What else is left to do??

[r0ckox]

My story is a very long one, and I'm not going to type out every detail. I've done that before, and got the same answers. I'm only posting this again because I'd like some advice on what my next move should be. I'm going to keep it as short as possible, and not go into every little detail.

 

I guess this goes here? Don't know where else to put it.

 

7 years ago I met a girl online, we met in person a little while later, "dated" for a month, and I broke up with her.

We went a year NC, and then on her own she decided to call me up one night randomly telling me that she couldn't forget about me, and we basically patched things up. Since then, we've pretty much been doing nothing with each other. She had dated 2 people after me, but during the course of the last 5-6 years or so, whenever we'd hang out we'd hook up, and a window to get back together was always left open.

 

Over the years I had my reasons for not doing much about it, and leaving said window open. I don't want to get into that, because this post is to specifically look at the facts, not thoughts or feelings.

 

Back in 2009, a few months after she broke up with her most recent ex, we had been talking every now and then, and hooked up a couple times, so after giving it some thought, I decided that I was going to try and work things out whole-heartedly and try and get that window that was always left open, to turn into something. It appeared as if she wanted the same. She had always made little comments about here and there about getting back together, so I figured lets give it a try.

 

From September 09 until about April 10, she was extremely confusing to me. We had 1 or two talks about actually starting the relationship, but it never seemed to get going. Whenever I'd try and talk to her and get her point of view, she'd avoid the conversation leaving me confused and not knowing how to go about things.

We'd only hang out once or, if i was lucky, twice a month, where we really didn't do much.

(If you are REALLY that interested in getting the play-by-play, the long version; i can provide a link to a post on these forums which I posted back in August.)

Every time I'd initiate trying to hang out with her, she'd either say no, never offer for another time, or we'd TRY and make it happen, but something was always come along and mess it up and at the last second (always on her end) she'd tell me she cant make it.

For a long time I was feeling like she wasn't really interested, because she never put in the effort.

 

Once april 10 came around, I knew that she had been hanging out with some guy who she dubbed as her "new best friend" - and ultimately I thought that was one of the reasons there was never any progress between us. (At this point, we were "talking" for 9 months) She had became close with him in January of 2010, and from then until april, I hadn't seen her once. I had made the effort, but she never bothered to really try.

Her birthday came around, and she told me she wanted to see me for it. I was excited because I'd finally get to see her.

Low and behold, it didn't happen because she spent it with her guy-friend, and lied to me about it.

I eventually caught the lie thanks to facebook.

 

I had written her a letter via email, an angry one, and explained what was my half of the time we spent talking (summer 09-what was now spring 10) and told her that our friendship was over.

I just couldn't take it anymore at that point. We had been talking on a daily basis for 9 months, there was an obvious mutual interest between us, and every time I wanted to get her point of view on what it was she wanted, or why there was no progress between us, I never really got any answers - and I was upset. I was upset that I had gone this long trying to work things out with someone who has no real interest in doing anything with me. All I ever wanted was a "Yes I'm interested" or a "I don't want a relationship right now." and I would've been fine. But instead she closed herself out and wouldn't talk to me like an adult.

I felt like she didn't really care, like I had. I explained this thoroughly in my letter. The letter is actually pretty bad, and if anyone would read it, I'm sure they'd ask me what the hell I was doing trying to work things out with this girl for so long.

 

So anyway, she never responded to the letter, like I had expected. She has a history of running away from confrontation, and almost never engages in any sort of conversation that has any "feelings" or emotions or anything.

About a month after I had sent the letter, I came online after visiting a friend's house only to find a missed IM from her, which only posted a sad-face. I was confused, because I had thought that if she had tried to get in touch with me again, maybe I'd get something more than just a stupid looking sad AIM face. I replied back with a question mark, and the next day she responded telling me that my letter was still bothering her, and she wanted to clear things up knowing that she wasn't being truthful with me about everything, but saw "no real use in wanting to" after all that "hurtful stuff I said to her" - My reply to that stated that everything in my letter was 100% true, and her failure to communicate with me is the reason this all happened.

She told me she wanted to set up a meet where we can sit down, talk, and she can give me her "full attention" and so on. I agreed, thinking that maybe she's thought it through and wanted to turn things around.

 

Later that night, she called me and we spoke for a little while on the phone. When she asked me if I wanted to do it in person, I said yes - but we ended up talking on the phone instead, because she tried to turn the tables and threaten if I couldnt do it on the phone then there was no point in talking. (to which I should have said, you're right, there's no point and hung up, but didn't because I thought maybe she actually had something to say.)

 

I was kind of upset that she failed to follow through with her plans, but I let it slide.

A week or two later we had what I would have dubbed our first "emotional talk" where she actually responded. She ended up telling me that she's "soo sorry she hurt me" that it kills her to know how badly she's done so, and that I mean the world to her even though she never showed me.

I felt like things were going to pick up a little bit, she's finally admitting SOMETHING. Gave me SOMETHING to work with.

Over the course of the next month, we only saw each other once, where we spent 30 minutes in my car just catching up. Afterwards, she sent me a text telling me she was glad she got to see me, even if it was so short - and I tried to make future plans.

We had agreed to meet up a week later and hang out.

That day never came.

The day prior, I had gone out with some friends, and when we were in contact, I had told her I'd call her when I got home. I ended up staying out longer than I had expected, and sent her over a text message apologizing, explaining that I was out late, got held up for such-and-such reason and that I'd call the following afternoon.

No response.

 

I called the next day, no answer.

later that day, no answer.

texted her that night to see if she was okay.. no answer. (mind you, this is the day we planned to see each other.)

 

Clearly she was upset and was ignoring me. This is one of the things I absolutely hate about her. Instead of just saying "It bothers me that you didn't call me when you said you would" she just ignores me. She does this with everything. I've been ignored more times than I can even count in the last 2 years.

She finally got in touch with me the FOLLOWING day telling me that she tought I was lying about having to stay out later and just decided that I didn't want to talk to her.

Where she got this from, is beyond me.

I thought that wasn't fair. I still tried to get intouch with her and apologize for not calling, and I know she got my text, because she made reference to it.

 

And of course, when we spoke, there was no talk of making any plans to make up for the day. Not even an apology from her, or anything.

After thinking about it for a few days, I decided that this was it. I gave her a second chance by letting her come back into my life after my first letter, and clearly she hasn't changed her ways. It was right back to the very thing she knows I hate the most.

You mean to tell me that someone who honestly cares is going to keep pulling the same crap?

 

So I wrote her another letter. This time, it wasn't an angry one. The message was still the same though... that we had to cut the contact. I told her that I loved her, explained our past to her in full detail (because she had said she couldnt let go of the past earlier in the year), and ultimately wished her well.

 

I thought that was it. She couldn't possibly come back after that letter; and if she did, it had to mean something.

 

..She did. A month later.

 

She texted me telling me she missed me, and then sent me part of a text message I sent her back when we had our "emotional talk" I spoke of earlier. I asked her why she sent it, and she told me it was because that part bothered her, because I told her everything she wanted to hear, then "tore her apart" after it.

 

Low and behold, I let her back into my life again.

We never really talked much about the second letter, and she didn't exactly apologize for blowing me off again or anything, but I let it all slide. I was in love with the girl. She was the only girl I've ever wanted a relationship with, and although our past tells a different story, it's the truth. I hid my feelings for many years for my own reasons. She knows all this. Anyway, this was back in August 2010.

 

The only thing she's really given me was that she's "scared to get close" - and that she "thought it would be like it was last time" --- back in 2004........ 7 years ago....

That was as much elaboration as possible.

 

Since then, it's been about 5 months or so now, and we've still been p*ssy-footing around. Talking on the phone about nothing in particular, hanging out once a month, *if that* that is, and there's really been zero interest coming from her.

I've been trying my best to suppress my feelings, keep my mouth shut, and wait it out hoping that maybe one day I'll get that phone call or message that I've been waiting for, but the more and more I quietly wait, the more and more I realize it'll never come.

 

I've been trying to go out and meet other girls since. Trying to keep my mind off her, but it always goes back to the same thing.

She gets jealous every time another girls name pops up, or she hears one in the background while on the phone, or if she hears my cell phone beep in the background, and I just can't understand it. She gets pissy and jealous, but she's never here. Never shows interest in wanting to progress... I can take it slow, but I just wanted to see that she cared. I just wanted her to try a little bit. I've told her all this before.

 

My birthday was tuesday. I didn't see her, nor hear from her after she sent a happy bday text early in the morning. 3 weeks ago she wanted to know what "we're doing" for my birthday, and then when it came, I didn't hear from her at all and i was upset.

I was going to call her myself, but with the way things have gone.... I just don't think it would have mattered.

While I was out with my friends for my bday, I had texted a friend of mine about another girl I had met, and somehow the text got accidentally sent to her. (the first girl) -

I woke up the next day to a message saying

 

"...."

"Not a good thing to send to the wrong person."

 

Obviously she's pissed about it... but I don't understand why. Here's the conversation.

 

*after getting those 2 texts from her*

 

Me: Oh, sorry. I didn't realize that got sent to you, but just so we're clear.. last time I checked, you turned me down..and made it clear you don't want anything to do with me in that area, so although you getting that text was a mistake, I don't think there should be a problem?? I mean, it's not like you were here last night or anything, or have been here in the last year, so I don't understand? But whatever, get back to me whenever you wish.

 

Her: This time ur completely wrong, and ur a * * * * ing * * * * * * * .. I'm not even gonna bother replying to that. Go * * * * yourself.

 

Me: Whoa what? I'm an * * * * * * * ? I'm wrong? When was the last time you were here? November 2009. When was the last time you agreed to wanting anything to do with me like that? October 2009. Since then, you've shown me zero interest besides talking on the phone. I told you how I felt about you... did you tell me? No... and did you do anything since I told you? No. You only see me once a month, and the last 3 times I saw you it was only so I can look at dogs?

I'm sorry you got the wrong message, but you can't be mad at me and tell me its not a good thing to send to the wrong person because you've done nothing to make anything happen between us.... Yesterday was my birthday and did you try and get in touch with me to see what I was doing? No. I just don't get it?

 

Her: Yeah ur * * * * ing wrong, and here you go pushing me away again...and yes, I sent you messages and called you and you didn't get back to me!!!

 

Me: I got nothing except a happy bday text early in the AM. No call, no nothing. I have 2 phones, you didn't call my house. You didn't try very hard to reach me when you know how. I don't mean to sound like a * * * * and push you away, but look at the facts? (I mean the overall facts.)

 

Her: I called ur cell, i didnt know what you were doing, where u were, or who u were with.. I didnt wanna bother you but i figured you'd get back to me when you were free.

 

(That whole 'didnt know where i was, what i was doing, or who im with' is also the first time she's ever said that.. that's never mattered to her before.)

 

Me: I got no call. You should know by now that you don't bother me.. you always call both my phones and now out of left field you don't want to bother me?

 

^-- clearly I dont believe she tried to get in touch with me. I know her very well. She always calls both phones if I dont pick up one, and always sends me text messages a few hours after I dont respond. This whole "I dont wanna bother you" thing comes from out of nowhere, and I've never heard that before from her. (plus she's lied to me about that kind of thing in the past, which I've caught her for.)

 

Her: Idk, it was ur bday. I didnt know... u didnt get back to me so I figured you were busy.

 

Me: Cuz I got nothing. How can I get back to you if I didn't get a call? But thats not my point of this conversation, though. My point is that its been forever now.. I voiced my opinion to you and you basically did nothing, and it just doesn't seem like you ever will.. so what am I supposed to do? I had a big problem with the amount of time you chose to spend with me all last year, and since we've tried to fix our friendship, it's been the same thing ever since... as far as I'm concerned, we're just friends and that's all its ever going to be?? I backed off a while ago and I've since explained myself more than once.. I left it in your hands... when a girl has feelings for a guy, she usually wants to be with him, be around him, have him around her... but you dont show me the interest. I know you're "scared to get close" but the thing I dont get is that you never were until I tried to turn our friendship into something more.

Do I not have a right to feel this way? Do I not have a right to want some happiness in my life? I don't get it at all... I told you how I felt about you, and you never agreed to feeling the same, or anything... so do the math... am I really wrong??

 

She then stopped responding, so 5 hours later I sent her one last text so I could make her understand the full extent of where my "ranting" came from.

 

me: Look... my overall problem is that I just don't feel it from you, and I haven't for the last year and change... before that, (before we started talking again in summer 09) it was like you were a completely different person... you never seemed scared, always showed interest, and overall I was really happy being your friend... but now I'm not happy at all.

I always try and show you that I care for you, always say nice things when I get the chance, will drop anything for you right away, and I just don't get the same respect. I don't feel it anymore so I don't know how to act or what to do about it. I wait and wait when I know I shouldnt, and it just never comes... I feel like I have to suppress my feelings and keep my mouth shut and it's just not fair to me.

 

Low and behold, I haven't heard from her since.

I understand that the tone of my messages may be angry or hurtful... but it's really not. Had anyone been here in person, I was as calm as an old-man rocking away in his chair on the porch.

 

I don't know what else to do and some REAL advice would be helpful, other than "just go NC" -- I don't want her back anymore, but I just want to put an end to the confusion.

 

Sorry this was so long.

[pbsurf]

wow - she's toxic. you have to erase all signs of her in your life and move on. she's playing you like a wii boyfriend. sorry.

[engraved2008]

i m showing the same signs that m dealing with right now....with a guy i met online back in May 2008...dated long distance but failed into a break ,same 2 years window to get backtogether,then a break up official by phone,his feellings faded ,then he wanted to have a freindship with me.....im in a new relationship and this still bothers me to this day....he misses me ,but not enough to be together,cares about me,calls me sweetie,beautiful....its like a drog ,its toxic,he putted me through a pain that i do not wish to my worst enemy, changed the story blaming on me that i started to see some guy here after the break up so THATS WHY HE STARTED TO DATE LOCAL,WHEN I WAS VISITING THERE HE D FIND EXCUSES TO GO HOME DURING THE NIGHT,i wished i was dying during the break stages, anyway its been a while,he broke NC and randomely texts and callls........im trying to recover..... i realize im better off without him....this girl is toxic......will not let u live a normal relationship. in the present.......

[superfox]

Wow, what a waste of 7 years, so sorry. She's having her cake and eating the cake stall too. Get rid!

[r0ckox]

Clearly a waste. I called it back when we started 'talking' again -- but HOW do I get rid? I can't just ignore. Its not in my nature. I have to speak my mind....... yet I've done that plenty of times.

 

The hell do I do?

[johnm3]

no one can force their way into your life if you don't want them to. if she will continue to contact you, you NEED to ignore her, even if it's hard for you.

 

tell her that staying in contact is proving to be a huge distraction in your life and you'd like to leave your relationship in the past. any subsequent contact after that needs to be ignored, if you respond, then you are allowing yourself to be continually played.

[r0ckox]

*sigh*

 

As much as I hate to think that.. you're right. The problem is that Ive expressed those feelings and she STILL comes back... time after time. Thats why I don't get it.

Any normal person would just let me go, but she wont.... all I want is to figure out why.

 

 

[asthesparrow]

What do you do? Despite you thinking you can't just ignore - it's what you have to do.

She's spent the better half of SEVEN WHOLE YEARS ignoring YOU. It's your turn buddy.

Show her what she means to you now - NOTHING.

No texts, no calling, nothing.

 

Walk away and pretend it never happened, and open your heart to the rest of the beautiful women out there that would gladly have you chase them (and chase and chase and chase and then some).

 

Sorry you put up with this, but it's definitely gone on too long!

 

 

PS: The only "WHY" you need to know is that she is NOT interested. Girls' like this use you when they need to feel good, when they need an ego stroke, when they need to know that some guy out there still wants them. Why do you think she's been hot and cold FOREVER?

Drop her for the love of god!

[johnm3]

*sigh*

 

As much as I hate to think that.. you're right. The problem is that Ive expressed those feelings and she STILL comes back... time after time. Thats why I don't get it.

Any normal person would just let me go, but she wont.... all I want is to figure out why.

 

 

 

because actions speak louder than words. you say you want to move on, and then when she contacts you you're showing no signs of actually wanting to move on. she knows you're not serious just as you know you're not serious about moving on.

 

but seriously man, you need to leave this girl in the past if you want to experience any sort of happiness in the future; she's doing a great job of draining it for going on 7 years

 

it's time for change, take comfort in the fact you don't have a choice.

[r0ckox]

This.

 

That's what I wanted.

 

Atta-boy. You helped put it in perspective.

 

I respect that response, and I can promise you I'm going to live up to that.

[asthesparrow]

This.

 

That's what I wanted.

 

Atta-boy. You helped put it in perspective.

 

I respect that response, and I can promise you I'm going to live up to that.

 

 

I'm sorry if it was kind of harsh but this is the kind of thing that needs to be screamed at you (and anyone in this position) from such a short distance that the words ring in your ears for days after. You know what I mean?

I chased someone for four years that was hot and cold. I was told by countless people that "He's just not into you, or else he would be WITH YOU" but of course did I ever once believe it? Oh, but he called me last night to say he was thinking of me... He must love me.....

NO! He wanted to make sure I was still hanging on (BY A THREAD) so that I am going to be there when he needs me!

 

Of course I didn't even get over him after close friends basically slapped me about the head saying LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE! I eventually came to my own conclusion that I should date someone who actually has time for me. That lives up to his promises. That doesn't play games.

 

I wish you the best of luck man. You sound like a good catch with a big heart. Don't waste it

[FootofGod]

I think you're too old to be interested in dating girls like this. How long ago was high school? From what I know, I'm with you on pretty much everything you said, but honestly you don't owe her an explanation if you think you're right and she's obviously not going to listen to it anyway, so just tell her it's your business, she had unimaginable chances and decided to play around, and cut her out and don't look back. Any extra words are falling upon deaf ears.

[r0ckox]

You're 100% right... and listen, I'm sorry I said "atta-boy" thinking you were a guy. I'm assuming now, that you're a girl. Your profile doesn't say, but based on your response I just assumed.

 

An as$ out of you and me, I suppose.

 

But again, I respect your replies. You've put things in a perspective I've already seen. I called this crap 2 weeks into the situation, but overall thought "If I give it some time, maybe it'll turn around."

 

Guess I was an idiot.

 

I appreciate and applaud your answers.

 

As for "footofgod"

 

I too, applaud your answer.

I am too old for this crap. The thing is, it's not about highschool... it's about the fact that over the years, she was the only girl who presented herself with a head on her shoulders. She spent years "chasing me all around" and when I tried to turn it into something, she all of a sudden turned cold.

She won't listen. I don't owe her an explanation, but I feel like I have to anyway, because I literally CANT walk away from someone, or something without saying something about it.

 

She had more than enough time.

 

Thank you.

[FootofGod]

Yeah, funny how I thought my ex was one of the few girls who had a head on her shoulders, too. Boy was I wrong! Worst of the worst. I was born too old for this crap. I guess we just have to accept that we were duped this time.

[r0ckox]

Agreed.

 

Life goes on brother-man.

 

Here's to it. *takes shot*

 

Salute.

[r0ckox]

because actions speak louder than words. you say you want to move on, and then when she contacts you you're showing no signs of actually wanting to move on. she knows you're not serious just as you know you're not serious about moving on.

 

but seriously man, you need to leave this girl in the past if you want to experience any sort of happiness in the future; she's doing a great job of draining it for going on 7 years

 

it's time for change, take comfort in the fact you don't have a choice.

 

Thank you, sir.

 

That helped.

[rosarioT]

wow the answers u got here are exactly what i needed right now since I'm in a similar situation... I guess when people go NC and they don't hear form the ex, they suffer but they keep it real, but when u try to go NC and the ex is there trying to control u, not letting u go, manipulating u... it is just hard... it takes guts to stay NC, to not believe their bs, to stay strong and not give in... u got great advices here... i like when people say it like it is... best of luck