Gaia Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I have been in a relationship for over two years, and it is a relationship that is semi long distance, so we are not able to see each other all of the time. When there is an event in my boyfriend's city and he is already there, and I am in my hometown, he goes alone, and I am not bothered by this. It does hurt me though when he is visiting with me, and leaves in the middle of our time together to go to an event without me. His ex being at the event is the reason that I am not included. He is afraid of her acting up, and because they share some mutual friends, he is worried about losing their friendship. We are not married or engaged, but plan to be, and my feeling is that he is going to have to deal with friends and his ex at some point, but he always has an excuse of being busy, stressed and not able to deal with the potential fallout. I feel like he is hiding me, and that he is expecting me to behave like a mistress instead of a partner. Am I wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 No, you're not wrong. My ex did this to me to. He said he knew she didnt want me there. I refuse to be second best.....hence he's my ex now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaia Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 No, you're not wrong. My ex did this to me to. He said he knew she didnt want me there. I refuse to be second best.....hence he's my ex now Thank you for sharing your experience. It hurts every time it happens, and it does not make me feel like this is a person who has my back. Why should someone you have ended your relationship have any role in dictating the new relationship? As far as the friends go, I have met some, and they have all like me, so these potential friends who would not even give me a chance, can they even be really called friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I can see why he would just pick up and go if he was already in his hometown. If youa re semi LDR he shouldn't have to sit in the house just because you are not there. But I do take issue with him leaving during "your time." He either truly doesn't want to rock the boat or wants to keep his options open. What if you called his bluff and the next time he has an event, show up if its a public place, like at a bar? Or tell him that you are sure you can handle his ex. There won't be drama on your end. I can see wanting to hang with just your pals sometimes but this is a little rediculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jnn Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Girl you need to step up your game. Don't let him tell you where you can or not go. If his ex is there more reason for your butt to be there too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Yes it hurts. To me....it says they have unfinished business. We just broke up last Sunday, really painful still. You need to have a serious talk with him. I wish you luck where I had none Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMP2CPM Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 OK, here's a guy's perspective. That's odd. I mean, I would want to show off my new relationship to everyone I know. There's only 2 reasons I could see why he would hide you from her: 1) He's embarrassed by you or he feels like you're a downgrade from her or 2) He's still intimate with her( emotionally or physically or both) and you two meeting would be awkward. Either scenario totally sucks. You may want to consider cutting him loose and finding someone new. Honestly, he's kind of walking all over you here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TidalWave Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 OK, here's a guy's perspective. That's odd. I mean, I would want to show off my new relationship to everyone I know. There's only 2 reasons I could see why he would hide you from her: 1) He's embarrassed by you or he feels like you're a downgrade from her or 2) He's still intimate with her( emotionally or physically or both) and you two meeting would be awkward. Either scenario totally sucks. You may want to consider cutting him loose and finding someone new. Honestly, he's kind of walking all over you here. I second that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaia Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 Exactly, I have no problem with him doing things without me, nor do I have a problem with him attending an event alone if I am not around. It bothers me that he will depart on our time, and not invite me. So, you are correct it is not about someone wishing to be around their friends, but not being excluded on our time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaia Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 Yes, you are right, and it hurts to have the past keep bumping up in our present. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaia Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 Oh, gosh, I am sorry. It does hurt, to give over and devote yourself to someone, and not feel that they care enough to understand you and your feelings. Already, up all night, feeling horrible, getting ill over this. These days were supposed to be behind us, and to find out that they really are not is just horrible. Going to try to talk about it today. I hope that his head and heart can be more open, but a part of me so wished that he could see my pain and just compromise i some way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaia Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 Thank you for supplying the male perspective. If I had to guess, I would say that he is still caught up in the emotional battery that was their manner of relating to one another. He worries more about incurring her wrath, than it being a case of me being a lesser person as you suggested in scenario one. Correct you are though, it does not feel good at all. I would like to hope that we had moved towards a future where it was not about leaving and hiding any longer. That is what probably pains the most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reconciliation Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 He is hiding something and doing his best to control things (keeping you and his ex apart) so that nothing comes out. Have you ever met his ex? I recommend you tell him that you want to be introduced to her or you'll do it yourself. I know that it hurts. My boyfriend hid me from everyone and I was too naive to realize he was still in a relationship with his "ex" for most of the time we were together. Maybe you are or were the other woman and his relationship with you overlapped with his relationship with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Thank you for supplying the male perspective. If I had to guess, I would say that he is still caught up in the emotional battery that was their manner of relating to one another. He worries more about incurring her wrath, than it being a case of me being a lesser person as you suggested in scenario one. Correct you are though, it does not feel good at all. I would like to hope that we had moved towards a future where it was not about leaving and hiding any longer. That is what probably pains the most. Does he depend on her for employment (can she fire him?). If not, then the wrath is either imagined or be codependently feels responsible for her feelings. Honestly, I wouldn't put up with it at this point. I would just say "what are we doing saturday night." and he says "I am going to ___(event)." You say "oh great, i'll wear my red dress/black jeans/whatever is dressy date night stuff. What time are you coming to get me?" Or just make sure that you plan something during your time with him rather than just "hanging out" and "seeing where it goes". If you want to be more aggressive, just simply ask where it is at and then SHOW UP. Wait until he leaves and then go there too after a little while. But maybe that's too much drama. But I would really consider just saying to him that you are tired of him putting his ex girlfriend's feelings first and that its over or that if he chooses to exclude you, don't plan on coming back to sleep with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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