PMSing, so, I could be taking this the wrong way...

[Oneironaut]

Basically, to make a long story as short as possible, my LD boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 2 years and 3 months. After a 6.5 month breakup, we got back together a little over 2 months ago. Things have been generally great, having agreed to work on our problems together as a team. Yes, there have been a few bumps here and there...which is a good time to mention that he is an unmedicated bipolar...and yes, I've noticed that he seems to be entering another manic phase lately, just from things that have been said and done in the last couple of weeks. There is little I can do about this, except support him through it.

 

He works in a warehouse, and is often tired as hell when he gets home, so there are days when he simply goes to bed without writing me. I have no problem with this, as I work a rather physical job myself, so I totally understand.

 

So last night I didn't hear from him...no big deal, he had been up chatting with me until 6 in the morning, and he had to be at work at noon, so I TOTALLY understood. Our conversation the night before had ended awesomely...we had been talking about happy things, he said he loved me, and we said goodnight on a very happy note.

 

This evening, I was kind of expecting to hear from him, but didn't...OK...kind of not happy about that, but, it happens. I figured he was tired again, and had gone on to bed.

 

A few minutes ago I logged onto a game we play together called Starcraft 2...out of curiosity to see how he's been doing in his games, I checked his Match History, which shows what he has played, how long ago, and whether or not he won or lost. I honestly was just curious to see if he'd been winning or losing much lately.

 

Imagine my surprise to find that he'd played 6 games between 4 and 5 hours ago...which is when he gets home from work, and normally starts writing me on AIM...

 

I'm PMSing, so maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, but...this is the FIRST time since our reconciliation that he's not written me as soon as he got home. Granted, he gets into manic-depressive moods where he just wants to be left alone, so maybe this was one of those...but still, I can't help feeling hurt. Our conversation ended SO well the other night...nothing bad, all smiles, kisses, and cuddles, as it were...but damnit, it bothers me that he managed to log into the game and play it for an hour or two, and yet, never bothered to log into AIM to say hello.

 

Anyhow...guess I'm not really looking for advice, just sitting here feeling hurt and confused now. Not sure how to confront him with this without looking like I was stalking, or like I'm being clingy. Everything has been so great...other than the fact that he's been acting manic lately.

 

Ah, well...thanks for listening. Just venting, I guess...

[OptomisticGirl]

In a LDR you have to be open and honest about all emotions. If you don't talk about it, it's going to bred resentment even faster than a normal relationship. For me, I don't understand how anyone in an LDR goes a day without at least emailing. My fiance and I may not always be able to grab the 30 min skype call on my lunch break or the on my way to work but there has never been a day since we met we have not talked through email, even if it was only a hand full of messages because one was sick or we both had a hectic day. I would talk to him about it.

[Oneironaut]

Yeah, when we reconciled, it was with the agreement that we would be open about any issues that were bothering us. I can't call or write him this late, unfortunately, so I have to sit and stew all night, lol...I'm like you, I would prefer to have contact with him every single day, but, I understand that he doesn't necessarily feel the same way, and I guess I understand his point. We can still be in love without having to talk every day. Still...I'd prefer it.

 

Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit better, can't find anything in our last hours of conversation the other night to indicate anything other than him being happy with the relationship. Glad to have this forum to simply rant on when I need to, lol...

[OptomisticGirl]

Go ahead and write the email and get out how you feel even if you don't send it now.

[FathomFear]

I'm PMSing, so maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, but...this is the FIRST time since our reconciliation that he's not written me as soon as he got home.

 

Some people are far more utilitarian when it comes to communication. Personally speaking, I absolutely detest initiating conversations with people just for the sake of saying "Hello". Unless I have something to say or communicate I find the experience very awkward. The only time I pursue vacuous "Hello!" kind of conversations is when I haven't chatted with someone from a long period of time.

 

I would be a little wary of getting on his case for playing a video game vs. logging on to AIM to chat with your first. Especially if this were a one-off event and not something he does all the time. You don't want to become "high maintenance" and essentially set fear in him that he needs to artificially placate you before he can move on with his day.

 

Just curious--how often are you initiating contact with him? The general vibe of your post was relatively one-sided, such that you wait until he contacts you.

[geekgirl4]

He just had a long night and just came back from an exhausting job, so IMO, he just wanted some me time. You said its the first time it happened so I'd stay away from jumping all over this and making a huge deal out of nothing. Let him relax and unwind.

[Oneironaut]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I've still not heard from him today and I know he's home from work now, but, hockey playoffs are on, and his team is playing right now, and he's Canadian, lol...enough said.

 

Just curious--how often are you initiating contact with him? The general vibe of your post was relatively one-sided, such that you wait until he contacts you.

 

It is very one-sided right now, because he doesn't have a cell phone, and the family he lives with prefers he doesn't give out the number except for drastic emergencies. On the other hand, when I'm not at work (I have 2 jobs) and sleeping, I'm on the computer, lol...so yeah, I'm not really able to initiate contact, but I'm OK with it until he gets a new phone.

 

In any case, you're both right, it's the first time it's happened since we reconciled 10 weeks ago, so I'm not going to jump all over him.

 

However, before I went to bed last night, I left him a message on AIM that very calmly said, in a nutshell, "Hey there, just wanted to say hi, and that I hope things are going awesomely for you. I have to admit, since we've agreed to be up-front about our feelings now, that I was a bit surprised to see you'd logged into SC2 and played a few games last night, but didn't log onto AIM. If you were simply in the mood to game and not talk to anyone, I totally understand, just wanted to check in and make sure nothing was on your mind. I guess I'm just being a girl, lol...feeling a bit paranoid, but overall, I trust that if anything was bothering you, you would say so. Anyhow, hope to hear from you soon...take care. 8)"

 

I hope that didn't come accross * * * * * y or clingy, because it wasn't meant to be.

[Oneironaut]

Well, his hockey game has been over for a while, and I've still not heard from him. It's 1 a.m. for him, so I can kind of understand if he went on to bed, but...three nights in a row of not contacting me? I am frustrated beyond measure...

 

Once again, I went back over our last Skype conversation, he doesn't have speakers yet for his new computer, so we were typing. We were actually talking fondly about the time we'd spent together, when I flew up to Canada to meet him, and he was teasing me about something silly I had done. I said, "Yeah, but you thought it was cute!" and he replied, "I did, I just like giving you a hard time about it still"

 

I said, "*Bites*"...he LOL'd, then I said a pet thing between us, which is, "So mine..." He replied with, "Damn straight, and don't forget it!"

 

I did a smiley emote, and he said, "Anyhow, I have to get going.. I love you"

 

I said, "*Snuggle* I love you, too. Goodnight."

 

He said, "*snuggle* Goodnight"...and that was that. Almost three full days ago, and not a word since.

 

Doesn't exactly sound like the conversation of someone who is planning to just suddenly disappear from my life, lol...and maybe I'm biased, but neither does it sound like someone who has simply lost interest in me. He had to be at work at 10 in the morning, yet he stayed up until 6 a.m. -just- to chat with me.

 

Sigh...I know no one can really answer this for me, and I've already decided I'm not going to chew him out for this, but, I do think I'm entitled to understand what is going through his mind. We've broken up several times before, and the signs were always there: Him becoming more detached and aloof, saying sweet things less and less, not calling me pet names anymore, telling me I was annoying...none of the signs are there this time, not a single one.

 

Do some people just not feel the need to be in communication as much as others, I guess?

 

Anyhow, just venting, I guess I'll go on to bed and do some reading, try to get my mind off of this. I know he's been acting a bit manic lately (he's an unmedicated bipolar), so maybe it has something to do with that. Thanks for reading my drivel...hopefully by the time I post next, I'll have good news.

[geekgirl4]

Hmm, an unmedicated bipolar? If that's the case then you should already understand what kind of partner you're with. He will have episodes so he will have instances where he pulls away and then comes back. Is there a reason why he doesn't take medication? I think this is a mix of you still feeling insecure and him being, well, himself. Communication needs depends on individuals. Some people like a good constant of communication (I'm one of those) and others are ok with quick short phone calls here and there. It really depends on how important it is to you and how much you're willing to compromise that makes up communication in a couple. Breaking up a few times won't change the fact that he will always have stages of pulling back and less communication. Basically, you can either put up with it or not, because he hasn't really changed so far. If you want to continue being in this relationship, you will have to relax your standards of communication.

[AbombSnowMan]

omg i play starcraft2 myself and i can tell you that sometimes i just feel like going home relaxing and playing by myself without feeling like i need to check in with my gf. I would say this is just one of those moments and not to worry about it.

[Oneironaut]

Well, he wrote me after work tonight...turns out that yes, he was having an "episode", and had been very withdrawn from the world in general for the last few days, even missing work yesterday and just staying in bed. My best friend is also bipolar, and she does the same thing periodically. I asked him once if it was anything to do with me, and he said no, just one of those things. Then he asked me to play some Starcraft 2 with him, so I did...just making cheerful small talk, and not trying to get in his face too much.

 

On the downside, it appears the "Reconciliation Honeymoon Phase" is over...now the hard work begins, to see if we can continue being together and not have the same problems we did before.

 

On the plus side, one of the things I did before the annoyed the heck out of him was constantly question him when he had an episode like this..."Are you leaving me?"..."Do you still love me?"..."Does this mean you hate me?"...blah blah blah. Almost makes me cringe to think about it now...

 

To answer your question, geekgirl, he is currently unmedicated for financial reasons...and I won't lie, it worries me.

 

Without going into too much detail, when he broke up with me last year, he engaged in some...bizarre behavior afterwards. That's what told me that he was having some sort of major manic episode. We stayed friends for about 5 months, then he pretty much went ballistic on me and told me to get lost, so, I did. I stayed NC for a month and a half, and apparently during that time, he got his medication changed...and started "seeing the light" again, as it were. He asked me to try again, and I agreed.

 

Shortly after that, his financial situation changed, and he stopped taking his medication because it was costing him several hundred dollars per month. Now, I think I'm finally starting to see the effects.

 

You're right...this is just the way he is, and I have to decide if I can live with it, or not. I love him more strongly than I've ever felt about anyone, and I'm 43 years old, coming out of a 15 year marriage, so that's a pretty big statement for me to make. I know there are tons of people on this site who will yell, "He's bipolar, run away!!! He'll make your life a living hell, get out now!!!", but, my opinion is that people with chemical imbalances need love, too. As long as he's not abusing me, I'm willing to work with him.

 

Anyhow, thank you to everyone for posting...I learn from each of these experiences how to better deal with future episodes, and I -greatly- appreciate having a place to come and vent during that time.