Hard to make friends my own age

[BritterSweet]

It's not that I don't have ANY friends, but I just can't easily make friends in my age group. I can get along well with other people, but I don't have a circle of close friends I hang out with regularly.

 

I had a best friend in high school, but we are now going to different colleges (my other high school friends have spread out). And even though she doesn't live far from me, we hardly ever see each other anymore.

 

This is probably due to my personality, but I have a much easier time befriending those outside my age group. I get many compliments about how great I am at playing with children. And I like to occasionally get into deep conversations with older adults. But when around other college-aged people, like my classmates, I can't think of anything to say. I'm the kind of person who is quiet and sometimes not all there.

 

In another thread on this site (but in a different category), someone said that if anyone doesn't have friends then there's something wrong with them. I probably shouldn't let it bother me, as I'm not totally incapable of making friends, but for some reason it still does. Is there something wrong with me?

[PaintWithLight]

Do you have any real close friends, even those older than you? I am not talking about "befriending" someone or having a nice chat but an actual ongoing, spend time, call me - i call you friendship? It sounds like the age issue is a smoke screen and you need to learn the art of socialization and how to attract people.

 

Trying joining a club or organization with scheduled events like photography, eco-awarenes, animal care, etc. You will then be surrounded by people of a like mind and you will a natural gathering point where you can interact in a more relax environment. Good luck!

[BritterSweet]

Actually when you word it that way...I don't think I have any of that kind of friendship. I'm close to my family, and don't really go out to socialize.

When I think of it, you're right. The age thing is a smoke screen. Regardless of age, I can "befriend" someone, but keeping friendships is another matter.

 

I'm actually an introvert, meaning a bit of a loner. I can be alone without being lonely. I don't feel the need to be around people or hang out with friends all the time. And for a long time, up until now, all of that felt normal. It's not that I don't know how to be a friend. Heck, I already knew about the club/organization idea. It's more about a lack of motivation.

 

Even now I'm not really lonely or feeling any urge to go out and socialize. And I'm worried that that makes me a freak. That other thread kind of struck a chord in me because it was the first time I ever truly felt shunned.

[stormie]

Even now I'm not really lonely or feeling any urge to go out and socialize. And I'm worried that that makes me a freak. That other thread kind of struck a chord in me because it was the first time I ever truly felt shunned.

 

It doesn't make you a freak. We all go through different stages in our lives where at times we're lonely but are perfectly fine that way. And sometimes we are lonely and but not okay with it. When you grow older, you'll see that this is in fact normal and a fact of life. Loneliness happens in many times during our lives - after high school as our friends go off to college, after breakups, after divorce, after our children leave the home - all of these events make us lonely.

 

What makes people become friends are shared experiences - the deeper the experience (length of time, bad/great experience) the tighter they will be. If you do not have a shared experience with someone, chances are you won't simply connect at a deeper level with someone.

One solution that I give people is to join link removed. It's a friendship site that focuses on strangers getting together and doing things. There are some decent people on that site to become friends with.

[catfeeder]

It doesn't make you a freak. We all go through different stages in our lives where at times we're lonely but are perfectly fine that way. And sometimes we are lonely and but not okay with it. When you grow older, you'll see that this is in fact normal and a fact of life. […].

 

I love your opening line, Stormie. It would make a great title, "No, you are not a freak." It's funny because the very problems that can make someone feel freakish are so universal--shared by everyone else who suffers privately. It only appears to us that all the people we see can't possibly know the same suffering. That's an illusion. Hah! Because everyone who suffers this way does it ALONE. Then they put their on game face in public and do their best to 'appear' to integrate comfortably. Ehm…just like everyone else.

 

The biggest liberation I learned from this problem was to embrace the old and young. The people my own age were a split between being too mature about certain things or not mature enough to care about the things that mattered to me. I had both big gaps and big advancements in my own personality that both old and young people could help me integrate over time, I just needed to relax and let that happen.

 

I know it's natural to want to be like everyone your own age, but your gifts are your own unique value. It's difficult to serve unique gifts to a table of conformists who are too self-absorbed yet to recognize what those qualities ARE.

 

Meanwhile, see comfort in the older folks--they'll understand you and help you navigate this.

[stormie]

I love your opening line, Stormie. It would make a great title, "No, you are not a freak." It's funny because the very problems that can make someone feel freakish are so universal--shared by everyone else who suffers privately. It only appears to us that all the people we see can't possibly know the same suffering. That's an illusion. Hah! Because everyone who suffers this way does it ALONE. Then they put their on game face in public and do their best to 'appear' to integrate comfortably. Ehm…just like everyone else.

 

Oh I know, I've come to that realization that this is the case for the great majority of us

 

But you know that I've seen people who are able to make and keep friends so easily, and at times it does make me wonder - and I'll be honest with you and to the OP about that. I have a friend who is able to keep the friends she's made while she was a child, and she's in her mid forties! I wish I had that, since I'm not interested in dating at the moment. If I too can find a good group of girlfriends to hang out with - people whom I can relate to and make a good connection with, I think I'd feel blessed and wouldn't feel sad half the time.

 

((hugs to you, Catfeeder - you're so awesome!))

[catfeeder]

Hugs back at ya. True, some people are blessed with social graces from a young age. Instead of comparing myself to them, I've tried to learn from them. Everyone's ahead of someone else in certain areas. When someone older was willing to teach me things, I paid that forward by giving something of myself to someone else--whether a favor for a coworker, volunteering with a non-profit, or just being kind to someone who was having a worse day than me.

 

This weaves a web of generosity that IS the foundation of generous and social people. You become focused on what you're giving instead of what you're not getting, and you resonate at that level. Self consciousness, I've read, is narcissistic and the opposite of generous. It makes every situation about you. I'd never thought of it that way.

 

Having the audacity to consider the comfort and feelings of other people was enough to get me out of my own way. I volunteered at an older friend's agency, and I started meeting people in that context. They were already there to serve in positive ways, so this was a completely different platform than typical schoolgirl competition.

 

Older friends are humans, too. They have families and interests and parties that mix all ages. You might find yourself glazing some ceramics with old women one day, and bar hopping with their daughters and nieces the next. Go there!