Giving a friend space or is it seen as ignoring them?

[philanx]

I have a friend who once expressed the desire to be more than friends (then didn't want to discuss it anymore) and then left for work related travel for 2 months. During that time I thought I would give her space to decide what she wanted to do and she decided to get involved with someone else. That was okay because I was confused by her admission in the first place and we never had a chance to discuss it before she left.

 

She broke up with the guy and came back and we started hanging out as friends as we used to. So, recently she had to leave for a month and during that time, I thought I would give her space to do her work and not bother her. That means I only talk to her when she calls and keep our conversations focused on her and her work. I don't offer much about what I'm doing because I don't want to burden her with anything.

 

Now she is back and acting coldly towards me again. My response to this is to give her space until she decides she feels like talking again. I only reply to texts, calls, or emails she sends.

 

What I'm am wondering is if I should explain to her I am giving her space. I have never done that and I was wondering if this is why she reacts towards me with hostility at times. Could she think I am just ignoring her instead of supporting her by giving what the space I think she would prefer to have?

[nutbrownhare]

I'm guessing that if she told you she wanted to be more than just friends and you didn't respond positively, she probably saw that as a rejection. The fact that you have not initiated any contact and reveal very little of yourself would compound this. Did she actually say she needed space? If not, then it is likely to be seen as ignoring.

 

What are your feelings towards her? If you would like to be more than just friends, you need to be very honest and move very quickly. Even if you want to be friends, you need to move quickly and be very honest.

 

It's very easy to guess at what other people might be wanting, get it wrong, and then convey messages we really don't want to be conveying. I don't understand why you were confused at her admission in the first place - unless you mean it was unexpected and you didn't know what to say. The way you describe it above sounds very straightforward - she was going away for 2 months and hoped to cement something between you before she went.

[philanx]

Nutbrownhare,

 

Thank you for your reply and insight.

 

It was unexpected when she told me this and it was all done over text. Where we left it was we would talk it over at some point but we never did.

 

She has never told me she needed space but I assume that is what she needs because whenever she travels for work she always tells me she will talk to me when she gets back. Then she ends up texting or emailing me when she is away anyway. The reason I don't initiate it is because I assume she will contact me when she is free from work and feels like talking. I don't want to be distracting her so I wait until she contacts me first.

 

I want to at least be friends but I can tell she is starting to get distant with me again as she has in the past. When this happens, I figure the best thing I can do is to give her space, but I don't tell her that's what I'm doing. Then she eventually contacts me again.

 

This isn't a game I'm playing so I'm wondering if I should tell her why I dont contact her just in case she thinks I'm ignoring her.

[skeeter99]

Philanx,

 

Your friend is feeling bad because she does feel ignored. I understand that you don't mean to make her feel that way, but through your actions (ie. not initiating contact with her, keeping the conversations very impersonal), it almost seems like you don't care about her. I don't mean to be harsh, but I can see her perspective. One of the most important qualities of a good friendship is showing interest in the other person. Calling or texting each other to see how they are doing, asking questions, catching up with another, offering support, making the other laugh, etc. If it seems the friendship is one-sided, where one person is making all or most of the effort to contact the other, then that can be hurtful. Are you being more standoffish because you don't want her to think you're interested in her? You don't want to give her mixed messages? If so, then you need to talk to her, instead of just "giving her space." Tell her your feelings. When people give each other space, they are not necessarily communicating. A lot of assumptions can be made and resentment and hurt feelings can occur as a result of it. I've been in that boat where a friend became distant and I had no idea why they were acting that way. And it was hurtful. And then I came to find out that they're just being distant because they don't want to burden me with their problems. I didn't know that, but it helps to be told that instead of just minimizing contact with me. And yes, I did feel ignored. So anyways, I hope I have helped in some way. And I hope things work out for you and your friend.