I need to be dead more than anything - but guilt is keeping me trapped...as ever

[DarkSoul]

I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate my family. I hate humanity and all who are part of it. It disgusts me, it disgusts me to BE human, it disgusts and sickens me that I continue to exist.

 

It was just made clear to me by my sister that I am an inconvenient burden on my parents, I'm a * * * * up and I am useless. She is right. I'm a worthless piece of * * * * , so much so that my previous suicide attempts have all failed.

 

A few months ago I moved back in with my parents because of another severe depression episode that occurred while I was over working myself. A doctor ordered time off. I realized a lot of my stress was coming from WHERE I was working and with whom. All i have ever wanted is to be alone, forever, with my dogs and my parrot, and to write. That is all I want. I hate people, I hate being around them, I hate how much effort they put into making others feel like * * * * . I hate my life, I hate this world, I should have tried harder to kill myself before.

 

In the last year I've been in the ER twice - once because of an overdose followed by seizures, another time because of a self induced cut that continued to bleed after 4 hours of pressure. Both were suicide attempts, and obviously since I'm a worthless failure both failed.

 

I just can't deal with my head anymore. I know I am intelligent - before I dropped out of school I consistently got honours, even when I showed up to class only twice a week and missed assignments (usually group ones, because I can't deal with people).

 

About 4 an ex boyfriend (the first person I was ever really in love with, and the last) tried to kill me. He poisoned me. I wish he had succeeded. Anyway, during our relationship he regularly drugged me (this is likely the only reason I actually thought I felt love) and would use that time to convince me he was great and I loved him and all that crap. It only ended when I guess he gave me too much or too little, I freaked, I ran away from him and called a friend to come get me. She could visibly see that I was drugged. I continued to see him for a week after that, then broke it off. He lied to me with every word the whole time we were together.

 

I can't keep relationships going. The only one long term relationship I have is with my best friend from high school, who I met because I noticed from afar that she seemed very sad...and simply asked her one day if she was okay. We've been friends ever since. Last year when I tried to commit suicide she told me she didn't want to hear my * * * * anymore or deal with my problems or have anything to do with me while I was depressed. She was not that brutal of course, but that was how I interpreted it just because of my emotional state. Things are better with us and I love her to death and always will.

 

Since then I have completely lost what little trust I had in people. My friend and I are talking again, she realizes what she said was hurtful and I forgive her. But I cannot confide in anyone, i cannot seek help, I cannot trust. I just want to die. THere is nothing for me in this world.

 

As a child I was verbally and physically abused by my parents. at 13 they forced me to have plastic surgery. They wanted to do it again, so I ran away.

 

at 7 I was molested by my cousin. At 14 I had an older man try to rape me in the woods - I ran away. Shortly after I was molested and started down the rape path so to speak by a man in Cuba. The guards came about luckily.

 

I hurt people. Because I cannot form attachments, other people become attached to me and then I leave them because I simply don't feel it and start to tire of their need for attention. I would be happy if I could just be alone, live far from my family and far from them all with my dogs. Then it would be fine.

 

AS things are I can't do it. I can't live. I'm cutting again, but I am sick of the scars and in the end reducing my arms to ribbons doesn't get me anywhere. I can't keep drinking all the time to manage these feelings. I don't like being a lonely drunk. I don't know what to do except to end it all,once and for all...once I figure out what will happen to my animals. Because in the end they are all I care about. I hate myself and everyone else. I wish I was killed on the street by a criminal, at least then they couldnt continue to blame and hate me after my death.

 

I'm so sorry if this is repetitive or disjointed or stupid and unfounded. My mind is numb right now and I'm finding it difficult to string words together. I don't know what I expect. I just had to get it out.

 

Kudos to anyone who has read the whole thing

[Waffles1]

Hi,

 

I read the whole thing. I went online today a googled stuff to see how to kill myself and ended up on this. I didnt have an account but I wanted to reply to what you said.

 

I abused and lots of stuff too. I wont bore you with details. But I see on these things about randomers who post of peoples threads saying I want you to live and I didnt understand that.... like they dont know them what does it matter? But here I am wanting to tell you that I want you to live. Maybe I am being selfish and I want you to live so there is some hope for me. I dont know. But we seem very simular, so its nice to know you are out there. Please stay

[DarkSoul]

Maybe we should talk. Maybe it would help. Message me if you want, I would love to help you even if I cannot help myself

[Eckilrack]

you see people want other people to live because if they kill themselves thats a good person gone down the wrong past. I know what you mean about hating people and hating life because I have been through the same kind of feelings and i'm only a teenager. I almost did try to kill myself but then I realized that there maybe another way. I don't really know if you care but I have recently realizedb(due to people on these forums that death is not the answer. The first thing you need to do is try to get off the alchohol. Eveentually without it you may have a different outlook on life. Just remember: if you kill yourself you are not going along the correct road.