miami Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 So I'm 39 years old, and I find myself unwilling to push myself to greater heights the way I used to just 5 to 7 years ago. Emphasis on the word "unwilling" since I am healthy, well educated and have a history of impressive accomplishments. There was a time that I'd be working on my 2nd Master's Degree, while investing in Real Estate, managing dozens of properties I owned, while also working for a Fortune 50 managing international projects, while also starting my own business on the side with operations in 2 countries....and none of this would phase me. People were always amazed at how I could handle it all, while I was amazed that they thought it was a big deal. Today...did not finish that 2nd Master's Degree (dropped it with only 3-classes left), lost all 32 properties in foreclosure, no longer working for large company, have little motivation to run the business I helped create (left my partner to carry my weight) and I have become an avid procrastinator that rarely follows-through. What the hell happened?? Is this what happens to people when they get older? I remember when I started my first job as a freshout, how I was amazed that a company would pay me handsomely for tasks that I always believed managers could do themselves. My biggest fear was that my manger realize one day "If I just organize myself better, I won't need this kid if I just do it myself." That day never came, and I always figured it was because my managers were lazy. Now that I'm pushing 40, I'm about the same age as my first manager and have hired people to do things I'm just too darn lazy to do for myself. I envy the spirit of ambition I see in younger people, and can not help notice there are fewer people my age (even less that are older) who still carry that fire. On the one hand I'd like to have that motivation back since it did help me grow, but at the same time I suspect it is mutually exclusive to the new priorities I consider important in my life. For example: Younger Me Believed Money=Power=Status=Financial Security=Happiniess Older me Believes: Money doesn't mean that much anymore and the Power & Status provided is an illusion. Financial security is nice, but is not everything. Younger Me Believed Don't be afraid of taking a chance, as long as you work hard you can always make it work. Older me Believes The younger me was an idiot, and has over $2M in losses to demonstrate "taking a chance" does not always end well. In this regard, the expression "once bitten twice shy" applies to me. Younger Me Believed You've gotta look out for #1. Older me Believes The younger me clearly had no kids. I would gladly sacrifice my life to ensure they have a better future. They are what matter most. The hardest question I deal with as I lay in bed deciding whether to get out there and give it my 110% is "Why?" Why bother? Why go out there and kill myself when "good enough is good enough." This is the attitude that scares me, because I feel this "loser mentality" is taking root and choking off whatever is left of the "winning mentality" that preceded it. I don't want to become some lazy oaf with squandered potential, but feel my view of world has changed so much that it might be too late. Is this as good as it gets? What the hell can I do to snap out of this stupor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgirl Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Lol, how do you know it's a 'stupor'? I used to think like you, albeit on a smaller scale. You had 32 properties which foreclosed... where did that get you? What is important to you? What was important to me all along was kindness, caring for people, compassion and having a relaxed, peaceful life, filled with fulfillment and rewards. I was however, living a life that was in direct opposition to that. Change makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe it's time to deal with those feelings and see what's really underneath and work out what you'd really like to do. I think it's about working out what LIFE means to you. It's a very personal thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessBOT Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Wow, at 32 I have reached this several times. Twice in my career at two companies I moved up the ladder, now the second time I feel like ok what next, is this it. I am not married and have no kids so what am I doing all this for? Should I have focused more on getting a husband and having kids so that all this would be for a purpose. I started a couple of businesses also that started out good, but fizzled because I am more a serial entrepreneur and like the business aspect more than I have a passion for what I started. I am working on my third startup now, this one I am passionate about, but feel that is because of maturity in taking the time to find what I am passionate about by answering a question a friend posed to me that changed my life "what would you do everyday even if you were not paid for it?" I regret that I don't have a solution for you, but I want you to know you are not alone and your young you/old you mentality was sort of enlightening for me. It's wisdom that doesn't come everyday. I will say that I don't consciously recognize when I come out of "is this it" stupor or what triggered the recovery, but I am usually wrapped up in some kind of project that is helping other people and spiritually focused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 We are in reverse positions my friend. I used to believe in putting family first, not worshipping power or money, and being kind and generous was the key to happiness. Well, that all went to H*ll in a handbasket just like your ambition did. Money bought me security when people I cared for left me hanging out to dry. All those friends (well most of them) and family (ALL of them) were nowhere to be found when I needed them. Now, I look at my bank account and smile. Money never lets me down and my career is going full bore, even in this economy! I am finishing my first Master's and will be pursuing another next year. I love what I do for a living and I love what my money can buy me. Friends and family let me down, money and my career are always there. Funny how we arrived at different destinations, isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quirky Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Miami, I have no amazing advice, just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading your post and you raise some interesting, realistic points. Although we are not in similar positions aspects of it truly resonate with me. Just wanted to ask. You state the fact that you are not as motivated as before. Do you feel bad for that? Are you possibly trying to preserve an image or are you truly disappointed in yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 [...] Older me Believes The younger me clearly had no kids. I would gladly sacrifice my life to ensure they have a better future. They are what matter most. [...] Then there's your new carrot. It's a different kind of investment. Put your intelligence and creativity and resources into something driven by the goal of making a better future for your kids. Or all kids. If that involves learning politics or education or psychology or art--whatever can hook you into building something small that matters to you, you'll be able to decide how or whether to grow that 'bigger' later. Meanwhile, focus on building yourself into the best possible model of what you want your kids to remember as they grow into adults--and I doubt that's someone who runs around like a 20-something risking wads of dough just for the hell of gambling on a winning streak. You got caught up in 'generating' financial success for its own sake, and that was easy enough before the winds changed. Now, instead of generating, you're investing on a whole new level. If this involves a year or two of research to find 'your thing,' then it might not 'appear' as sexy and as sweeping and as profitable as your youthful pursuits, but maturity isn't about mimicking the energy of youth, it's about channeling intelligence into something that matters to you. You have your hints about what matters to you. What can you build around that? In your corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miami Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Thanks for the feedback, many good points. Today I decided to take a few baby steps away from procrastination by putting away my remaining Christmas decorations. Yup...mid February and I still had some out. Other low-hanging pieces of fruit include doing my taxes, changing my AC filter and getting my car cleaned since it smells like a foot. I need to find new momentum so that I go back into auto-pilot mode and keep doing the things I need to without procrastinating. I have books in my garage I haven't touched in over a decade. My office looks like a museum of worthless junk, and I have a closet full of clothes that should be going to Goodwill. Soon I'll have the mental energy to jump back into my business to help my partner out so it can grow (at least I'm hoping I will). I'm not sure what's been holding me back all this time besides myself. It seems I am in my own way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Sounds like depression, quite honestly. Even a milder form, such as yours, can present as all the symptoms you wrote about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miami Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 I've been reluctant to use the "D" word, but can't deny that the symptoms are familiar. I've been through one before and there are similarities, but what I'm feeling now is quite different. At my corporate job I am extremely functional and have consistently excelled for the past 2-years. At home, my wife needs to nudge me more often than not so I can get things going. With respect to my personal business, I feel like I'm "faking it" to keep up appearances, and still able to provide great ideas when needed. People are looking for my leadership and strategic vision to move ahead, yet they don't realize they're talking to a guy who up until 3-hours ago still had Santa Claus figurines in the living room. I also feel like a phony with my kids, telling them to eat healthy and work hard while I over-eat and fail to perform in several areas. If I were fully dysfunctional in all areas of my life then I'd say "yes," time to get back on the Wellbutrin. Since I do well in the areas I CHOOSE to perform, I'm left with the impression it's a motivational thing. I ask myself, "Why can't I force myself to excel in all areas?" Better still, "why do I choose to do well in some, and choose to slack off in others?" I don't know the answer to that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 […] People are looking for my leadership and strategic vision to move ahead, yet they don't realize they're talking to a guy who up until 3-hours ago still had Santa Claus figurines in the living room. Hah! I can tell the Christmas stuff really bothered you, and you sound like quite the perfectionist--which can become its own trap. Just for the record if it offers any comfort, my family 'likes' our Christmas stuff and we always left almost everything out but the tree until mid-March, once even April. We'd laugh like hell at ourselves each time one of us would suggest packing the stuff up only to get shot down by someone's whining that we 'like' it. So we'd joke that if anyone asks we'll just say we're some weird orthodox brand that celebrates Christmas until Easter. Point is, you're a grown man and get to make your own rules. The only problem with that is when you're tougher and more rigid with your own 'shoulds' than anyone else would even fathom being. Often it's more of a habit than an actual desire to juggle all the plates we think we 'should'. […] Since I do well in the areas I CHOOSE to perform, I'm left with the impression it's a motivational thing. I ask myself, "Why can't I force myself to excel in all areas?" Better still, "why do I choose to do well in some, and choose to slack off in others?" I don't know the answer to that one. This is a golden observation and the perfect questions. Maybe the only problem with your selective case of the fuggits is the problem you're creating 'about' it. Maybe if you let yourself lean into it without guilting yourself and screwing with your head about it, you might learn WHY some things matter--and other things don't. Maybe you'll grow peaceful with that being okay. Maybe the things that shake out of this as really mattering to you will take on a life of their own an become your drivers--while the rest is allowed to fall away to stop cluttering your life. Mellowing is part of maturity, so I'm told. I observed it in my own uptight Mom who's perfectionism drove us all nuts. We love her like crazy and always have, but we really ENJOY her now. My best, Cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miami Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks Cat. My personal vendetta with the Christmas figurines was that they became a symbol of my own failures each day they were out. Every day, since about the first week of January, I'd walk by those figurines and think to myself "I've gotta put those things away, but first I have to do X, Y, Z which is more important." In the end, I did not do X, Y or Z, and the figurines stayed out to taunt me for yet another day. I have other such "symbolic failures" hanging around my house in different forms: unmailed letters, incomplete tax forms, messy closets, procrastinated chores...you name it. I need to "win" each of those little battles before I can bring myself to go after larger fish. Last week I received a call from a headhunter that was looking to find a VP for their company. Although on paper I fit the profile nicely, deep down I have lost confidence in myself to the point that I did not return his call. This is self-destructive, and I fear how far this will go if I don't deal with it now before it gets out of hand. I'm tired of holding my kids to the standards of an older version of myself, when they are smart enough to see the current version of myself would not measure up. Who am I becoming? My father perhaps? I hope not. As I love him because he is my dad and did the best he could, he is far, far away from the person I aspire to become. I don't want my kids to have the same impression of me when they grow-up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 […] I need to "win" each of those little battles before I can bring myself to go after larger fish. I can relate, and I can appreciate the power of small carrots--however, this is an arbitrary rule you're setting up as a barrier. It's understandable because you took some knocks, and you're fearful. While holding yourself hostage to piddly stuff is no crime, you're blowing it into something bigger, and you're in danger of actually believing yourself. Compare this kind of thinking to OCD counting--I can't leave the house until I flip the light switch 50 times and remove the angels from the mantel--but I can't remove the angels until I complete my taxes, wash my hands twice, and clean my closet--but I can't clean the closet until I return a phone call I don't want to deal with--and so it goes. When you look at it in that context, it's all the same stuff. Meaningless structures. You can do that if you want, but who benefits from imagining that your kids are secretly holding you accountable for defaulting on some made-up rules that only you know about? Last week I received a call from a headhunter that was looking to find a VP for their company. Although on paper I fit the profile nicely, deep down I have lost confidence in myself to the point that I did not return his call. This is self-destructive, and I fear how far this will go if I don't deal with it now before it gets out of hand. That's a valid concern, because that's one less headhunter who will deal with you when you're ready. There's nothing required of you to reveal anything you don't want to reveal to a headhunter, but calling to say some version of, "…thank you for thinking of me, but it's not the right time for me now," can mean anything. It gets you off the hook without burning a bridge. It's not too late to do that. I'm tired of holding my kids to the standards of an older version of myself, when they are smart enough to see the current version of myself would not measure up. Who am I becoming? My father perhaps? I hope not. As I love him because he is my dad and did the best he could, he is far, far away from the person I aspire to become. I don't want my kids to have the same impression of me when they grow-up. Might help to question the standards you're discussing. If you're a perfectionist and you're blocking yourself in with that, it's okay because you're capable of getting yourself out when you're ready. It's Wiz of Oz, you have the answer the whole time, and you get to pick when you'll use it. But when it comes to kids, it's only fair to consider whether you're boxing them in by arbitrary stuff, too. Giving kids roots and wings is a balancing act--if you're fearful, you'll overdo the roots and skip the wings because you're the one who's afraid of that part. You might believe that you can rescue yourself through discipline and sheer will, but have you considered it possible to liberate yourself instead? In your corner, Cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pilotgirl Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Miami, I'm also in South Florida so I can relate as well to all of the nuances of being in the position you are in, while also being in the pressure cooker of a location where image is everything and those who hustle hardest are the winners. I hit the glass ceiling of my career at age 30, having an awesome Fortune 500 company job, huge responsibilities, a nifty salary, a house and no debt other than the mortgage...plus I was single. Sounds to me like you have a classic case of burn out. You've Been There, Done That and found it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Sounds like you are looking for more value out of life, and that's normal. It's not depression. It's what happens when you get every physical thing the world says you should have, but when you get all that you realize it's the INTANGIBLE things that you are missing and that the hold in your life might just be filled with things you can't earn. After being a serial overachiever, I had everything ingloriously removed by way of the crap economy...a lay off, a loss of identity by losing co-workers and a structure that I needed to feel self worth. I lost a house I'd worked hard to buy, and had to leave a city where I'd built an independent, self-sufficient life. Just prior to my whole world collapsing...and I mean literally days before, I met my soulmate and he rode the storm out with me. I realized that in losing everything I'd placed my self-worth in, I'd surrendered myself to the intangible things I lacked...love, companionship, and the human connection that career goals and salaries can't provide. If you aren't keen on the relationship game, then maybe it's time to really pursue something that means something to you, be it a talent, hobby or personal project. Obviously you don't feel like you are fulfilling the purpose that you are here to fulfill, and it's time to figure out what that is, no matter how it might look to your family and colleagues. I'll bet there is something unfinished in your life that you wanted to do, but it "wouldn't make any money" or something....like a book, or artwork, or music...you need to reconnect with whatever it is that inspired you BEFORE you got lost in the world's expectations. Maybe it's hiking a mountain, or travelling to a sacred place that fascinated you as a youngster. Whatever it is, it's calling to you and that's why no matter how may degrees you earn or job titles, they can't fill that hole. You are out of balance, having put all of your energy into one part of life, while neglecting another part, and THAT part is the real root of who you are, not the part that ventures out into the world to work every day. Try to remember what you dreamed of doing before life got heavy and mundane. Think back on what inspired you to take the road that you did, even if that road diverted somewhere unfulfilling. When you realize what you've been putting on the back burner while seeking the empty things in life, then make those things your goals....and your job and career goals just things that allow you to pursue your real purpose. I had it all backwards. Life was all about going higher and further in my job and I thought that was freedom. But it was slavery of my soul. Now I have rediscovered my passion, and all that I achieved is fine, and it sustains me and allows me to pursue my passion, but my so-called life in my job and status and salary and achievements will never again define who I am or why I am here. Blue skies... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miami Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Catfeeder & pilotgirl....Thank you both for your thoughtful insights, they were extremely helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astorytold Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 Miami, I am wondering, after reading your posts. Now that it has been a year, how are things going? Have you managed to overcome? -An individual experiencing a similar affects to those of your own, as posted in your original text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colton Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I lay in my bed, thinking about my life, and realized, "something has broken inside me." I am not, and cannot be the same man I was just a few short years ago. So I typed this into google and was directed here. I mine as well have been writing your post. For me, it is depression. What is the purpose? Why even try? I lost everything, plead to a white collar felony at the advice of my attorney. (I know everyone says this, but I literally did nothing wrong) I have started a third company, and while it is wildly financially the most successful of all my start ups I should be excited...I should be driven....I should be firing on all 8 cylinders....I am completely depressed. I have lost that youthful exuberance for life, given up on any dreams, and feel as a man marking time until death comes upon me. I used to work out 3 hrs. Each day, now I am 50 lbs. Overweight. I can't imagine having a girlfriend, I lay in bed and shrug doing things...anything other then work....life sux. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueidealist24 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 It sounds like you might just be burnt out... I'm very impressed that you were able to achieve that much within one life already. I'm not sure if I'd say you're depressed but burnout may be more like it. I'm no expert, but you should do some reading on burnout, especially career burnout. I wouldn't say this is because you're getting older, since some people who lag behind when they're younger actually are just hitting their stride at your age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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