Lady Rashomon Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I've met a lot of really wonderful people through a women's divorce support group that I've been going to. There is one woman in particular with whom I have bonded quite a bit in the last couple months and she recently confided in me about a moral quandary that she is in. About two years ago, she was having an extramarital affair with a man whose wife got pregnant right around the same time. Well, long story short: the guy stayed with his wife and they had the baby, but my friend and he continued to sporadically meet up, up until after the baby was born. The guilt broke her (and her marriage), and she's now trying to get back to some semblance of normalcy and build a life for herself. The last year or so has been one of intense personal growth for her, but the remorse and fallout from her affair is a major stumbling block. She has no contact with the man she had the affair with, but she is wondering if she should alert the man's wife (who apparently knows nothing of her husband's infidelity), not to be malicious or hurtful but to come clean overall. (For the record, the guy still sends her e-mails and calls her, but she blocked him from all forms of communication recently.) Personally, I would probably just stay out of it and move on with my life, but she seems to think that because she screwed up so royally, she has an obligation to be truthful. I think the fallout could be devastating for the guy's wife. Is honesty always the best policy--particularly in this case? Link to comment
superfox Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 No. It's making her feel better but ruining 2 lives in the process, the wife and the baby. It's selfish. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 This need to tell the OG's wife isn't coming from a place of truth, it's coming from the part of her that wants to see him go through the same things she has because of the affair. She's suffered while it seems he's walked away without consequence. Link to comment
sunshine1 Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 No. It's making her feel better but ruining 2 lives in the process, the wife and the baby. It's selfish. I have to disagree. I know everyone is different, but I would think living a LIE is worse. I don't think its fair that this guy could (potentially) have a very loving wife at home, while he cheats with god knows how many people. He could bring home STDs, get someone else pregnant, etc and to me THAT is what can ruin two lives (or more). Link to comment
shes2smart Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Steps 8 & 9 of the "12 Step" recovery model used by Alcoholics Anonymous and other "Anonymous" programs: Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others I think this is clearly a case where making direct amends would stir up a lot of unnecessary pain for other people. I think there's a very good chance that she would be the only one who stands to get any benefit (or the most benefit) from 'fessing up at this point. Also, as much as anyone might want to believe her intentions are good, she may also have a hidden or secondary agenda here -- perhaps a small wish for revenge or something like that. Yes, that's an ugly thought, which is why it's something she may not be able to really, consciously acknowledge even to herself. If she needs to confess or deal with her guilt, there are plenty of other avenues for her to do that (therapy, confession (if she's Catholic), anonymously on a confession/secrets website, at a support group). Link to comment
Lady Rashomon Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 shes2smart, that was pretty much what I told her. She says that she doesn't have a desire to seek revenge on the guy--she doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and I think the reason that she's been so torn is precisely because she doesn't want to ruin someone else's life or cause more pain. She's been in therapy and has talked a great deal about her experience with others, but she feels that this is the one thing that hasn't yet been resolved. So she has considered sending the wife an anonymous tip or at least something that would pull her out of her seemingly oblivious state. This isn't a tactic that I agree with. Yes, it's sad that this man cheated on his wife (especially during and after her pregnancy), but I don't think it's my friend's place to divulge that information or to come between this couple. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Well, if it is true she doesn't want anything to do with him, then she needs to drop the idea of contacting his wife....even anonymously. To consider doing this and/or actually doing this up is continuing to have something to do with him. Link to comment
SocialPsiTina Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I honestly don't see what good could possibly come from this woman telling her former lover's wife about her affair with the wife's husband. If the wife doesn't already know what kind of behavior her husband is capable of, perhaps she doesn't want to know. I believe that the wife has the right to pull the wool over her own eyes. Most marriages do not have such a degree of emotionally intimacy that this information could be faced openly and the marriage survive it. That doesn't make it healthy or optimal, but willful ignorance may be the least of the evils in this case. Is your friend thinking: if I were that man's wife, I would want someone to tell me? But you see, even if true, she is not that man's wife, who may have different needs and priorities. Each person is different: many would prefer not to know, and it would turn their world upside down (not to mention the world of their loved ones) to have this information imposed upon them. If your friend wishes to make amends for what she considers to be her own guilt-worthy acts, then perhaps she could be emotionally support to women who already do know about their husband's affair, and are devastated by. Perhaps she can help them understand the thoughts and feelings of The Other Woman. If she wants to get her life back on track, it sounds to me like she needs to further examine what an honest relationship truly means to her, and what value it has. The fact that she wishes to impose "honesty" on those who probably don't want it, and may in fact be harmed by it, suggests that she is still confused about love, sexuality, honesty, ethics, meaning, and The Golden Rule. I don't agree that her wish to tell necessarily means that she has vindictive desires, although she may. How can we truly know what she feels "deep inside"? But it does sound to me like she is ethically confused about what it means to have a healthy, happy relationship (yes, rare enough in this culture), and how to act in a way that truly helps others without disrespecting their wishes, choices, and limitations. If her husband were preying upon those underage who might not be in a position to protect themselves, that would be different, but here we are talking about consenting adults. What steps is she taking to prevent herself from making that mistake again? If she's so concerned about ethics and well-being, then placing her attention and priority there would likely prove most healing for all-- including those she has not even met yet. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 If my husband had an affair I would want to know. Your friend needs to make sure she is doing this for the right reasons. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 She had no problem sleeping with said married man and only after he decided to stay with his wife did it suddenly become wrong? I can guarantee you the only reason why she wants to tell the wife is because she is the scorned lover. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 If I were the wife, I would want to know. The problem is, not everyone would want to know. Many people would prefer simply not to know because the truth is too painful to hear. Also, if I were the married woman I'm not sure I would believe anything a random woman who claims to have slept with my husband had to say. Link to comment
anthony4 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Hopefully the cad will somehow screw up on his own and his wife will find out that way. She is in a terrible position and even though i agree, i would want to know, it's better to let sleeping (with other women) dogs lie. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 When you're not in the situation, it's easy to say you'd want to know, or predict what you would do. When you're actually faced with being married for X amount of years and have a child with that person, you might choose differently. While I've never been in that exact situation, I have managed to live long enough to watch my outside observer pronouncement of "If it was me, I would want to know/I would do this/I would say that" morph into something other than what I expected when I found myself knee-deep in what was once only a hypothetical. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 When you're not in the situation, it's easy to say you'd want to know, or predict what you would do. When you're actually faced with being married for X amount of years and have a child with that person, you might choose differently. While I've never been in that exact situation, I have managed to live long enough to watch my outside observer pronouncement of "If it was me, I would want to know/I would do this/I would say that" morph into something other than what I expected when I found myself knee-deep in what was once only a hypothetical. I for one am sure I would want to know. But the fact that I would want to know doesn't mean I'd believe some random woman who told me. I'd be far more likely to believe a trusted friend/confidante. That's why I think if the OP's friend tells the woman she is likely to not believe her. Although I am sure I would want to know, what I might do about it is another story. The older I get and the more I hear about people cheating (quite frankly it seems like it's more likely than not to happen which is sad but from my observations of friends' situations...it just is the reality) the less sure I am about what I would do. Link to comment
SocialPsiTina Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I don't see how you can guarantee that. You may be right, but you don't know her, and your statement implies that it's not possible that she re-thought everything, and is now "reformed." People do reform themselves and make amends-- I'd just like to see her to it a different way. I think many wives don't want to know about their husband's affairs, and those that do can usually find out if they want to. It would be cruel to impose the information on those that may be better off not knowing. Link to comment
capilot Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 ... she was having an extramarital affair with a man whose wife got pregnant right around the same time. ... she is wondering if she should alert the man's wife ... Sounds like she wants to call the wife in order to gloat. Or maybe she's hoping to break up the marriage so she can have the husband to herself. This might be at a subconscious level and she's not aware of it herself, but that's what it sounds like to me. Link to comment
Circe Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I know this is the unpopular view - but I think she should tell the wife. They might be able to work through it and I hope they can for everyone's sake. But I think this is the sort of thing that needs to come out and be dealt with. If the wife already know or doesn't want to know then she can choose to believe your friend is lying. I think it is more likely that more harm would ultimately be done by hiding this than revealing it. I do agree with the others that I don't think your friends' intentions are as pure as she says - but that's not the point, to me. The wife should know. Link to comment
SocialPsiTina Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Hey, Circe, I think your points are very well taken. It seems to me that your point of view makes a lot of sense, and I really liked the way you articulated it-- very intriguing and well thought-out I also like for things to be out in the open in my own relationships. Openness makes for a more genuine and intimate connection, and I strongly favor that for my own relationships. I don't know that I would want to "find out" about a straying husband that way. I'd much rather hear it from him! It just goes to show what a very thorny issue it is. Perhaps there are no easy answers. Link to comment
anthony4 Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 and those that do can usually find out if they want to. yet there are those that are taking the kids to school, doing laundry, ironing. making supper and obliviously living life happily ever after. to those i feel pity. and wonder if notification of infidelity would truly be helpful. who is to know really? Link to comment
shes2smart Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I know this is the unpopular view - but I think she should tell the wife. They might be able to work through it and I hope they can for everyone's sake. But I think this is the sort of thing that needs to come out and be dealt with. If the wife already know or doesn't want to know then she can choose to believe your friend is lying. I think it is more likely that more harm would ultimately be done by hiding this than revealing it. I do agree with the others that I don't think your friends' intentions are as pure as she says - but that's not the point, to me. The wife should know. You believe the wife should know...probably based on the idea that you believe you'd want to know if you were in that situation. That's fine for you to decide that for yourself. However, it is not your place to decide that for someone else (and then make it "ok" by saying she can choose to believe the OP's friend is lying). Link to comment
Lady Rashomon Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Great feedback that's definitely given me a lot of food for thought. I mentioned a lot of what posters have said here to my friend. Actually, she does worry that at least on an unconscious level, she is being vindictive by giving the wife this info, which is why she has waffled so much on whether or not to tell her. It's been several months since her affair ended. The guy will still contact her periodically, even though she isn't interested in continuing that relationship. She seems to be in a pretty harrowing "purgation" phase--getting rid of a lot of the things that don't fit her life, changing course, trying to be a better person, etc. She told me that the only reason she has considered telling the wife is that close to the beginning of their affair, the wife suspected her husband of cheating and came right out and accused him of it, then proceeded to demand all his personal info--e-mail passwords, telephone bills, etc. I guess he's a smooth talker so he eventually made her believe that she was crazy, but it was this demand to know that makes my friend feel that perhaps she has a moral obligation to confirm the wife's suspicions. It's dubious to me that the wife wouldn't believe my friend. Records of cell phone conversations, personal e-mails and chat transcripts, personal information that the man divulged about his home life and family...all of those things would be too uncanny to just pull out of thin air. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 It's dubious to me that the wife wouldn't believe my friend. Records of cell phone conversations, personal e-mails and chat transcripts, personal information that the man divulged about his home life and family...all of those things would be too uncanny to just pull out of thin air. People can be presented with all manner of facts. However, if they do not want to accept what the facts indicate, humans can be amazingly creative at explaining, justifying, rationalizing and coming up with all manner of reasons why something isn't true. As T-shirt wisdom reminds us, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Regardless of her intentions, things will not unfold as she envisions. In her mind: The wife confronts the husband, he cleans up his act, their marriage continues stronger with the wife more aware and the husband more committed. There are way too many variables here to guarantee this outcome. The ex-mistress is throwing a hand grenade into an enclosed space and hoping for a miracle. There will only be a lot of destruction. She also needs to relax her feeling of moral obligation. She is not the keeper of the great secret that will free mankind. The wife is already suspicious and he has dodged a near miss with being caught out. I guarantee that one of his buddies or other trusted people within his circle are aware of his ways. He has probably done this before and will do it again. Her only responsibility is to end the affair and get away from him then stop all contact. It sounds like she has not truly cut all contact if she is aware that he still tries to contact him. If she really wants him to stop, she needs to tell him STOP, never talk to me again. But he still thinks that door is partially open... If she is truly honest with herself, she will see she is still involved here in some way. If she tells the wife...then she will have to continue to monitor things....then she will need to know about the outcome....then she will need to do it again if the wife does not believe the email....then the wife discovers the old affair and confronts her... This will never never end. She needs to cut all contact completely, she is just a reformed cheater, not the moral cop for his life. Link to comment
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