my mind drives me crazy, and it has for years.

[r0ckox]

I'm struggling today.

 

I have a problem that I don't know how to deal with... lately my mind has been messing with me, and it's really messing up my relationships with certain people, and it's affecting my lifestyle and the choices I make.

 

I have a tendency to be prone to depression, and have the feeling the people don't really care about me.

From what I've learned thus far, it's become apparent that I place my self-worth in other people's hands; going with the belief that if they don't want to be around me, then it means I'm not good enough for them...whether it's just a friend, or a woman who I'm interested in romantically. I believe that people have hidden motives when it comes to me, and that they pretend to be there, when they're really laughing behind my back, and looking for ways to get over on me.

I'm working on a new journal on this website, that I've called "the ladder" to which I'm searching for the root of my problem; but I still don't understand where this all comes from and I'd like some help. (enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=377963 if anyone feels the need to read it. It's in the beginning stages so there's not a lot in there.)

 

I've spoken with a therapist in the past, but I never really opened up to him. At the time there wasn't anything to open up about, I wasn't feeling this way; and was pretty much content with the emotional part of my life. He was more like a friend, and I also believe that if I can't handle this, or figure this problem out on my own, than I'm failing. I just refuse to seek "professional" help. This is something I should be able to deal with myself; but clearly, I'm posting here so I'm finding it hard.

 

For the last 2 years I've been struggling with keeping this woman in my life. This has been a girl who for years we've been friends and everything was fine; but 2 years ago there was talk about starting a relationship. She was really difficult to deal with. She'd hang up on me over the silliest of things, and ignore me for days, then come back like nothing happened, or like I did something to piss her off and it was my fault. I'd try and talk to her about this, but she wouldn't sit down and talk about anything. Nor would she spend a lot of time with me. Once or twice a month we'd hang out, and it was because she'd ask to... whenever I'd ask, I was always turned down. At one point, she had told me that she wanted me to want to hold her, and be cute and sweet with her but I found that to be impossible if we never saw each other. She never gave me the chance to get comfortable with her to open up physically.

After a while, when I started to notice that the relationship wasn't progressing, I began to believe that she was just playing mind games with me and didn't really care. I believe the root of that is because she had an ex before me, whom she treated like garbage. She use to make fun of him and call him a b*tch and stuff behind his back, and tell me that she just pretended to like him and then cheat on him with me.....so when I saw that things weren't going well with us, I believed she thought the same thing about me.

 

It's been 2 years, and I've put this girl through more than what she deserves. I've sent her a number of nasty emails and nasty text messages, trying to explain my mindset about things - and have told her countless times that I don't want to talk to her anymore and don't want her in my life. She's generally always accepted me back, or came back into my life on her own. I don't know how she continues to put up with me.

2 days ago, I had sent her a random text message at 10 at night, after drinking a little bit, telling her that I needed her to forget about me and move on so I can heal myself from the things that she's done to hurt me. I kept prying and prying, explaining my depressed mindset, and telling her that I had to beat this depression, and basically acted like she was the cause of it - telling her that I have to eliminate her from my life in order to beat it.

I called her yesterday after she didn't respond to me, and we pretty much talked it out....She told me I was acting like a girl and was some kind of psycho, and went on to tell me that she's never had to deal with this with anyone else before. That I just harass her, and that she doesn't take me seriously anymore.

I'm starting to think she's right, and it's upsetting to me that whenever I get upset at her, I want to throw her out of my life. We both know that I don't mean it, and I'll either come back and apologize, or she'll come back - but still ... the way I handle things so poorly with her is extremely upsetting to me.

 

More often than not, I tend to believe that my "friends" just want to use me and are only friends with me to get something out of me. Back in july, I ended a friendship with a guy who I was friends with for years, over the fact that he got all pissy with me when I told him I wouldn't loan him $10.

This was a guy that I pretty much carried, throughout the friendship. He needed a ride, I was there. He needed money, I loaned it. (he never paid me a cent back; because he never could, but I wasn't looking for paybacks. I never do.) He didn't have any cigarettes for the night, I'd share my packs with him. He couldn't afford beers when we'd go out, I'd buy them. He had no food, I'd stop and buy him something...and so on.

 

It bothered me, and still does to this day, that I was there whenever he needed me to me without question, but then got all mad because I finally said "no." It's like he couldn't understand at the time that I just couldn't help him, and he expected me to do as he wished. Yet if anyone else said no, he'd just say "okay its cool" and move on.

It's like I never got any respect from him. I haven't said a word to him since the indecent, nor did I open up and explain my frustration... just went No-Contact with him.

 

Another example is with another ex-friend of mine.

Another guy I did everything for; and when he got locked up, he called me for bail money, but the way he said it bothered me. Instead of calling and asking "hey, is there any way you can loan me XXXX for bail?" he was like "yo, what do you have on my bail money? I need $500. send it to my girl!" and when I had told him I couldn't help him, he called me a snake and a bunch of nasty names.

 

It's things like this that reinforce my negative thinking and end up driving my crazy.

 

I've placed myself in a huge.... HUGE depression over the last year or so due to all of this, and now it's starting to affect everything I do.

 

I drink heavily and look for ways I can get upset at people. I look for people to have their hidden motives, and constantly tell myself that nobody cares for me...even the people who've been in my life for many years.

 

It's becoming extremely upsetting, and I don't want to have this mindset anymore. I want to be happy.....normal. I want to feel good about my life and the people I've chosen to spend it with.

 

It's just my way of thinking. It's like everyone is out to get me and get over on me.

 

I don't want to ruin anymore friendships, or ruin my chances at a relationship anymore. I don't know how to fix this problem of mine?

 

I didn't word this the way I want - but this is the way it's coming out for now. I will elaborate if anyone asks me to. I apologize.

[Mauxly]

Depression, paranoia and hanging out with users/losers are all symptoms of alcoholism.

 

I know that you don't want professional help. But I'd at least quit drinking and see where that takes you.

[gingerlemon]

I've spoken with a therapist in the past, but I never really opened up to him. At the time there wasn't anything to open up about, I wasn't feeling this way; and was pretty much content with the emotional part of my life. He was more like a friend, and I also believe that if I can't handle this, or figure this problem out on my own, than I'm failing. I just refuse to seek "professional" help. This is something I should be able to deal with myself; but clearly, I'm posting here so I'm finding it hard.

 

Well, let me challenge you on this. Is there anything else in the world where you would say 'I'll deal with it myself without any assistance, help or tools'?? The myth of the isolated individual is just that - a myth. We are interconnected with other human beings in multiple ways, that's one of the things that makes us human. Everyone goes through periods in life where they need help and support from either friends, family or professionals to get by.

 

If you were building a web site for the first time, would you stubbornly say 'I'll do it myself'? Or would you use the expertise of people you know who were more experienced that you, used books that would help you along the way, used software that helps you reach your goal? Would you try to fix a broken shelf without a hammer and a nail? If you had a bad infection, would you say 'I won't see a doctor, I'm going to deal with this myself'?? There are actually very few things in life that we just 'deal with ourselves'. There is just no good reason to refuse professional help when you're suffering from depression and alcoholism.

 

I've been suicidal, suffered from depression and had alcohol problems myself. Here's a selection of things that helped me move forward:

therapy

anti depressants

more exercise

stop smoking

stop drinking

meditation

spending more time outdoors/ in nature

working on opening up to other people

eating healthy

reading books I found helpful

making sure I got enough sleep

 

I'm sure that you can get better but I strongly urge to you face your issues head on and use whatever resources are available to tackle them. No point in denying yourself use of good resources when they are readily available. It just doesn't make sense.

 

Good luck!

[r0ckox]

Depression, paranoia and hanging out with users/losers are all symptoms of alcoholism.

 

I know that you don't want professional help. But I'd at least quit drinking and see where that takes you.

 

I'm working on it.

 

Well, let me challenge you on this. Is there anything else in the world where you would say 'I'll deal with it myself without any assistance, help or tools'?? The myth of the isolated individual is just that - a myth. We are interconnected with other human beings in multiple ways, that's one of the things that makes us human. Everyone goes through periods in life where they need help and support from either friends, family or professionals to get by.

 

If you were building a web site for the first time, would you stubbornly say 'I'll do it myself'? Or would you use the expertise of people you know who were more experienced that you, used books that would help you along the way, used software that helps you reach your goal? Would you try to fix a broken shelf without a hammer and a nail? If you had a bad infection, would you say 'I won't see a doctor, I'm going to deal with this myself'?? There are actually very few things in life that we just 'deal with ourselves'. There is just no good reason to refuse professional help when you're suffering from depression and alcoholism.

 

I've been suicidal, suffered from depression and had alcohol problems myself. Here's a selection of things that helped me move forward:

therapy

anti depressants

more exercise

stop smoking

stop drinking

meditation

spending more time outdoors/ in nature

working on opening up to other people

eating healthy

reading books I found helpful

making sure I got enough sleep

 

I'm sure that you can get better but I strongly urge to you face your issues head on and use whatever resources are available to tackle them. No point in denying yourself use of good resources when they are readily available. It just doesn't make sense.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Actually, yes. There are plenty of things in the world I'd say "I'll deal with it myself without any assistance, help or tools." I'm well aware we are interconnected with other human beings, and am also aware that we all go through life needing help and support. However, If I'm to ever be strong, I need to be able to do it on my own. I'm too stubborn right now, and am not able to ask for professional help.

At the same time, I've also come here for help. Not much on this username, but I do have another one where I've asked for advice.

 

Yes, If I was building a website, I'd do it myself. That;'s how I started making websites. I took code from a website that already existed, and used trial and error until I was able to figure out what each line of code meant. No software was used other than "notepad" and internet explorer; and within a few months, I had it all down-pat. You can argue that I used someone else's code - but that's not asking for some help, that's me viewing the page source and copy/pasting. As far as fixing a shelf... no, I'd have to use something else, and as far as an infection - clearly I'd have to see a doctor.... but my mental stress, is something I should be able to fix on my own. I'm a rather smart human being and although I'm dealing with some real tough emotional times; It's something I'm confident I'll be able to repair.

 

And again, I came here seeking help; so it's a start. I will not go a step further than here though. Not yet anyway.

 

I know you're trying to help, and I appreciate your post and your experience in dealing with what you've been through, but I'm not as bad. I haven't contemplated suicide, so I don't believe I have to go down that same road that you did.

 

I'll figure this out. Thank you for your replies

[gingerlemon]

No, I never meant you had to go down the same road as me, that was just an example. The general point was rather that of making use of available resources, which I think IS a smart thing to do. However, this is fundamentally not about being 'smart' or not, IMO. I'm pretty 'smart' too, if you judge it by my academic and other results/ IQ, /CV/ career, and I have some fairly substantial achievements to show for that many people 'envy' me (in want of a better word). But I just don't buy the dichotomy of 'do it myself' = good versus 'using available resources' = not good. I had that attitude about a decade ago, and IME I would have gotten further, faster without it, even though I've come pretty 'far' today. But every one of us need to find our own ways of addressing things!