Namuroise24 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Hi All, Thanks for taking a few moments to read and provide some feedback that will (hopefully!) ease my mind. I'm 24 and am recently engaged to an amazing man that I have been with for almost 4 years. I couldn't be happier. Recently though it has bothering me that I haven't been completely honest with him about my past in 2 ways: First, I was bulimic on and off from age 15 to 20. (I stopped a few months before I met him and the happiness he brought into my life was what I think saved me more than anything). Only my mom knows about my past struggle with bulimia. I rarely think about that part of my past because it is so painful and I am so happy now. My fiance knows that I am sometimes insecure about my weight, but we both know that I am a healthy weight and take good of myself. I have never been able to tell him about this part of my life because I feel like he will judge me or love me less and that he will ask lots of questions. Second, I lied to my fiance about the number of sexual partners I've been with. My fiance caught me off guard and asked me about this when we first started dating. I don't know why I lied, but I have never corrected myself and come clean. (I lied and said 2, when really it was 1). The person who I said I was my first was really just a friend while I was living abroad - we really didn't even date, let alone sleep together. The guy "W" I actually did sleep with was someone I dated really briefly and slept with right away. I know I'm not a psychologist and shouldn't make excuses for myself, but I was really messed up at this point of my life (when I was 19). About a year prior to sleeping with "W" I was sexually assaulted at a party by a male "friend" (at the time I thought he was a friend) who I had known for a while. (He penetrated me with his fingers while I was half unconscious from drinking). I felt like guys just wanted to use me for sex and I just wanted to lose my virginity to get it over with or that somehow it would make me feel cleaner after the assault. Obviously, my attitude towards men and my views towards sex (that it can be something intimate between people who love each other) has changed since I've been with my fiance. I don't know if I lied to somehow console myself that my first sexual experience wasn't being digitally penetrated against my will at a party. I feel terribly guilty for lying to my fiance when he has been nothing but amazing to me these past 4 years. I know some people feel entitled to keep secrets, but I feel like I should tell him, but I don't know how. I'm really scared of hurting him and that he might leave me. Our relationship as it stands is really happy and secure, so I am worried to death. I have just found it so hard to talk about my past because I am so happy now and a completely different person. Any thoughts would really be appreciated. Thank you for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Don't say anything. This is something that is in the past and done with. Had you been unduly promiscuous that may be something he could know (even that is debatable) but rest easy on your conscience. You have done nothing to be ashamed of and nothing that you have some sort of duty or obligation to share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If you do tell him about the bulimia, do not tell him that his introduction into your life that helped to catalyze your changes away from it. That's basically saying "As long as you're here, I won't be sick" and that's a lot of undeserved pressure to put on someone. Other than that, be honest with him. Someone who loves you will not judge you for things out of your control, and bulimia is quite frequently out of someone's control, which is why it's a sickness. As for the partners, just tell him, it's a lie, yes, but certainly not a monstrous one. In fact, he may even be relieved the number is lower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Welcome to ENA and Happt Saint Patricks Day! So you lied and increased the number of men you were with correct? I think he will be relieved to here it was less not a lot more. Your struggles with eating is a tricky one as I wouldn't want you to do anything that might make you relapse. I can tell you that he is marrying all of you, not just the perfect parts and he really should know everything that could affect your marriage in the future. The sexual partners thing is pretty minor but it wasn't the truth so you might not want that hanging over your head. Having a solid foundation to build your marriage on is very important. All in all I think this is not that big of a deal and if he can't accept that you couldn't tell him in the beginning then maybe he isn't the person for you. Your should be with someone that accepts you at your best and worst. Fearing the unknown is the worst isn't it? If we just knew how he would react you could be certain everything would be okay if you told. I would say if not telling him is making you feel like this, he will eventually be able to tell something isn't right and think he has done something wrong. In the end it is your choice to reveal your health issues but the sexual partner thing was a lie and should be corrected. Best wishes Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Personally, I feel two people getting married should be able to be completely honest with each other. He loves you, your past should not matter to him. He might ask why you didn't tell him these things sooner, simple explain how painful it is to talk about and you didn't want to enter into a marriage with any secrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would keep these things to yourself. Just because you are marrying the guy doesn't mean he needs to know absolutely everything about your past. He shouldn't have asked how many partners you have had anyway. I wonder if he was that honest about his past. I wonder what emotional issues and problems he has had in his past that he has not told you about. I can understand telling someone if you had a drug past, a conviction or an alcohol addiction that have potential legal and violence ramifications but bulimia is not something that has legal ramifications so you are not obliged to tell him that any more than someone is obliged to talk about the depression they had 5 years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capilot Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I dunno. I didn't see anything there that I wouldn't mind hearing if I was in his shoes. It's all in how you frame it, and I would frame it pretty much the way you said it: You used to be bulimic, but being with him has turned your life around and now you're happy. You've had fewer sex partners than you previously claimed, but were too embarrassed to admit it before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DWNWRDSPRL Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I think you should come clean with him. My wife and I disclosed our past when we first started dating. That kind of thing, the numbers game, never mattered to me. Being less (in your case, half as many) wouldn't bother me at all. A lot of people would be relieved to hear that it is less rather than more. That matters to some. To others....not so much. The bulimia issue would not bother me either. My wife admitted to dabbling in that when she was younger. It didn't change my opinion of her at all. I made my share of mistakes and can't really cast any stones when it comes to how I acted when younger. I think that it is good that you feel bad about not being forthcoming with him. I am sure that he would appreciate the honesty prior to marriage. I know that it is scary to disclose such personal details. If you told him, how do you think he will react? I highly doubt he would leave you over this. But that is just me and the way that I am wired. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Not to be argumentative but I object to the term 'come clean' being used in the context because it implies that the OP has done something dirty in her past that she should be ashamed of. I am almost sure you don't mean it that way but that is the problem I have with this whole thread - it's as if the OP has done something wrong and I don't think she has. She has done nothing that she needs to confess, or explain, or reassure about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DWNWRDSPRL Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Not to be argumentative but I object to the term 'come clean' being used in the context because it implies that the OP has done something dirty in her past that she should be ashamed of. I am almost sure you don't mean it that way but that is the problem I have with this whole thread - it's as if the OP has done something wrong and I don't think she has. She has done nothing that she needs to confess, or explain, or reassure about. Oh of course not. But for me, had I not been completely honest about such a thing, I would not feel right about it either. And by saying "come clean" I would be saying such to "clean up" the lie I told. The lie being the tainted part of it....not the past history. The past is the past. It's neither dirty nor clean. It's the past. But that is me, some won't have a moral issue with being deceptive. Point taken on my end. And absolutely no offense intended to the OP. Regards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I don't think you meant any offence - the OP used the term herself. As to the lie - well, yeah, it was a lie but in the greater scheme of things it's probably best to let that one go. Deceptive is not how I would describe this particular issue - "economical with the actualité" is more like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DWNWRDSPRL Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I'll respectfully disagree without entering into distracting banter and instead, offer an example. My wife lied about something relatively innoculous that happened when we were engaged. It was minor but I caught her in it years later. Had she told me the truth at the time, or at the very least, corrected the situation years prior, it would not have been the issue it grew into when the deception was discovered. Now, while my trust wasn't shattered, it was chipped to a degree. Made me wonder what else she had lied about over the years. I guess it will be up to the OP as to what course she takes. To me, it sounds as if the issue is bothering her. I would suggest that she either rectify the situation or learn to accept what she did and deal with it rather than dwell on it for years on end. I would appreciate the truth in his shoes so that I can forgive and go on with their lives. I would also appreciate the respect that it would show towards the relationship and to one another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonnet Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I would tell him, if it's bothering you - like others have said. I have done similar, and it brought us closer. However I have also learned the hard way that sometimes honesty is not the best, when it's something more damaging than what you've mentioned - there are certain poor decisions I have made in the past which no longer define me, and part of their omission is ignoring them to every degree that I can. For now anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Everyone lies sometimes. You ask for a standard no one could rightfully maintain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outshined Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 If I was your fiance......read my signature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 I think it really comes down to what kind of guy your SO is. There seems to be two types coming accross in this thread 1) Those who would want to know, don't want any secrets in a relationship and would feel hurt and angry if they found out years later that something was kept from them. 2) Those who don't want to know, who feel its better to let sleeping dogs lie. Op, you are the only one here who knows you SO and what kind of guy he is. Do what feel right for you and your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 I think you should let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think you should feel obliged to share this information with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Namuroise24 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Hi everyone, Thanks so much for your thoughts - I really appreciate it. I think Moontiger hit it on the nail when she said that I really needed to think about what type of guy my fiancé is. In the end, I decided that he was probably the type that wanted to know since we both value being able to talk about anything. I know people have different feelings towards sharing their past, but i personally felt guilty for not revealing all of it. Well, we had a good talk last night and I told him about both things. He didn't get angry or upset - he just held me and told me that he loved me. He didn't grill me for details either. All he said was that he's really happy with us now and that to please let him know if I start struggling with things again. I'm a really lucky girl. Thanks again, everyone! I think I Just needed a little push to help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Glad to hear everything worked out! Congrats on getting married btw! I wish you every happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DWNWRDSPRL Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 He sounds like he is going to make a fine husband. Understanding, caring, compassionate..... and the issue that was bothering you is out there, dealt with, and in the past as well. I applaud you for doing something that, while scary, was what your heart led you to do. I hope that you have found inner peace and wish the both of you the best. Regards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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