I can't stop dwelling on my fiancee's newest male nude "life" model

[scotty2422]

Ok, I've been miserable for over a week now and it's driving me crazy. My fiancee is a part-time artist who's been taking art classes for as long as I've known her (5+ years). Her newest drawing class, which started last Thursday, has been using a nude male model. Ok, she's drawn a few naked dudes before. BUT...

 

Last Friday night, a full day after her first class, she mentioned out of the blue that they had a male model, and that he, in her words, has a GIANT penis. Ok again, right? It happens. But, she went on to say that the sight of it made her extremely "uncomfortable." So, even though the artist's code and all that, it's just shapes and lines and shadows and whatnot and nothing more, she basically admitted that this guy was so large it affected her and took her out of mere artist/model mode at least temporarily. I played it cool and nodded along as she tripped over herself saying she didn't like it and she didn't want to see other guy's penises and whatnot. But it was clearly on her mind for a full day before she decided to tell me about it. And she even prefaced telling me with, "I probably shouldn't tell you this..."

 

So I swallowed my insecurity and went to bed thinking about it and woke up last Saturday morning thinking about it and now it's been obsessing me ever since.

 

Then this past Thursday she had her second class. Friday morning, trying bring it up casually, I asked her if she drew her "porn star" again last night. I thought being a bit jokey would loosen things up. She said yeah but then just sort of shook her head and wrinkled her face, sort of like a "I don't like it" face. She didn't say anything more and left for work, leaving me wondering what the hell that was.

 

And she still hasn't shown me her drawings. Which is not like her at all.

 

I know it's been on my mind constantly for over a week now. I've always been insecure about my own size even though I know I'm pretty much average. I'm just worried she's also been thinking about this guy constantly but for very different reasons. I know I've probably made this FAR more important to me than it is to her. I KNOW she loves me to death and would never stray or anything like that. I guess I'm just full of dread and anxiety because if even a part of her has been obsessing about this giant wang I know I could never live up to it and am worried she may hold on to some secret excitement or desire going forward. Maybe always wondering what she's "missing."

 

Am I just being insane? I don't believe this will in any way "ruin" our relationship, but I just can't bring myself to blurt out my feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Maybe because I'm terrified of her admitting this guy's size HAS excited her, which would be pretty normal I suppose, even though I know she'd never do anything to hurt me.

[GotMyLifeBack]

If you two are going to get married, now's the time to lay the foundation for open communication about everything. You're establishing a pattern potentially for the rest of your life. I'd talk about it with her, obviously in a nonaccusatory way.

[FathomFear]

Maybe because I'm terrified of her admitting this guy's size HAS excited her, which would be pretty normal I suppose, even though I know she'd never do anything to hurt me.

 

Attractive guys are not going to not be attractive to her just because she's in a relationship. Similarly, attractive women won't stop being attractive to you just because you're in a relationship. Nothing really shocking there.

 

Having said that, I think you're reading too much into this. By saying she's "uncomfortable" she's probably just referencing the fact that it's awkward to stare at some naked stranger for an extended period of time. Regardless of how attractive or unattractive someone is, that's going to be weird.

[Stay_home]

My opinion, that's probably not the best conversation to bring home from work.

[RedDress]

Yes, I think you are being crazy.

 

She is in a drawing class. He is no different than a bowl of fruit. You might see a big, juicy apple in the bowl of fruit and the thought might cross your mind... but it's not like you are going to knock everyone over to go partake in the fruit. And it's not going to ruin all other fruit for you... LOL!

 

If she were hanging out with the dude... giving him her number... planning dates with him... THEN you have something to worry about. But she's not.

 

If you plan to be married, rest assured, there WILL be hot guys that she will see from time to time (some will even be "better" than you) and she WILL even be hit on from time to time. This WILL happen - not "might" or "maybe" - but WILL. You have to trust her and her love for you.

 

I think this is your own insecurity that you need to learn to deal with. Bringing it up and harrassing her over something she can do nothing about (do you want her to drop the class???) isn't going to help anything. It's ok and normal to fell jealous... but now is the time to take a deep breath and think about all the good times you've had, the intimacy you've shared, the way your personalities click, etc. Because those are the reasons that she's with you. Not the size of your dong.

[mustard1234]

a) as any wonk-a-donk connoisseur will tell you, size on it's own is not all it's cracked up to be. the feeling differential ratio is minimal and *cue the softrock jams* it's all about emotional connection before anything is actually enjoyable.

 

i won't lie and say there's not a difference, but it's not as spectacularly pronounced as the media projects. having experienced most possible iterations of size/feelings combination, and once upon a time thinking that a few extra inches made a tremendous difference...i can securely speak from experience. to avoid drawing unnecessary stares, i'll just leave it there. lmao.

 

b) i can empathize with your struggle here. my suggestion would be: keep talking it out with us until you can condense your issue/sentiment into about 1-2 sentences. dilute/concentrate it for sharing, if you will. get all the bats out and the far-flung prognosticating done in private so that when you do go to her (which, i recommend) you don't sound nuts. then just talk. you sound pretty level headed and like you have a solid relationship (bravo + you're very fortunate on both counts).

 

bottom line: it's worth opening up to her about. it's not worth stressing over.

 

bon chance.

[NANsense]

Do have a conversation & lay groundwork--DON'T accuse her of thinking/fantasizing about him.

 

IMO you are assuming she is thinking abt him in a sexual way--and that is out of your own insecurities. Tell her the big dong story made you uncomfortable and insecure--be honest! Hopefully this will keep her from sharing this info in the future?

 

IMO she would feel the same way if you came home talking abt lunch at hooters--which would be insensitive, right?

[metrogirl]

So you are insecure that she has seen a big ol' penis? For all you know any of her previous boyfriend could have had a big one. I really think you need to let this go. Is it really that much different than you maybe seeing some others girls bigger breasts? (movies, nude beach, etc) You get my drift right?

[mustard1234]

I agree with letting it ride but, really, for guys this is a big deal.

 

Ladies, don't think of it as comparing breast size. Imagine your guy coming home and saying he's unable to comfortably shake the image of some strange woman's beauty. Her outsized, irrational loveliness.

 

Yeah, exactly. You'd be trippin'. Don't lie.

[NANsense]

she didn't say it was beautiful--but rather it was "GIANT" and made her "uncomfortable".....she is the only person who knows the meaning (to her) behind the description.....this is what's so damaging abt the comment in the first place--it leaves way for it to play on insecurities (or make them greater)

 

IMO it should have been kept to herself

[scotty2422]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments. I agree with them all!

 

Mustard, I do think I'm pretty level-headed about most things, but I do admit this scenario has basically become my WORST FEAR COME TO LIFE LOL. I'm admittedly a bit immature and paranoid when it comes to penis size. Which is silly because, again, by all popular statistics I'm perfectly average. But there you have it.

 

If I had to condense it to it's bare bones - I'd say my biggest worry/concern/paranoia, etc. is how my fiancee said this guy, for the first time ever, made her very uncomfortable in an art class. That's what's messing with me I guess. I think she's always had a typical/normal female fascination with the "larger members" out there, i.e., giggly "whoa's" when the rare large guy pops up in a cable tv show or movie. And I'm fairly confident that, while she's had her normal share of past lovers, this model is definitely the biggest she's seen. Then her reaction yesterday morning when I finally decided to bring him up in a casual/throw-away way she basically clammed-up instead of joking back like I'd hoped. Of course I'm projecting there; her reactions are hers and I can't force my own expectations on them. I wish she'd shown me her first drawing the night of her first class. I wish she hadn't waited a day then blurted that his penis was GIANT, leaving me to fill in the blanks and making me think she'd spent 24 hours thinking about it and wondering if she wanted to ever tell me about it at all. I wish I wasn't such an insecure douche and could talk about it I think too much time has passed now to bring it up like it's just a passing thought. What if I just, as casually as I can, ask why she hasn't shown me any of her drawings yet? Maybe I could make it a joke? Like, "What, you worried I won't be able to handle seeing this Adonis?"

[mustard1234]

lol

 

CAN you handle seeing this Adonis?

[scotty2422]

LOL mustard. I'll only know if I see it! Don't you think this would've been much better if she'd shown me her work right then? "Hey, we drew a naked dude tonight. Check it out." I'd have looked at it (admiring her talent first, of course ) then I might've made some comment like, "Wow, looks like he's packing." Christ, I think that would've been such a better beginning to this. Instead of me feeling blindsided by "our male model has a GIANT penis!" Please don't think I'm blaming her for this in any way by saying that. I just mean she's offered me her work to admire all the time in the past. THAT'S probably the root of my insecurity here: it seems she was very, very apprehensive about showing or telling me about this guy.

 

Arg. Where's Doc Brown's time machine when you need it.

[NANsense]

Scotty....have you considered this?

Maybe the fact that she had shown you her other work made her hesitant to show you this drawing BEFORE she said it was "OFF".....what I mean is--if she just threw it out on the table--you may have wondered why she drew a man the mans unit larger than life--why did it get so much attention....do you know what I mean?

[scotty2422]

Hmm, nan, interesting thought, but I don't think that would've been an issue. Her drawings aren't what you'd call in the "realism" dept. What I mean is you see some paintings that are so meticulous and "realistic" you have to look at it closer to know it even is a painting. I don't think the penis would have been all that "out there." I would have to look at the whole drawing and then see the penis "shape" was unusually large. She's more into highlighting shadow and shape and all that jazz. That's why I probably would've asked something like, "Damn, he looks like a porn star" or something like that. I'm almost positive I wouldn't have found myself staring at an enormous veiny c*ck drawing

 

Edit: Again, I really don't want this to sound like I'm trying to turn this around and blame HER for doing anything wrong. Not at all. I guess at this point I'm just dwelling on how it all could have gone differently. And now I think the only way I can bring myself to open up the discussion is to ask to see her drawings. At the very least it would be something to start with instead of blindsiding her cold like I feel I did yesterday.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I never understood why every single artist and budding artist has to draw/paint pictures of naked people. Yeah, yeah, I have heard all the standard lines explaining this phenomenon.."the naked body is beautiful", "it is just art", "nobody gets turned on"...blah, blah, blah. You can't have me believe, that with people's obsessions with sex and getting it on with strangers..that a naked body is not going to turn people on while they are drawing/painting it. I am sure that lots of people leave their art class after painting a nude, aroused and full of fantasies. I suspect your fiancée feels uncomfortable because it is arousing and she is trying to squash her natural physiological reaction to seeing the naked man with the large penis. Painting breasts, vaginas and penises which are in full view 5 feet away from you is not at all the same as painting fruit or the table.

[scotty2422]

I never understood why every single artist and budding artist has to draw/paint pictures of naked people. Yeah, yeah, I have heard all the standard lines explaining this phenomenon.."the naked body is beautiful", "it is just art", "nobody gets turned on"...blah, blah, blah. You can't have me believe, that with people's obsessions with sex and getting it on with strangers..that a naked body is not going to turn people on while they are drawing/painting it. I am sure that lots of people leave their art class after painting a nude, aroused and full of fantasies. I suspect your fiancée feels uncomfortable because it is arousing and she is trying to squash her natural physiological reaction to seeing the naked man with the large penis.

 

I guess this gets at the heart of my insecurity. IF she has been aroused (even slightly) by this guy, I'd like to think I could recognize this isn't unusual. I like to THINK that lol. Because my rational brain knows this is normal. If I took an art class and found myself staring at a stunningly beautiful woman with healthy "assets" would I find it arousing? Of course. Would I decide I had to have this woman, my relationship be damned? Of course not. Would I look at my fiancee differently or with not as much attraction? NO. Would I expect my fiancee to not like knowing I was "turned on" by this naked woman? Of course. Am I starting to answer my own questions?? LOL. But the ultimate question is would I tell her that I'd found it arousing? And would she really want to know? I think I DO need to know the answer to that question regarding her and this male model or I'll just keep being tortured wondering. If she is turned on by this enormous penis I might feel stung but at least that could open up a discussion.

 

I don't believe the old penis/breast size comparisons are completely valid though. They're false equivalencies. While bigger breasts can be "fun for a weekend," they're not the "main attraction" that the penis is. I know, I know, the penis is only PART of sexual satisfaction, but it IS the main event, so to speak. A truly equal comparison would be a guy modeling with his wang hanging out and a woman modeling totally spread eagle and giving the entire class full view of her vagina. I don't think my fiancee would enjoy knowing I was staring between another woman's legs for a couple hours at a time.

 

I suppose the exact equal comparison is: that penis is HUGE! vs. that vagina looks incredibly TIGHT!

[scotty2422]

Also just had a crazy thought. Maybe I'm wrong about her past and she HAS had one or a few well-endowed lovers, which matters not to me (honestly), and this was sort of an unexpected "reminder" after 5+ years of being with me and Mr. Average Willie? See how badly I'm dwelling on this??? LOL.

[Firiel]

There are two options.

 

1) The giant penis made her feel JUST awkward. It was weird, too large, and it drew too much attention to the nether regions which only made her feel akward (in the same way I feel awkward when I sometimes see girls with a REALLY huge rack, though as I'm a girl myself, the comparison is lacking). In this case, there is no problem. She probably just didn't mention it earlier because she didn't want to bother you about some stranger's junk, but then it slipped out.

 

2) The giant penis made her feel awkward because she was somewhat aroused by it. As you already said, it's a natural reaction that you would probably have if drawing a beautiful nude woman. The fact that she feels awkward about it means she doesn't LIKE feeling attraction for someone besides you which is a good sign. Maybe she was feeling somewhat guilty (even though she didn't do anything) for dwelling on this penis, so she told you so it could be out in the open. Perhaps she shouldn't have told you if this was the case, but it was probably mentioned with good intentions.

 

Either way, you obsessing over it won't do anything. Either way, she is dating you and doesn't really care to date some stranger with a big dong. If it is important, talk to her about it, but I feel like forcing her to admit she is attracted to another man might harm the relationship more than just letting it be.

[scotty2422]

I think you're exactly right, Firiel. And even if option 2 turns out to be the truth, I honestly think I could handle that. Like I said earlier, if I was sitting in a classroom drawing a voluptuous woman I'm sure I would feel...something. And that something would most likely be, "Wow, she's unbelievable." And I also think I would feel some appropriate guilt over those feelings. And I also don't think it would "ruin" me for my fiancee as far as attraction. You have no idea how much better this post has made me feel. You guys are all great and supportive and thank you for not simply "coming down" on me for being an insecure idiot. Whether my bad feelings about this are justified or not they ARE real and I've been truly struggling with them for a solid week.

 

If my girl, whom I love deeply and I know is going to be with me for the rest of my life, found herself attracted to the sight of this guy's bod and his more-than-impressive penis I guess I have no choice but to deal with it. I don't think I'm weird or wrong or an a-hole for being bothered by it, I think it's normal human emotion, but how I choose to handle it going forward is what matters. I still WANT to talk to her about it, but maybe it's not just me who needs it out in the open, especially if you're Option 2 is the actual truth. Maybe she's just as worked up over this and isn't avoiding the topic because she wants me to back off while she pursues a huge dong but because she feels bad, too. I know she loves me to death but if she has unexpectedly found herself physically attracted to something I have no shot at competing with, just the mere hint of me knowing about this attraction might make her just as nervous about talking about it as I am. She did say during the one and only time she mentioned his penis that, besides making her "uncomfortable," it "wasn't good" and she didn't want to see other guys' wangs. At the time I think I just brushed that off as trying to make me not worry, or think, about it anymore. So during the course of the week I interpreted that as just b.s. to close the subject from further discussion.

 

And then, of course, there's always the hope that the truth actually is Option 1.

[Firiel]

I'm glad you're feeling better. Remember, if she actually wanted to pursue Mr. Penis, she probably wouldn't have mentioned him to you.

 

Also, I feel like this could make an interesting sit-com episode.

[scotty2422]

Hahaha....Two and a Half Man? Get it? Man, not Men? Get it?? Bwaahahahahaha....ok, I'm a dork.

[velvette]

are you serious?? I'm an artist, as is my boyfriend, and we draw naked people to better understand FORM. we also draw clothed people, but you need to start off with naked people first to understand how the clothes sit on top of the solid structure underneath. in NO way shape or form are we ever turned on by models, even though we've encountered MANY different models throughout our 4 years of college together (3 hours a week MINIMUM, some classmates go for extra life drawing, and do 3 hours a DAY or more). I've seen some huge penes, and if it made me 'uncomfortable' it would be because it's weird! most commonly male models have shrunken, unobtrusive things since they're naked and colder than the rest of the people in the room, so that you barely even notice it's a penis. when it's large, then you see it's a penis and it's kinda weird. just like some women will have large vulva and when they bend over in certain positions it's kind of weird since you're not used to noticing those things. but all in all it's the same as drawing any other object, you focus more on shadows/light/structure/form while drawing than the actual overall look/function of an object. sure when we first start life-drawing (as highschool kids!) there's immature giggles and whispering, but when you attend school and get used to it, it really becomes just "business", another part of what you need to learn to become a better artist.

 

if you are still wondering what's going on through her head, ask her! as the first person who replied said, you should build a foundation of clear communication. yes it was bad of her to keep it in her head for 24 hours before telling you, but at least she did tell you. and if you ask to see the work she'll show you, wouldn't she?

[scotty2422]

Good perspective, velvette, thanks.

 

I get the logic of art class decorum, I really do. And it all makes perfect sense. I hope I didn't come accross as somehow "accusing" her of doing wrong by not telling me that very night as soon as I walked in the door about the model. That's just a specific thing that's bugging me I guess, because the waiting and then the blurting of "giant penis" was awfully unexpected and disconcerting at the time. In a perfect world I would have liked her to have shown me her drawing and let me see it for what it was without comment and then I could have brought the size of his member up if I saw it as unusually large. Or even she could have made some crack about it as I was looking at her work.

 

"Giant Penis." Those words have been floating through my brain for a week. Because I don't have a Giant Penis. And even though she's never indicated I don't satisfy her sexually, I don't really know her true feelings toward the Giant Penis.

[velvette]

then ask, by all means! is she not your best friend and confidant? as humans we can't read each other's minds, but at least we have words to communicate as far as possible!