resilient Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I was dumped on 1st March after 5 month of wonderful relationship.. She came to my home for the purpose of telling me she decided to break-up. At first, I said ok its your choice ... goodbye... then midnight I wrote her my dumpee pleading letter after the emotions took their toll on me... She replied next day with her Dumper response letter... here are both... can anyone read between the lines from the Dumper's response? ok everybody online told me it is over... but this is an attempt from me to learn more from this experience... Subject: How? you have been there! The Dumper's reply: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generaldiscord Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I think your email was from the heart, and her response was well reasoned and clear. Breakups feel horrible, but they aren't always bad in the long term... just be glad she broke up when she knew rather than waiting forever. I would reccomend you don't accept her offer to send lots of emails, instead, just don't contact her for a couple months and give yourself the time to redevelop your independance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 NC, NC and more NC from now on. It is very obvious she has no intentions of taking you back. i.e. "I am deeply sorry to cause you pain. I'm aching more for that than for anything else." You are aching of heartbreak. She is aching of guilt, and she has no regret. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Real Deal Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Sorry man, but bad letter even if it's true. You pained yourself as the victim and that is not attractive to women, I don't care what anyone says regarding that either. I tried to be supportive when I know you need support This says it all. Whether we as men like it or not, it is not a woman's role to be emotionally supportive of us. However, it is our role to be emotionally supportive of them. Make sense? Relationships end simply because one or both people lose attraction for the other, period! All the other crap is just wall dressing. Granted, many factors can contribute to loss of attraction, but it is the one and only reason that someone does not want to be with another. Don't play the victim and work on yourself. I don't care who it is but we all have issues the cause someone to dump us. There is no such thing as an "ambush". Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Although she says her heart is aching also, she makes it clear that this is due to the agonising she went through before deciding to end the relationship and the guilt she is feeling from hurting you. It is not because she is struggling with her decision and wants to be with you. She doesn't see a long term future in this relationship and therefore feels it is better to end it now than to continue on when feelings are stronger and the pain is more intense. I don't see anything in this letter that suggests she still has feelings for you in the way you would like her to have or that she is going to regret her decision later on. It seems clear that she is more than ready to move on. You are going to have to do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 This says it all. Whether we as men like it or not, it is not a woman's role to be emotionally supportive of us. However, it is our role to be emotionally supportive of them. Make sense? Thank you Real Deal for this insight.. maybe this is the point that I have been missing all along... can you elaborate on that? do all women agree with this? I thought my role is to be financially supportive in the first place... and when I lost that edge at some point in time ie two months after we started our relationship, my self confidence started to decline... and hence lost my attraction... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 She's done. Leave her totally alone. She may be in touch with you later down the line, then you can choose if you want to talk to her or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Thank you Real Deal for this insight.. maybe this is the point that I have been missing all along... can you elaborate on that? do all women agree with this? I thought my role is to be financially supportive in the first place... and when I lost that edge at some point in time ie two months after we started our relationship, my self confidence started to decline... and hence lost my attraction... yes................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 yes................ oh , now I know... never thought about that... I should have been solid as rock when s**t hit the fan... must have mistook her for my mother... apologies ... where have you been therapists? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 oh , now I know... never thought about that... I should have been solid as rock when s**t hit the fan... must have mistook her for my mother... apologies ... where have you been therapists? LOL res! well if she made a good mother, then ask her if she's willing at least come cook you dinner lol. Men need to show strength, and a back bone...but not over bearing..ya know?! we like lovable too. Anyway...she's holding some resentment too it sounds like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 LOL res! well if she made a good mother, then ask her if she's willing at least come cook you dinner lol. Well, she did say she wanted to quit working soon as we get married, so she could enjoy doing her hobby which is cooking... but seriously I was brought up in a family where the mother was the prime mover... but anyway then why do they say 'behind every great man there is a great woman'? did they mean the mother or the wife? and in what way? for example when I was not working for 3 month I was expecting her say 'ok you need to watch your spending for the time being'.. not to act otherwise.. she thought she was being supportive by suggesting going out more frequently... Nevertheless, I have to agree with you, I should have not shown signs of depression when things went bad... that was the turn off point for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Doyathink, could you please tell me your understanding of this line? where do I fit in it ... in her heart or her mind? I'm just not willing to take risks when I know my mind is telling me something and my heart is telling me something else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I think what she's saying is she loves you, but knows it wont work. Her heart is with you, but her head tells her to leave you for whatever reason. But here again.....ppl say things out of pain to. In the beginning especially. Over time, you dont know how she might feel. Id just give her some room right now...she has to think things through. Dont get into the push/pull thing right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 She's telling you to let go, dude. If you don't listen to us, listen to her. She's sorry that she hurt you, but she knows she's made the right deicison. And your email. It comes accross like you're a child, a very desperate child having a tantrum. I'm not saying it's bad for dumpees to feel upset and ask "why?", in fact it's very natural and theraputic. But to CHOOSE to email your ex like that... it's quite sad. I know you're hurting but you could have gotten out of this with your dignity, but instead you chose to email her. If she had doubts before about whether to break up with you and whether it was the right choice, she NOW knows that it was the right choice because desperation is the opposite of attractiveness, especially for men. You CAN cry for your ex and what you've lost, but do it in private, where your ex will never know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 But to CHOOSE to email your ex like that... it's quite sad. I know you're hurting but you could have gotten out of this with your dignity, but instead you chose to email her. Dramallama, I have been reading your posts... I always thought your words should be encraved in stone...and I do highly respect and admire your opinion ... but in this particular case... how could you expect me to CHOOSE while I have been traumatized? ... she always told me she would never go to sleep if she thought there is misunderstanding looming without sorting out such misunderstanding.. then she comes suddenly not to discuss issues but to break-up... my mind was telling me I shouldn't have sent that email, indeed I deleted her BB contact immediately... but yet I couldn't have simply switched off the intimacy level that we had instantly and not release the same intimate hurt feelings to her personally... I know it will heal with time.. but time has not passed much yet.. It is anew.. I am just trying to relief some pressure so please bear with me or you don't have to read this till the end.. That was exactly how I felt then... and if I didn't send the email to her I would have probably got some brain damage.. this is how much I loved her then... (maybe for my own reasons). but I am human not machine... I take the point that everybody is advicing here... I need to give NC and not to be hopefull for reconciliation at least so I could move on.. but you make it sound as a helpless case even in the future... you seem to picture the Dumpers as Perfect people who are not yielding and who will have no regrets... and not seeing any slight conflicting signals in her message... In other words what I understand from what you are saying is if the one you loved dumps you for whatever reason... do not show any feelings.. just walk away.. I did that in the first instance, but later on my brain function could not override this strong feeling of having to let her know how I honestly felt.. Ok the result is negative.. but I still owe it her to tell her the truth by virtue of true love... does that make me insane? ok you got another valentine to celebrate... What dignity are you talking about? love does not know dignity.. playing cool while feeling hurt will cost me my integrity instead which I personally think is more important.. now I feel my integrity is still intact... what's the end result of my action? losing her and pushing her further for good? ok let it be but I know one year down the line I will have no regrets whatsoever... Respecting her choices does not mean I have to depress the feelings that she caused in me.. you know that's not healthy .. Otherwise how could we grow emotionally and learn from our hurt experiences? I would like to borrow Real Deal's quote: "The degree to which a man is devastated when a relationship ends is directly proportional to the degree that he allowed his terms and boundaries to be compromised during that relationship." Yes this is a lesson that I could learn... I admit I have compromised my terms and boundaries... but not all, that's why she backed-up because her love was not stronger that her convienance... And I acknowledge that I learned alot from this site and all the valuable threads and posts... we are here to discuss and learn.. so thanks to all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 resiliant - you are so out of it, and your thinking is so unbalanced right now that you aren't even in a state to analyse your relationship at the moment. You need time not just to heal from her, but to start to see things clearly. Everything is a choice, and even though I know it must have been a lot of pain that you're in, you CHOSE to email her instead of staying away. Sure, she probably would have stayed away anyway and not come back to you, but at least you would have gotten away with your dignity. Nevermind. I really don't know what to say, but I hope you stick with NC even just to get your head together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Real Deal Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 My brother, no matter what you can not undo what has been done and no barganing, reasoning or begging will change her feelings about the BU or about you. The sounds harsh but you need to work on the way you feel about YOURSELF and not how she views you, or concern yourself with what she wants. Respect her choice and do not play the victim role. It will prolong your healing by ten fold in terms of the time it takes. Take responsibility for where you fell short and work on those things. A woman (or anyone) should never be the source of your happiness. Neither should external factors. This is easier said than done but just look for information on this. I assure you if you work on yourself in this area you will achieve a peace and happiness that is unstopable. As a by product, your relationships with women, and everyone in your life, will be more fullfiling and successful than you have ever imagined. I know, it sounds *mystical* or like some new age crap, but I assure you it is not. The first step in this is accepting that you need some work. After that you need to do something about it and it can be painful at times but you will come out the other side much, much better and happier. Just trust me (as much as one can trust a random on some forum). Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 Respect her choice and do not play the victim role. Thank you Real Deal for the hard truth... and I do accept it ... even if I do not regret having expressed my free will emotions ... at the end of the day everyone of us sings his own song... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Dramallama, I have been reading your posts... I always thought your words should be encraved in stone... and I do highly respect and admire your opinion ... but in this particular case ... In this particular case you are not standing on the outside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 So you respect and value my opinion, and think my words should be engraved in stone... but when it comes to YOUR situation, I'm suddenly wrong? I use the same logic assessing your situation as any other break up situation. It's just that reading my advice makes you feel uncomfortable because it's the truth. But nevermind, I hope you find the strength to go NC so that you can centre yourself and become balanced again. That's what you really need. You're not in a position to be in a relationship with anyone, let alone your ex. Mend the relationship with yourself first, like, for the rest of this year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 So you respect and value my opinion, and think my words should be engraved in stone... but when it comes to YOUR situation, I'm suddenly wrong? I use the same logic assessing your situation as any other break up situation. It's just that reading my advice makes you feel uncomfortable because it's the truth. Dear dramallama, If your advices, in spite of their correctness were easy to apply, I would nott have said your words should be engraved in stone... they will defintely help someone who is not invovled in a situation and before falling in emotional melt down after being dumped. What I was trying to say that the intensity of the hurt that I felt did NOT ALLOW me to CHOOSE. But I am not disputing WHAT I SHOULD HAVE done after being dumped. What I actually did, due to intense pressure I confessed my deep love to her... What professional investigators do to get confession from someone... they deprive him from sleep and put him under severe pychological pressure.. ie my case... of course it is different case to case.. So I continue to say your analysis and advice are CORRECT and I appreciate them .. but in my particular case I COUND NOT HAVE reacted otherwise, which you did not yet acknowledge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I will never acknowledge that it wasn't a choice to contact her, no. Any psychological torture you put yourself under after the break up of your ex was self imposed. And, in line that most situations occur out of a result of personal choice, you probably could have taken care of yourself better that you wouldn't have had an emotional meltdown. But nevertheless, I hope that now you are in a better state to continue NC, just to get your head together, because you don't seem all that stable, tbh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 But nevertheless, I hope that now you are in a better state to continue NC, just to get your head together, because you don't seem all that stable, tbh. I acknowledge that I am not emotionally stable yet, at least not until I remove her spell on me and its toxic effect. But even though I can not control what I emotionally feel and say here, I know I can now control my actions. I will keep NC as proof of having control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sim54 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 This is UTTER nonsense! It is nobodies 'role' to be emotionally supportive of someone else, but when two people form an equal partnership they will probably decide to be emotionally supportive of each other. I get so sick of people saying that men should be a 'rock' for someone else. Men simply need to grow up and become mature and responsible for themselves, as do women. Rocks are cold, immovable and lifeless. I'm pretty sure that women want an alive man, with emotions. What you all seem to miss is that there is a difference between acting on emotions or being emotionally dramatic, and simply expressing how you feel. Ask any woman if they like a man who is unemotional and who doesn't express how he feels? It is fine to lean on your woman for support now and then as long as you don't get really needy, and don't do it all the time. Balance is the key. Most women love to be there for their guy and to support him, and to be INCLUDED in his life! She even says it here. She tried to be supportive to you, but you wouldn't let her in! When you don't let her in then the gaps appear in the connection, and distance is created. Do you understand? And there are many reasons why people break up, not just loss of attraction. Loss of love is one, abuse is another, loss of respect. Attraction can still be there. OP, you were only together for 5 months. That is a very short time, and not time enough for a real loving bond to have formed. Sorry for your loss, but the writing is on the wall with this one. Don't become a rock, just learn to take care of yourself. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 She even says it here. She tried to be supportive to you, but you wouldn't let her in! When you don't let her in then the gaps appear in the connection, and distance is created. Do you understand? I hear what you are saying Simbad.. she tried be supportive when I lost my job, by insisting on planning for a grand wedding.. the fact that she is now gone sums it all up for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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