It's a strange world but there must be a way

[quirky]

On the kids thing I would focus less on the abstract "experience it with the right partner" and more on the nitty gritty details. The former helps a lot when the going is tough - recalling in an instant or less why you wanted to have a child - (or having it coexist with those rough/messy times). It also helped that I had a lot of experience with young children although not as a parent which is a huge caveat!

 

What do you mean by that, can you give me an example?

 

I am learning right now at 49 and now live in a city where public transportation isn't the best so I feel your pain (and very often I am with my child for those "adventures").

 

Well done! I admire your public transport adventures with your child.

 

Thank you both for trying to help.

 

Noone drives in my city, it would take double the time. I considered cycling to work at some point but I'm too scared And found excuses by thinking I will have to change clothes when I get to work because of being sweaty etc. But mostly I am scared.

 

I also don't use the subway. Both because of money and fear. It would take a little bit of time off but not that much really. I prefer the bus even if it takes longer.

 

What I plan to do eventually is to find jobs closer to my area and be self employed on top of that.

 

Maybe also get a moped eventually?

 

With the builders not being here I am able to study easier and it feels really nice spending some time at home and having a cup of tea whenever I want

[Batya33]

So, nitty gritty - How are you with sleep deprivation? What is your patience level -are you able to continue giving positive reinforcement about minutae ("good sitting!") while you are about to lose it from frustration (and see also sleep deprivation). Are you ok doing many of your daily activities with another person where that person needs attention unpredictably - such as exercising, eating, washing your face, using the bathroom? How do you feel about resolving parenting issues with your partner? Do you generally agree on where/when your child would sleep, the use of sitters/daycare/family to take care of your child? How about schooling? Watching Tv? What are your and your partner's views on the role of medical professionals, medicine, vaccines?

 

Of course people talk and then in the situation it's different but that's what I mean about nitty gritty. I'll give you some surprises I faced: my husband and I disagreed on how fixed to be about sleep schedules/getting him on a schedule, he did not know (no experience) never to leave an infant unattended on a bed during a diaper change (no bad result but he disagreed with me on the well-known safety standard), he wanted his elderly mother to be able to drive with our child in the car, he was more comfortable leaving our child with a sitter than I was.

 

Also nitty gritty -I became much more of a morning person than ever -so that means I'm typically in bed by 10 instead of closer to midnight, it is almost painful for me to go out at night, I became more of a germophobe. My husband is a night person so typically I am "on duty" early mornings. That affects our marriage -simply less hours of the day when we are both awake/can have couple time.

I probably am not telling you much that is unusual - but yes that is what I mean!

 

And certainly the abstract "share the experience" is important too!

[quirky]

Wow. So many bits and pieces requiring attention !! I have flippantly thought about that stuff but not in detail as I wouldn't even know about them until I'd experienced them! I spent 2 weeks with my young nephews last summer and found it hard at the beginning but slowly adapted to their scedule. It was clear that the day was run by their needs. Which I didn't mind in the end but found it hard not having a conversation with my mum or sister. I do struggle with sleep deprivation and I wonder how on earth I could manage that. But usually..I am someone that is there in a crisis, that will search for resilience in me and look for solutions. I am also very open to asking for help.

 

M is very laxed with his kids and if I am honest I have found that concerning. It doesn't sound like they do much together, the young one takes his computer game with him even when they go out for dinner, he doesn't take them to theatre or do activities. I pointed a christmas fair he can take them to in his area tomorrow but he wouldn't think of doing anything like that. I wonder if his boys are bored. He worries about them not being disciplined. The ex wife has a bad temper and is one of those people that overthreatens and underdelivers. She calls M when there is a big argument with the older son. Which is a bit strange for me..and also I am nothing like that. I worked on a summer camp with kids when I was 18-19 and it was a very good experience for both me and the kids it seemed. I am very patient and hardly ever lose my temper. I have been called peacemaker and mediator by others, classmates and flatmates. In that sense I trust myself to remain calm which may be an advantage to raising kids.

 

Where you able to see, before marriage, that you and your husband were on the same page about raising your child, at least values wise?

[Batya33]

So, yes for the most part - he probably sees me as overprotective, I probably see him as under, but not most of the time. I knew we were both very family oriented, focused on education, good senses of humor, similar religious values. We also knew and were happy with that we would probably have only one child (because of my age).

 

That is wonderful that you spent all that time with your nephews -were you the primary caregiver/ on your own?

 

So far we've escaped any focus on computer games/ipads - at restaurants we'll play hangman on paper, make sugar packet/straw towers (without opening them), etc. Also it's good if you're outdoorsy/physically fit. We do a fair amount of leaf gathering, feeding ducks, playing frisbee, bike riding, etc.

 

It's sort of like planning for the marriage as opposed to the wedding reception.

 

Resilience is a great trait and awesome to model for children!

[quirky]

Spending time with my classmate last Tuesday really affected me in a way I can't quite pinpoint. I feel a sense of loss and sadness within me..I feel like I am giving up a dream..or something like that.

 

It was a difficult day for me at college and we went out 5 of us and stayed out me and him for 3 in the end. The kindness of his heart touched me deeply. Someone so kind, humble, considerate and caring..and how that resonated with my own heart. And equal exchange of questions, active listening and what felt like genuine caring, about each other's point of view and the world. I don't have that with M.. I have a lot of other things..but not that.

 

Spending time with my classmate reminded me of that emotional connection and that sense of kinship I can feel with another. That warm, sweet feeling that is very alive and very connecting. And it's like I am letting go of it. M offers me something real and solid and I am sad I cannot let go of that either..because noone has been so protective and competent before. Him being a father probably adds to his tendency to look after, it is a challenge for me remaining an adult sometimes. With not having a family here I am lacking in that protective figure and it's hard not to turn to him for that particularly when this is what he desires himself (as a means of avoiding his own pain and intimacy fears). I try not to but it is a hook.

 

Being inlove, gazing into someone's eyes, me him and nature become one when we look at the sunset, he is in my dreams in life, he is my friend, my playmate and my companion..we share creativity and connection and charity and openess and curiosity about the world. I wish I felt that.

 

Yet he is there and he is reliable and we can have a good life together to some extend. If I manage to accept the difference in values (he doesn't see them as different because he's not particular about anything). He will always protect me and give good advice and have sex and drinks and consider my needs.

 

I am sad because I will need to lose one or another. And both seem to matter greatly to me.

[itsallgrand]

Aww I'm sorry you are feeling sad and conflicted, quirky.

 

I have a question for you. When you think about the future with M, can you see it clearly? How does it make you feel?

[quirky]

I can see a future because on paper we kinda complement each other. So on practical terms it works..tasks flow between us, control shifts, we can be emotional and it's ok, not a burden on each other..in a way we are similar. What do you mean by clearly..? Do you have an example?

 

I don't feel excited in having children with him for 2 reasons.

 

He has 2 boys already and that somehow puts me off..it's like he's done that already and I see things being complicated overall financially and emotionally with him having children already. It feels easier to just be with him and be a presence for his own children. I also worry about his ex wife's personality and how I'd get on with her. She calls him up when she has an argument with the older son or something needs attention at home..I dunno, is this normal? It's weird for me when we are together...like he has a family already whereas I'd be looking to have one from scratch.

 

The second and maybe most important reason is that I am not sure we care about the same things in life and I worry we have different values..or that I act as his moral compass.

 

Thinking of a future doesn't make me feel anything intensely, no great joy, no severe disappointment. I think it can work but I wonder how inlove and alive I will feel..maybe I have been too idealistic

[itsallgrand]

I do have an example. You know how hesitant i have been to get involved with someone seriously.

 

With my bf right now, a turning point for me was having these clear images of us in the future. It was vivid. I could picture us in a home together. Waking up to the sound of his footsteps walking around the house. Us travelling together, us doing simple things like paying bills together. I could see us showing up to family events for years to come, I could even picture us raising a family. Something I had long locked away as a pipe dream for me. And it fills me with a peace, joy, and excitement. Some fear too, but that's because I would be scared no matter what. I've been scared to not be single anymore with anyone. But the vision is stronger than the fear.

 

That's what I mean. It's not something I was out there hunting for someone to fit in that vision with for me. You know me and it was inconvenient to have those thoughts. lol. But it just makes sense...it fits. It makes me happy thinking of him in my future and that future together.

 

I can't tell you what is right or wrong for you, but I sure don't think you need to give up any of your dreams. Maybe he isn't the right guy for you. That's all I keep thinking.

 

Heck, maybe my bf isn't the right guy for me, but for right now, it feels like he is.

 

I can't wait to hear what the others have to say!! lol. But really, i don't think wanting to feel excitement and in love and alive with someone is too idealistic. I just don't. Am I too idealistic too?

[quirky]

Did you have that feeling from the start?

 

Man, I am so happy for you! Really happy

 

You might have a point, my friends say similar things but ultimately I am very confused to be honest.

[Batya33]

I felt as Itsallgrand does many times over with the same man who was ultimately wrong for me (although a great person). I would be elated when I felt that way - the doubts were over, smooth sailing. But it was so fleeting and so after awhile despite the intensity of those feelings, that rightness, I feared for the inevitable crash back into paralyzing unnamed doubts. In a way you are lucky because you can pinpoint why you have doubts - I either couldn't or wasn't ready to accept them because I truly did love him.

With my husband I felt the rightness from the heavens -overwhelming is an understatement (that happened on our first real date after we got back together, about a month after we first got back in touch and met up a few times).

 

And when I came down to earth it was a little jarring but not shattering because the foundation of why it felt right was still there and solid if that makes sense. I also didn't need to feel that over the moon floating on air rightness to be happy and sure -maybe because I had matured past needing that to keep me on course -that the excitement was in the finding someone who fit, not in feeling like I won the prize of some perfect, unattainable man.

 

I do click better at times with certain of my friends (platonically I mean) - and I am ok with that -meaning I am ok with knowing that certain friends at certain times will understand me better or be in a place to understand me better than my husband. And I think that is important -to feel secure with your partner even if he is not the be-all/end-all/on a pedestal. It also means I can be less needy if I need emotional support- I have other outlets.

 

My point is -sorry if this is rambly -is that there is a point where if the doubts are more than fleeting, not easily resolvable either internally or by talking with your partner, then I say cut your losses. I struggled painfully with a man who wasn't right for me for over 7 years and it was not fair to either of us. I would want to call him at 3am sometimes -and a few times I did -to reassure me that we were right together, that we would make it. I did not fear being alone, I feared regretting letting such an awesome man go. The way you feel about your classmate -specifically the way it shakes the core for you - is valuable information. It's great to connect with others outside your relationship but if you find yourself comparing in this intense way that's a sign. Like in the movie You've Got Mail when Meg Ryan breaks it off with her SO -"it's the dream of someone else" she says.

[quirky]

David Bowie I loved his music and it influenced my own creativity greatly. I had written a 3000 word essay about him back at uni. I'm gutted how the tributes on his life fall at the time of my final exam at college aaaaaaargh!

 

College was sh/t yesterday.

 

I am in general unmotivated. Not depressed. Just distant and displaced still from being back home. New Year's was great.

 

I think about death pretty much every day, consciously or unconsciously. Yalom's books play a significant part in this. So does my dad's ill health and my own ageing without having formed a family of my own.

 

It's cold and very noisy at home with the builders around. And a 4000 word assignment to do.

 

If I start maybe...only maybe...I can attend one of the Bowie tributes.

 

One of the most innovative and creative artists. I will miss him. And I am grateful for the music and thetricality he offered us.

[itsallgrand]

Did you hear any of his new album quirky? I was sad to hear the news as well. I agree he contributed so much, all through his life, he never stopped, and I admire that. A true artist.

 

[video=youtube;kszLwBaC4Sw] ]

 

Sending you love and warmth, friend.

[Ms Darcy]

I've spent much of the last few days listening to David Bowie's videos and songs. I'm with you there girl.

 

Also seeing this really made me love him more.

[IAmFCA]

Quirky, I read your post and knew you had written it, before seeing that indeed it IS you.

[quirky]

IAG- I listened to tracks from this album only the last few days, what a way to exit musically ha?

 

It almost feels like there's something different about his death, because of his striking, alien-like looks and song/film references to space and stars and the killing off of his personas...it's like he can't die, maybe he's gone to another galaxy or something. Very strange.

 

I've spent much of the last few days listening to David Bowie's videos and songs. I'm with you there girl.

 

Also seeing this really made me love him more.

 

I watched that too!! And it made me respect him more too.

 

 

Quirky, I read your post and knew you had written it, before seeing that indeed it IS you.

 

You guessed I might like his music? 8-) I am so predictable he he..

 

 

The local cinema was screening The Man Who Fell to Earth yesterday so I popped in and watched it. What a strange film. Very interesting though and very bizarre. I hadn't watched it before.

 

 

On other news I am stressed about my assignment and I worry I will not get it done on time. I don't understand why the teachers put both a massive essay and our final exam on the same day??!!! The exam is a priority so I have been advised to focus on that. I have always handed in my work on time and I struggle to accept that maybe I can't this time. I like thinking I am a good student and this challenges my self concept I guess.

[Batya33]

I hope you never let your self concept waver-please try to keep that constant -even if, unusually, this time was a "failure" you would still be a great student. Have been in many similar situations and I can relate but when you wrote what you wrote it occurred to me that even though I didn't think of it exactly that way, the times I have felt the strongest is when I've had the security of basic beliefs (not "you're the best!" cheerleader, but more measured as you put it).

 

I hope it works out and sorry about the situation.

 

I listened to Bowie a lot in the early 80s and beyond. Love his work.

[notalady]

Did you have that feeling from the start?

 

Man, I am so happy for you! Really happy

 

You might have a point, my friends say similar things but ultimately I am very confused to be honest.

 

Quirky, this is the first time I read your journal I only read the last page.

 

I remember 10 years ago, I had a friend who had been with his gf (now wife) for more than 10 years at the time, they looked very happy together. I had doubts about my boyfriend back then. One day I asked him, how do you know she's the one? And he told me when you've found "the one", you just know. God don't you just hate that answer? It sounds romantic but doesn't really help me does it?!

 

That is, until I've met my current boyfriend. We've only been together for 6.5 months but everything just feels right, like all the time, consistently. Things just flow. Our values are aligned and our personalities complement each other, so there has been no conflicts at all (usually with my ex's, conflicts arise within the first 3 months, even just small arguments which were ultimately caused by value differences or personality not meshing well).

 

If he proposed today, would I say yes? No. Because it's too soon. But I can say with a lot of certainty, that if he proposes post the anniversary mark, I will most definitely say yes, without a single doubt. And if someone asked me how do you know? I would've say the same thing as my friend said to me, however unhelpful it is, it's actually true (for me), when it's right, you just know.

 

Now, that "knowing" isn't from love at first sight or anything, I took time to get to know him. I didn't "just know" right from the start. I started off neutral and simply set out to date someone who seemed very nice and polite on the first date. My confidence built over time through all those time spent together, and experiencing different things together, I became more and more certain he's the one for me. Of course, if something completely unlike what I know of him shows up tomorrow, I will most definitely be reassessing things. And if he remains consistent and things keep going well, I think my confidence in this relationship will continue to grow.

 

This "knowing" also came from previous relationships where I had doubts. Parts of those relationships were working, but parts were not. One of my ex that I was with for 2.5 years, I thought we would end up together, I guess I just really wanted it to work and he was the same, but it was only after the break up that I saw clearly how incompatible we were. It's funny that I was so sure that I would marry him but could not picture having a life with him (we had so much conflict that I knew if we lived together, it would be even worse).

 

And ever since meeting my now boyfriend, every time I think about my past relationships, I think to myself, thank god, how lucky am I that I chose to leave those relationships? Because if I didn't, I would've never met my boyfriend and I can't imagine missing out on meeting him!

 

I think if doubts about the relationship are consistent, reappearing from time to time especially over the same things, over and over, I'd say it's a pretty good indicator that something is not working.

[quirky]

Thank you for your responses and sorry I haven't replied, life has been hectic..

 

The last week has been pretty eventful and difficult

 

My uncle died. But there's a lot more to it. He used to have a wholesale business with my mum while I was growing up. The business was progressively doing well and was profitable. Uncle became lured by the money and wanted to have more and more influence on the business.

 

He started treating my mum as a spare wheel and wanted a higher percentage of the business. After a couple of years my mum claimed what was hers and he then beat her up brutally one day. My mum sold him her share of the business and started afresh at 48. She had no education, the wholesale business is all she knew. I went back home for 6 months to help her set up a shop.

 

Since then we never spoke to my uncle again and he never saught forgiveness. Other members of the family would ask us to re consider. But for me, my mum and sister, it was impossible to overcome the betrayal of trust, brutality of his actions and the lack of remorse.

 

Last Fri afternoon I got a call from my cousin (aunt's son) that he is coming to my city (I live abroad) because uncle is in a hospital there very ill. I was going to a Bowie tribute that night. The next morning as I was having breakfast he called me again and told me he's gonna die today or tomorrow. My aunt, cousin's mum, was on an airplane coming here too. I was very conflicted, with the fact they were in my city alone..but afer about 30 min I decided to make my way to the hospital. He died as I was on my way there.

 

I arrived at the hospital and everything was incredibly distressing and surreal. Saw his wife that had said some awful things to my mum and sister. His daughters, my cousins, were all grown up..last time I saw them they were children. And I saw my uncle dead on his bed. I didn't recognise him, at 58 he looked like 70 from the illness too.

 

I was hardly able to say or do something. How much destruction he had caused..and how great he had been to us when we were children. Our birthdays were a day apart and we used to celebrate it together in our summer house.

 

All I managed to say to his wife and daughters was don't know how to speak to you and what to say, so much has happened and I am going through shock myself...but I hope that you find it within you to be strong, to be close and support each other and to seek help and speak to a counsellor, it will be very helpful to you'.

 

In the days to follow I had some pretty distressing dreams, all related to death anxiety and I have wanted to be close to my family. I talked to my mum and sister a lot on teh phone as we share similar feelings. The funeral took place yesterday back in my home country. I had been up since 7:30 in the morning with bad dreams and worry about my mum and sis, I felt very protective over my mum seeing all these people from her past.

 

 

I also felt alone. Tied financially and unable to go to the funeral because I haven't yet managed to have a good career..I hte myself for it but at least I am on teh right path now.

 

I am still waiting to hear the details from my mum and sister. I saw my best friend last night and it helped while he was here. But I feel alone and awful again this morning.

 

My flatmates don't know any of this. One of them does, he asked me last Tuesday. And then didn't again. I have such a need for a home, someone to offer me a cup of tea when I come home, someone to care if I am ok, to ask how my day was..genuinely ask. I come home and go to my room where I eat, sleep, study, watch tv, dance and cry.

 

This then made me wonder if I will likely have a home with M. A lot of questions have sprung up as a result of my uncle's death at 58. life doesn't feel that long and there are no second rounds to it and my dad has been unwell for a year now too.

 

I wonder about how I live my life, is it going in the right direction, am I happy enough in the present, do I have people taht love me around me and do I have a relationship with long term potential.

 

On seeing M on Monday, 2 days after my uncle's death, I asked him for space. I am not sure I want to die with him. I am not sure about investing any further. He was shocked and thinks it's a wobble because of the recent events. The relationship is good overall but my heart is not skipping and although I care for him I don't think I am inlove. I don't even know if I should be, if I am chasing dreams, if I just want it all.

 

But with Valentine's day coming up too I should feel excited not apprehensive. Last year I had sewed our initials on a love heart cushion. I had searched for a card online with a black guy so it looks like him. We had gone away for 2 days. It wasn't perfect but I was inlove and just wanted to watch the sunset with him and talk a lot.

 

Eventhough I have asked M for space, he has already contacted me 3 times today. And the other day asked to see me for a little because he was getting a panic attack. I am angry at this point because I feel like absolute sh1t and he doesn't get it. He tells me I AM inlove with him. We are GREAT together. His kids are NOT an issue, neither the EX WIFE. He makes his mind up for me it seems..Yet despite hating him at this point I know I will feel very sad if and when we split up.

 

I feel so lost and lonely at home. It's a grey Sunday here today. I am waiting to hear from my mum and sister. I should start on an essay but all I want to do is watch TV. And take a flight and be with them. I can see how being with my nephews would be so therapeutic, everything seems more optimistic and fulfilling with kids around. Another joy I will likely not experience..very negative thinking..

[Batya33]

I am so sorry you're going through all this -and so sorry about how complicated this loss is for you.

 

 

On the "just know". I do not agree that you have to "just know" and know of many happy marriages where one or both had "normal" doubts/ fears going into it and have very strong happy marriages. Three of my friends were head over heels, "just knew" shouted it from the rooftops. Both men were very handsome if that makes a difference. One got divorced after 10 years of marriage (she had an affair but before that he was probably cheating too) and the other is still married but been very unhappy the last several years (married 14 years) -seems he had a porn habit, and other issues that were basically there from the start including very different values on important stuff. But she "just knew" and I remember being jealous at the time at how easy it was for her, how in love she was. The third got divorced after 20 years, unhappy for much of the marriage, admitted that her "just know" feeling was not, in hindsight, based on reality or what was needed for a successful marriage.

 

I have many more examples of that. I believed I "just knew" when my husband and I got back together after 8 years apart (not divorced, as I've written here we seriously dated in the past) - I just knew when he had our first kiss back then -and I mean the classic romantic movie "just knew". He looked at me then and said "what just happened?" I was afraid to speak out loud "I just know we're going to get married- let's get married soon!" so I didn't but we both knew. But, guess what, I had my fear, doubts, anxious moments.

 

But on the whole we felt right together, on the whole, I knew I wanted to marry him, on the whole I was excited and sure that he was the person I would and should marry. Those doubts/fears did not send me into a panic - they were relatively fleeting, resolvable, faded out with little or no intervention on my part. I didn't feel like I needed reassurance from him or friends/ family that we were right together, that it would be ok.

 

But no I did NOT get married because "you know when you know". or "I just knew" -it was a balance of head and heart, it was more complex than that, it required some soul searching at times - sure, if we had married the day after that kiss I might have experienced those fears/doubts ....or maybe not -I'll never know - but I did know even then that "just know" works for some people -they never have to use their head or ponder things, or resolve doubts -they are in love, they are sure, end of story. Until as I wrote above they are not (not for everyone who just knows -of course not -but even in dating relationships I have heard "just know" many times and then later revisionist history "well for the first 6 months I was head over heels and I just knew but then I realized (fill in the blank about something the person did know, but ignored/pushed aside at the beginning in favor of "just know".

 

There are many paths to choosing the right person. IMO the way you write about him -in this particular situation -tells me that he is probably not right for you long term. That could change of course but it depends how much more time you want to invest and what you plan to do to get from this point to being secure and at peace.

[quirky]

I have felt so low since my uncle died..it's only been 3 weeks, I understand that bit..but things are awful in my flatshare. My flatmate has hardly asked how I have been. I am so disappointed and hurt by her reactions. The past week I have been out all the time, avoiding the kitchen, the house in general. I feel unloved here and eventhough it is a flatshare and I shouldn't expect any more it still hurts. I have helped her so many times..

 

They just went out so I cooked my dinner so I don't have to be in the kitchen later. I also did my bit of the cleaning rota.

 

Her response to my pain touches on my deepest trauma. And eventhough in my mind I can see that she has no idea of her impact, I still find it unable to brush it off and act as 'normal'. I have such a need for her to reach out. But she doesn't. She told me that she's sorry about my uncle but she's got too much of her own stuff going on and left the kitchen before I even had a chance to speak properly. What a coward..all the times I have listened to her and offered a hand of support, taking time out of my own life so she won't feel alone..

 

I am at a difficult stage in therapy and feel so vulnerable with my uncle dying, it has opened up many memories and familial wounds. I am zapped of emotional resources. And she ignores me like that.

People have told me to ignore it but in every day terms when you're brushing shoulders with someone in the kitchen...it's just plain uncomfortable and awful.

 

I've been grabbing food I can eat in my room so I don't go out.

 

I've had enough of this feeling, this lack of home. Yet I am not sure I want to move in with M and have a home with him.

 

Haven't done my essay either because I feel so distressed in here.

 

I feel trapped.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It sounds like you expected reciprocity from her and you are not getting what you expected. I bet if you think back it's not surprising that she is not reciprocating -I'm sure you've seen at least hints of that in the past either towards you or others. Are you sure she knows how close you are to your Uncle? Has your boyfriend been supportive? I hope so. I hope you feel better soon!

[quirky]

I bet if you think back it's not surprising that she is not reciprocating -I'm sure you've seen at least hints of that in the past either towards you or others.

 

Yes, she has a troubled upbringing and she's not warm or nurturing or someone to really offer herself (I would say I am like that). I mean, therapeutically I get it. She is not able for a proper connection. But it still hurts because eventhough I never expected the full wonders I still didn't think she'd be so cold.

 

The thing is...in all the 3 weeks she didn't ask how I am. Then the other flatmate told her what's happened and she one day said sorry about your uncle when others were there so she didn't have to do anything more. When we were in the kitchen alone she said nothing. I tried to discuss things and she left in a strop within 2 min because she felt blamed.

 

My boyfriend and friends have been very supportive which I am grateful for.

 

Thank you for your comment. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do? I find it difficult to reach out at this point but by avoiding the house I have lost stability and concentration as I have been eating out etc.

 

I am aware my emotions are exaggerated at the moment and her reaction simply touches upon my deepest fear with people, that they will abandon me when I need them the most. I understand how this might communicate an overwhelming urgency from my end.

 

She is also controlling at home which I find very oppressive. Wants it cleaner, complains about stuff a lot. I am often stressed at home and feel like I'm following rules. I don't complain about things because a)I am genuinely not bothered with a bit of mess and b)because I don't want to limit people's freedom.

 

I have been here 5 and a half years and she always has someone at home she becomes friends with and takes her side. Or convinces me for friends of hers to move in because at least 'we know them'. It is often males that idolise her, she's gay. This then creates a strange dynamic at home where 2 or once it was 3 people that are friends and I feel like an outcast. I have understood that she wants things in her terms.

 

On another note she is charitable and humble and helps in the community.

[Batya33]

So the way I can relate is this - over the past few years I've learned to recognize -and focus on -when I am overreacting usually from sleep deprivation/irritability and that it is unfair of me to spread the negative vibes to my family -even from another room/area of the house (although if I'm in the kitchen, alone, obviously it's less likely that will happen if I don't bang anything/mutter half-curses etc). I then check in with and monitor myself -do far more self-talk so that I realize I am overreacting. I also do the 4-7-8 breathing I've mentioned in threads.

 

I never really had a roommate and obviously I know roommates have individual relationships and dynamics. I guess now you know to keep your distance to avoid feeling this vulnerable.

[tiredofvampires]

Quirky, I only have a few moments, as I'm touching in here...

 

I'm sorry for all that you're dealing with, and the loss you've suffered. Be kind to yourself!!

 

I do feel the need to tell you that (and maybe you know this from your studies, maybe not) a man who tells you how YOU feel, or should feel, has a deep psychological disorder and it is not benign. That is a classic narcissistic trait. I would never want to plan a life being with a person who tells me how I feel, as if his feelings must be mine and I am not the owner of my own -- that's frightening. He sees no separation between his feelings and yours, as though you are just an extension of him. That is really bad news. It's always been and always will be.

 

I get the impression that you stay with him because it's comfortable now, because you're afraid to leave and how it would make you feel, plus some conceptualized ideas of "it looks good on paper that we complement eachother, how nice", and then of course, all the anxiety around if you will have anyone if not him. The more you invest, the more you invest. And that damned list of all that's good about it and thinking that should be good enough, or you're demanding.

 

Just wanted to let you know that I believe a person can be too picky, but a man telling me how I feel is as big a dealbreaker as him being a drug addict. In the end, you will be emotionally abused, and you'll be farther down the line.

 

I also would rather stay single than be with someone I'm not in love with. It defeats the purpose of having a partner in my opinion. Infatuation and lust are not what I'm talking about -- I'm talking about a passion for another person's soul and their whole being. That's what I need to feel for it to be worth it.

 

Being alone (as in single) is not the worst fate in this world.

 

Just a few overview words...

[quirky]

Haven't been here in SO long. Not that I haven't had my usual existential anxieties but I guess I have been incredibly busy and I also have therapy every Monday which gives me a space to explore all those anxieties.

 

Life has felt rushed mostly. Lots of assignments. The course is coming to an end and I feel nervous at parting with people and not going to college on Tuesdays. I feel sad at not having my teachers soon, I have found them very supportive and inspirational.

 

Things with M are ok. Nothing terrible nothing amazing. I still haven't met his children. The relationship is ok and in many ways as time goes by we are bonding more and I am getting used to sharing myself with him.

 

Any issues in our relationship I can see they would get better if I want them to. The communication is good and we have both tried to understand each other. I feel strongly that if I wasn't in a therapeutic profession that our relationship wouldn't have gone as far. I have become much more open to practice empathy and diversity with everyone I liaise with and I guess in many ways I can understand everyone's reasons and be accepting. So much so I am wondering who I am in the end. A classmate told me by being so empathic I can in the end accept things I don't fully agree with or lose the desire to rebel.

 

I went back home at the end of March and that was very helpful in dealing with my uncle's death, I got the chance to see how my family feels and to connect with them through our mutual grief and loss. I realise just how much pain he left behind..it's so terrible what ego can do.

 

The days are longer and I feel more rejuvinated, everything is more managable when it's sunny!

 

I have joined Weight watchers and have lost 7 lbs so far. I feel good for it and I am sticking to the program. I find the meetings an utterly cringing experience ! ! lol The leader is trying to be motivational but I find it all cheesy pseudo psychology crap, he just looks anxious to me. Nevertheless I go and get weighed and try and be open, I attend the meetings every second week otherwise it's just too much hee hee

 

Things at home were AWFUL up until last Saturday. So much anger. My flatmate never addressed anything despite me being transparent and open. I now know what tto expect but wow, I was genuinely shocked to see how avoidant and passive aggressive people can be. What I learnt from it mostly is what do I do with my feelings when others don't want to communicate, how do I sit with unresolved issues? Trouble is I find it incredibly difficult to operate when there are vibes.

 

Amongst it all I feel the pressure of time very strongly, like it's running out, like there's not enough of life or something..I have had a yearning to be young again, I miss being young and more creative. I miss having time ahead of me to figure it out. I decided last week to buy rollerblades and when I lose weight I will get a nice haircut too