Intelligent, alone and depressed

[Existential]

My problem is probably not unique but I haven't seen a lot of other people describing this issue. I joined here because this bunch on this forum looks pretty friendly. I am pretty depressed.

 

I'm not going to sugar coat the issue. This issue will make me look pompous or self-involved. Believe me when I say that around other people I'm a very friendly humble guy with a sense of humor. But to analyze this predicament, it wouldn't be advantageous to leave out emotional honesty in an effort to gain a false light of humility. The facts are as follows:

 

I'm intelligent and typically don't connect with people because I have a hard time being stimulated without some sort of intelligent discussion. I enjoy discussion on concepts involving philosophy, but believe philosophy is a dead topic, and science takes over where philosophy once reigned.. (but this is another topic altogether!)

 

My issue has many problems:

1. I don't connect with people because they don't understand me, my thought process, or why I act a certain way. I do make quite an effort to communicate what my thought process is on most things, but, alas, most people are so stuck in their ways that they don't even value the purpose of critical thought, let alone attempt it themselves. I typically cannot get people to put aside their preconceived notions long enough to accept my presuppositions.

 

2. I have slowly cut ties with each and every person in my life. Eventually, every relationship I have comes to an end because of an immovable obstacle for which I am unwilling to bend. I'm not saying I'm not forgiving, and I'm not saying I'm always right. What I am saying is that when people cross me in such a way that I cannot let go of the deed that took place, and they do not seek forgiveness, I find the only emotionally healthy way to deal with these situations is to cut the toxic person from my life. I'm not talking about simple little things. I'm talking about really big problems, but I won't go into great detail here. In the end, people care about themselves, and this selfish behavior only serves to drag me down. When somebody won't change for you, you've got to learn to change yourself (cut ties).

 

3. I do not have much exposure to new friends. I simply don't have a lot of opportunities to meet new people. I'm not rude. I'm quite outgoing and friendly. I can usually get people to like me very quickly. But I do not have many opportunities to do this, and I have failed miserably at the common spots to do so, such as coffee houses, bars, and even local groups (local business owners group).

 

Even if I gain access to a steady stream of new people, the buzz of new people wears off, leaves me feeling used and empty, and I still do not connect with people. I find myself analyzing the people I meet, learning how they think and what makes them tick, and I find it easy to exploit the person to get them to like me. But there is no honesty here. I do not truly respect these people, and they do not stimulate me on any deep level.

 

Any time I speak with anybody about getting advice on this problem immediately points to how candid I am with my predicament, and immediately assumes that because I do not follow age-old adages about humility and intelligence, people must not like me, or that I'm doing something wrong. (such as, I’m lacking humility, or that if everybody else disagrees with me, then maybe it’s not them, it’s me. Both are examples of adages with no practical value. These only serve to short circuit critical thought- I call them thought terminating clichés)

 

I've analyzed my experiences over and over, and I do not think this is the case, at least not entirely. While there are clearly things I could've done differently to get different results, I doubt the majority of critical errors were my own. Just because I'm in this predicament does not mean it is of my own doing.

 

I’m alone, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. People make obvious recommendations like find a hobby. I am a business owner and the COO of a national franchising system. I enjoy what I do, and make quite a bit of money doing so. I also write music, though I’m commercially less successful, I am very happy with my results nonetheless.

 

The only thing missing from my life is connection with people. Real live people. I just haven’t got one.

 

This really came to a head when my girlfriend of 4 years and I broke up a few weeks back. She understood me better than anyone so far (albeit, not perfectly, but she was darn close). She accepted me for who I am. She loved me I think. We had a good relationship.

 

Well recently she’s taken a lot of my thought process into account and told me she wanted to go live life now, and needs to see who she is without my influence. I can’t even imagine what that means, but I’m not one to push once the writing is on the wall. I tried giving her space, telling her I was happy to let her experiment with life. Why break a connection as deep as ours, when true love is accepting? I told her whatever she needed to do, she could do it, and I’d love her nonetheless. But what she really wanted was away from me. The writing was on the wall, so I stepped aside.

 

So here I am. Alone. On the internet, asking strangers to listen to me. It’s nice to vent, but more, I want to find somebody who can connect with this particular problem.

[rocio]

Why does it matter whose fault it is? All that matters is that:

 

1. You are the one negatively impacted

2. You have the power to alter the situation

 

Given the two points above, what do you gain by laying blame or avoiding responsibility?

[EmmaMaria]

I think i could connect, here's my brief story:

for the last 4 years iv been know in school as the geek

I had no social life at all

I couldnt stand up for myself i could only ignore things even if they were said to my face

All i did was stay in at home and play computers or study

I had problems with the opposite sex because i thought not in a million years a guy would be interested in me

I was extremely shy, i wouldnt say i thing and i was bad to have a conversation with because it would never last long

if i had an opinion or somthing to say i would never do it

i let ppl walk all over me

I had no taste in clothes and never bothered with make-up

 

I cant think of much more but things are different now

I really had to push myself to change some small things

I went to a disco and im not proud of this but it changed the person i am. i got extremely drunk, kissed many guys there

few months later i had a boyfriend but u could read my last posts it didnt go well he ended up using me

but on the bright side im a well respected person, have an amazing social life, there are many guys texting me with interest in me and im not shy with them

my grades are still up but im not considered a nerd or geek or anything

i try my best to be well dressed with make-up done

 

Well i think the answer was a disco/nightclub get talking to ppl and really push yourself its amazing how things can change in an instant

[Existential]

I'm pointing out that the typical advice is your #2, while my entire post is that I simply cannot think of any more factors to change. What should I do? Hit myself with a brick until I get along with people?

 

There's no blame here, and no avoiding responsibility.

 

Instead, I pointed this out to show that the first thing people will do is point at me and wonder what it is I've done. I'm looking for practical advise. I've already been through the "change yourself" rigmarole.

[annie24]

have you tried meeting people at events focused on your interests (ie, science meetings, universities, book clubs?) i'm a scientist myself, but sometimes when i come home, i don't want to talk more science, i just want to watch TV and relax and think about other things.

[Existential]

annie, thanks for the advice. I've joined a local business group. I'm afraid that's the only one in my area even closely related to my interests. Not a lot of variety around here..

[annie24]

have you tried link removed? you can always try starting up your own group. for example, it could be a weekly 'current events' discussion group at a coffee shop? or something of the sort. pick a topic. try book clubs. form one. i don't know where you live, but surely there are more people who have similar interests.

[bulletproof]

Dedicate all of your free time to serving others. Volunteer every free moment you have.

 

Have you been in any kind of therapy at all? The bottom line is that if you are depressed and if you don't feel that you connect with others, there is something fundamentally wrong, despite the fact that we all feel like that some of the time.

 

I think the reason you will hear the same advice over and over is because there is some grain of truth in it. I also wonder if you are mistaking "critical thought" for negative thought.

[resilient7]

Perhaps you comme off as being to pretentious,notsaying you are.but peopoe might get that vibe from you.not initially of course

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry about your GF. If it's any comfort, I think most people can relate to a lot of your feelings and perceptions, especially so soon after a breakup. Sure, your way of expressing your discomfort is intellectual while many of just fall into an emotional stew that sounds like "Whaaaa!" It's all angst, no matter how you slice it up. It can feel isolating and freakish, but I'd put money on it being more universal than anyone who's in the throes of it would guess.

 

When I'm feeling lonely and disconnected I'm more likely to think in terms of 'always' and 'never,' because the very nature of such a state 'feels' like it's always been so and will never be any different, and it's easy for my faulty memory and lapse in optimism to wipe out all evidence to the contrary.

 

Very few people can look up from a breakup and notice that their social life is stellar. Given the case, chances are high that for quite some time they've wrapped themselves and their lover up in a protective cocoon. They've allowed the rest of the world to drop away--and then they're surprised when lover needs to exit that scene or suffocate. This is when we're left with a not so welcome face-off with the Self.

 

In my book, we're all a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given time--and nobody's got it down. There's always someone who knows more or does better in certain areas, but nobody owns more intrinsic value than anybody else. When I remember this, I'm less likely to become bored with people and more inclined to be amazed by them. There isn't a soul who doesn't have something to teach me. It's up to me whether I'm open to the learning, or not.

 

In your corner.

[Existential]

Thanks, Annie, that's where I found the business group!

 

And thanks catfeeder- I see what you mean. I do tend to apply what I've learned in very always or never terms. I guess I see it as the trend my life has taken for the past few years. It just never bothered me because I was in love with a girl. Now that she's gone, I feel like it's far more pointless.

 

As far as being pretentious, I'm just going to assume, resilient, that you didn't read my disclaimer. I'm posting my true feelings without covering them up with a veil of "humility" as if it were necessary. As I mentioned, I can get people to like me without any issues at all, so it's not like people avoid my "pretentious behavior". I don't connect with anyone. I have to fake it.

[dancingfeet]

Existential your post intrigues me and forgive me if i've understood, this connection with people, your ideas and feelings in your eyes don't fit into others and so you try and try and it gets to a point when there are no other options but to cut ties?

 

Its great you have music in your life, I have it too and there have been many many times when its the only place i can go too, be truly myself, it may be sad in other peoples eyes but its the only way i know how to truly communicate and i can say, look people this is me, really me, i've written that, i sing and play that and for a few moments i don't have to try, its all a little ironic considering, but do you play with other musicians or just write for your own amusement. I write stuff for myself, but over the years, i've met friends through doing music, i've found from my own experience that other artists or creative-types tend to be more open and accepting, i should know, i'm a difficult creature at the best of times, different to you in that my thinking is very much emotionally-based, shy yet inwardly confident..a bit of a contradiction really and it confuses people. People tend to put eachother in boxes to make the world safe i suppose, we've forgotten to take a look outside of it and we are all guilty of it!

 

I could be all wrong here, but i think this could be your opportunity, yes you are alone, but you have the wealth and freedom to discover the world out there and your girlfriend?.....time has the answer to that one : ))

[Applewhite]

I would love to read examples for 1) and 2) in the original post! I think we can all be more helpful with some detail. It will give us a more accurate picture.

[Existential]

thanks for your encouragement, dancingfeet. That's what happens. Eventually we come to an impasse, and the only way to move forward is to cut ties. Often it's because they've become toxic - have influence over my feelings and tend not to be trust worthy.

 

hike, here are a few examples:

1. I don't connect with people because they don't understand me, my thought process, or why I act a certain way. I do make quite an effort to communicate what my thought process is on most things, but, alas, most people are so stuck in their ways that they don't even value the purpose of critical thought, let alone attempt it themselves. I typically cannot get people to put aside their preconceived notions long enough to accept my presuppositions.

 

I base my life on logic and reason. I often do things that most people consider counter-intuitive. When meeting new people, I don't exactly parade it loud and proud, but my different approach to life often comes up in conversation. I'm writing a book about belief vs hope, so it's very difficult to talk to people and let them know who I am without at some point discussing personal philosophy.

 

Often people will claim a belief in something objectively unjustified, such as having souls, or free will, or any number of indeterminable things. It's not that I become a jerk and argue with them, it's that deep inside, I know that we'll never have a conversation about the deeper workings of the mind or the universe, because people plainly haven't thought through the logical inconsistencies in their own beliefs. I'm not trying to overly scrutinize people, and I'm sure the first thing people tell me is that people should be entitled to their beliefs... but that's the point, if people rather have beliefs that are completely unfounded by objective reality, that's their choice. It just means I'm not going to be connecting with them on any deep level.

 

This also becomes a problem because I've studied psychology in depth (it's a really interesting topic, the black box called the mind!), and I've come to some very honest approaches towards relationships that most people disagree with (people who a licensed therapist would say need therapy!)

 

I can only try to connect so much, before I realize we're just not on the same page. I can't disregard the obvious obliviousness people around me have towards their own actions. Attempting the same thing over and over expecting different results. Unable to deal with the poor relationships with their parents/family/friends. These are people who have issues, but do not attempt to fix them in an emotionally honest way. Nor do they seek counseling. What I do realize, early on, is that they would not handle bumps in the road later on if we entered a relationship. Emotionally dishonest people are easy to spot, and I just don't connect with them.

 

Yes, I realize this makes me seem overly judgmental or over-critical. I'm not looking for someone who's perfect. I know I'm not. I'm looking for somebody who values this sort of personal integrity, and dedicates themselves to truth over fantasy. We all have places to work on in our own lives. But the people I meet, they're not even on step one. They're just on the side lines watching for the invisible pink unicorn.

 

2. I have slowly cut ties with each and every person in my life. Eventually, every relationship I have comes to an end because of an immovable obstacle for which I am unwilling to bend. I'm not saying I'm not forgiving, and I'm not saying I'm always right. What I am saying is that when people cross me in such a way that I cannot let go of the deed that took place, and they do not seek forgiveness, I find the only emotionally healthy way to deal with these situations is to cut the toxic person from my life. I'm not talking about simple little things. I'm talking about really big problems, but I won't go into great detail here. In the end, people care about themselves, and this selfish behavior only serves to drag me down. When somebody won't change for you, you've got to learn to change yourself (cut ties).

 

Some examples are the following:

I got a new roommate a few years back, and my best friend and I got to know my new roommate pretty well. We were on pretty good terms for a while, but I suspect my roommate felt shadowed by me (or otherwise jealous of something). Either way, he launched a rather passive aggressive campaign against me. Really quite brilliant.

 

He would stop paying bills on time and start messing up rooms he knew I had just cleaned. He was great at getting on my nerves. But after I talked to him a few times politely, I started to notice it wasn't just a pattern, he waited till I cleaned before messing up each room. He was trying to get to me. And what's worse is that my best friend at the time was my only way to vent at the time. I told my best friend it was really starting to bug me, and I didn't understand what this guy's problem was.

 

Except at this point, my roommate had launched a counter campaign against me to my best friend. Acting like such an innocent victim the entire time. If I'd approach my roommate about it, giving it the emotion it deserved (frustration and a fair amount of anger), he's act so innocent. "Oh I'm really sorry, I didn't even think about it. Here, don't worry, I'll clean up tomorrow. I promise."

 

He looked like such an angel, that it just made me look bitter and unjustified. I knew full well he wasn't going to clean tomorrow or any day. I knew he wasn't going to pay the electric bill. Eventually I asked him to leave, and my best friend got unreasonably angry with me for treating my room mate that way.

 

I told my best friend (of 7 years) that we couldn't be friends if he wouldn't trust me and have my back. But by this point, my friend had changed so much, it didn't matter. He was a different person. My roommate left, and I haven't seen either of them since.

 

If he apologized, I'd consider this. But the problem is, he hasn't. Nor does he plan to. He still thinks I was being unreasonable.

 

Little things like that add up over time, and as much as people say "just bury the hatchet" I disagree. This is somebody who demonstrated that when the going gets tough, he's going to get going. I consider him a toxic person in my life who will only let me down and will not treat me with the same respect that I give my friends.

 

A lot of people would sweep that under the rug and pretend nothing happened- but I'm not emotionally dishonest. This would cause me stress, knowing the issue was not resolved. I made one attempt to clear the air, I wrote him a 5 page letter detailing my feelings, to which he simply did not respond.

 

Now multiply this sort of example towards every person I've cut along the way. I feel justified. Perhaps, I'm lonely, but I'd take lonely any day than the low quality bastards that called themselves friends/girlfriends.

[MagzO]

You're not alone. There's a lot of us who feel that way. I can understand you perfectly, since I recently went through the same experience. I'll like to say it gets better, but I have yet to find that out. At least, that's what everyone tells me: Things will get better.

 

I tend to push people away when they cross me too, but I had the best advice I could find for it from my mother. She said "You can't expect others to be like you. You give as much as you want and receive as much as they want." I think that the problem. You give yourself into relationships, may that be romantic or platonic, and you expect to get the same. The problem is not many people know how to do that, and it actually scares them. It's both a blessing and a curse. You shouldn't feel bad for it. It does get lonely, though. One day you look around and realize you have no one to talk to, may that be deep conversations or silly small talk.

 

I wish I had a helpful advice, but I lack them for my own situation. I just can wish you good luck and hope things change for you soon enough. Then again, you could take this time away from this person to find yourself too. As I said I just went through a similar experience, and I can tell you I don't want to be a burden to the person I loved.

[Existential]

Thanks MagzO, it's very true. I did find myself alone one day. It crept up on me, but it happened.

 

I always remember that in relationships, it's not that they care about you, it's that they care about how they feel around you. Relationships are inherently selfish. I suppose I'm no exception, though I make an effort to give as much as I expect to take. But like you said, people just don't even know how to do that. It's like I live under the false impression that chick flicks are real life... I thought that level of expectation was universal. But it really isn't.

[Existential]

And then it takes a morning like today where I wake up and remember just how alone I am. I thought I heard foot steps, the same kind my ex girlfriend made, but when I woke it was nothing. And she left me, in the most cold callous way, and I can only wonder how long she felt that way, and how she could transform over night.

[MagzO]

We all have moments of weakness. It's okay to remember, to feel nostalgic and even to cry about it, but it's also important to remember that you want more than that. You want more than her, and you also deserve more. You deserve someone who's there for you, emotionally available and gives herself to you as you give yourself to her.

[Existential]

at what point is this stewing and not grieving?

[John Cage]

Who is intelligent? Is it someone who's above the mean, but only slightly (>50% of the population)? I keep hearing these "intelligent people" who could not connect with others socially but really wants to... I find that very difficult to believe.

 

Intelligence is a positive attribute; thus it will NEVER hinder you if you manage it properly. It's like someone claiming that being too rich or too beautiful has its draw-back (It's not possible as someone rich or beautiful can always "forgo" his/her advantages and be poor/ugly at will but the vice versa rarely holds true).

 

Let's have a step by step logical analysis of what you need to do...

 

1) Do you truly want companionship with person A.

2) Is your "intelligence" making you unable to connect with person A?

3) Do you truly want to connect with person A.

4) If so, then simply stop acting or thinking "intelligently" and imitate or fake an "average person" 's thought process.

 

If I need to pretend to like beer to gain a certain advantage and/or achieve certain things, I will. You just have to be pragmatic about things... A truly intelligent person can achieve anything that a less intelligent person can (all else being equal, of course).

 

The true sign of an intellectual is not to be able to think of A when others think of B; the true sign of an intellectual is to able to think of everything others can think of AND more. Someone who thinks differently is not necessary more intelligent; however someone who can think and understand everything (or relatively more than others) is truly intelligent.

 

One example is that I have almost zero artistic "talent" so to speak, but I can easy fake it by analyzing who "triggers" people believe that a certain book/painting is artistic. I can write a "seemingly deep" and powerful short story without having the emotional feeling behind it. This is the kind of things that helped me make friends even though most of them do not "connect" with me in reality.

 

The only question you need to ask yourself is... Do I really want someone as a friend? If you do, there are a million ways of doing it. I hate to use this word but "manipulation" comes close to what I am suggesting. It's not really manipulation because in a sense, you are just being who you are to attract friends (smart and adaptable).

[Existential]

Yeah, John I'll be honest. Faking it is another way of saying "not connecting."

 

Of course I can get people to like me. I just don't like them.

[itsallgrand]

What happened with your ex gf?

 

You remind me of someone. Someone I loved a lot, and was very serious about. He was, is, very intellectual and logical and reasonable. I loved that about him; he brought perspectives and calm reasoning to a lot of aspects of life that I have struggled with.

 

There were a lot of times where I felt he did not care about me, however. Even years after we were no longer together, he had trouble simply saying that I had meant a lot to him. More often than not, his logical and reasonable priorities were a balm to me. But sometimes, it just felt cold. Sometimes, it just felt like it was hard to get really close to him.

 

Do you think this may be somewhat like you?

 

Does logic trump compassion? Always?

 

In the relationship that I am drawing off of in thinking about your situation, I think about how my compassion (sometimes without any logic or reason) and his logic (sometimes without seemingly compassion) often balanced each other and somehow in a weird way brought a deep sort of understanding between us (and also a deep lack of understanding). There is no paradox in that. We both needed some more maturity and balance in our selves before getting to where we are now (not together, but better each as individuals for sure).

 

Are you making a god of logic and intellect. ? I'm not suggesting you turn to places where you see others walking that you find foolish. I am suggesting maybe you are at an impasse yourself - of your mind and your heart. Go ahead and think I am simplistic and corny; but all of us have to face where logic and reason leave off and people's 'faith' kicks in. I'm not a religious or superstitious sort of person, I'm not a scientist, I am simply someone who has been at that spot in life enough times where life sort of looks at you and asks you "ok now what, there is no pat answer here, there is stupidity and awfulness and where are you gonna go?". Not everything can be solved by the American virtues of entrepreneurship and by golly, competition and hard work. Some things are not to be solved or possibly, understood. Doesn't mean you have to turn to mysticism or to hard feelings to humanity for their so-called weakness.

 

It's why we have compassion. You don't even have to be humble to have it. It's a buffer so you do not go nuts. It's not just for others. It lets others in and let's you start to understand them even when they don't understand you or you can't stand what they are doing or thinking.

 

I'm not trying to lecture or even convince you. I'm just sharing that I have found compassion to be a very practical and wonderful way to cope to situations that sometimes feels unsolvable, unbearable.

 

Soften your heart. Ease some suffering for somebody, even if it's only momentarily and it doesn't solve the bigger problem. Give it a try. It's hard to like someone if you feel like they are somehow different than you, and we all are at the end sharing suffering.

[Existential]

itsallgrand, thanks for your reply.

 

I do let logic and reason run my decision making processes, but I'm not without empathy. I told her regularly that she meant a great deal to me and that I loved her. She once asked what love meant, and I replied "it means that no matter what happens in life, what ever turns it may take, I want to be with you when it happens."

 

Well she seemed ok with it, until one day she gave me the cold shoulder. Had to figure things out for herself she said. I am bearing, but not overbearing.

[velvette]

have you thought about joining mensa? I'm lacking sleep at the moment so I haven't thoroughly read this thread, but from the gist of it I get you are too logical for your own good. that other people's shortcomings are unacceptable, that you can't seem to find a person similar enough to understand you. when really, it's not your over-intelligence that hinders you (in most cases), but your inability to accept others for who they are. perhaps if you joined mensa and hung about like-minded people, you'd see intelligence isn't all that important after all (or maybe it is, either way win/win!)

 

I've been tested by a child psychologist and was selected to be part of a 'gifted' program, which means I have an IQ of at least the 98th percentile. all my classmates were also similar-minded. and yet they were as varied as can be, even a couple with religious beliefs (when logically, of course religion makes no sense). while it was easier to talk to them about 'intellectual matters', did it make them more likable as people? not at all. just because they 'got' me and were just as smart or smarter, did not make them easier to befriend.

 

I really enjoy how varied the world is, how everyone has a different opinion. I like all sorts of people. my best friend is of average intelligence, and it really makes no difference in our day to day life. my own boyfriend admits he finds me smarter than himself, but we have no trouble being equals. he still gets me, perhaps better than I 'get' myself! ok, yes, intelligence matters to some degree. but after a certain point, it's not about the intelligence or lack thereof, but rather understanding and acceptance. people will be different from you. they just will. try and let yourself appreciate others for who they are as individuals, rather than how closely they can relate to you. maybe you'll be surprised. after all (well, I'm not sure if you're an animal person, but I am myself!), we can get enjoyment from dogs and other 'intellectually inferior' creatures, so really.

 

I'll definitely come back and actually read the rest of your thread, but I just wanted to say that first.

[Existential]

I mean, obviously she disagrees with me or we wouldn't have broken up. We clearly had different expectations of each other. What bothers me is her lack of communication on the subject. She just went cold one day. (it was a toggle switch, it really was). If she has any legitimate issue with me that caused her to want to move on, she failed to attempt to communicate with me on it first. And for that, I resent her. She took the cowards way out and made a decision for the both of us without giving us a real shot. In my opinion, that's failure in the sense of love. I'm only happy I never married her, since she has the capacity to do this.

 

I mean, what, suddenly things don't feel the same way? So let's break up? People don't understand love is not just a feeling but a commitment. Don't tell me you love me, I don't * * * * ing believe it.