues because he thinks very highly of me.

 

S is so beautiful I feel mesmerised looking at him. He is extremely good looking which sometimes intimidates me but surprisingly he finds me very good looking too.

He believes I am the one and I won't be surprised if he is right, for once I am not seeing a million red flags.

He has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.

I have done a drawing for him after our first date and gave him a poem before I went away for 2 weeks. It made him tear up. He has my picture on his phone screen and we have already exchanged a couple of gifts each.

 

S is more reserved and I need time to understand and accept that. I want him to ask more questions and allow me to talk a bit more as it helps me feel cared for. I want to share everything but often need 'permission' and encouragement to do so.

I believe we are both too infatuated at this point to really listen to each other and when he speaks I often need to really focus on what he is saying because I am distracted by his looks. He said the same thing happens to him too.

 

In all the ways I end up feeling insecure I am also getting a feeling that he is still holding back some things due to pride and previous hurt.

 

My main challenge is to get back on track with my own life and build my confidence through that.

The other challenge since I met him is to think about anything other than him!

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are both really into each other and enjoying especially the initial excitement! I hope you can keep your future goals in mind and still enjoy the day by day! I do think you need to accept that he is more reserved/private as long as he treats you with respect and care. Why do you feel the need to share "everything" or the reverse? Maybe he also likes having his private space- physical or emotional or both? I remember being that way about someone's looks -someone I dated for a few years. He's still cute in his 50s (and happily married to a man!). I could not believe I was with someone so gorgeous.

 

I hope you can take space to make sure your life apart from focus on him is fun and fulfilling.

[quirky]

I am having a real flare up of low self esteem.

I feel that S has all the good and I am 'less than'.

I am also having more communication issues with him than others, I am a non native here so I often stumble on language barriers but it seems to be worse with S. We also have a different sense of humour.

 

I find myself often frustrated when we are conversing. Either because we don't understand each other fully or because he sometimes finishes my sentences and doesn't let me tell him what I want to tell him... or the minute I have said something he has something of his own to add to the story, rarely just sitting with a story and exploring it.

 

I notice that often he will tell me first what is going on for him before I do. Last time we met I started telling him about my week, within 3 minutes it shifted to his week and 15 later I was frustrated. It often feels 'easier' to just let him share and then hope he has the resources for me. He is not a selfish guy. It is just that unfortunately for me, due to my training, I can now offer a listening space to others that they cannot offer to me. I think I also struggle with the fact that I have mostly dated more quiet guys and that allowed me to talk more and process things.

 

He also talks about racism a lot and I don't fully understand where he is coming from. My ex R was black and so is one of my best friends and we often discussed race issues however I feel out of my depth with S as he seems more aware and sensitive to aspects I cannot get straight away. I do want to though so I can understand his inner landscape better. I may buy a couple of books or talk to friends.

 

I saw myself as a diverse and unique person but with S I don't feel like that any more. It's like my specialness is gone and he is more special than me. Perhaps it is that we are similar and unconsciously fight about who is more special.

When I told him once that I feel he doesn't seem to recognise aspects of me that others have reported as unique he said that he thinks so highly of me he is almost intimidated and makes him feel he should be doing more. I guess now he has seen what a f**kup I am :-(

 

I need to do something to lift my confidence because I feel very uncomfortable carrying this sense of low self worth that is also sometimes accompanied by shame and paranoia.

I also want to find a way to remain articulate when S is around..I wonder why this happens, why can't I access my words when he is around?

[Batya33]

I think this often happens when the infatuation/rose colored glasses come off. It's normal, kind of typical in interactions/dynamics like you described a few posts ago.

 

. It is just that unfortunately for me, due to my training, I can now offer a listening space to others that they cannot offer to me.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with training - I think it has to do with you being concerned about asserting yourself in a gentle but firm way to make sure you are listened to as well. Please don't tell yourself stories with expensive verbage like "listening space" -there are laypeople who are great listeners, therapists who are terrible listeners (personally, maybe even professionally, who knows) and everything in between. Sure you might have specialized training but we're talking about a new personal relationship and telling yourself it's because someone without your training cannot "offer" good listening in a romantic relationship, a caring ear just makes no sense. And I know you're treating it as an excuse, too.

 

You're getting to know the real him. Your confidence level is affected by that because most people want to be listened to and understood - your reactions might be based on low self esteem but your feelings are your feelings and I think it's normal to want to be listened to and I think you've put him on a pedestal because of the sexual chemistry. I hope you feel better soon!

[Jibralta]

I really like what Batya said. You make a lot of excuses for your boyfriend, but I wonder if his behavior towards you is actually the source of your diminishing self-esteem. Being around people who minimize you really does affect your state of mind. It is stressful for even the most confident people. What people way to us and how they treat us really does matter. Therefore, I suggest you stand up for yourself. Do not permit that to happen.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add that it's fine to read up on topics your SO is interested in - I have read about football/musical theater/a bit of Star Trek and I keep up far far more with current events and read more nonfiction because of my husband. But not because I think I have to be "smarter" for him -just because I know that it's interesting to talk about current events,etc. I haven't read a thing about Star Trek in years but I watch a bit with him. I also learned about theatrical lighting design when I dated a guy who was passionate about it. It improved us but also broadened my world.

As far as racism I would only read books or articles if he suggests it in a way like "you might find this interesting" - it's such a broad topic and so subjective that why not just listen to his perspective and not feel like you have to get it exactly as he does?

[quirky]

S broke up with me suddenly 2 weeks ago.

 

I cannot find the words still.

Today is 6 months since we met.

[Batya33]

S broke up with me suddenly 2 weeks ago.

 

I cannot find the words still.

Today is 6 months since we met.

 

I'm sorry this happened and I hope you feel much better very soon.

[Realitynut]

I'm sorry. I knew you were so hopeful. When you feel up to it....come back and vent. We will listen.

[quirky]

Today at work I was 2 seconds away from tears the whole day. When I came back home I couldn't stop sobbing.

I feel so deeply hurt and rejected.

He broke up with me in a 3 min conversation after promising a future.

Everything moved fast I know...but somehow it felt certain..I don't know why as I haven't dived in so deep before. It really was reciprocal.

I genuinely thought I had met my forever person.

When you know you know, if we ended it would break me, you are the best girlfriend I have ever had..how can someone say all these things and just cut you out?

After that 3 min conversation I haven't heard from him and it is 4 weeks today.

I feel such a fool at inviting him back to my home country. My family welcomed him, my mum spent a lot of money. And he dumped me 2 weeks after.

One of my childhood friends died and I wanted him to be more engaged with me emotionally. He said he cannot talk about death and he feels I want him to change so he is done.

 

I wrote him poems and gave him so much positive validation and let him in EVERYWHERE in my life when I still haven't been at his place due to the complex situation with his mother, haven't met his mum and when we came back from holiday where he met my whole family we went to his area and stayed at a hotel....like I am some dirty secret.

 

Just so much pain at the moment.

I am very angry.

At letting my guard down for once and having this result.

At his absence and silence as if all we shared is worth nothing, not even offering a proper goodbye

At wondering how much was genuine when I thought we were on the same page and he was accumulating material to justify his exit

At myself for overlooking his cowardly nature because I thought he was the one

At him cutting me out like all other women when he promised it was different

At my foolishness

At life itself

 

I have no energy, desire or stamina to love or put myself out there again and I want to be more selfish, I have gone too far the other way flipping caring about everyone's emotions way too much.

 

Since my father died it is just one pain after the other, I feel so done and tired of hurting.

[Batya33]

I'm very sorry you're hurting. I think this is the same person but you'd posted earlier about some issues you could see cropping up between you but it sounds like after that you believed those were resolved? Often I know things feel especially certain when they move fast and especially when lovely words are said in the midst of the whirlwind. He probably believed those words when he said them and being "the best girlfriend" -well, compared to what -what was his past, what kind of relationships was he comparing it to, what was he looking for? I'm sorry you are feeling so angry and frustrated about what happened. Maybe it's concerning that you felt he needed so much positive validation? Certainly we want to be there for those we care about but it sounds like he was kind of like a wounded bird or presented that way and you wanted to rescue/fix him? I dated a guy like that once and found myself attached to men like that at a certain point in my life (my late father was bipolar, my mom was his hero, hmmmmm).

 

Of course you should heal now, and even thinking about being out there must feel too soon I'd imagine. Please try not to make any significant decisions about that right now. JMHO.

 

I hope you feel much better soon.