Lady Rashomon Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 It's been a few months since the demise of my nearly decade-long relationship, and while I'm definitely doing better day by day, I miss my ex--not because I think we should be in a relationship together (in fact, the distance makes it easier to process all the reasons we were wrong for each other), but because I miss the ease of the contact, the shared knowledge and interests. I still love him, but I know he's not ready to be in any sort of contact (and I'm probably not either). In cases where you've shared so much of your life with another person, do you think it's possible to remain or become friends eventually? What have your experiences been? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesyjakk Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 nope hate the woman hope she rots! 8 n half years together jonesy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_Unknown2005 Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 I not, just didn't work out best to just go on your own path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle21689 Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Well, my sister dated this guy for 3 years. She broke up with him because she didn't see a future with him and wanted to see what was out there. He rebounded two weeks after and ended up marrying her a couple years later. My sister and him remain in contact till this day. Maybe talk once every month, two, or three. lol At first his wife was jealous...but over the years she has no problem with them keepin in touch. My sister is even dating someone new and he met her ex at my other sister's wedding and hit it off. Of course they get along the ex and guy she's seeing but it still felt odd to her. Me and my ex dated for 5 1/2 years. He broke up with me three months ago. I healed and I'm seeing someone new. Few days ago after 2 months NC my ex calls and wants to be together again. He's too late...I moved on. Maybe ONE DAY we'll try again but right now I am seeing where things go with this guy and living my new happy life. Me and my ex still keep in contact... I do have some feelings for him. I'm not gonna lie that it won't sting when he finds someone new. But I known him since I was 12 (10 years) and I have a feeling we will always keep in touch some how. We have a very deep bond. So we're not FRIENDS but we're still civil and keep in touch. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 It is possible but you would both have to be completely over each other for that to be able to happen. I personally think that when you become completely detached, emotionally, from an ex you then become indifferent to having any contact with them. All the time you ponder over whether or not you could be friends, either now or in the near future, you aren't really over them. It is far healthier, for emotional recovery, to learn to accept that they can no longer be a part of your life instead of looking ahead to a time when you can get back in touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sjan Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 *In cases where you've shared so much of your life with another person, do you think it's possible to remain or become friends eventually? What have your experiences been?* Well, we tried, and at the moment it's so so.... After out break up we had a few talks about being friends, and it seemed natural If we did so, her and my words were, "ofcource we will meet each other again, I might even come visit you, I don't hate you," "We will stay friends." Like I said,we tried. For me it was the most important thing after our break up, (I don't know why it is so important) Like you said Lady Rashomon, "In cases where you've shared so much of your life with another person" and that's the whole thing, I would like to keep the good memories and have still a bit of a contact. After our break up the suprisingly automaticly argues came up, just about silly little things. After the little argue we calmed down and tried again, until the next little issue.... Then I decide to do the NC and explained her all the details about the NC, they why's and the how's etc,etc. Another issue was born... atm we have slightly a tiny bit of a contact, I will message her whenever I am ready and not sooner. So to answer your question, I wish I could stay friends with her,even though it would be a plain friendship. contacting each other trough mail once a month or once a half year... but it's though to do. I know it's over and out with her... but still I can't just throw our memories and the sharing we did aside... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 know it's over and out with her... but still I can't just throw our memories and the sharing we did aside... The memories will always be there but as you start to heal you will be able to look upon them fondly and not feel so melancholy and wistful. They will take on a different meaning. The thing is ... what happens when either one of you finds someone else? Do you remain friends? Do you suddenly get dumped (as a friend, of course) all over again when they finally relinquish all contact in favour of their new SO. And what of their new partner? So many times we hear stories on eNA of new partners still being in contact with their ex. It is always questionnable as to why they haven't been able to give up all contact. There is a lot to take into consideration if you wish to keep up contact with an ex. It can cause a lot of problems. That is unless (as I said above) you are completely over them and you really aren't worried about their romantic activities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChellyV Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 i am friends with my other two exes but i have given time to heal before entertaining friendship. but not friends in the real sense of the word, thats a dangerous territory. my most recent ex with 2 weeks NC, i cannot possibly be friends with him not even in thought. he hurt me way too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bankkkai Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 So, whether or not you can be friends with your ex depends on how badly you got hurt in the break up or during a relationship? I'm trying to figure it out myself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesyjakk Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 i was hurt very badly, but for me it wasn't the leaving..it was that she lied, she emotionally raped me and screwed my head! if she just said...im leaving for another guy....id have said no probs...bye! but instead she made me hang on and on and on until i was in a million pieces...now im back together....i hope she goes and rots! hope that helps jonesy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChellyV Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 bankkkai, yes, i think whether or not friendship is ok is through your coping mechanism with pain and how you can forget things. ie my 7 year relationship was a mutual separation and truthfully he was very good to me, its just that things didnt work out. so a friendship afterwards was something i didnt mind. but prior to that we had 1 year NC afterwhich our social circles made us cross each other's paths. however, my recent ex treated me really badly ie going on weeks without talking to me, cusses me out a lot in furious rages, doesnt have room for a little childish tantrum, very low tolerance on mistakes, a classic narcissist. that being said, i think i am about to say a prayer that Lord, please do not let our paths cross ever again. but this is me prior to healing. maybe 2 to 3 years from now, a friendship will be ok but preferrably, not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twitchyfingers Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 I'm now on friendly terms with the man I was involved with for about 8 years, but it took us many years to get to this stage. We went through a lot of sloppy, difficult times trying to be friends right after our breakup, which was long and drawn out in itself. In hindsight, we should've done a more clean break, with no contact, but we didn't. There are still some limits to the friendship -- we don't discuss our love lives -- so it isn't as if we are friends in the way I am with others in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Friendships with ex's is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried. I think you will hear of a few successes after a long dose of NC but they are rare. It's better to just let it go and move on with your lives. After you have been romantic it is never the same. You are always the Ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sjan Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Yeah, I know that she's been dating, (she already told me that she was, in her last e-mail, and I asked and told her friendly to stop talking about the 'dating' subject, she even asked me if I was dating, and if I didn't,I should) atm I'm doing the NC but it's like a 75% NC, I deleted and blocked her from everything, she can only mail me and I can mail her. She has 3 daughters who are on Facebook, 2 of them I can still see on my second FB account. I have it though missing the kids,and I don't see harm in being friends with them. BUT.... ....If the time comes when she is getting serious with her date and I see comments or pictures from both of them on the daughters FB profile's , then I throw my NC a lever higher. Until I'm ready to face that certian item. Or not. I understand your point of vieuw, it will be akward to stay friends then if/when we both have found a love and keep messaging each other. I think the friendship will fade away in the end.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Yes I think it does fade eventually. I remained friends with an ex. It was all rather complicated and painful and it was the reason I found eNA. It is why I am not a big fan of staying friends with an ex. I think a clean break is best all round. It was only when I started seeing someone else that the pain stopped and I was able to see the situation for what it was. He was the one contacting me and dragging me back all the time and I allowed it because ... well, I can't think of a good reason other than I was clinging on. Once he had lost his hold over me I was OK staying friends (though I never initiated contact) but my bf really wasn't happy about it and I had to respect his wishes. As regards you kicking the NC up a higher level when she starts getting serioulsly involved .... don't you think it is better to do that BEFORE she gets serious with someone else? Would it not hurt you to see her in a serious relationship? Why hang on waiting for the inevitable to happen and the inevitable pain that will follow? Isn't it better to start moving on before that happens. What you don't know, can't hurt you .. and what can't hurt you, can't hold you back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 We remained friends - chatted on line regularly and saw each other a few times (so he could fix something he gave me as a gift) for two years after the break up (7 year on and off relationship). When he started dating someone and told me (I think he had had a few dates before that but this obviously was potentially serious) I then let him take the lead in all contact and when that contact decreased I allowed it to. I heard through the grapevine that he got engaged and married and I didn't contact him. Strangely, his mother contacted me about two months before he got engaged (by e-mail, I wrote back a chatty, pleasant email) and his wife who I'd never met or spoken to contacted me a few months after they married because she wanted to meet me for dinner (with my ex there) . I emailed my ex, sure it was a mistake. It wasn't. My bf and I met them a few weeks later. They treated, I offered to reciprocate sometime in the future. I invited her to dinner a few months later (I didn't want to contact him in case that made her/them uncomfortable). She said she would get back to me and a few months later emailed me again to invite me to a business function. I told her I couldn't make it and attached a few baby pics (she knew I was expecting) -she thanked me and that's it. I think she wanted to meet me because I was the most serious ex in his life, but I'm not really sure. I think she was relieved that I was committed to someone else and expecting a baby but since I hadn't been in touch with her husband in over a year by the time we met I'm not sure why in the world she would feel any threat or even concern in the least. Interesting experience that's for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Thanks for the responses. I'm feeling better today. I think part of the reason I'd like to remain friends has to do with the guilt I feel over leaving and knowing that I couldn't give him what it was he wanted (and vice-versa); I'd like to know that he's okay and I guess that part of my hope to remain friends or see each other occasionally has to do with knowing that things are okay between us. I actually know of people who've been able to remain cordial with their exes. I don't have the expectation that we'll end up best friends, but I've seen stranger things happen. For now, I suppose the ball is in his court. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewendy Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 It may be too early for me to say anything, but I would really like to be friends with my ex in the future. Not in the next few months or in the next year or something, but eventually. We grew up together, and all the good friends I have to this day are the friends we had 8 years ago when we first met. I have a feeling these will be the friends who will be with me until I grow old, and he is part of this group. Things will be awkward in the next couple of years or so, I think, but I hope we can get past that eventually. I don't know, it may be too early to tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Thanks for the responses. I'm feeling better today. I think part of the reason I'd like to remain friends has to do with the guilt I feel over leaving and knowing that I couldn't give him what it was he wanted (and vice-versa); I'd like to know that he's okay and I guess that part of my hope to remain friends or see each other occasionally has to do with knowing that things are okay between us. I actually know of people who've been able to remain cordial with their exes. I don't have the expectation that we'll end up best friends, but I've seen stranger things happen. For now, I suppose the ball is in his court. It is not a good idea to remain in touch with an ex in order to ease your own guilt. If you are feeling guilty for the part you may have played in the demise of your relationship then you should feel equally guilty as to the part you may play in holding your ex back from his path of recovery ... because that is, effectively, what happens when we stay in touch with our ex's when either one of us isn't emotionally ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aether Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I was engaged to a guy (before recent ex), we were together for 5 years, we had one of those relationships that people envied, you would hear people say that we were meant to be together. We were best friends, went everywhere together, did everything together, talked about everything imaginable, it was the most emotionally satisfying relationship I have ever had, I would say now that he was a soulmate (a rather than my, I believe we have more than one). It was a seriously beautiful relationship, I won't go into why we're not together anymore as it doesn't matter, but after we broke up we lived together for 6 months afterwards just because we didn't want to live apart, we stayed best friends I guess. I eventually moved out as I was finding it all rather difficult in the end. We stayed in contact with each other after that, I went and visited him a couple of times after that, he got a girlfriend and we got on very well, she's now his wife and they have 2 kids. We don't interact much anymore but we will never forget each other, I have him and his wife on facebook still, I have no doubt that I would be welcomed into their lives if thats what I wanted but I choose not to, not because I don't care or because I still hurt because I haven't for many years, I know for a fact what we had was special and I know that his wife knows this and she would probably admit it herself. That's never going to be lost, I know this and I suppose I just don't feel a need to be a part of his or their life anymore. I hope many of you feel this way eventually As for the most recent, well I already posted on here with regard to that one lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 It is not a good idea to remain in touch with an ex in order to ease your own guilt. If you are feeling guilty for the part you may have played in the demise of your relationship then you should feel equally guilty as to the part you may play in holding your ex back from his path of recovery ... because that is, effectively, what happens when we stay in touch with our ex's when either one of us isn't emotionally ready. I would never want to hold him back from recovery and I'm not expecting us to be friends in the near future at all. I imagine it would take at least a couple years (maybe more) for us to begin to even approach that. I realize that my guilt is standing in the way of my objectivity right now, but beyond that, he's a wonderful person and we have a TON of shared interests. As time goes by, it's possible that we'll both feel differently and that we'll have resolved our feelings enough so that either we'll want to be friends or we'll both feel comfortable moving on without each other's presence. In any case, I know he will always be special to me, so if all I have left are memories in the long run, at least I'll know to keep the good ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBroken Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I am friends with an ex from many years ago. I broke up with him because I was questioning my sexuality. We were together almost 7 years. We have been split for about 7 years and have kept contact for most of the time (except when we split, we took that space from each other to recover). He and I shoot the ish every now and again and hang out on occasion as well. My recent ex (the one that brought me to this board) has been in touch with me on a few occasions recently. Im not sure if we are "friends" however, she was the dumper. Perhaps with a bit more time under my belt, we will be friends again, or we wont. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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