babysunshine Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 So obviously some people have more will power than others. I know some people who have been dumped in terrible ways after significantly long relationships and gotten no closure and just immediately initiated NC and never looked back, and then there are people like me who, for whatever reason, drag things on for years. I was thinking about myself and how my will power for alot of things is a little lacking to say the least, and what that means in terms of NC. Does someone who struggles with willpower for other things in life (weightloss, acheiving goals, removing toxic people from their lives... etc...) pretty much have to accept that acheiving NC will be extremely hard I mean, I'm an intelligent person, I know the things I have to do in order to move on but it takes me forever to do it. When I was healing from the end of my 5 year relationship it wasnt until he completely blocked me and I had no choice but to comply with NC. For this go-around I want to do it myself without it getting to that point. HELP! Link to comment
onidonid Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 We are taught through love stories, movies and songs that fighting for someone you love is what you should do. There is also some inate quality to that urge as well. This forum teaches us, that we must do NC in order to heal, and quite possibly your ex may come back to you should they see you've improved yourself. This forum says "People Want What They Can't Have" None of makes any logical sense to me. I'm choosing NC to heal. I don't get it. I don't understand why I can't fight for what I want. I don't have her anymore, so I want what I cant have too. That's the rub. I don't understand anything, and I'm just as confused as you are. Weak...yeah maybe. Human...for sure. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted February 24, 2011 Author Share Posted February 24, 2011 No Contact... cutting off all contact with someonewhether they dumped you, you dumped them, or you're trying to move on from an unhealthy relationship. No texts, calls, emails, message sending pigeons, facebook etc... Nothing. Link to comment
siouxdax Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks babysunshine. Unfortunately I'm all too familiar with NC. LOL. Link to comment
resilient7 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 sunshine,What helped me out was leaving the country,but that was cause of school which had to be done but initially delayed and even canceled my flight just to stay and try to win her over.so before I left I sent THE letter and commenced NC. The part that was difficult was missing her but no really the wanting to go ahead and contact her because i knew that would only worsen things Link to comment
babysunshine Posted February 24, 2011 Author Share Posted February 24, 2011 hahah resilient, at least you moved out of the country for school, with my last relationship I picked up and moved to Africa... seriously. It worked though. Withthis one it's more gathering the strength to do NC because he is an unhelathy person for me. and everytime I try he reels me back in..... sigh. Link to comment
bri427 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 i wouldnt see it as weak...its being very emotionally attached and not wanting to let go lol. i honestly never saw myself as the type to handle NC well, i dont give up easy and if i havent gained closure...i take it very hard. NC is pointless at that point in my head lol. Till recently...i was forced to go NC, my ex just dissapeared and left me with no answers and no response. we were doin just fine, getting along and everything. so now im here at aplace in my life where i have gained alot of strength in all the hurt from him, and we got past it...then he leaves! BAM...a type of pain all over again. its ironic...i should of left, i should of cut off all ties, i should be the one with the upperhand, and i dont! i dont think any of your actions or feeling are used to label you as weak, your just compassionate. I think no matter who you are, if that person played a significant role in ur life...NC is hard regardless. how do you go from having ur life involve them to not having ANYTHING to do wit them, they become strangers. its a rough reality. ure only weak if u dont believe it will be ok one day, once u give up...thats weakness. Link to comment
GFire25 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 I had a hard time in the beginning to do NC. But once I saw that talking to her wasn't doing anything for me, I just quit trying. It was a matter of gaining the willpower to stop. I definitely didn't have it in the beginning. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Some people feel things more deeply than others, some love more than others, some take longer to heal, and some have stronger support systems than others (i.e. friends, family, church, whatever). That does not make you weak. There are just too many factors involved in healing and in succeeding in NC. Link to comment
shoe32 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Hi all, I haven't been here in a while but this concept of no contact is tough. To me, I say screw them if I can't pick up the phone and call or text them. If they don't want me around then so be it or vice versa. This is all such a game. I went no contact in a very strange situation one week ago. Yeah, I would love for her to call or text but if she doesn't I am moving forward. I think the hardest thing is that we glamorize someone and if they were so great we wouldn't be here would we? No we wouldn't obviously there are problems in the relationship and we all deserve the best we can have and if they can't see it someone more wonderful will and we will be so attracted and so in love that we won't remember why the hell we were posting here. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 It's very tough to do it. You're not doomed though, you simply get yourself through each day one at a time until you no longer thing about it. But it does take time. One easy way to do it is to get other things in your life so you no longer think about doing it. Link to comment
resilient7 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Agres with you briar rose,i definitely find it harder to let go due to the fact i didnt have a support system with me and have t deal with as best as i can and with The help of ENAers of course Link to comment
Sascha87 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 "Does someone who struggles with willpower for other things in life (weightloss, acheiving goals, removing toxic people from their lives... etc...) pretty much have to accept that acheiving NC will be extremely hard I mean, I'm an intelligent person, I know the things I have to do in order to move on but it takes me forever to do it." in my experience with these struggles, the struggle comes not from weakness, but the belief of not being good enough, or having self doubt or not having enough self love and appreciation. perhaps you replaced the love that you should have had for yourself with his love and that is what you're struggling with? I know that is true for me. Link to comment
bri427 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 NC was very hard for me because A. support system was lacking B. i was afraid of becoming nothing more of than a memory to him C.he had a GF so i felt if i went NC, he'd forget all about me....till i realized one day... if u were special to them and meant anything, ull never be "replaced", and ull still always have a place in their heart. we feel that if we give up and just walk away, then they have the upperhand and we dont have as much control. if we are the ones to decide NC, then we also have the fear that THEY will give up and forget about us when in reality we all have hopes of that fairytale-like image of the guy pulling us back inside and saying "dont go" or some prince (or princess) finally coming back and expressing their undying love for us and how much we were missed haha....its all about the "what ifs" i think. Link to comment
askltk Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Im going through this now. I know what's best for me and my progression is to go, BUT its difficult when the ex is so forthcoming. 4 month's in, and she still initiates all contact on a daily basis. I want to do it for myself too. I'm not weak minded in other aspect of my life, be it training for an event or academics - its the emotional attachment the comes with cutting you care for out of your life. Like you, when my previous 5 1/2 year relationship ended, we had LC for while - and she was very graphic about her conquests and new relationship. I didn't care as I wasnt interested in the relationship with her . It was only when I met my new gf (and current ex) that SHE wanted to stop contact, that she still loved me and couldnt bare to see me with someone else. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted February 24, 2011 Author Share Posted February 24, 2011 " in my experience with these struggles, the struggle comes not from weakness, but the belief of not being good enough, or having self doubt or not having enough self love and appreciation. perhaps you replaced the love that you should have had for yourself with his love and that is what you're struggling with? I know that is true for me. Very, Very wise and insightful. Im sure if i was honest and started looking for validation from within me, instead of seeking it from unhealthy contact my life would be a million times better!! Ugh.... so hard. Link to comment
resilient7 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 so how is the nc holding up Link to comment
bucketsofrain Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Well, first of all, you are not weak. You have a broken heart, and there is no cure for that but time. Heartbreak can be relentless, can make anyone, even strong-willed, confident people, feel desperate and insane well beyond what they thought their threshold for pain was. Add to that five years of your life, a whole monument of experience and growing and memories and love and resentment and on and on... well that's a lot to let go of. Don't be so hard on yourself. You cannot ignore these feelings, or eliminate them. You can only work through them until they eventually dissipate... which they will. I promise. With my last experience with NC, I wouldn't say it was easy, but it was clear to me. It hurt like hell, it threw me on the rocks for a long time, but I knew that she didn't love me anymore, that there was nothing to hold on to, so it made it at least a little simpler. All I had to do was ride out the pain, and hopefully, eventually find someone else. Which I did. Now... that person is gone. And NC has been much more difficult and chaotic, because even though we keep proving to each other over and over that it's not going to work, and intellectually we know it's over, we both are hanging on to the love part, some hope, we both know is fruitless, and will probably have to drive into the ground several more times before it really, truly ends. But my point is, even though in your mind you know its over, and you have come to realize he is wrong for you, people are complex, dynamic. There is still alot to love in them, and even though it may not be enough, our hearts hold out this desperate hope, and it's very hard to eliminate, and it also makes it hard to get to know new people, because there is something very deep in us that needs comfort and familiarity, even when its not the best thing. Finally, it is true that the best, first place to start healing is loving yourself, strengthening and repairing those parts that lead you into so much self-doubt and compromise. And resolve to learn lessons from your past mistakes. You will probably make others, but at least try not to reapeat the same ones that have been so damaging in the past. If you like someone, they deserve a chance, of course. But don't settle for less than you know you deserve. You are smart and open-hearted and if your picture is any indication, gorgeous. I can't imagine that there isn't someone in "Paradise City" that is a million times more awesome and right for you than this dude. In the meantime, try as hard as you can to move on, but don't kick yourself if you fail now and then. You might need to toughen up a little, but that doesn't mean you're weak. Like someone said above, just "human." Link to comment
spring2507 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 this is soo true i couldn't agree more Link to comment
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