It's a strange world but there must be a way

[Batya33]

I am so sorry about the loss of your father and glad you could be there for your mother. I'm glad he seemed to be at peace. I am traveling tomorrow with my son even though he is getting over an infection (not contagious at all but means we need to travel with liquid antibiotics) and even though I have work to do, am tired from caring for him, don't sleep as well there, etc. because my mother, who is healthy as a horse, is 82 and I am very, very aware that you never know. (she did have a heart attack a few years ago but has been great since then and my father passed away last year-they were married 62 years!).

 

But you get to that point where you have to accept that reality of "could be 20 more years, could be next week" so we're going.

I'm sorry your sister is acting that way -my sister almost always got more of my mother's attention -for both positive and negative reasons - and fortunately she and I are very close since we were teenagers so that helps but yes I can relate! I remember a few years ago she and my mom came to visit me and my son who was about 4. They could only stay a few hours. When we got there my sister who couldn't/wouldn't eat the food I'd prepared wanted to go across the street in a beautiful neighborhood to get some fruit. My mother immediately asked if she should go with her. (at the time my sister was around 50 lol). Reflexive -she just got there to see me and her grandson and she's worried that my sister needs company to go across the street (nothing could be further from the truth). I spoke up and my sister was happy to go on her own. But yes that family dynamic is irritating -I get it!

 

Just let M be off your radar and it sounds like he means well and wants to offer sympathy and condolences.

 

Again very sorry about your and your family's loss.

[quirky]

Thank you Batya,

I don't know if I have mentioned before but my parents are divorced and my mum is not affected by this, they divorced 34 years ago. My mum does not absorb herself with 'negative' emotions and overall avoids painful topics. She is very fun as a person and not analytical.

 

How have you managed to be close to your sister whist carrying the awareness that she gets more of your mum's attention?

I sense that my life seems less important because I do not have a big career and kids.

The way my sister was towards me was one of the main reasons I left my home country. Things have improved now as she is having therapy (and I did for 2 years) but she is still narcissistic. What really bugs me is that she appears so strong to others yet she is relying so much on my mother and on men's validation.

 

The last guy she was dating fizzled out, it lasted a month. 2 days after we went to my dad's house and she had informed her ex boyfriend that we would be there but I didn't know. He came by and they went for lunch for 2 hours whilst I was at my dad's home going through papers, his belongings etc.

I mean..she can see the ex boyfriend anytime, why in that moment at my dad's house when I would be heading back in the UK the next day..it felt disrespectful of my time and so desperate for validation. The little time she was there she was taking selfies and being on her phone. Yet others actually see her as strong and a fighter that moves on quickly.

[Batya33]

So I think I accepted a long time ago that my sister needed more attention from my parents and my mother regretted letting my sister depend on her so much for doing school work, etc. Also I guess as a reality when my sister was a young mom of several children with a not too employed/distant husband I guess my mom thought she needed more of her time then too and yes I felt constantly (!!) that because I was not married/did not have kids I meant less/was less of a priority. Interestingly, my father was very interested in and invested in my career, my ambitions, my career goals and extremely proud of that. He made some noises about my being still single, etc but mostly he was into my studies/career.

 

My sister is just more fragile than I am and in other ways she is much stronger -raised several kids, two with special needs, yucky divorce later on, health issues and had to recreate herself as a massage therapist to make ends meet post-divorce. So I guess there's a balance and certainly my mother gave me a lot of attention and still does - and in a very small way being a mom myself gave me more perspective. I write "small" because I never ever agree that you have to be a parent to understand what it's like to parent -in some small ways - you know the minutae, the details that moms might bond over in a facebook group like what color gatorade to give a child who's ill (not red or purple!) or how to co-parent with a seemingly clueless spouse. I cannot stand the uber-categorization and labeling people go through to find ways to create boundaries to friendship "you're not married/you only have one child/you never stayed home/you were never a working mom/your child never preferred their left hand while you were also trying to nurse your infant", etc.

 

I think the more you can distance yourself from your sister's shenanigans the better because she is not going to change. Ever.

 

I think your sister had the ex there exactly because of why you said -and it's not going to change, I'm sorry it's so frustrating!!!

[quirky]

That was helpful to read and I did have a chat with my sister. I wasn't able to outright say 'I feel that you were disrespectful of my time' but I did ask her what was going on for her and told her that from now on I want us to be more clear about what we'll be doing as I would have preferred to go on my own on a different day in the end.

She also said how mum pisses her off and I tried to encourage her to have a daily 5 min with mum just to check in and allow her to say how she is. I highlighted that it'd be good for her to bring some calmness into her life as she is taking a lot on and ends up being unavailable to everyone around her. She seemed to understand that. She then talked at length about the car mechanic that fixes her car that is also a single dad and how she could approach him- she always say 'just as a friend'.

 

I am grateful that I got the job I applied for. I start in a month's time. This is a relief as I had gone to the benefits office earlier in the morning and had lost my will to live.

 

So this one month I need to get back on track with my eating habits and overall well being..

M has sent me a couple of heartbreaking messages..I feel lost about that. I haven't yet realised the reality of being single as I have been preoccupied by my dad's demise and unemployment but I have fear now and sadness of leaving that relationship and not knowing what if anything is to come. Maybe there's no such thing as the right relationship for me..I spent 2+ years this time with him and we bonded a lot. I am scared of overcoming that or remaining single for a long time and forever missing a chance to have kids. He is so keen and certain..he said he will not move on and thinks I just need some time to realise that we are great together, he said in one of his sentences 'WHEN we get married'.. I feel sad for him to be willing to marry someone who says is not inlove with him. But I don't know what to do about it or my own feelings. I deleted him from facebook but that's hardly the beginning of moving on. At the moment I just try and take one day at a time.

 

I am meant to be meeting friends tonight to celebrate my new job and end of my studies. I feel slightly nervous as I am fragile and somehow do not want all the attention on me but they are good friends and I decided to go ahead with it.

 

I feel like I am in a space somewhere up in the air, somewhere in between, feeling sad, floating around..something like that.

The new job will provide me with a better income and I anticipate that fondly. I have lived on such a low income for years..I feel it will be good for my confidence to earn a bit more and I will be able to be stronger within my family because of it.

[Batya33]

I'm proud of you for all you are doing to try to move on. So this occurred to me. You know how you wrote you weren't sure about seeing your friends at this time? I wish I were they self aware / I jump to obligation or "of course I have to go" and don't pay enough attention to how I'm really feeling about socializing. I've gotten better at it out of necessity. But think about it / you have this gift of self awareness and being comfortable with saying no or not going with what'S expected. How about tiding those same skills when it comes to deciding about M?

Congratulations on the job!!

[quirky]

Yes I understand that obligation, it's such a prison. I wonder if it's based on existential anxiety of time running out and an underlined fear of loneliness - i.e if I don't socialise none will be around for me. How do you experience it?

You made a good point because actually I usually celebrate things a lot. If there's a celebration, I have the wig, the cake, the lot. I had bought candles for a cake but decided to take the night as it comes and so I didn't feel like blowing the candles. I might celebrate with my family when I go back in 2 week's time.

Seeing my friends humbled me as these are people I have met here in the UK and they have become so important to me, people I trust and feel truly comfortable with. It was weird that in one sentence there would be congratulations and condolences..that's it, surrealism within normality.

 

Today was a difficult day but I try to let myself cry. I have felt quite lost and lonely the past 2 days..I went to the shops yesterday and that helped, bought new pyjamas and stayed in them for a long time.

Today I struggled to get going. I did some of my tasks but not all. I did start investing in a healthier diet though.

Booked 2 concerts and arranged to go with a friend to a gallery on Thursday. I can probably get free tickets.

Tidied my room, threw away some clothes to a charity shop.

I love the fake septum earrings I bought and the other ones for my ear - it's a cool look without the real piercing. If I lose enough weight maybe I'll do a cool hairstyle.

So this is the biggest I've been in the last 15 years, I was 167lbs this morning. I knew it'd be bad, I haven't been looking after myself. But I will now. I have to lose 30lbs. Maybe I should phrase it 'I am going to lose 30lbs'.

 

Better head to bed, it's been a sad day.

[Batya33]

I sure hope tomorrow is better! I experience the obligation as "of course I have to say yes to a family outing" or "of course I have to go out to eat even though I'd rather have toast with nutella at home with the tv on in my jammies". Saturday night we had a large family dinner at a mediocre restaurant. I was really tired from traveling and we had limited time because of my son's schedule. I was served last out of a dozen people. When I finally went to take a bite one of our cousins started asking me questions about where we live and I said "sorry I have to eat something but I'll talk soon" -and you know how hard it was to say that? Ridiculously hard. Obviously he didn't know about my hunger/limited time, etc. - and 'normal" people are fine talking and eating but I needed self-care -to focus on eating slowly and in a relaxed way. But still I think that whole obligation feeling kicked in. Cousin was totally fine with it.

 

I don't think I have a fear of being alone -I think I just see it as 'of course" you say yes to socializing and saying no is a rare exception. My older sister says no all the time (except she'll hang out with me lol) and also says no to eating with other people -she'll go but won't eat and she doesn't care what people think. I wish i cared a bit less.

 

I'm so glad, despite all I wrote, that you made plans you like!

[itsallgrand]

I am so very sorry for your loss, love. My heart is with you.

[quirky]

This feels like a strange time.

In many ways I appreciate the gap I have between work as it is allowing me to relax as much as that is possible. I have been eating better and started following a running app. I have gone 5 times now. Some I enjoy others I wonder if I will be able to sustain this once I start work and my suspicion is I won't. I really wish I liked exercise and enjoyed eating well but the reality is I mainly feel restricted and irritated - I want to find a way to tackle that but it's a continuous problem in my mindset. I wish I saw this as nurturing myself and my body..why don't I?

 

I should be having lots of free time but in my usual fashion I have ended up booking myself for lots. Seeing friends and doing things. It's nice though I do wonder why can't I just stay in and just read or start on some of my creative ideas etc. Loneliness perhaps and again the notion of I might as well see people now I have got time.

 

I think about time constantly. And at the moment all my thoughts are around life, death and love.

I am very angry at my sister..she is so narcissistic. We talked briefly yesterday for dad's service next weekend and she told me the details in 5 min and the rest of the time started talking about a new guy she's getting involved in. Then she sent me some videos of him. We're on such a different level. She doesn't ask anything real about me and how I am and I experience that as ego centric, none of my friends is like this I just don't get it. I am scared of our relationship once my mum is gone.

 

The truth is I have noticed this amongst us humans. Noone is listened to properly, with presence and empathy, so we all end up wanting to talk a lot about our stuff because we are all frustrated in some way. I try and listen properly but it is rarely returned, only from other people that have been into therapy and understand the value of allowing space through active listening. I only feel properly listened to by L. I really wish I could speak more to others freely because I need it at this point.

 

I dreamt of dad the other night and I was crying in my dream. I wanted so much to hold him and see him again. It all looks so silly now, the times I didn't open up more or hug him more. It is utterly surreal that this is it he's gone.

I went to visit a local cemetery and that somehow helped..being amongst the dead was like being close to him. It was a nice sunny autumn day and I went on my own, I tried to just be with myself. It felt good.

[Batya33]

Sounds like a lot of changes and transitions! I'm glad you're trying out the regular exercise - I'm a huge fan, for many decades. I understand the restricted/irritated - one suggestion is throughout the day drink water -set a goal for yourself of 8 to 10 glasses at least and have it near you for gulping/sipping etc -get your body used to feeling hydrated and nurtured in that way -that won't feel "restricting" and that might help you feel the benefits of clean eating too (and do you drink enough when you exercise?). if you can find a youtube video or similar for yoga or breathing for under 15 minutes and do that -again, getting more in touch with your body and what it's capable of. Happy to PM with you about exercise since my version these days is basically low tech/simple/routine - but I do feel nurtured/vital/alive. Healthy eating - I've made some healthy changes over the years but I'm far from a healthy/clean eater and that in part is because I do feel deprived/restricted fairly easily (don't take away my coffee or nutella or treats!).

 

Sorry again about the loss of your dad -I wasn't close with my dad and he died over a year ago but I found myself wondering why my niece didn't name her newest baby after him (a tradition).

 

I agree about listening -I'm listening to what you wrote and I can relate - do you think social media/texting has decreased listening skills at all?

[quirky]

Batya, I was very appreciative of your last post even though I haven't posted here for a while.

 

I started the new job mid november but it will start properly in the new year. It will be demanding but I have a feeling it will toughen me up. I have to find my own referrals/clients, find space/ a desk on 2 days a week, see people in cafes. I dislike feeling unsettled. I work in mental health and I want to feel as grounded as possible to manage the client's material but there's no money in my field and space is scarce now - a lot of services that offer social support are closing and libraries are asked to make some profit. What is also worrying me is that my closest colleague is a needy Leave voter, he seeks a lot of reassurance. He has a few visible disabilities and I believe he has traits of autism too - he can come across abrupt to fragile clients and it is cringing to hear. he is very happy to have him and so is the Team Leader but I communicated with her gently that I want to offer my energy to the clients and not spend it reassuring my colleague.

The weird part is..for 3 days a week I am at the exact same office I was before - basically this organisation has taken over the contract from my previous organisation. I miss my previous colleague so much. I feel embarrassed as to how much I miss her. But in may ways she was my rock.

 

The good part about this job is the salary. I plan to use any money I make to visit places, I dream to see the Northern Lights either from Iceland or Finland. I also want to o to Edinburgh and Prague. these 3 trips will be my priority and in the next few years I would like to go to Cuba and the Caribbean.

 

This past 2 weeks I have been missing dad and M a lot. i have felt susceptible to go back to him. He sent me a gift for xmas and that sparked a conversation. He writes to me as if we're not broken up..he even invited me over for xmas day, offers to talk whenever I want..it is so tempting. I understand that he was so unhealthily doting that it will take me a while to get over this. I really miss all he did for me and how safe I felt with him. I feel hopeless at the moment in terms of relationships, sadly I seem to deeply believe that noone will look after me like he did and he spoiled me so much in every way possible that I am just irritated by all other man. It even feels strange paying my share at a dinner at the moment, it should be the most normal thing but he was earning so much more than me that I hardly ever did pay. I miss his massages and cuddles and the familiarity we had. Anyway..I don't know..it's dangerous that he's brushing over what happened but I guess he always did that- minimising issues.

 

I have felt quite alone in my grief. My sister makes no mention of dad and I simply avoid calling or messaging her. I realise that I try too hard to preserve relationships and keep us close - I do wonder why I try so hard? I value communication and honesty and that is why I break things down a lot but it worries me that i see that as my duty. In the new year I would like to learn to sit in discomfort more. I am going back home for New Year's and have decide to take 2 days away and go somewhere with snow on my own, I keep having this need to be in snow.

 

We will need to go through dad's clothes when I get back.

 

Quite frankly I am waiting for the new Year and spring already, it's been a difficult few weeks.

 

I shall continue my music hobbies in the new year. Food wise I have gone off the rails and haven't run since I started work. I will revisit those goals.

 

I also found myself looking at spermbanks and the cost of it all. I considered going to a talk and finding out more. It seems that it is either Mat or this option at the moment, I feel nervous, sad and confused at that - how am i even here? I guess having children wasn't my priority in life so it's no surprise. But after dad died I am just implicitly or explicitly aware of dying alone or having noone to burry me.

 

Christmas day was good and I had some great fun last Friday too.

[Batya33]

Sounds like a lot of transitions that you're handling well IMO - sounds so normal all the fluctuations in emotions and being a bit in limbo -and I think it will all settle in.

 

I gave myself one year when I turned 37 to figure out whether single mom by choice was for me (for biological clock reasons). It took me two months or less to figure out it wasn't (I did some reading, spoke with a few moms in that situation, spoke with my mother and sister). I would have frozen my eggs in my early 30s if it was a viable option (technologically it was not back then). In hindsight I regularly am so grateful I did not choose the single mom by choice route for the reasons I did back then plus more. I never actually was motivated by the "not dying alone" part because it just never was a reason and on a practical level it doesn't guarantee that anyway in any way.

 

I'm showing my bias. Ignore it. I hope you make the right choice for you and a future child. I'm glad you're not seeing M anymore and impressed that you're sticking out the new job.

[quirky]

No don't worry about showing your bias, I am interested in your view point.

Are your parents still together? To me single mum in many ways looks easier because you don't run the risk of conflicts in the child's upbringing. I understand you also have noone to share things with. I saw in M the inconvenience of being 'tied' to an ex he ended up disliking and couldn't fully be free of because they had kids together. My own parents also didn't have any relationship after the divorce. I think my mum never said anything horrible but neither complimentary about my dad- it was a subtle attitude of looking down on him. In our adult lives both me and my sister have frequently looked down on men or cheated, now I can see more of where this comes from as my mum demonstrated that disposition.

 

I have often felt two opposing things for men, I either disrespect them or fear them.

In my family everyone is divorced, even my grandmother. My mum, aunt, sister have divorced so far. My uncle died at 58 two years ago and used to beat his wife and he beat my mum too once. They had a business together and that all fell apart after he beat her up. My other uncle was a heroin addict and in all honesty just ended up wasting his life. My mum hasn't been violent but my interpretation is that she learnt to shut down her feelings to handle the madness around her. Her and her 3 siblings grew up in an environment of domestic violence.

 

So perhaps I do not believe in lasting love and the single mum scenario seems so normal to me. I really try to believe but deep down I have a lot of anxiety around relationships and that's probably why I try so hard in relationships. I worry someone will get hurt, bored, will die, will become selfish..I worry always that something bad will happen, even from my end.

 

I'm glad you're not seeing M anymore and impressed that you're sticking out the new job.

 

Gawd, I am so close to calling him and giving it another go. I miss him so much. I miss the way he cared for me. I cannot see how another man will handle me like he did. I try to remind myself to picture this..April 2019 when Brexit does happen and the complications this has for me, administrative and emotional. I imagine myself hating the whole friggin thing and looking at him knowing he voted for it! Btw I still don't know what to do about this right now, whether to wait for this settled status that the government talks about (we will still pay for it) or try and get permanent residence now and citizenship a year after that. I don't feel British though though neither do I want to pretend otherwise. I am fully integrated but I am not British. I definitely need to get the citizenship though and then decide my future, it'd be stupid no to after 15 years in the UK.

[Batya33]

In my personal values I concluded that a child deserves at minimum to be born into a two parent stable family with a strong preference for the parents being married. I would maybe have adopted since that childceild already be here and not by my intentionally bringing a child into the world knowing I wasn’t married or at least in a committed partnership with the father or other parent (hypothetically if I was a lesbian which I am not). My entire focuscwas on the best interests of he child not my desire to be a Mom. Obviously there’s an element of selfishness when it comes to desire to be a Mom but as s matter of degree I personally could not deprive a child at the starting gate of the chance to be born into a two parent stable family. I understand many might disagree. In indsightt I am beyond thrilled I followed my values. You have to figure out your own values of course.

[Batya33]

Of course I’m only referring to single mom by choice. Not a parent who becomes a single parent because of divorce or heaven forbid death etc. and I don’t share my personal opinion on this unless asked. I know it’s a really sensitive topic. You have to do what follows your own values and do your own balancing whether they involves your desire to be a parent or whtvis best for a child brought into this world by you or some other way of balancing. My best resources were my mother and sister. Books helped and.certsin other people. I was friendly with a woman who had 4 kids on her own with an anonymous sperm donor. HSe osrks full time and last I knew had the same full time nanny for over 10 years. And some hlep from her parents and siblings. She was often in highly risky situations such as when she was ill and her nanny couldn’t be there etc. from what I know all the children are fine. I only met two of them. I don’t think she’s dated in many years. She used to date a lot and stopped in her late 30s when she started having kids. I set her up with one guy after her first child and he ended ifvwhen he realized he wouldnt be able to take even short vacations with him.

[quirky]

It has been a mad time and I feel kinda sad i haven't written here. I think it was just too much to put into words.

I had an abusive/manipulative exchange with someone back home during New Year's that really messed me up. Someone I wanted since I was 21. I was so vulnerable I guess it's no surprise I got entangled into that. Considering how I lusted after him too. But it threw me big deal and affected my confidence.

 

M has been contacting me periodically, I even told him about that guy and he said he just feels more protective towards me..

Poems, emails, songs, flowers..he even said he'll wait for me at a pub on our anniversary. He is tripping on a different orbit to me.

Tonight I managed to be really firm and aggressive. Other times I had asked him to let me be, to please let me go..but nothing really worked. Because he is not listening to me, he thinks he knows best. And I wonder how he calls that love..

 

I'll try and write here a bit more.

 

Work is intense as always. It's hard enough with clients' stories but I hate working with this colleague. I do not believe in luck but I feel genuinely unlucky with that setup and very worried I will not last long in this job. Unless I become quite rude and avoidant of him. Once again I feel that someone else will benefit from the hard work I put into things.

 

It feels difficult to move to where I want to go professionally. So much money on more training, volunteering..how can I continue doing this in this city. I really wish I was good at something that at least rewarded me with money rather than slaving away to help people and perpetually struggle. But my job does feel like a vocation so..

 

sleep is alright, weight loss not good. I am considering signing up to a gym to see if that will help me.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry things are such a struggle. I'll respond to the gym thing. I would not join a gym as a motivator - you'll feel too guilty if you don't go. What I would do is maybe take a trial class at a gym somewhere and find something that is easy and routine to do - that you can do on autopilot even if it's boring. And my best suggestion is that as a start, do whatever it is first thing in the morning -wake up early if you have to and spend at least 20-30 minutes on it. have your water bottle ready in the fridge your workout clothes ready and put them on as soon as you get up. No excuses. Have what you're going to do ready -whether it's a youtube video, a DVD, going outside or running up and down stairs. Planning is everything. And once you get into a regular routine -whether it's 4 times a week or 7 - then look into gyms in the area if you want some variety. But that's the order I'd do it in.

[quirky]

Thank you Batya and I think I agree with the 'first thing in the morning' suggestion - now the days are getting longer I feel more confident that I could go for a run before work.

I did sign up to the gym though but haven't been yet. My plans have been thrown by a pleasant surprise..

I met someone 2 days ago from OKC and I have never had such a good date before. I wanted to be close to him from the minute I laid my eyes on him. Actually from the minute I read his profile.

We spent 6 hours together and even kissed and held hands. I have only done this before when drunk and that was with M but the feeling is just different. Unless some crazy stuff pops up from the closet I feel that he will be my next relationship if not more than that.

He is a drummer !! But with a stable job, great DIY skills and love for his family. Quite frankly I have been unable to think of anything but him, I cannot sleep either. Yesterday we texted like 15 times and I just never do stuff like that but I feel incredibly drawn to him. I even made a drawing during my commute and sent it to him. He seems mega keen, tactile, smart and creative guy, like...am I dreaming? Alongside that of course my relationship anxiety is triggered. i think..'where is the catch, will he have sex problems, will he think I am too emotional, will we get bored of each other quickly?'

I cannot wait to see him tomorrow. I find it hard to work but I find it hard to do anything but just be with him. And even that is hard because I just want to be in him somehow rather than next to him.

So mad, haven't felt this before.

I have felt this instant pull but this seems to be accompanied by something more 'normal' too.

[Batya33]

I don't think it has to do with relationship anxiety. it's just your plain ole common sense talking. He's a stranger, your hormones don't really know the difference between stranger and someone you know well, and the instant pull -which of course is mostly about you, your feelings, your reactions -not about this person you barely know - is irresistible.

 

I say enjoy the instant pull, head in the clouds but feet on the ground and I would get to know him in person over a reasonable period of time rather than the constant texting insta-relationship/speed of light approach your hormones are advocating.

 

I met a number of men where that happened including kissing. Absolutely it can become something serious and long lasting but often that's not mostly because of the instant pull -that's an awesome memory, that's a great reminder of why it started and how but when it becomes something lasting it's because you go through the process over a long period of time where you learn about him as a person warts and all and you still choose love, commitment, giving and caring. Nothing instant about it but man is it a great pull too (not really as much for your hormones just all over a great pull experience IMO).

 

I agree with your last sentence -the word "seems" -you will know if seems is equivalent to reality within 6 months to a year if, IMO, you choose to decrease the texting, get to know him in person, see him how he is when he's sick, when he just got a new drummer gig, when he's on vacation, with his family, his friends, how he treats strangers, etc - and then it may become not "seems" but is. Take your time -if he's awesome and right for you what is the rush??

[quirky]

Thank you for trying to ground me, I will read your message again tomorrow before I see him! I feel hopeless!

I am trying to control my urges but it seems impossible, it is a REAL REAL effort and it never has been to this extent and the trouble is his keeness too - a couple of other guys I wanted like crazy they didn't respond in the exact way that could have fed the craziness so that helped me stay more grounded. I am struggling to even sleep because of the aliveness I feel inside me and the perpetual smile on my face. I am having sexual dreams too. I have spare energy and have helped a lot of people since Sunday! I did my flatmate's share of the cleaning rota because she is stressed and overwhelmed, I said to her I feel good let me take that off your plate - made me happy as I know it helped her and it is a reciprocal relationship.

 

So today me and sex god drummer had a video call on our lunch break but only for 5 minutes. Then more texts, he sent me a video of him playing the drums, I was drooling..

I hear you Batya, must not do the texts as much. I wonder if I am drawn to the novelty of it. Most people I have met they talk about the early stages of dating and how exciting it is...I always felt strange at the beginning because for me the early stages were usually harder and the stages where I'd be most judgmental, so this is very different!

 

I do fear he may be a tad needy or not as happy with his life as I am. In our texts i talk about more varied things but maybe it's because he's a guy, he was definitely open in person. So much I want to know about him! Look forward to tomorrow

I am counting the hours like a prisoner for when I see him again

 

On the side note I am doing quite well at work.

[Batya33]

It's totally fine to feel the feelings -they are your feelings. You are in complete control of your reactions and choices as to how and when you interact with him. I would let him get to know you at a reasonable pace over time too like unwrapping a package, slowly. if he is texting a lot it's perfectly fine to say "I love chatting with you and i have to sign off for now but I look forward to seeing you [date]'.

 

Again I am not at all saying that this will be one of those crash and burn situations - happy marriages can definitely start this way! For me personally they haven't -and for varied reasons but all tied to actually getting to know the person. if your ultimate goal is potentially long term it's worth having some restraint now so neither of you get overwhelmed for example -or ignore flags - before this can even get off the ground.

[Pleasedonot5]

Feel for you. My style is more blunt and argumentative, so:

 

1. Stop responding to M. You are allowing the uncomfortable communication to continue.

 

2. Look for another job while you do your best in this job.

 

3. Train/become educated in what you want to do professionally. What's stopping you? You.

 

4. Calories in vs. calories out. Diet and walk/run/swim. Join a gym or simply walk outside and get low sugar and fat options at the stores or restaurants you go to.

 

Argue/discuss with me as to why you cannot do these things if you would like. Here for you.

[Batya33]

Feel for you. My style is more blunt and argumentative, so:

 

1. Stop responding to M. You are allowing the uncomfortable communication to continue.

 

2. Look for another job while you do your best in this job.

 

3. Train/become educated in what you want to do professionally. What's stopping you? You.

 

4. Calories in vs. calories out. Diet and walk/run/swim. Join a gym or simply walk outside and get low sugar and fat options at the stores or restaurants you go to.

 

Argue/discuss with me as to why you cannot do these things if you would like. Here for you.

 

For me what's even more important in no. 4 is practicing and putting effort into knowing your hunger cues, knowing what food you need to satisfy your hunger (meaning sometimes it is thirst, so drink water, sometimes you need protein the most, sometimes you are not actually hunger and it is an emotional response), eat everything but practice portion control, and find habits that work for you -for me I had to stop grazing/nibbling sweets during the day which is mindless eating that adds up - I have never been overweight but been food/diet conscious for most of my life and had to be careful about cholestorol the last 10-15 years).

 

I think 3 is way too simplistic. Obviously we stop ourselves in most cases but if you don't know why then it's almost irrelevant. And what you want to do professionally -that also often requires unpacking want v. should and what is actually realistic. For me it didn't for the most part and i can strongly relate to when it does.

[Jibralta]

I wonder if I am drawn to the novelty of it. Most people I have met they talk about the early stages of dating and how exciting it is...I always felt strange at the beginning because for me the early stages were usually harder and the stages where I'd be most judgmental, so this is very different!

 

Same here. I used to be much more judgmental in the beginning, but that changed. To this day, I have not been able to figure out what caused the change. But like you, I initially imputed extra meaning into my feelings of elation because they were so different than what I felt before. But it turned out those giddy feelings really don't mean anything. I guess it's the whole cupid's arrow thing that I used to see in cartoons. Finally, it became my turn to get shot by the arrow and act a fool. Now, it may be your turn.... Have fun, and try not to fall too hard!!

[quirky]

Of course you were all right.

This deflated quickly.

He told me yesterday that he has a 4 year old son. I was like..why wasn't this on your profile, on the first message or even the first date..? He said we were having such a good time on Sunday and I looked so happy he didn't want to ruin it o_O

Instead I got dreaming and now I am even more disappointed. I do understand his apprehension but he withheld really important information. He said he felt guilty about it and understands if I do not want to get involved.

The rest of the date was mixed. I didn't find him particularly stimulating intellectually and I felt like a more interesting person compared to him. I also got a strong sense that he is lacking in self awareness and sees the world in rather simplistic and slightly negative way.

As he is 3 years younger than me and with a child already he is not set on having a family any time soon but is open to it a few years down the line - he is dating mainly for companionship and I sadly cannot do 'a few years down the line'.

But the chemistry...I could not find a single flaw with it. I want to have sex with this guy so much. But I do worry feelings would develop.

He said he wants me 100% not just for fun.

This has felt like a one week relationship it's mad and I got carried away as I have never been in such a situation before and didn't have a reference point. Now I know that no matter how good a date is I will not stay for more than 2 hours with him and that this initial pull is not because he is the one but simply because of physical attraction.

 

I am utterly gutted. I actually feel very sad and teary today. Every time I find that passion with a man something else that is important does not click. I want that passion so much, it makes me feel alive, understood and connected. The men that fulfil what I want sexually do not tend to be the men I date long term and that truly saddens me. M was the closest to that combination of reliability and sex but as I was not inlove our sex life didn't have the depth of sharing.

 

I haven't worked at all today and had 5 hours of patchy and stressful sleep.