Please Read and Give advice: message to erase the past

[Philabonia]

Hey guys, I have been writing this off and on for a couple of weeks now - editing and reediting it to say how I feel (which changes daily, therefore along with this letter haha).

 

I want to send this, eventually (like months from now, if I still have any feelings about her), to clean up the perception of us- its not meant to rekindle anything. I just dont like burning bridges, and I want my ex-love and best friend to not have any pain from what happened, even though deep inside, I doubt she does. I guess part of me is doing this to forgive myself, so I can move forward with my head held high. Please read, and tell me what you think.

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XXXXX,

 

Time may cause words and sentiments to lose their significance, but I can’t believe how it can also transform perception. At times, it feels like what happened between us was a dream. It’s quite the story, really – a cautionary tale. Sometimes I wonder if it was all just a comfortable naiveté fit to circumstance, not to be given more weight than to what any such tryst is entitled.

 

Whatever we had, one thing we did not was mutual respect, though I’m not sure either of us realized it then. I failed miserably at balancing life, and lost touch with what was important. Then again, you never told me what was going on inside, either. I was brash and immature, and we were both so indecisive. I treated you callously, not knowing how it affected you, and you ended things in the worst way. Yet there’s no need to tally wrongs, as all paths lead to the same conclusion; it’s fair to say we both made mistakes.

 

Remember those last few days, as goodbye drew near? How you looked over your shoulder at me when I walked out the door…I can envision it like it was yesterday. As I left our place for the last time, it was all I thought of. It was hard to accept that such a scenario would be the last time I was to ever see you; I wanted some profound meaning to be hidden – some hope that fate wouldn’t let it end that way. Yet nothing changed, no matter how I searched. Resolute and unremitting, those moments are evidently as they should remain; brilliantly ironic, and that is all.

 

Truth is, I’m not sure how to feel. I fear my sense of peace would dissipate with the clarity I have found if I still sought answers; what we shared in another life is irrelevant. Instead, in the instances of you and I that do linger, I try to find some joy in things I regretfully did not so much appreciate at first. It’s a small comfort to remember those moments, instead of the general ugliness and indifference that erased so much of what was good about our time together. Likewise, the only certainty is that life goes on. So, whatever we had – whatever we were, I choose to find joy in those moments worth holding on to, and I hope you would do the same.

 

To say "I miss you" now would be misleading. To say that "I wish it worked out,” after seeing our incapability to reason in the months after, would be an outright lie. Nothing went as planned, and everything worked around poor judgment. Yet, to say "I never think of you" would be cold and disingenuous; loving you was the greatest summation of every meaningful desire I have ever known, and learning to live without you has been the hardest thing I’ve yet had to experience. My greatest regret is only realizing this when I did— it seems I missed you far better than I ever loved you.

 

I can say that you deserved better than anything I could give you then. You were such a patient, kind, caring person– I hope you have kept that through everything. Though it hurt, what you did, I still hope you found peace and happiness because of it; you had so many gifts to give, it would have been a shame to waste them on someone who didn’t see you for who you are.

 

Maybe it’s just best to leave it at that I don’t love you – yet, in those moments, I think I always will. I wish you all the best.

[Ariel85]

It's always good to write out how you feel post-breakup. And then never send it.

[GetOverItPlz]

Damn... very well said, and clearly about as genuine and honest as I think you could be. Both with yourself and with this person. I agree with Ariel, though- do not send this. Ever. I understand the longing to want to leave things on "good terms" with someone that was so important to you, someone who seemed so necessary in your life. But saying these things at this point is literally throwing a dagger at a dead assailant. You're only damaging yourself at that point. I save my letters that I wanted to send to her to a little folder I've stashed deep down in a bunch of other folders on my hard drive and leave them there. One day I can look back on them with perspective and be happy I loved her the way that I did, and vice versa. Right now is not the time to send it.

 

Everything comes back around, and hopefully one day you have the chance to say these words- or similar- to put the matter to a final rest. But now isn't the time.