Changing your partner when starting a new relationship - ok or not?

[geekgirl4]

This is something a friend is going through and definitely not something I'm going to interfere or be vocal about. But I am interested in hearing opinions about this.

 

A friend and her aptmate recently started dating each other. She stated that while his humor and their shared interests were very appealing to her, his overweight body didn't appeal to her. In the end, she decided to go for it anyways. She's been pushing him to exercise (they go running on the weekends) and they've been cooking healthy meals together. I think he's trying to smoke less as well.

 

I've read here and there that changing partners so that they are healthier is an acceptable thing to do. But I was curious what other people would think of changing someone in the start of a relationship. While helping a partner become healthy is a good thing to do, I've never heard of changing someone right from the start. Do you guys think changing a partner right from the start is an acceptable thing to do if its for their own good?

[TakingtheBlame]

Well I wouldn't call the above example "changing" someone. I'd call it encouraging him to improve himself, by becoming healthier and more self assured, and also developing common interests (running with a significant other, and losing weight in the process, can be an incredible bonding experience.) Assuming, of course, that he wanted to lose weight and wasn't guilted into it, or terrorized into it, by his new girlfriend. It sounds like she was supportive and he was eager to have the chance to get in shape with her encouragement.

[Jd1983]

Honestly, it doesn't seem that bad of a thing to change.

 

If he's willing to make the necessary changes for a better lifestyle, I just see it as a win win situation for her. You mentioned that this was her aptmate, so I'm assuming they've known each other for some time before deciding to become official (which doesn't totally mean changing them right off the bat).

[Celadon]

The issue with changing someone is tricky because in some ways it implies a lack of acceptance of the person as he or she is. But at the same time, no two people are perfectly matched, so some changing -- or wanting the other person to change, whether they do or not -- is to be expected.

 

In this case, I see the physical change as less risky than attempting to change someone's attitude or psychological habits. And to me, it's almost better from the beginning, as your friend is doing, because it is upfront.

 

What I wonder about are some of the issues around (1) what is OK to try to change about the other person and (2) how do you go about that without (again) making the person feel like you don't accept him/her?

[itsallgrand]

Bleh. Honestly I am not a fan of this sort of thing. Either doing it with someone else, or having it done with me. Not early in a relationship, and not at all. But that could be partially a statement of my personality more than anything, rather than the appropriateness of trying to encourage someone/change them early on in a relationship (or at any time really).

 

What if he has this initial enthusiasm for these things, because he likes her and does actually want to change some of his behaviors but doesn't have the motivation to really motivate himself? Will she be disappointed? Will she be discouraged or upset that he hasn't changed enough? People rarely change without simply wanting to for themselves. Sure, they can put on a show for a good time and even hide things, but is that changing because you want to or because there is that subtle pressure there as well?

 

There is nothing wrong with sharing your interests with someone, even if they don't start out enjoying them. Inviting a new boyfriend to run with you, cook with you - seems totally normal to me.

 

The problem is if she is actually counting on changing him and has that expectation, or is putting pressure on him (however subtle). I don't think a gf has a right to do that.

[geekgirl4]

@itsallgrand: yeah, i was a touch confused on whether its ok to do that to someone who's never motivated himself in the past. He never exercised and would always eat out because he couldn't cook at all. I'm not sure whether its her motivating or pressuring him or him wanting to do it. All I know is that she's mentioned to me a few times that his eating habits and his overweightness didn't appeal to her. These are healthy and positive habits to gain but is it worth it if its not coming from personal motivation?

[itsallgrand]

Well here is my thinking on it. IF she is pressuring him and it turns out this is not about him actually wanting to change these behaviors badly enough to want to do it for himself, this will probably blow up in her face at some point.

 

I've just seen this sort of thing before. It seems to simply cause problems where there never needed to be one. I'm thinking in particular of a male friend of mine who in the past, made a bunch of quick changes for his then-gf. He couldn't keep up with her expectations, eventually, but he didn't want to lose her, so his *brilliant* solution was to not smoke around her and hide it, and to do all his junk food eating and slothing while with his friends. But it was this secret between the two of them. Whether she knew all along or not, I don't know. She started off very encouraging, but it only lasted for about as long as he kept up her expectations of how much he *should* be changing. Then she'd get moody and punishing.

 

I just don't think it is the path for me, for sure. You know who you are getting when you sign up, so to speak. If you can't handle it from the front, maybe it's not the right person for you. It's not fair IMO to walk in with a clause that they need to change such and such if you are to deem them "good enough" for you. You know?

 

That is the extreme of it. Of course there can be situations where one person is simply a good influence on the other, and people start changing. That can happen. And that's great. (but don't count on it, is my thought) lol.

[Tanzi]

It's not so much what she is doing here as to why. There is nothing wrong with encouraging someone to lead a healthier lifestyle but it should be done for their benefit and not because you are trying to mold someone into your ideal person. However if they are both happy and he is a willing participant then I guess their is nothing too much to worry about.

[livelarge]

I'm sensitive to the issue, but any encouraging me to be "healthy" TO GET ME TO LOOK DIFFERENT pisses me off. And if it's the first thing somebody wants to do with me, I'm out of there. It's not a good start in my opinion. But who knows, maybe this guy needed a kick in the butt to get in shape and he appreciates the fact that his girlfriend isn't at all attracted to him the way he is.

[geekgirl4]

Well, here's a bit more info on their personalities. I've already mentioned that he used to almost never cook, never exercise, is almost 25 and hasn't finished his undergrad degree. She is very gengho about a healthy lifestyle (healthy eating, exercise frequently) and is a very goal oriented person. She is pretty vocal to her other aptmate who is not goal oriented or healthy at all and frequently tries to get that other aptmate on his feet and doing something. She really likes her partner's sense of humor, so I'd like to think that she's doing it because she likes him and he can benefit from these positive changes. But when I look at the kind of person she is and he is, I'm not sure whether he's doing it because the type of guys she likes are fit (and she's vocal about liking fit guys) or he's doing it because she eggs him on to do it. But positive change is still positive change...

[Snny]

Encouraging is one thing. Pressuring is controlling.

 

This barely works for my fiance. He grew up in a third world country where produce was not easy to obtain, so his parents didn't enforce the family to eat their veggies. Seafood was another issue because his country had Red Tide alerts... I got him into eating some fish, but he absolutely refuses to eat any shellfish such as shrimp, oysters, and clams. I have tried for YEARS to get him to eat steamed veggies with very little luck. All he'll eat is a salad. But he eats a TON of rice which can be very fattening (unless it's brown rice).

 

You accept a person for who they are and their habits. A person won't change unless they truly want to.