She broke up, will she come back?

[resilient]

We dated for 5 months. I am in late forties, divorced with some baggage. She is single in her late thirties care free lucky go happy person and without baggage. We met online, we live close by, we met in person, we dated, we kissed, we made out, we loved, I loved her madly, she said she loves me madly too.

 

We decided to get married. We did not agree the marriage arrangement obviously for

my financial reasons. She wanted grand wedding party and diamond rings which I could barely afford but would not risk to spend at such stage of my life. She is high maintainance and lives high end lifestyle that I could barely cope with. I am average kind of guy when it comes to lifestyle. But we continued to love.

 

I lost my job, I told her I was afraid to lose her she said I will never lose her. Two months out of job I stressed out, I started to party less, I got withdrawn abit

while searching for new job.

 

We met for the last time. She said she didn't like the character in me how I reacted under stress or when being sick by being withdrawn. She said she could not take risk when her mind says something and her heart says something else. She told me

her decision to break up. She was not willing to consider my point of view or to discuss more. As she was leaving she said I could call her any time as a friend to tell how her things went by workwise.

 

I was devasted. My immediate reaction I told her I prefer not to be in touch with her, next day I started emailing her, not to tell her that I need her back explicitely but to express how deeply I loved her and how deeply I was hurt. I wrote to her I was seeking real answers as it felt like an emotional assassination. I asked her to bear with my pain relief messages until my wound heals.

 

She replied I could be in touch with her as long as I need in any shape or form and that she is also hurt but she did what she thought is right for both of us and she would rather be sorry now than being sorry later.

 

It took me few days and I told her I have recovered (even not truly so) after reading her lectures about what is right and wrong and that what is right for her now is help me recover from the wound that she created. I asked her to forgive my natural human reaction to having lost her and stopped emailing.

Next day I found a job in different place, not told her yet. It has been few days since I stopped emailing her.

 

Will she ever come back?

[dramallama]

Loving someone is being for them in sickness and in health. Perhaps she could have just been using you for the lifestyle you provided, or perhaps she couldn't handle the stress. But if she did come back, what would happen if you lost your job again? She might leave you again. Also why did you feel the need to spend so much money on her when you couldn't afford to? Is it because you knew that if said "no" she would leave?

 

Do not be friends. I know you don't want to lose her, but you will only get hurt. There's someone out there who will stick by you even during the hard times.

[catfeeder]

You were smart to stop emailing her. This isn't something to rush. I'd get set up in the new job and get yourself stabilized there as well as emotionally. From there, you'll be in a better place to use your judgment about whether to contact her or not. If so, I'd keep it casual, just to give her new contact info or whatever--but I wouldn't press to meet. I'd let her do that if she wants to.

 

Congrats on the new job, and head high.

[resilient]

Thank you for your moral support. Your comments and this site helped me alot to see the big issue small. Now looking back, I am sorry I did not act right in the right moment when I was supposed to and what I started to see the wrong signals coming. It seems it is mistake to love someone who is not a saint unconditionally. It breaks the balance which must have been there even before the relationship started. That's why the balance had to get back to where it was.

 

"Happiness can not be pursued, it must ensue" Frankle

[crabman]

Now looking back, I am sorry I did not act right in the right moment when I was supposed to and what I started to see the wrong signals coming.

 

yeah, it can drive you crazy to understand you should have acted differently or should have read the signs better. as long as we get to the point we really understand what went wrong and learn from it we win and the next relationships are getting better and better. take your time and read a lot in here. there is great insights to find. noone ever stops learning..

 

"Happiness can not be pursued, it must ensue" Frankle

 

but if you welcome it it loves coming around..

[sexyjoe]

It appears that the attitudes both of you have towards money are very different. Be glad that this relationship is over. It will never work. She sounds like a gold-digger.

[resilient]

i thought i became wise enough already, but couldn't hold the NC rule. i sent her a stupid email message after 4 days asking her to keep me in her memory as a good guy who loved her dearly. she didn't respond. it really hurts to lose someone suddenly after having spent with her wonderful time and not be able to follow through with communication. few days passed by i thought i have already recovered as i told her before. but now i realize i haven't.

 

Would it be stupid to call her just to say a friendly hello? am i becoming sleazy that way? i know they say " if you find yourself in a hole, stop digging". i know all the wise things but i just can not do it. i can not practice what i preach. do you think i have problem? or am still operating within the sanity zone?

[sentencedtoagony]

Don't call her. Your brain will try to create excuses for reasons to do it. It's like when someone quits any addiction. Brain says "Give me more of that, I need it now!"

 

I've had relapses myself, after a week of not talking, suddenly I have to send a text to her. It doesn't help.

 

No contact, friend. And no expectations. Keep yourself busy. I haven't worked out in years. My job keeps me in decent shape, but I've been spending like 10 min a day working out for 3 weeks and I can see some ripped abs appearing.

 

Do something, even if you are not at all excited about doing it, to occupy your time.

 

Someone told me about trying to figure out how to get her back "Stop beating a dead horse."

 

It seems counter-intuitive to not make yourself known to her, to try to get her back.

 

The chemicals in your brain are just trying to get their "fix"

[resilient]

To be fair to her, not as straight forward as that. She helped alot and tried to be supportive in the beginning. But it seems with losing job for longer than expected period, my stress level went high and I started withdrawing. After all, i thought reducing spending during this period is a kind of responsible act. Whereas she thought her encouraging me to partying and going out frequently is a kind of support that I refused. Partying is her lifestyle and she is well off by herselff anyway. I just could not coup with the situation and she saw in that in me a trait or condition that she did not like. If I get sick, I stay home, she thinks I should go out. Well if you love someone you tend to give him execuses for his behaviour, you do not shoot him as she did. Maybe she did not truly love me but wanted someone to keep up with her the good time. So why would she take the mess?.

Given the above senario, I am trying to figure out if there is possibility of her coming back. I did my bit and demostrated to her how much I cared. Now I am back into NC.

[sentencedtoagony]

Keep it that way. Work on yourself.

[danrs]

Maybe it's not all here, but with what you posted, it seems clear as a bell to me. She said it's okay to stay in contact and you could " could call her any time as a friend to tell how her things went by workwise." She wanted you to go out and party even though your financial future was in question and you needed to spend cautiously.

 

That to me, says it all right there. Be glad it's done now, and not after she sucked your fianances completely dry. At some point you realize you simply cannot provide the type of lifestyle this woman wants. You said it yourself that she is high maintenance. Be glad you've seen her true colors now, and not a year from now.

 

It's only been 5 months. I say that not to belittle the relationship, because I'm going through a rough period now myself after a 4 month relationship. But it is only 4 or 5 months, and that makes recovery easier. Take advantage of that and be glad it was not a year or more. I'm very thankful myself for the relatively short duration of my relationship, because it makes it considerably easier to move on. Not easy, but easier.

 

At our age, date in the manner (financially) you're comfortable with. Don't provide more during your dating than your comfortable with financially. If the women can't deal with that and leave, they're only doing now what they would have done many months or years down the line after you went through your cash reserves and credit card limits trying to provide the kind of dates she wanted, not that you both wanted together.

 

I know it stings a lot, but I'm happy for you that this happened to you now and not later.

[resilient]

Thanks for your support. I went for skydiving today for change, it helped then little but not now. Well, in her last messages she did say she is sorry for giving me promises that she did not keep and asked me to forgive her as she realized how deeply I was hurt. She said it hurts her too. What does that mean? Does anybody believe in such single sided relationships we pay for something irresponsible we did to somebody else in the past? or there is no such connection? or does it mean I lacked balance in both situations?

[danrs]

It may just mean she knows she hurt you, and is trying to ease her guilt. Don't lie to her. You can't forgive her now, and you know it. Don't tell her you do forgive her now. At some point in the future maybe you can, but not now.

 

I don't believe in the whole "karma" thing personally. I do believe "bad people" will continually put themselves in bad situations, and sooner or later it will be a bad situation that will hurt them instead of others. If a bad person changes, and becomes good and acts in a good way, I do not believe that bad, resolved issues in their past come back to haunt them in new issues.

[Luckyy]

It sounds like your overthinking things here. I completely agree with danrs first couple of sentences, it sounds like she is trying to ease her guilt. Ignore that message! (probably to late at my time of responding) If she was genuinly sorry for breaking promises she didn't keep and for hurting you, I think a phone call would of been in order don't you? Times got tough and instead of sticking by you she left, remember that.

 

I wish I could go skydiving!

[Pirandello]

Hi resilient, i once dated a girl like this, after i lost my job she dumped me. Forget her man, move on, she asked me if i wanted to be casual (friends with benefits) 2 months after breakup, that just showed me what kind of a woman she was, shallow and no integrity. Keep your dignity man, she ain't worth it. She is high maintenance and doesn't appreciate the simple things of life. One day she will be old and saggy and lost her beauty and there won't be any more parties or fun. Only then she will realize what she lost. yeah i am cruel, but they were cruel when they dumped us. Be strong and don't have any pity. Remember, true love shows in hard times.

[resilient]

Well, it was my first skydive ever (i was hooked to a person). I was so angry and wanted to let things out. It seems the situation for me was a like skydive in a way that there is a limited time of freefall before you start worrying about openning the parachute. Maybe age wise she is still in the excitement stage of freefall, whereas my mind got focused on the parachute and safety net. Even though she mentioned at one point her biological clock was ticking and thats what brought about the idea of marriage in the first place.

 

She did at one point say during the exchange of messages that followed breakup that after second thought she realized that it would be difficult for us to remain friends because " we have characters that like each other". I do agree with her statement in quotes.

 

I think I will forgive her. I have no choice because if I don't, then I will not be able to let go of the hurt feeling. It takes courage to forgive.

 

I am still keeping the NC holding. My mind tried to trick me to send her photo of my skydive to show her I am back to normal. But I resisted the idea successfully.

 

Ok let us say I should forget about her as everybody suggesting here. The question in my mind remains:

Given your understanding of the dynamics of relationships, does anybody think that she may come back? which is bytheway the question in the title

[crabman]

Given your understanding of the dynamics of relationships, does anybody think that she may come back?

 

Resilient, i´m afraid with all the experiences we all share here nobody is able to answer that question. not even she is. maybe god is. I kind of have a bad connection to him though..

 

I love to say "never say never" but thats not what it´s about. you should expect the worst case and deal with it. all the thinking "will she or will she not" is only hurting you and stoping you from moving on, witch is the most important part of getting back together.

 

If you don´t try that I´m pretty sure there is no chance.

 

 

My mind tried to trick me to send her photo of my skydive to show her I am back to normal. But I resisted the idea successfully.

 

good on you!

[sentencedtoagony]

Times got tough and instead of sticking by you she left, remember that.

 

It's simple, but this is something a lot of people on here should say to themselves over and over, myself included.

[Pirandello]

I will say to you what i say to myself, "If you love her and she loves you as much as you love her, she will make the efforts to come back." Just give her the gift of missing you. disappear without a trace, no contact. Sometimes we think this will push them away further, but surprisingly this will make them think and miss all those nice moments you shared together. Right now she has the power, she decides if you guys get back together or not, but if you do NC and let go of her and focus on yourself and become confident and attractive, this will make her wonder, has he moved on without me? he doesn't call anymore? Did he meet someone else? Why isn't he answering my calls? slowly the tables will turn and she will be trying to get back with you. But if you keep talking to her, she will see that you can be a good friend and won't want anything more than that...and then she will start looking for a new mate. So is up to you my friend. I did NC with one of my ex's for 2 years now, she never called back but at least, i got over her and moved on and healed and i don't know if she is seeing someone or not, so even though she did not call back, i forgot about her and i did not get hurt.

And i never gave her the satisfaction of hearing from me again and last night i blocked her on facebook for good. Sometimes NC will bring them back, sometimes it won't, i hope for you the best result.

If i get a good result this time, i will let you know.

[resilient]

Guys, thank you for your support appreciated. I am still maintaining NC since 5 days and not counting. I do understand from previous discussions that NC is about looking ahead and not looking back. But I would like to share with you part of my last email to her that initiated the NC and would like to know your opinion on whether such clause would increase or decrease the chance of her coming back given that I maintain the NC?

 

" I do not want you to wish me good luck because I do not consider myself lucky having lost you... saying it would only give the word 'luck' bitter meaning to me. I do not want you to wish me happiness, because what is happiness if not being with you? I do not want you to say sorry because it hurts me to make you feel sorry. I do not want you to pray for me because in the end God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. I just want remain in your memory as a good person who loved you dearly."

 

Is that a typical dumpee reaction from me? would it push her farther away or would it leave the door open for her to come back? Would it have been better if I did not send such email?

[catfeeder]

[...] Is that a typical dumpee reaction from me? would it push her farther away or would it leave the door open for her to come back? Would it have been better if I did not send such email?

 

There's nothing you can do if you've already sent it, but it does come off as a bit dramatic and preachy, as though you're getting hauled off to be executed. Look, it's never a good idea to put anything referencing negative stuff into an email or on paper, because it outlasts bad feelings. If it gets re-read all the old misery comes pouring back.

 

I'd just put a clamp on it and focus on moving ahead to demo how well I can regain my dignity and live well.

 

You can do this.

[resilient]

Yes that was part of my last message before NC. I agree it is too dramatic but that's how I exactly felt and I wrote it in the heat of the moment. Now that i feel better, it is amazing how time heals wounds. I guess looking back, having sent such message, makes me more determined to continue NC till the end. Because if she were honest with me and such message did not move her feelings, it means she never had such true feelings towards me to start with. thanks catfeeder.

[catfeeder]

[...] if she were honest with me and such message did not move her feelings, it means she never had such true feelings towards me to start with. thanks catfeeder.

 

Sure, you can talk yourself into bitterness if it makes you stronger, but it's the perfect way to set up a nice sabotage for your future relationships.

 

If I won't respond to something that comes off as manipulative today, that doesn't mean I never cared. It means I'm resistant to the manipulation.

 

Setting up false if/then conditions is as manipulative as the letter, except the one you're pulling that on is your Self.

 

No matter what your future goals and actions, you can't go wrong with always shooting for self honesty. It teaches you when you're turning a temper tantrum into self harm, when you're being passive-aggressive to manipulate, and all sorts of other goodies. Sure this isn't pleasant to have a face-off with, but in the end it teaches you how to operate IN your own best interests instead of coming out sideways to sabotage those. It will prevent you from setting yourself up as a victim, which can be extremely helpful when getting to know someone new. Most people can smell a victim in a sentence or two. Honest people don't respect them, and dishonest people use them.

 

Here's to good habits of the mind.

 

My best,

Cat

[Pirandello]

resilient, don't regret what you did, it's done. I suggest you don't send her anymore e-mails, let her be alone for a while and not hear from you. I been doing NC since the day she left me, almost 4 weeks now. She sent me a text after 2 weeks but i did not reply. Sometimes i wonder if i should have... but her text was basically telling me that she was justifying the breakup and that she would always be there for me if i needed to talk. What could i reply to that? nothing. I think she was attempting to ease her pain. Maybe i could have said, you are absolutely right, we don't understand each other, i wish you all the best... But i decided not to, this time i will be quiet.

[resilient]

From what you have just said, and given her strong will that I know of, I can see what has driven her away. Such attitude of mine as projecting myself as victim in times of distress. Either way I turned out to be a loser, I assume, when she was dishonest as the relationship was ongoing (as she gave void promises) and when she finally turned to honesty and decided to quit. If I performed differently and positively she might have compromised the need for extra spending. But now I realize she did not go away but rather I did not give her a good reason to stay.

 

That last response of yours was enlightening.