Lady Rashomon Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was just listening to a radio show whose guest was a prominent sex therapist. According to her, people that we are sexually attracted to from the get-go usually do not work out as long-term relationships...sort of the flash in the pan thing. They ignite fast and then fade fast. I'm wondering what to make of this (especially since my sole long-term relationship was severely lacking in the sexual chemistry department). Seems like kind of a bleak assessment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnm3 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 obviously these gross generalizations will not apply to all instances because human behavior is altered by infinite variables... on average, she's probably right, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I don't think that that's entirely true. Attraction definitely plays a key role in the beginning, however, their personality as a whole makes up the remainder of the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 According to her, people that we are sexually attracted to from the get-go usually do not work out as long-term relationships...sort of the flash in the pan thing. They ignite fast and then fade fast.. I would say there is some merit in that statement, but it's different for everyone. For many, that statement holds true and things ended quickly, but for some lucky individuals, the relationship lasted long term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauxly Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think what happens is that when we are massively sexually attracted, we overlook character differences that eventually bust up the relationship once the chemical high of attraction fades. When we fall slowly in love based on emotional comparability we fall into something more authentic and its likely to last longer. However, you can get really lucky and find yourself emotionally and intellectualy compatible with that hot thing that knocks yer socks off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think it's been proven scientifically that the endorphins we get when we fall inlove and have that "eros" or sexual attraction only last for so long. After that, if there's nothing else to sustain the relationship, it can fizzle out. Probably why so many celebrities are on to the next hottest thing after a year or so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakeItCount Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I agree with everyone else. Once the new and exciting wears off all you're left with is the actual personalities. I've witnessed this several times with people who think they're IN LOVE in the first couple of months. A friend is currently undergoing this, his gf is freaking out about incompatibility issues which were never "there" in the beginning. And then there's people who just don't know what they want, or assume the passion will be there forever (yes, im bitter haha) and break up. Such is life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think instant attraction is based mostly on excitement and mystery. So it makes sense the attraction would go away when the excitement and mystery do too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I was just listening to a radio show whose guest was a prominent sex therapist. According to her, people that we are sexually attracted to from the get-go usually do not work out as long-term relationships...sort of the flash in the pan thing. They ignite fast and then fade fast. I'm wondering what to make of this (especially since my sole long-term relationship was severely lacking in the sexual chemistry department). Seems like kind of a bleak assessment. I think you can be sexually attracted to someone from the get-go but not act on it because you are also attracted to them as a human being and are interested in getting to know them first, outside of the bedroom before sex comes into play. I suspect what she is referring to is the out of control sexual attraction which causes people to have sex on the first date or so before actually knowing anything more about the person. Immediate sexual attraction is not the part which is the problem..the problem is the lack of self-control..the "I want to get laid by this person right now" mind set which results in the focus being solely on the sexual attraction rather than on anything else about the person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I nailed my bf on the first date. We have been together 11 years. We were not in love for a long time, though. Real love develops slowly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think that can be true. Lust, that instant sexual attraction will fade and then you have to find out who that person really is and find out of you are even compatible as a couple. Some people jump into 'relationships' because of lust and then it fails because they don't actually "like" the person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think you can be sexually attracted to someone from the get-go but not act on it because you are also attracted to them as a human being and are interested in getting to know them first, outside of the bedroom before sex comes into play. I suspect what she is referring to is the out of control sexual attraction which causes people to have sex on the first date or so before actually knowing anything more about the person. Immediate sexual attraction is not the part which is the problem..the problem is the lack of self-control..the "I want to get laid by this person right now" mind set which results in the focus being solely on the sexual attraction rather than on anything else about the person. CAD, your explanation makes the most sense to me, actually. I've always personally been a fan of delayed gratification, so having a strong sexual attraction paired with the process of getting to know somebody better is a tactic that I've typically taken. For the record, I've met couples who felt instantly connected from the get-go, not just with the sexual attraction but intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, etc., and who allowed the relationship to develop slowly and naturally (pace also seems to be key to how quickly something fizzles out), so it was a slow and long burn. I do, however, think that sexual attraction plays a role in the longevity and success of a relationship--it's not the alpha and the omega, but sexual compatibility is a huge factor in how well a relationship plays out. Very shortly after meeting my husband, I realized that there was not a whole lot of sexual/physical attraction from my side, but the intellectual and emotional connection were strong enough for me to let that slide. I wish I'd looked at the relationship from all possible angles early on, however. It wasn't lust that compelled me to stay on a sinking boat--it was the fear that I wouldn't find someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PonytailFairy Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Since I do not feel *sexual* attraction but I feel emotional etc. attraction I cannot say anything else but I saw or felt something especial all of my boyfriends and one of those happenings last 14 years It is just "something" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swampyankee Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 My first encounter with my gf was a sexual one, so I pretty much fluffed it off as a one-time thing. But there was something about that girl that felt very comfortable. We met through our involvement in a trade association board and we started working together on it, and we saw that we made a great team. We spent alot of time together, and we both recognized that there was something that was just totally compatible outside the bedroom entirely. We were developing a romantic relationship right alongside our work relationship so I was worried that the lust thing would blow out and we'd be left with this awkward working relationship. I head-checked many times and asked someone who I was counseling with how I could tell if it was rebound or infatuation or something. Our relationship seems to have passed the "lust or love" test and 2-1/2 years later, we are engaged, and living as married. I think we have the perfect balance between best-friends and lovers despite the very sexual start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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