Pirandello Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 guys i see what you are saying, but why would you want to write to a woman that rejected you and probably insulted you ? NC is the way to go. Wait till she contacts you first, eventually she will, nobody can just turn off their feelings for you and forget you ever existed, eventually she will have moments where she will remember you and want to know what happened to you. if she calls, then you let the conversation flow, see if she is trying to reconcile, if not, then tell her whatever you needed to tell her and get it off your chest. Plus NC protects you from getting hurt further. If she knows she can have you anytime, she won't want you at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pirandello Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 sorry i thought my first post didnt go through! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 True Pirandello, but that's assuming she had bad intentions. For me it is 50/50 chance. The last message I sent to her was 10 days ago and was reconsilatory but was full of emotions and was more of a goodbye my love goodbye letter. She kept silent and I didn't hear from her since then. She is still a runner at this stage. This new letter that I prepared is different. More rational and scientific. I am not asking her to come back but inviting her to learn from this experience supporting my view with some theories that I learned here. I am telling her look, you have been failing relationships for the past 22 years and the evidence is you are not in a lasting relationship now.. Just look deeper and try to make a U turn before it is too late. If you think such letter is useless, would it do more damage if I send than if do not send it? I really need support before sending the letter... I could wait one more week before sending it but not much later, I should keep her checking her emails before she gives up trying. She is the type who keeps looking for constant attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Oh, big mistake. You don't realize how transparent this is until you do it. You're manipulating again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 Oh, big mistake. You don't realize how transparent this is until you do it. You're manipulating again. CF, I know you warned me of using manipulation techniques before. but do you think this time the manipulation is in the text, the context or the concept of sending one more letter? the actual letter doesn't really sound as manipulative as it sounds here... this is just a summary of the context of the letter. I have been reading the thread "it can happen if you really put your act together" by jasper and the concept of mirroring and validating etc..... thats where I got the idea of the letter. I just needed to correct some previous misunderstandings with her then leave her alone. As mentioned before i just wanted to dot the i's and cross the t's.. your perspective is very important is this matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 CF, I know you warned me of using manipulation techniques before. but do you think this time the manipulation is in the text, the context or the concept of sending one more letter? the actual letter doesn't really sound as manipulative as it sounds here... this is just a summary of the context of the letter. I have been reading the thread "it can happen if you really put your act together" by jasper and the concept of mirroring and validating etc..... thats where I got the idea of the letter. I just needed to correct some previous misunderstandings with her then leave her alone. As mentioned before i just wanted to dot the i's and cross the t's.. your perspective is very important is this matter. Trust that any woman you would be interested in would not appreciate being treated as a social equivalent of Eliza Doolittle in a letter or in any other form, and your agenda would be crystal clear. If you don't believe that your disingenuous plot hasn't been tried and regretted a bazillion times before, start reading these boards a bit more. The time to recognize that such an attempt would be cringeworthy is when the discomfort is preventative rather than an additional layer of humiliation to the lesson you've failed to learn before. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 Trust that any woman you would be interested in would not appreciate being treated as a social equivalent of Eliza Doolittle in a letter or in any other form, and your agenda would be crystal clear. If you don't believe that your disingenuous plot hasn't been tried and regretted a bazillion times before, start reading these boards a bit more. The time to recognize that such an attempt would be cringeworthy is when the discomfort is preventative rather than an additional layer of humiliation to the lesson you've failed to learn before. Head high. Point taken. 'you will never get love by chasing a lizard' It is unfortunate though that we have to kill the impluse of every bit of emotion towards the person that we care for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Many people here find it helpful to look at their grief in terms of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' five stages, which grievers cycle into and out of in no particular order, and they get mixed together a lot. What you're attempting here is 'bargaining,' and the problem with it is how it can be used to trick yourself--and nobody else. In the throes of it people don't recognize exactly how transparent they are. They invent all kinds of rationale to get themselves into trouble, only to look back and beat themselves up for the embarrassing ways they behaved--especially when trying to use expert theories and principles to 'enlighten' their ex. Think carefully. Work past this impulse in the privacy of your own mind, and hold your head up. Thank yourself for dodging a bullet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beautifulangel Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Yes, what you saying makes complete sense. It was only five months so the attachement levels were still not that strong. In my case it was 2 1/2 years. After such a long time, when i fell on bad times my babe started realizing that I am not the man he wants to spend her life with. So yes feel good it has happened now at such a short time into your relationship. It's been about a year for me now and I am still healing man. I am much much better now, but the time post break up was like going through hell... Have heart, you will come out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 thanks CF for dodging my bullet. It was only five months so the attachement levels were still not that strong. . thanks BA, well yeah, but the first 5 months are the best part of any relationship. We never had single fight. The only serious discussion we had was regarding the marriage arrangement. I am still in shock and disbelief. Not that I cannot get over it, I know I evenually will. But she was so real during those 5 months. The only reason she gave was her mind was saying something and her heart was saying something else and for that she could not take risk. That's why I keep thinking there must be a hidden message in what she said and maybe I should have done something to clear her doubts. Shouldn't I at least ask her that simple logical question once and for all? maybe if i keep silent I will be validating her doubts. Shouldn't I at least ask her 'are we beyond reconciliation?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 It has been 11 day NC. For the sake of relationship science I decided to break the silence. I have compromised my emotional safety and just sent her a letter. I reflected on CF's advice and neutralized the content of the letter. I started by saying I wanted to share my recent understanding of the relationship concept. Also thanked her for the intimate care that she provided me. Ok maybe merely sending a letter is a mistake. But I am fully aware of this and willing to pay the humiliating price. I thought I still have room for learning about relationships. If everyone here is saying this relationship is already over, let it be, then I have nothing else to lose. I am beyond the emotional pain now. I will keep you posted of the outcome. Cheers everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Well, it is the first day after I broke the NC. I considered what had been said before about maintaining the NC. I do not feel good now yet I do not feel any regret. It is something I had to do. My previous letter 12 days ago was emotional. In my new letter I just wanted to let her know that I got over the pain (without mentioning the word pain) > I thanked her for her intimate care which gave me during our connection which changed me to the better. The tone of the letter was more of ' I got myself back together'. I did not ask her for anything. Just briefed her on my recent understanding of the concept of relationships. I explained to her that I understand her walking away was her best solution to get a great relationship (the stuff being told on this forum). OK I may have been transparent to her as CF predicted. But now I know I am ready to move on as I have nothing else left to tell her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Maybe this is just something you had to do for you. We all have those. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pirandello Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 If it made you feel better why not? If it helps you move on, it's a good thing. Maybe you will sleep better at night now. Let us know if she replies to you. I wish i could just write mine a letter and tell her that i miss her and life is not the same without her... But i just can't do it. it's been 5 weeks now, too much time has passed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 You are right doyathink, I had to do it for myself. The bottom line of the message was, ' you walked away, and i will never get love by chasing a lizard'. which means don't expect any more messages from me. i.e. the concept of 'the dumpee dumping back the dumper'. I thought that was the best time for me to say that while I am still living in her memory. Yes Pirnadello there are times when it is too late to say things. Yes life for me is not the same without her too, but I got this feeling only when she left. Which means I was already missing something before she came into my life and it happened that she was the one who triggered this feeling of missing something. So maybe she is not the one I was really missing, and she had to go so I could start looking for the real thing. I do not know, maybe this is the acceptance stage of grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pirandello Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 i am starting to see all the negative things we had in the relationship and accepting that it was a doomed relationship. I also regret that i took her back so easily the first time she left me. I think NC has made me realize a lot of things now. She did not accept my faults and i had to accept her bad attitude. I feel like we are slowly taking back control, i no longer feel like i need her in my life. I am slowly realizing the mental pain she was causing me with her mind games. I also talked with other females during the week end and they all said the same thing, be glad it is over and move on, she did not care much about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pirandello Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 resilient read this it will help you: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 resilient read this it will help you: link removed Thank you Pirandello, That article is great. Actually I started to realize that the failure of the relationship was all my fault. At certain turn around point in our relationship I stopped to be the person who attracted her in the first time. I became negative and withdrawn, as if I kept the burden on her shoulders to make me feel good. So I lost my attraction to her. I know for sure, if I still had that initial attraction to her then the lack of money, job, partying, or anything else would not have mattered, as long as I kept my positive attitude towards life. I guess that is the mistake we commit when we fall. Now I only have one problem. I have to write an apology letter as the article recommends. Because in one of my earlier emails I told her my happiness depends on being with her.. which was pathetic thing on my part to say. The question is how can I go about that? Sending such letter means breaking the NC again. Ok I have made decision to move forward without her but I feel I need to tell her that happiness is my own responsibility and it was mistaken to say otherwise... what do you think? is that yet another trick my brain is playing on me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pirandello Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 i think you should wait a bit. if you send another e-mail too soon your gonna confuse the hell out of her. Be strong and resist the urge. I am on day 35 of NC and i saw her on a dating site imagine. I could have written her an e-mail saying a lot of negative stuff about her, but i didn't. if that is the path she chooses, i will have to live with it. Be happy on your own and one day either our ex or another woman will want to be part of that happiness. Today i decided to let go and stop dwelling on it. It is hard as hell, because i get flashbacks of us together, but i try to block those thoughts with all the arguments and negative stuff i endured with her. The insults and the condescending way she talked to me at times. I know when i start working again, i will be the confident guy i was and get in shape at the gym too. Keep doing NC, it's good for you, every breakup makes you tougher, and eventually you won't repeat the same mistakes. If she wants to date other guys, let her go, let her go see what is out there, maybe she will appreciate you more after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Some ppl here promote NC way more then they should. Ppl do get back together. Usually it means one person has to let their pride down when they're ready, and contact the other person. It is essential to have a few day....couple of weeks to cool down after a break up. But if you want your ex back, NC wont get em. DN, the mod here....helped me get back with my ex husband. I did the things he told me to do, and it worked. He never told me to go NC. Dont listen to the jaded hearts around this place. Give it a shot when you think the time is right. What else do you have to lose? If they dont want you back, dont let it be a set back. So ya tried.....you can say you gave it everything you had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Some ppl here promote NC way more then they should. Ppl do get back together. Usually it means one person has to let their pride down when they're ready, and contact the other person. And that person should be the dumper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 LOL whatever DL. You know you and I dont usually agree on threads...so do your thing, and Ill do mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Sorry, but if someone breaks it off with me I'm not going to chase after them and play silly games. I'm getting on with my life and if they change their mind, they are more than welcome to let me know and I will see how I feel at the time. It's pretty straightforward and empowering, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Sorry, but if someone breaks it off with me I'm not going to chase after them and play silly games. I'm getting on with my life and if they change their mind, they are more than welcome to let me know and I will see how I feel at the time. It's pretty straightforward and empowering, really. Yes, and it seems you have a pretty jaded heart....it shows in your posts. NC is NOT the answer to every break up, but you seem to think it is. Buuuut, like I said. You and I are usually on an opposite point of view....doesnt make either right or wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I consider each and every person's situation before recommending NC, it's just that I haven't found any good reason for someone not to go NC if their ex has TOLD them that they don't want to be with them. I'm not jaded, not at all. I just say things how they are. I'm not going to tell people to keep in touch with someone that has dumped them. It's just desperate. Maybe I hit a nerve with you because if you go NC with your ex then you know they won't come back. It doesn't end well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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