It's a strange world but there must be a way

[testcase]

Hey Quirky.

 

I'm really sorry to hear things have been hard for you recently. I really feel like you're making the right, albeit tough, decision. You have to remember you've had doubts for a long time. Maybe the vote was just the nail in the coffin.... but if you two differ on that it's honestly a pretty BIG difference. Deal breaking? Maybe not for everyone. But I absolutely understand how it's taken you back. I know I can't, personally, even understand that mindset.

 

It really seems to me like you two have huge differences in a few areas. The perfect example of opposites attract! Drawn together by the strengths the other has.. that doesn't always make the best relationship. I'm sure it's a ridiculous tough situation to be in. I know you obviously care greatly for the guy. But there's someone out there that won't set off this many flags for you. I don't think anyone is perfect! But there's someone out there you won't be constantly questioning what's missing with. As Baya said... When you know you know. In this situation I agree.

 

Stay strong! The right decision isn't always easy. I have regretted quite a few decisions I've made over the past decade. But believing there's something out there that will just feel right. Something that will click. Well, I know I've been there once before... and I have to believe even though I'm older it can happen again. I think that's worth it.

[quirky]

Testcase, thank you for posting and for your words. They really help me.

 

Maybe the vote was just the nail in the coffin.... but if you two differ on that it's honestly a pretty BIG difference. Deal breaking? Maybe not for everyone. But I absolutely understand how it's taken you back. I know I can't, personally, even understand that mindset.

 

Do you mean your values mean a lot for you too? Are you very much about the people, pro diversity etc?

 

I think what I find difficult is that the relationship wasn't deteriorating. In previous relationships I could see the end coming, we'd been having problems, arguments, had become tired of trying or had too many fallouts and the breakup felt like a relief at least initially. With M it wasn't deteriorating and in some ways it was getting better. Couples counselling seemed to be helping..ultimately it helped me trust my voice more I guess.

 

M seemed willing to learn whatever would make me happy and keep us together. To this day he claims I am the love of his life and that his love is now stronger than ever, that he can really feel the pain I feel now the country seems divided and he regrets his vote. This has happened on a few instances before but my concern is..am I acting as his moral compass? He said he likes that. He obtains meaning in his life through our relationship whereas I don't think I do.

 

When he says he regrets 75% of his life I find that very sad. I have been broke most of my adult life and flatshared and had 7 boyfriends and no kids and I don't regret my life the way he does. And I understand that this has to do with how authentic one has been. Despite my life's struggles I feel that I have lived by my sword and that I was deciding things not someone else wheres M feels a victim of circumstances and life decisions.

 

I started changing my room around to freshen things up and reached out to people.

 

The friend mentioned above we will chat on Sunday.

My best mate L has been a star and I call him and his girlfriend whenever I feel like calling M. They feel relief and happy for me to not be with M.

Agreed to meet one of my classmates tonight but I am hesitating because he's just so hot !! and I am vulnerable right now. He has a girlfriend, it's just I always fancied him a bit. I know he is smart and insightful and chatting with him will be helpful, plus I miss the course and people are a link to it.

 

Some good news

 

- I have a first interview for one of the jobs I applied last week!

- I am still attending Weight Watchers, I haven't lost in the last 2 weeks but I am attending and plan to lose this week. I have lost 19 lbs in total though and I look and feel better in my body, many of my clothes fit nicer

- I purchased a Positive Psychology course to help me lift my spirits whilst getting a certificate.

- Changing my room around is actually a very positive step as it's been like this for 5 years.

- My breakup companion book arrived today. And so has my purple mascara.

- My mum gave me a present online for graduating and I bought a great skirt and crop top, can't wait to collect them! I love clothes shopping.

- Been trying to arrange a german conversational group in the area and we might meet tomorrow. I doubt I remember anything but still, it's an effort!

 

 

The plan is to also try my rollerblades properly again soon.

[tiredofvampires]

I realised that throughout my life I have been trying too hard with people. I try hard because I hope they will do the same, I care hoping they will care, I offer myself hoping they will offer themselves. Not constantly but overall I'd be hoping for something, a better society if that. This is all driven by my own existential anxiety, fear of loneliness and rejection. I started to understand that I still saw myself as a mistake in this world, that need to be explaining myself (I am obsessed with clarity) comes from an apologetic disposition of who I am or a needy place of wanting to be understood and/or accepted. In one of the sessions I said to the therapist 'I feel that it will take me forever to explain to you what it is I am sensing/experiencing' and I realised I wanted her validation that what I sense in M was correct because I am too apprehensive to trust my own judgment. In a previous session she asked me if I often don't know what I am feeling in a relationship and I replied that I do know but don't trust my judgment (I have returned to almost every boyfriend I had after splitting up with them). My inner narrative is that I am too much, too intense, too emotional, not realistic etc and that is the narrative that stops me from trusting myself.

 

It's been a while since I've been able to catch up a bit with your journal, quirky. But I just wanted to let you know I completely relate to the feelings you've described here, and how well you've put them into words. Man, I am always so blown away by how similar your workings are to mine. This is really me, to a "t", or it has been through most of my life. There is definitely a lifelong theme of feeling somehow left out because of my disposition and nature, and genuinely wanting others never to feel that way; while still in some sense wanting to receive the same tolerance, acceptance, care, and recognition that I extend. I'm such an inclusion-ist...and yet in some deep internal place have excluded myself. However upside-down that seems. And the mistrust of myself and my judgments, my reactions, my feelings, having to intellectualize things to try to make sense of what can't be decided in the intellect.

 

I don't envy your situation with M, and I really feel for your dilemma. It's easy for me to sit here and speak to it from a distance of not being the one in it, with him, with the scales in front of me of weighing out the things that work about this relationship for me, and the things that I realize don't make my heart sing in it the way I dream of.

 

I also think it would be easy to say materialism should not be a reason to marry someone, following our gender's timeless tradition of seeking a provider. But it is also deeply embedded in our female DNA to want to feel protected and taken care of, and it's equally in men's DNA to feel satisfaction in being the provider. And that yin-yang is worth respecting, however much our modern story moves in the positive direction of parity and self-reliance and independence as women. So I can understand the practical draw to him, and the strong attraction to his worldly stability very well, and I also think the older we get, especially if the idea of a family is in there somewhere, the more pressing that instinct is. Heightened of course by the fact that we artists, and those in non-lucrative vocations, are that much less confident in ourselves as support structures, for ourselves and others. I used to try to dismiss such feelings, but I've come to accept that this is somewhat a phenomenon of nature, especially if you've lived a life of material hardship. A materially stable man is an attractive man -- at least in that one domain.

 

Having said that, based on what you've written here...about the anger you feel, the guilt...the doubt...I don't think you will ever feel that you've made the right choice with M if you stay. I think there's something redeeming that he regretted his vote, but I also think that in some ways, for all the strength he stands for materially for you, you see him as weak, a weak man emotionally and morally. And I think these ways, put on a scale against material strength and manliness, are the ones that matter most to your heart. I don't think that you see him as "a man", in the more philosophical sense. As in, someone who lives by his lights, someone who does not betray himself, someone who values what is right for all. Instead, it seems you see him as someone who is really very lost, sold out, and looking for some pillar in his life, because he is not one himself, except in the realm of objects and tangible things. And he uses this in a way to keep you.

 

I don't think that when you consider spending the rest of your life with someone, guilt should ever be a predominating feeling. Whenever I've tried to figure out what I really wanted with a partner, I've asked myself how I really would feel when I feel my worst about them, if it lasted the rest of my life. It's all good and well that he's tried to improve things, and that's a good start to a better relationship, but it's possible that what he can give to you is ultimately not going to satisfy your need for someone who really shares your values, as opposed to mimicking them at best. I think it's been a values clash from day 1. And I find that when two people don't share the same values, it's hard to make anything align. Some couples can pull it off. I've seen conservatives and liberals marry, and be happy, but nor are they passionate in their views and polar opposites, either.

 

I just see you as not being ultimately happy with someone who provides certain comforts and loves you but who you don't admire, too. If you feel guilty and sorry for your partner, it's a sign of something really fundamentally incongruent.

 

For all his money, he really is more dependent than you are. And I don't think you will respect that in the end.

 

Just some thoughts, and commiseration. I know you'll do what you need to, and listen to your own intuition in the end. I find that what my gut tells me is usually the most gut-wrenching thing of all, and the thing I least want to hear or know. The gut that doesn't lie is never a bringer of good news. So it takes time to be ready to act on whatever it's telling you.

 

You have to be ready for a freefall, a leap of faith.

 

Hugs.

[quirky]

Thank you for your input TOV

 

I'm such an inclusion-ist...and yet in some deep internal place have excluded myself. However upside-down that seems. And the mistrust of myself and my judgments, my reactions, my feelings, having to intellectualize things to try to make sense of what can't be decided in the intellect.

 

I relate to this so much !!

 

it's possible that what he can give to you is ultimately not going to satisfy your need for someone who really shares your values, as opposed to mimicking them at best. I think it's been a values clash from day 1.

 

I worry about that too.

 

This is a very conflicting situation for me. Putting it simply he's the kind of man I'd never want to date yet online dating's fate brought us together and I have ended up having deep feelings for him. It causes a turmoil inside me. Because the relationship actually works, we do tasks similarly, he is reliable and because he is a father he seems to be able to love in a more committed and unconditional way than other boyfriends I have had, he really values togetherness.

 

I admire a lot of his skills and qualities. I am just not sure I admire his heart. I don't see him as a weak man as such. And I am not with him out of guilt. But he does present himself as a victim of circumstances whereas I believe more in having agency and self determination.

 

I am currently experiencing the current political upheaval in this country and the world overall as aggressive and scary. My sense of home and belonging feels fragmented..I have invested so much here, I have lived in the UK for 14 years in total and suddenly something is shaking my foundations here. I feel "other" and I find solace in being with "other" whether that is other Europeans or members of ethnic minorities. I find comfort in being with similar people to me, in some ways I would like my world to close up, I don't have the emotional stamina to feel challenged and find the empathy in me the way I have to do that with M.

 

I think of how much I have done for this country, how much I have volunteered, even now as part of my training I offer free services. I have worked at shelter for the homeless, the local church, was an Olympics volunteer, I have spent so much money on studies, taxes, shopping, I speak 2 more languages than them...yet some people feel they have priority or are better than me because they were born here. I have gone for jobs like everyone else, some I got, some I didn't. I genuinely feel disillusioned with the world and I am losing faith in mankind. When I see governments agreeing on producing nuclear weapons..what more evidence do you need to see that this is not the answer? Where is the humanity behind this...

 

There is a politician here that me and my friends respect, some of my friends and acquaintances are very passionate about his work, I am not starting to explore it now. M believes that guy is dangerous and a moron. I really wish I found that easy to accept.

 

Because of my training I have tried to be so open and empathetic to others that in some way I have lost my fire and compass, I am WAY too accommodating and the wrong people perceive my open vulnerability as weakness. What I am starting to realise is that my openness affects my boundaries and how some feel they can be towards me. Moreover I think I can't be more firm and bad because I don't want to accept that in me, I can't accept the ugliness of my own human nature and therefore struggle to accept it in the world. Lately I feel that I want to be away from people as it demands a lot of my energy. By saying that I can honestly profess that most of my encounters with people are positive and warm BECAUSE I am open to their world and experience. But it has really struck me now that I try too hard to understand others to my own detriment. Which goes back to the same root of not trusting my judgement.

 

M has sent me a poem or extract of something today. He thinks we belong together. I struggle to fully pull the plug because also I am now in my late 30s and let's face it, my chances of having children are dwindling. Is love about being in love or about being secure and happy enough. I've never really had those butterflies for him, that feeling that the sun rises and sets in his eyes, an urge to write him a song, a poem, he doesn't inspire or share my creativity. I also don't find him funny. Is all that important or is being ok good enough?

[tiredofvampires]

Moreover I think I can't be more firm and bad because I don't want to accept that in me, I can't accept the ugliness of my own human nature and therefore struggle to accept it in the world. Lately I feel that I want to be away from people as it demands a lot of my energy. By saying that I can honestly profess that most of my encounters with people are positive and warm BECAUSE I am open to their world and experience. But it has really struck me now that I try too hard to understand others to my own detriment. Which goes back to the same root of not trusting my judgement.

 

That is very perceptive, and again, I can really relate! To that bolded sentence, but also the whole quote. (though I don't think being FIRM is the same thing as being BAD...)

 

I think there is some greater wisdom to be had, where it's not a false dichotomy : either understand others less in order to understand yourself better; or, either accept ugliness in the world/yourself or reject it.

 

Why can't we understand others as fully as possible, and ALSO remain true to ourselves?

 

Why can't we refuse to accept or become complacent about ugliness (in our world or ourselves), and yet still have compassion for it, to make a place at the table for it to exist and give it some acknowledgement?

 

 

I know there are no easy answers to your situation, or "what love is." I think it's different for everyone. I think there are many people who are fine to live with someone who keeps them feeling secure and is a strong provider, or practical mate. And more power to them! Maybe that is what their heart needs the most.

 

You have to figure out not what is good enough for PEOPLE, but what is good enough for YOU. It really doesn't matter what other people say about being "picky" or "settling" -- it's about what you want the most. Maybe try to imagine how you'd feel at the end of your life if this was your rest-of-your-life relationship, looking back on it. Would you be glad you made a decision to stay?

 

One thing I don't think you should base a decision on is fear. And I suspect that's where a lot of your decisions are coming from. Fear of your bio clock running out, fear of being alone, fear of not finding someone else better, fear of passing something by, fear of leaving something familiar and comforting, there's just a lot of fear. I don't think you'll truly be able to make a clear choice until you are being fearless about it.

 

All I can say of my life experience is that I don't think something that checks out on paper but not in my heart has ever been where I am happiest. And I certainly think that the fact you are not happy about not being happy with this is a sign to pay attention to. Sometimes if you have to ask, "Will I be happy?", you have already answered that question.

 

I'll tell you this, I could never be with a man who isn't funny to me. That trait alone...if he doesn't make me laugh, or our sense of humor doesn't match, it's over. Laughter is the opener of my heart to anyone. I would almost say, if a man makes me laugh, he could get me to fall in love with him, it's that key. But that's just me.

[quirky]

Maybe try to imagine how you'd feel at the end of your life if this was your rest-of-your-life relationship, looking back on it. Would you be glad you made a decision to stay?

 

either understand others less in order to understand yourself better; or, either accept ugliness in the world/yourself

 

These are great suggestions, they are really helping me.

 

I know any decision is my own but because of the issue of not trusting my judgment it helps to speak to people "similar" to me. It makes me feel less alone and less crazy like YES you get it, it's not just me.

 

One thing I don't think you should base a decision on is fear. And I suspect that's where a lot of your decisions are coming from. Fear of your bio clock running out, fear of being alone, fear of not finding someone else better, fear of passing something by, fear of leaving something familiar and comforting, there's just a lot of fear. I don't think you'll truly be able to make a clear choice until you are being fearless about it.

 

Perhaps it's been hard to admit it but maybe there is more fear in me than I realise or accept. Maybe because I so easily try new things and meet new people and spend time alone I forget that deep down I am afraid of ending up alone, unable to form a lasting romantic relationship.

 

I'll tell you this, I could never be with a man who isn't funny to me. That trait alone...if he doesn't make me laugh, or our sense of humour doesn't match, it's over. Laughter is the opener of my heart to anyone

 

You know..the guy I was dating before, R..I found him so funny, talking to him took me out of reality sometimes because he writes hip hop and is quite random and very diverse and we'd just go off on little passages of creativity or he'd say off key things that were so funny. It made things exciting and the banality of every day life more bearable.

[Batya33]

Yes on the laughter - so many yeses. We are so bogged down lately with family issues (we're the sandwich generation with a young child and elderly parents) that sometimes we forget how much we used to laugh so I have to remember to do that. As we were taking off today for our flight home my husband put one of his Iphone earbuds in my ear so I too could listen to the classic Jefferson's theme song (the old sitcom) because of course the lyrics are "we're movin' on up!!!". I was hysterical - our 7 year old thought I'd lost it and just quietly kept playing monopoly on his Ipad.

 

it's worth the struggle to meet that person and I reconnected with my husband right before my 39th birthday. I know you can do this - meaning, get yourself out there and find a person where you feel at home and who you can belly laugh with.

[quirky]

It's been a while but I think it might be good to check in.

 

June up until holiday time was really difficult for me. I went on holidays for 17 days in my home country and that really helped. Spent time with my family...by the sun and the sea...I needed it.

 

I knew already that my assistant manager was xenophobic but it became clearer to me after Brexit. I began to look for jobs actively. I applied for 3 jobs and 2 I really liked. I got one of them and the other one they offered me a sessional work contract, I work about 4 weekend shifts a month. I was so proud of myself. I tried so hard. And those jobs are within my field not in a shop, I am actually using my education. So I celebrated that for a week! We went for a drink with the shop manager and my colleague and the manager pretty much told me that when I started he though "oh for f***s sake, a foreigner working in the shop" but now he's changed his mind. But he added "if only you heard what my brother thinks about me working with you".

 

I was so glad to go. He said other things to my colleague too which I found unprofessional, my colleague has a few learning disabilities and I found the assistant managers comments unsettling. In my new job my colleague is Swedish and wears a hearing aid and my team leader is black british married to a Polish lady. The atmosphere is completely different and I am so happy to be there.

 

Around that time I got the new jobs it was also M's birthday, that was late July, and he wanted to take me out to celebrate my achievements and his birthday. I was on a high and agreed. I have been seeing him since. I don't know what to think about it. In many ways we are the best we've been, especially the last 3 weeks. He flew out to my home country for the last 7 days of my holidays. We had a good time..My feelings seem a bit deeper and part of me feels like I can't fight it because I really don't have enough good reasons. The difference in ideologies, values and warmth towards others is still something that concerns me and prevents me from loving him deeply but quite frankly I don't even know who he is any more, he seems very different to the guy I first met..anything that was a problem it's liek he's fixed it..very strange.

 

Since I started Weight Watchers I have lost 15lbs, I had lost 21 but gained some on holiday and I am trying to lose that now. My friends have been very supportive, they have both given me a month of subscription as a gift, my mum will give me another and M said he will too. As good as my new jobs are they don't offer me any more money and my rent has gone up

 

My biggest concern right now is

 

- to get back into music (I will write more about that in detail)

- see how I can earn an extra £100 per month

[quirky]

I am feeling very strange lately. I am trying to pinpoint it. I feel..absent, like lacking life, somewhat disillusioned. Actually yes..very disillusioned. I now work in the mental health field and it's bleak. Little resources for big problems. I am surrounded by pain and stress mostly. I do have some laughs with clients too. I learn a lot from some too particularly in my bereavement placement.

 

I miss creativity and space. I am trying to make my room as good and peaceful as I can, admittedly I have been more tidy than I used to. I drink a little less too and I have only smoked once since Jan 6th.

 

I have gained back all the weight I lost in Weight watchers What a joke, I am very disappointed in myself about that. But at the same time not surprised because I am now fully aware that unless my thinking changes all those healthier lifestyle initiatives will not last long. I need TAKE MYSELF MORE SERIOUSLY. I do not take my happiness seriously because I still have the narrative within me that I am not worthy of the good things in life. I am also blase' about it all sometimes, like nothing matters..I am gonna die one day soon so why bother. I think about death in some way or form pretty much every day.

 

My relationship with M is overall improving I guess..yet I still feel angry and betrayed at his vote. I am tired of understanding. really tired and angry at this point at myself for trying so hard to understand others' motivations and in the process IGNORING MY NEEDS. I need to wake up. It is very clear to me now again that ignoring my needs will not allow me to continue in this line of work.

 

I feel disempowered..and it's home and global politics, my relationship and my job that add to this feeling. I yearn for the times I have stupid jobs with no responsibility and was still writing songs. I don't know what happened to that. It's like I lack "life". I yearn for a playmate, someone with a youthful spirit to create something together. The creation is what gives me a sense of life and now that it's not present - for the past 2 years on/off - it's like I am losing my purpose. I am really not depressed. Just flat or disillusioned.

[Batya33]

But isn't it a reflection of growth to be able to see other's perspectives even if you don't agree? I think you'd bore quickly with a stupid job with no responsibility but it sounds like you need more balance. I would try to get way more specific about what it means to have a playmate with whom to create something together -that's very vague and kind of sabotaging -so vague that who would know where to begin?

[quirky]

I went to zone 1 yesterday in the tube for the first time in 6 years!! I only went once before when my uncle died but that was a necessity rather than an actual step to heal my phobia.

 

I have been slowly going 1, then 2 stops underground, then a maximum of 5 but always within zones 2-4. And lately I was thinking..when I feel strong I should attempt zone 1 (OBVIOUSLY not at rush hour). So the other day I felt strong and my colleague said that once I pass zone 2 the stops are close together. That helped me pluck up the courage. So I did feel panicky before entering zone 1 but little by little I did it!!

 

I had such a grin on my face!! People were probably getting on about their business and I was EXITING LIKE A WINNER lololol. I almost wanted to stop someone and say 'do you know what I have just accomplished?'? It's incredible how different each of our realities can be.

[quirky]

Life is hard again.

I was told at my job that I am at risk of redundancy with the contract changing hands so I gotta look for other work. I am currently secure until the end of September. I feel so sad about this...I find a job I like and the best colleague in the world and then it's taken away. Everything is so transient in this city. I can get A job but for once I actually liked it. The sad thing is how they went about it, didn't give us many answers and every time we went to ask something the manager would talk over us. Nothing about 'hey, how do you feel guys'. We have been left for 8 months without any management and supervision, blindly figuring out how to work with clients, chasing them for information and they didn't even have the decency to ask how we are. For a mental health charity that's pretty poor.

After the emails I had sent, trying to rummage for information and almost begging them to notice us this has now brought up a lot of difficult feelings. My colleague's written English is not great so me, as a part time member of staff, have been chasing people to get an idea of our future when they should have the decency to be in some sort of contact with us. I think both for me and my colleague it's bringing up feelings of loneliness and abandonment and having to look after one self in a world we do not understand - in this case the world of contracts gained or lost and our rights as workers. I thought HR deals with that stuff.

 

Issue number 2 is massive as my dad is unwell and constantly in and out of hospital. I cannot catch up with what is wrong, each time it's something different. I feel helpless and powerless because I am in another country and all I can do is talk to him and my sister. There's a 2 hr difference with back home and my dad cannot hear well and my calling card fails sometimes or there's no reception or I am in the bus and do not want to speak my mother tongue in public..it's frustrating. I offer emotional support to my sister and to my dad if he takes it up and I also support clients emotionally, I am supposed to be helping them with employment but before you know it employment issues are linked to self esteem issues and then to abuse or something else very heavy - I have even sat for 1 hr with a suicidal client worrying of what the hell I can do. I have no management in neither job so I cannot check my work or feelings with anyone and after offering this emotional support to others the tank is getting empty and I am now running on empty again.

 

I could see this happening so back in April I managed to apply for 12 sessions free counselling just to keep me going though I wish I could relax in a more long term contract - but that's what is available and after a long search too so I take it.

 

I was hoping it'd be a safe haven for me and I could go there and really speak but it is just not working at the moment. I suspect I am so frustrated and resentful that in some ways I do not want to consider the therapist and build a relationship. That is all I am doing every day, considering others and working towards a relationship. I almost want to have some sort of verbal diarrhoea and cleanse myself of all I have been keeping in. But I cannot do it because in essence I am all about relationships. Instead I turn the anger inwards and feel worse and worse about myself for feeling too sensitive and feeling misunderstood and judged. I feel worse after each sessions and I notice that the scores I am filling in are higher in depression and anxiety each week. Clearly this is tapping into deeper things but I just do not have the stamina right now to be stretching myself even more. I need a very gentle, unhurried and understanding approach, not a challenging one. I plan to say that to her too once again.

 

The other issue is my relationship. I met M's kids 3-4 weeks ago and it was a very complicated and sad experience for me. M said they liked me. I saw them 3 as a unit and me as the outsider, I also saw his older son and how he looked a bit like M and wished M was less old and more fun. I imagined myself with them at holidays or living all together in a house and all I felt was sadness that my dream hasn't come true. I know it sounds idealistic..but I was hoping to meet someone with no kids, someone creative and fun that had a job in a field I respected. Instead I am with M that has 2 kids, a convertible car, works in investment banking, has no close friends or family and gives nothing to society. For better or for worse as a partnership it works and I cannot ignore that. And he handles me better than other guys have. Sadly I am not inlove though our relationship has been getting deeper and deeper.

 

Maybe he's so different to the man I was dreaming to meet that it's taking me a while to come to terms with that. I am resentful I am his counsellor too. And I am resentful of the way he was at the early stages or our relationship, manipulative and silencing me. But most of all I am resentful for his vote on Brexit because as a EU national my life feels different here now and I cannot believe he would do anything to jeopardise my sense of safety, acceptance and wellbeing here.

 

That's the thing with M though...once I take the time out to talk to him he will see other points of view but I wonder if I am his moral compass and I know that naturally we had different values. He is now looking to buy abroad in my home country and I just thing..you voted to leave the EU why are you buying property in a European country? It's kinda jarring like..I wanna split up from you but stay around occasionally.

Nearly 80% of our arguments are about socio-politico-economical issues.

 

Ultimately I am angry at myself for not being able to stick to my guns at the beginning. Because now I am in deep and the reality is now..he has changed a bit and there aren't enough logical reasons to leave. But I do not have a yearning/anticipation to marry or have children with him...though I could probably do it and be ok. In some ways I feel that I need him more than I want him. I also suspect he took L's place once L got solid in his relationship. L was service a familiar role in my life in the UK and he is like my protective brother but also best friend and creativity buddy. I know deep down there is a sense of loss for me not spending as much time with him as I used to.

 

One of the things I wanted to explore in therapy is that I haven't been creative for 2-3 years now. It's like a part of me is missing. I have only managed to do 2 covers of songs, no originals. I used to get ideas and think 'I wonder what I could do with that..!' and now if I get an idea I think 'I'll probably do nothing with that'. I suspect 3 things have contributed to the lack of creativity

 

- I focused on a new career and studied and that took precedence

- I had therapy for 2 years and I wonder if some things were resolved and I didn't need music as much

- My relationship with M is not inspiring me to be creative because he's not creative or expressive and we have a different sense of humour. So I don't have a companion to conjure up wacky ideas or dream of absurd visuals. It's not his fault though..it's just not inspiring me.

 

I am trying to lose weight again and it is very slow this time - I have lost 7lbs in 3 months. I lose a bit I gain a bit. It'd be ok apart from that I don't like paying WW.

[Batya33]

Good for you for sticking with WW. While I know your post was more than about M I have one comment:

 

But I do not have a yearning/anticipation to marry or have children with him...though I could probably do it and be ok.

 

And that is all you need to know about why he is not the right man for you to marry. Nothing further and no analysis. Unless both you and he wanted a marriage of convenience or for a green card or something like that. And I know you don't. You both deserve a lot more.

 

I guess my two cents on his contributions to "society" -consider whether that is your subjective opinion and how you define "contribution" - he through his work has given people jobs and money for example and he had children etc.

[quirky]

I've asked M for a break 3 days ago.

I asked him not to contact me or bombard me with messages and for once he seems to be respecting that.

 

It was hard to completely say this is it forever because the truth is nothing big and bad happened. Apart from that my dad is very unwell. Just like when my uncle died, anytime something happens that reminds me that life and time is finite, I seem to have deeper doubts about my relationship.

 

The night before I left my home country I suddenly thought that I will be 40 next time this year. That my dad will probably not be around, won't have walked me down the isle and my fertility will be almost extinct. I understood that I love the way M loves me. That I have no excitement to move in with him, get married and have children. He is offering all that right now. He also wants to buy property at my home country and if I was inlove I should be ecstatic at that. Instead I think my home country is at a desperate state and any foreigner with money can now benefit from it - it's like the country is at auction and I have seen that affect the lives of the people. As M says 'It will never be as cheap as now'.

 

The whole Brexit thing also is just a huge thorn in our relationship. I went at a rally last week and I saw a couple hugging and being there together and realised I will never share that with M.. because I am rallying for what he voted. I have been to 3 rallies on my own in the last 15 months and this is not about me not wanting to be on my own this is about not sharing something that really matters.

 

I also think this is unfair on him though he does not believe that. It's like I am worrying about his feelings more than he does.

 

I'm in a grey area of sorts where obviously I don't suddenly feel single but definitely trying to see if I can carve my life on my own.

 

Spending time with my dad was very difficult and distressing and it has shaken me. Both me and my sister don't think he's got a long left simply because he has given up - there's no terminal diagnosis. But everything feels like a mountain to him, the slightest of tasks. At this time he'd have to be organised and take his meds but he doesn't and then complains. I do not understand his behaviour at all. On one hand I sympathise he's tired and fed up on another it's like he's killing himself and still complaining that nobody cares.

The fact that we haven't been close to him comes with a myriad of feelings. He does not even know when our birthdays are. He was so absent from our lives. But it's hard to be completely angry at that because he is a good, simple and fair person that probably didn't have a clue how to parent. I think my mum took over our upbringing and he likely felt redundant. But to not even be asking anything about our lives, come and see us at a game, perhaps a birthday gift, show SOME interest..a lot of that is coming up but will not be discussed at this point.

 

I felt closer to my sister because of this and we had a couple of deep talks.

 

Still looking for work but with hardly any enthusiasm. There is a chance to have work with my previous team leader for 3 months. If so I might take it so I don't freak myself out now. It's a long commute and working with clients in secondary care which I do not like but it might do for now.

[dias]

Where are you from quirky?

 

Why do you really think that Brexit will affect you?

[quirky]

I'd rather not disclose here as this is an open forum. There are no 'obvious' restrictions to EU nationals in the UK at the moment. There are cases though of people that cannot get mortgages, face discrimination in jobs that ask for candidates with british passports or permanent residence and many people cannot get permanent residence with current laws. I personally can but I advocate and care for the ones that cannot and for the emotional effects of it all - this has caused division in the country, that is the saddest thing. Whoever hasn't been 'other' does not understand, they will just say 'it'll be fine'. Before with free movement you'd be in and out of the country as you wished and citizenship was not a prerequisite. When people ask me why didn't I get citizenship before it's like saying to a British person 'why didn't you get a passport to go to Scotland?' I didn't need to, you moved freely. Now if you decide to leave for a while this cannot be indefinite like it was because then you will not qualify for permanent residence.

I do appreciate that this is a new thing for Europe and everyone is still figuring it out. It's creating a feeling of us and them and of sudden restriction that we didn't know before. There are also a lot of ripple effects in communities like you don't know who to trust when the country is divided.

On a personal level I do require documentation I didn't require before and that costs. I plan to crowdfund for that at some point as I am on a low income.

[Batya33]

i'm sorry there is so much going on and I also think you have your answer. If life's stresses make you want distance from M then that's your answer -permanent distance. I think I wrote to you I did the back and forth where I had doubts -for 6 years or so with the same guy - and I do have some guilt about it even now because I should have been strong enough to leave far before we actually ended things after 7 years. You both deserve to be in a relationship where you both feel at least reasonably sure and excited to be together for the long term (since you both generally want marriage/long term). Why he sticks around is unclear - I see that as troubling as far as his self-esteem and that's a vicious cycle -you push him away again and he's waiting in the wings - doesn't he care enough about himself not to settle for this? Obviously you're not being cruel and your actions aren't cruel -not saying that at all.

 

I am really sorry your dad is so ill (mine passed away one year ago -loved and respected him for the most part but we were not close in part because of his mental illness). I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

 

I think you were single before you asked for a break in the sense that you've had one emotional foot out the door for a very long time despite remaining loyal/faithful in your exclusive relationship. If you've agreed not to date others during this break that's fine -but I would if I were you get in the single mindset and accept that you've basically been "single" for a long time -because I think that will help the transition and moving on. (obviously we're all technically single till we're married/long term committed but I'm referring to a more typical understanding of it!).

 

I hope things improve for you soon and again I'm sorry about your tragic family situation.

[dias]

Hmm... good to hear different perspectives and opinions. Thanks for answering.

[quirky]

Thank you both,

 

Batya - somehow it helps me you say you have felt guilt though I do not wish that feeling on anyone. But I do feel that because he hasn't got any close friendships or any closeness with his parents and I know I was his emotional support, I feel guilty I am not giving back all that he put in. I do think it's unhealthy he stuck around and says a lot about his self esteem but the reality is,..for a person that hasn't been reflective and expressive of his feelings, that hasn't known sharing and honesty in a relationship, that hasn't been able to voice his needs and only seen his duty to provide and pay, perhaps for him my approach has opened him up and it is so far the best he's had. He told me it was always getting better and that was enough for him.

I think the astounding thing is that with previous relationships usually both of us knew something was wrong but in this case he claims that for him it's all perfect and going in the right direction.

 

Thank god he hasn't contacted me, if only he had done that the very first time I ever wanted to break away I wouldn't be here now.

 

I do try to think I am single but without thinking of dating. Whenever I think of meeting someone in the future I feel dread and insecurity. So the only thing that helps is to take one day at a time and try and follow my instinct now as much as I can.

 

On a personal level I feel sad that I haven't met 'the one' yet and let down that the search is not over. Perhaps I wanted to believe him..he was so convincing..I wanted to believe that maybe he would be my home and the search might be over. I would be a normal person then like others that seem to have long term relationships. In a twisted way settling down would equate that I don't have as many issues any more.

 

I feel somewhat blocked emotionally and scared of my feelings. Loss scares me a lot.

 

I talked to my sister and my dad will go out of hospital tomorrow. I feel so sorry for my sister having to deal with this. I look for flights every other day to see if anything has become cheaper so I can go back for 3-5 days and help her with this but..here's where M probably succeeded as he has money for 20 flights.

The doctor said my dad needs psychological support and most probably medication. He also advised us to take a dementia test. It is sad to see the deterioration - sis said that he had some jelly and threw the fruit from it on the floor rather than look/ask for a bag. That he now poos on himself. He has given up it seems. We will get him a nurse. I am sad that it's not like the perfect scenario where we are there day in/out, looking after him unconditionally..I feel so guilty at this point for having moved in the UK. I try to remember that the family dynamics were the main reason for my move and that my sister although has the burdens also has the benefits of family that I do not. Nothing assuages my guilt. If anyone has tips about that I would really welcome them.

I also don't know anyone in my every day life that has nursed a parent or has gone through illness with them, maybe I should look online, there must be others in my shoes living abroad etc.

 

I would describe my state at the moment as a dull permanent sadness that fluctuates either into intensity or alleviation.

I haven't been eating well at all but I haven't been drinking or smoking so that's progress. I plan to start eating better in the next few days.

 

To finish on some positives..

 

I made calls to find out about room hire to set up practice. I had researched before but put a post on 2 sites and got some suggestions. I spoke to one person who sounds really nice and had good rates. I spoke to one that sounded too posh and I was unsure about the location too. I spoke to one that wants a paper I do not yet have so that is out for now. And the other place will email me. I still have 2 places to call.

 

At college

 

I got accepted to do the Teacher training course. I went to the college to see if I can get it at a reduced rate and it turns out I can't. I feel very frustrated that they were unclear about that because I asked from the start..is the concession applicable to this course? 'Should be' 'Definitely' 'I don't think so' - I got all those answers. And I sat and did a Maths and English test and a 2 hr assessment having come RIGHT from the airport that day and it wasted my time and the teacher's time. I am very frustrated at that because I dislike vagueness and messing with people's time and goals.

 

But on a good note I signed up for 2 music performance courses, both lasting 10 weeks and they are starting this week. I got them at 50% discount. I still had to pay £125 which I have NEVER spent on myself at once before. I think L and L will chip in as a birthday present they said which is just so great of them. This is truly an act of self love in this crazy time because I have not been creative for 2 years and I am now doing something about it. It will also help me reconnect with myself and give me something to feel good about whilst getting over M..I can only hope so.

[Batya33]

often it's extremely difficult to deal with a parent who has an illness especially if it involves dementia.

 

I would force yourself to get down to clarity and simplicity about M. Get as basic as possible like "I am as certain as I'll ever be that he is not the one and I am not into him enough to marry him. But he wants marriage to me. We want different things. So, we should go our separate ways." It's totally fine to be single and choose not to date -now or ever or whatever. Also understand that he had a long adult life before he met you and perhaps he didn't have the types of close friendships you do, or the types of emotional support ,but he made his way. And he'll make his way again without you. It's ok and it's not all on you.

 

I am glad you're seeing such progress in other areas of your life!

 

There are many support groups out there for adults taking care of ill parents. I hope you find one you like and that helps you! So sorry you're going through this.

[quirky]

Thank you, the simple way of putting it helps.

My colleague told me something useful she heard on a show. To ask myself 'if no-one would get hurt what decision would I make?'

 

And I would decide to leave.

 

The real difficulty here is that the relationship is not bad per se and nothing terrible has happened (though his vote counts as that for me). I am fuelled with doubt that this is on me and my dysfunctions, everyone in my family is divorced and now my sister too and all women in my family are critical. I have been very critical too in the past, I believe I have improved a lot but I am sure there are traces of past behaviour.

 

Apart from the loss of the relationship I dread that with it I have lost the opportunity forever to have a family with someone - a natural family at least. The national health system offers IVF for the next 2 years of my life. I am so aware I haven't got long at all for that and feel some sort of pressure to get over M asap so I can possibly still have a chance at a family. I truly hate my age right now.

[Batya33]

I hated my age too, I can relate more than you know if that helps at all. So to me making a commitment to someone is a positive, life affirming thing that has a measure of wonder and excitement and even some jitters -but the standard should never be the relationship is not bad per se and nothing terrible has happened (though his vote counts as that for me)" Would you want him to be with you because "well, you're not bad for me per se and you've only done one terrible thing to me since I've known you so yes let's get married".

 

I understand about wanting a baby. Don't do that to a baby - having a baby with a partner who you're not that into. It's just not fair to the baby (let alone the baby's dad).

 

If you think you would feel this way about anyone at all then I'd continue with or go for therapy or at least do some reading. I think you know that this is a case of being wiht the wrong guy, not that you can't be with anyone.

 

I went through this in part when I ended my 7 year on and off relationship when I was 38.5 years old. It was so hard because I had fewer doubts than you did, I did love him, but he definitely was not right for me and I wish as I mentioned I would have ended it for good much sooner. I desperately wanted the opportunity to try for a natural child too. Desperately. I get it and I'm sorry you're going through this. and yes I did consider adopting if I got older and was single (because for moral/ethical reasons I wouldn't create a baby as a single mother by choice although I know women do -not for me, not judging).

 

And 2 years and 2 months after I ended my 7 year relationship I started trying to conceive with my future husband. (never did that math but it's true). It can happen but every day counts.

 

All the best.

[quirky]

Thanks, it really helps me reading your story..

 

I had a terrible day today. I have been crying on/off since I woke up, my eyes are killing me.

Dad got back at home, my sis had to clean up his diarrhea and him today..it is just awful. It's caught us by surprise without time to put something in place. We are lucky that she found a 24hr nurse starting tomorrow. His friends cannot stay around long either because they get sad. Isn't it tragic..at the end of our lives to be ending up with strangers..

 

I am utterly sad about all this and still incredibly guilty. Though my sister is enjoying her new relationship and find sit relaxing being with him. It is shocking to me...she kissed that guy whilst still in a relationship with the guy she had an affair with whilst married. She split up from the affair and 2 weeks later started seeing the new guy. Admittedly he sounds good but although this screams unhealthy to me I also envy it that she can move so quickly. Her life is manic, constantly doing something.

 

I was crying as I was thinking of a lot of good times with M, our holidays and some in jokes/stories. And fearing loneliness.

 

I spoke to my previous team leader and the job he mentioned didn't flourish so I am screwed now - I have 2 weeks left of work. Need to find something asap. I truly lack the energy.

 

I slept late and woke up early, it really has been a tiring day. I got my period 7 days early too.

[Batya33]

Oh that sounds like a long and rough day -so sorry. It will get better and you will be ok. Too much at once, I know. I hope you got a good night's sleep.

[quirky]

Sadly my dad passed away on 1st of October. He died in his sleep. I have been back home and came back 2 days ago. The funeral was difficult and I am experiencing a lot of upheaval and multi layered feelings. A lot of fear around death too, my mum's mostly. And fear around loneliness, not having a husband or kids.

 

There are still a few things to sort out but I cancelled his phone and landline and arranged his gravestone. I went by his house too and picked up some things to keep.

 

I am very disappointed with my sister..she seems to mostly care about work and guys. Constantly on her phone, not showing interest in mine or mum's life and she takes up so much space in our conversations. Her decisions create mess that needs to be picked up. I keep yearning for my mum to see how unfair this all is but the truth is she won't. Because they live together and because my mum is that type of person that will take steps back. I hate feeling like a beggar and need to find a way to not be yearning for her love attention.

 

I came back exhausted like a zombie and went to a job interview yesterday morning. I really want that job. I hadn't prepared with all that was going on. I did what I could..they will let me know by the end of the week they said or latest next Monday.

 

M continues to think we're meant to be together. I am absorbed by my dad's death and do not have the slightest energy to deal with that too. He's not being pushy but if he texts me he still calls me baby and I don't like that.

 

I have been eating like crap and last 5 days smoking too. Naturally I lack the enthusiasm and motivation to better my body..but this is not good for me either.

It's hard to believe I will never see my dad again. I find solace in the fact that he was 78 and that he actually wanted to go. If he was fighting hard I'd think damn, he wanted to live but he had resigned and the last 3 months were difficult for him.

 

I feel sad for all we didn't have..if only I knew some things before and could get more from him, maybe that would have made him happy too. I saw his closet and his belongings for the first time last Sunday..it's sad that I am half of him yet I didn't know him deeply.

 

I am waiting to hear from the job and in the meantime I will go to apply for benefits on Thursday. Occasionally I feel like an absolute failure, single and unemployed at my age. But I preserve some hope that maybe good things lie ahead and I will not be unemployed for long.