PistonHonda6 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 What I was trying to say that the intensity of the hurt that I felt did NOT ALLOW me to CHOOSE. But I am not disputing WHAT I SHOULD HAVE done after being dumped. What I actually did, due to intense pressure I confessed my deep love to her... What professional investigators do to get confession from someone... they deprive him from sleep and put him under severe pychological pressure.. ie my case... of course it is different case to case.. So I continue to say your analysis and advice are CORRECT and I appreciate them .. but in my particular case I COUND NOT HAVE reacted otherwise, which you did not yet acknowledge. Resilient, I acted the same way, so don't feel too bad. I got blindsided by a breakup of a 7 year relationship that never had any fights or breakups before. The night she told me, I was calm & rational and I actually said "I think you should do whatever is going to make you happy." But by the next day I was panicked and losing my mind. In the following weeks I became a pathetic desperate mess, at one point begging for her back. I do regret that. But I also got much closer with my ex, discussing what went wrong, how I could fix it (for either reconciliation or for whoever I date next), and the best times we shared together. I dont regret that one bit. It really helped us have a mature way to bring closure (for now) to the relationship. Now I'm in NC and it was VERY difficult at first, because I kept thinking I had "a few more things to tell her". But now I appreciate the control NC gives you. It frees you from being a slave to that one last message, or wondering if they are going to reply, etc. Because you are ignoring them on purpose. Although it definitely helps your NC a LOT when they DO contact you with a breadcrumb, and you laugh as you ignore it because you know they are just fishing to see if you will bite. But you dont bite because you know they don't want you back yet (if ever). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sentencedtoagony Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I remember mine telling me, ' I know it's not easy but I need you to be the rock in this relationship' while I'm flipping out over all the I love you texts from her ex that she ultimately got back with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 PistonHonda, thank you for your words of encouragement... I think it takes someone to be there to appreciate what we have been through, and I do... since break-up, even though I exchanged with her few emails, I never called her phone or talked to her verbally, I never asked her to come back.. I only "expressed" to her my shock and dismay of what I felt... otherwise I exactly did what you have done... first I told her 'it is your choice, I can not hold you accountable against your own free will feeling' then at mid night I went into emotional meltdown. Yes, I take your point 100% regarding NC... I think we can hear better from someone who has been there rather than listen to someone lecturing from a high tower (and no offense to anyone)... sometimes we listen but yet we can not hear... does that make any sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Hey, I have been there myself, too. And sometimes you only have to look at someone that is rolling on the floor in agony from putting their hand on a hot stove, to be knowledgable enough to tell them not to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 dramallama, I am not glad that you have been there.. because I know the bitter taste of how it feels... the way I see it now is not having put my hand on a hot stove, but my hand turning on the stove to full heat and not knowing that own my emotions were the only ingredients for the meal... and I had to sip it all alone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sim54 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 The fact that you let your emotions dictate your behaviour simply means you haven't mastered yourself yet. But then many of us haven't. I behaved far worse with my ex, and not till nearly 4 months after we had broken up. We'd been in steady contact, getting on ok, but having arguments now and then and she was slowly withdrawing. I eventually went into meltdown, and went around her house and begged her not to shut me out. She asked me to leave, and we haven't spoken since then. It was a 'disaster' in one way, but in another, it was going to happen either way. I wasn't mature enough to handle the situation, but I also realised that I had to have her reject me, so I could cut the cord and move on. So, in the end, it was bad and good. Your email doesn't really change anything, she was gone anyway, and if it made you feel better, then fine. She was quite sweet in her response to you. Ultimately, I aim to get to a place of maturity where I can enter and leave relationships with strength, integrity and courage. I'm working on it. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Hey dramallama, Aren't you going to give my any credit for not asking to see her or not even trying to talk to her by phone? even though she kept the door open for me to do so? I never told her I want to mend things or get back or to give me any chances... I only expressed my hurt feelings which is a natural human reaction... it has been one month already since break-up... No credit for me whatsoever in this regard? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 But breaking NC is the same, not matter which method you do it... I'm not sure why by phone or letter or carrier pigeon would make a difference. You're still making a pre-meditated attempt to contact your ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 But breaking NC is the same, not matter which method you do it... I'm not sure why by phone or letter or carrier pigeon would make a difference. You're still making a pre-meditated attempt to contact your ex. ok accepted. but definitely not pre-meditating to break the NC... I am just regretting having created a mess of communicating my emotions to her after break-up... I thought had I contacted her by phone, I would have given my pathetic message a sound effect that would have been much worse than only sending emails... I wanted to earn the credit for not having gone that road... do you think if I maintain NC indefinitely, she would forget the image of that pathetic loser who once was me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 I think it IS better to send a letter, than talking on the phone. But still, your intention was to contact her and try to plant the seed in her mind so you can get her back. Manipulation is still maniplulation no matter the medium used, and contact is still contact. I don't know whether she would forget your weaker moments. Only she knows that, and she wouldn't know that right now anyway. You should be focusing on healing FROM the relationship, because right now you have not accepted her decision yet, not whether she will come back. Because nobody knows that. But judging by all the information given to you from her, what you DO know for now, unless she specifically tells you otherwise, is that she doesn't want to be with you. That's all you need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 Her mission towards me is accomplished! "In relationships the longest path between two points is a straight line" ... I knew it but failed to apply it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 What do you by "her mission"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 What do you by "her mission"? unless she specifically tells you otherwise, is that she doesn't want to be with you. That's all you need to know. That is what I meant by her mission towards me... I was not referring to the purpose of her mission, she only knows that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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