5 months after the BU, I finally did it...

[Oneironaut]

He has been toying with me for the last 5 months, pulling me back in just enough to keep me hanging in there, then pushing me away when we start to get close.

 

Well, today, I had had enough. He told me that we could NEVER be friends because I kept clinging to him (as if he had NOTHING to do with that), and to go away.

 

In my usual pathetic way, I said, "Alright, I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you change your mind and want to be friends again, you know where to find me. Take care. 8)"

 

Then I got to thinking...and started becoming angry. How dare he end this on HIS terms, yet again? For a year and a half, I was told that I was the only woman for him, the best thing to ever happen to him, that he'd never make the mistake of breaking up with me again. He asked me to marry him, we were planning on moving in together (we're LD), he told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Then, something in him changed, and he decided he wanted to be "polyamorous", to put it simply.

 

So he broke up with me on August 7, but continued daily contact. Long distance friends with benefits, basically. And being the idiot that I am, I hoped he would fall for me again, even though he warned me it wouldn't happen. Then, in November, he hooked up with several women online, and calls them his "pets". Stupidly, I kept thinking I could win him back, even though the contact was now becoming fewer and further between.

 

I won't go into details of what caused the latest round of, "leave me alone" from him, but basically, he toyed with me, then got angry when I told him it was obvious he still had feelings for me.

 

So I sat here for a while today, getting angrier and angrier, and finally, I decided that I'd had enough. It's been 2 years this month since we met, and 5 months since we broke up, and I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. So, I wrote him a message on AIM that was guaranteed to make sure he never, ever contacts me again. Some of you are going to think this is harsh, but if you knew the emotional abuse I've dealt with over the last year, you'd think I was being too nice. And no, I'm generally not an angry person, but he has a way of bringing out the worst in me. Friends and family all tell me I've changed since I met him, and NOT for the better.

 

Anyhow, here it is:

 

"You know what, * * * * that. If we're truly going to end, I might as well tell you the TRUTH: You SUCK as a boyfriend, and as a human being. You don't adore women, you * * * * ing despise them. You set them up to fail, because YOU are such a failure, you need to bring them down to your level.

 

As for this latest crap, my 'last' chance, you knew goddamn well I still had feelings for you, and you did things you KNEW would * * * * with my head...calling me sexy, cyber-snuggling...you KNEW what that behavior would do to me, and then, when it WORKED, you played the 'outraged' ex-boyfriend and got your panties in a wad. Why? Because you are an emotional * * * * ing sadist, you have such a miserable life that you get OFF on making other people as miserable as you are.

 

Well, guess what, mother- * * * * er? Your prediction of oh-so long ago was wrong: YOU DIDN'T BREAK ME. But, you WERE right a long time ago when you said you didn't deserve me. You don't, because I finally see you now for what you REALLY are: A toxic, lying, bipolar, narcissistic, * * * * * * * , -cowardly- FREAK who is so afraid of the real world that you are huddling in your LITTLE BROTHER'S basement, making a career out of playing video games, being a pathetic online sexual predator, treating women like * * * * all because your mommy didn't give you enough attention as a kid, and whacking off your needle * * * * while acting like some big, important man when in reality, you are a sad LITTLE man who will NEVER amount to anything. EPIC * * * * ING FAIL, LOSER. Take care. "

 

Goodbye, J...and good riddance. I am finally moving on.

[The_Seeker]

YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!

 

Stay strong!

[johnm3]

hahaha

 

your last message wasn't cruel in my opinion, and even if it was, who cares? as long as you're 100% positive you don't want to speak to him again (which you definitely shouldn't based on my understanding of this guy) then it doesn't matter what you say.

 

now for the start of the new beginning without that emotional leech on your ass

[Oneironaut]

Thank you, Seeker. I feel...good, like the poison is finally leaving my system. All this anger I've been building up...it felt good to let it out. 8)

[The_Seeker]

Thank you, Seeker. I feel...good, like the poison is finally leaving my system. All this anger I've been building up...it felt good to let it out. 8)

 

That's how I felt when I kept on feeling the guilt that I carried from my ex. Realizing it wasn't my fault when I really want to communicate and compromise. So i did tough it out when things get tough and he didn't. LOL Which made me gain so much respect for myself.

 

Go Seeker Go Seeker Go!

[Oneironaut]

Yes, johnm3, if you knew our history, you'd know that everyone in my life hates him for the cruel things he has done to me emotionally...all I can say, I will never look down my nose at women in abusive relationships again. You don't even know you're there until you're roped in, and almost unable to think about leaving. It's easy for those on the outside to say, "Just leave!" but if it TRULY were that easy, domestic violence wouldn't be such an issue in our society.

 

Thank you for your support, and yes...I feel as if I'm starting out on a new path, one that is in the sunshine instead of the darkness. 8)

[Oneironaut]

That's how I felt when I kept on feeling the guilt that I carried from my ex. Realizing it wasn't my fault when I really want to communicate and compromise. So i did tough it out when things get tough and he didn't. LOL Which made me gain so much respect for myself.

 

Go Seeker Go Seeker Go!

 

OMG, I know what you mean about guilt...even today, he was telling me that the fact that he didn't want to be friends was MY fault for not being able to let go. In fact, he blamed the entire breakup on me, even though of course, it wasn't ALL my fault.

 

Yes, finally standing up to him and telling him what was really on my mind has made me feel SO much better about MYSELF...wow...I didn't even know I could feel this way anymore. For the last year I have begged and pleaded with him for one reason or another..please don't be mad, please don't give me the silent treatment, please don't break up with me, please come back to me...NO MORE. Ever again.

 

Three cheers for us!!

[The_Seeker]

OMG, I know what you mean about guilt...even today, he was telling me that the fact that he didn't want to be friends was MY fault for not being able to let go. In fact, he blamed the entire breakup on me, even though of course, it wasn't ALL my fault.

 

Yes, finally standing up to him and telling him what was really on my mind has made me feel SO much better about MYSELF...wow...I didn't even know I could feel this way anymore. For the last year I have begged and pleaded with him for one reason or another..please don't be mad, please don't give me the silent treatment, please don't break up with me, please come back to me...NO MORE. Ever again.

 

Three cheers for us!!

 

=] Hip hip hooray!

[fwdthinker]

Now block him from aim and don't look back!

[Oneironaut]

Now block him from aim and don't look back!

 

Yes, he blocked on AIM, on Skype, on IMVU, on Starcraft 2, a game we used to play together, and I have blocked the 2 email addresses that I know of. If he writes me from a different address, I'll delete it without reading as I truly have no interest in anything he has to say.

 

No looking back, only forward.

 

I just got home from the store...while I was driving along, I suddenly just started shouting, "I'm free, I'm finally * * * * ing free!" and then I started crying...but it was a completely different kind of crying than what I've been doing for so long now. I don't know how to describe it...but it wasn't sadness, other than maybe a tiny bit sad of having lost something that was, at one time, incredible...no, it was more like, a surge of emotion. Not sadness or happiness, maybe more like relief. Sorry, my mind isn't thinking clearly so the words are kind of escaping me.

 

Thank you to everyone for your support. I was afraid I'd get slammed for the cruelty of that message, especially some of the pointed insults at the end, but I wanted to hurt him, the way he has hurt me, and after 2 years, you get to know a person's weaknesses. Yeah, I know, it wasn't the "high road", but who wants to ALWAYS take the high road? Sometimes, the low road is way more fun.

[johnm3]

I think the high road is important if your ex is respectable... if they're a waste of human life, then it doesn't matter.

[Oneironaut]

Well, I rode the wave of adrenaline as far as I could last night, then, around midnight, I crashed hard, lol...started crying quite hard and couldn't seem to stop. Luckily I had a friend who was willing to talk to me on the phone and walk me through it...he hates my ex, but he knew how much time and emotional effort I had put into this relationship.

 

Today I woke up feeling like I have a hangover...headachey, tired, sore throat...that being said, however, I do not regret what I wrote. Obviously it had been bottled up for quite some time, and it was time to let it out.

 

I guess what I feel sad for is that I'm an optimistic person who tries to see the good in everyone. When we first met, my ex was NOT like this. Yeah, he had that "dark, goth" thing going on, vampires and death and dark fetishes, but it didn't consume him. We were opposites, and that's what attracted us to each other. And for one year, I truly believe I brought light and happiness into his life...he told me so on many occasions.

 

But this past year, he started sinking into this pit of darkness...he had dark fantasies that I believed he understood should stay in the realm of "fantasy only", but, he started wanting to make them a reality. And that's all he does now, is use women he meets online to satisfy his dark lusts. And apparently, there is no shortage of them, which is kind of sad, but, to each their own. I told him recently that there was more to life than lust, and he replied, "Not really." I don't know what made him that way, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

 

So I realized this morning that what I feel bad about is that somewhere underneath all that darkness and anger, I believe there is still a scared little boy who just wants someone to love him unconditionally. When I went to Canada to meet him in October of 2009, we spent 5 wonderful days together. Our last night, though, we were thoroughly miserable. I remember him telling me that he was going to stay awake all night, because he didn't want to miss a moment of being with me.

 

But around 3 in the morning, he was starting to nod off, so I wrapped my arms around him, pulled his head against my chest, kissed his forehead and told him to go to sleep. He mumbled that he wasn't going to, then was out cold within a couple of minutes, lol...later, he told me that never in his life had he felt as warm and protected as he did that night, and that it made him feel closer to me than anyone.

 

THAT is the man I kept hoping was going to come back to me...THAT is the man that I feel bad for hurting with my message, especially the stuff at the end. I don't know what happened to that guy, and maybe he's gone forever, but I wrote the message because I realized I was waiting for him to reappear, and he's not going to any time soon, if ever. I truly think it's possible that he's so far gone now, he'll spend the rest of his life this way.

 

Anyhow, thanks again to everyone who gave me their support. Hopefully, I will meet someone soon who deserves the love and devotion I have to offer. Until then, I have to start trying to get over some of the residue of his emotional abuse, which usually comes out in the form of panicking when someone is trying to explain something to me, and I'm having difficulty understanding. My ex would start berating me, and calling me an effing retard, so as soon as I get into that situation, I kind of panic and just want to run away (and no, he wasn't always like that, only this past year). I also have to work on learning to trust again, because as it stands right now, the next man who tells me "forever" is most likely going to be laughed at.

[MissyMolly]

"THAT is the man I kept hoping was going to come back to me..."

Yes, I hear you. The sad truth is that this man was a mirage. THAT is why we hang on for far longer than we should with a toxic narcissist. ( I am still DE-tangling MYSELF from such a relationship, one day, and one journal entry at a time.)

What is so beautiful about your final message to him is that you took all the toxic crap that he had dumped on YOU for so long, and dumped it right back in his lap.

This is a bold move. And can only be done when you have indeed had enough. THen, making ABSOLUTE certain that he cannot come back in for another go at you is the key to this manuever. And it sounds like you have taken steps to ensure he cannot get back in.

But know this - it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but there may be a time in the future when he finds a way to come back in for SOMETHING. Be prepared for this.

I have not done the this fabulous dumping of his toxic crap yet to MY narci, and I am in day 14 (YAY!) of NC. I am trembling every day wondering if TODAY is the day he starts creeping around again - sniffing around again for an "in".

Good for you for giving all his "trash" back. It is indeed a very empowering moment.

[Oneironaut]

"THAT is the man I kept hoping was going to come back to me..."

Yes, I hear you. The sad truth is that this man was a mirage. THAT is why we hang on for far longer than we should with a toxic narcissist. ( I am still DE-tangling MYSELF from such a relationship, one day, and one journal entry at a time.)

 

Aw, you have my sympathies, seriously...I did hang on far, FAR longer than I should have, and it only made things worse. It's very much like an addiction, isn't it?? We keep thinking to ourselves than we can stop anytime we want, but the actual act is far, far more difficult than the words.

 

What is so beautiful about your final message to him is that you took all the toxic crap that he had dumped on YOU for so long, and dumped it right back in his lap.

This is a bold move. And can only be done when you have indeed had enough.

 

Wow...thank you for those words...I'm happy to say that not a single person in my life has condemned me for what I wrote him. You're absolutely right...I took all the poison he had fed me for the past year and threw it right back in his face. I'm NOT a mean person, and I DO feel bad for what I said, but as my friend said last night, I really acted out in emotional self-defense. Yes, I had finally had enough, and those who haven't been in a relationship with a bipolar narcissist have NO IDEA what it's like to finally reach that point. It's liberating and terrifying...

 

 

THen, making ABSOLUTE certain that he cannot come back in for another go at you is the key to this manuever. And it sounds like you have taken steps to ensure he cannot get back in.

 

That I have, I even found another website today where he and I used to chat, and blocked him there. I truly have no interest in his nasty retaliation speech.

 

But know this - it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but there may be a time in the future when he finds a way to come back in for SOMETHING. Be prepared for this.

 

*Nods*

 

That's what my friends are saying, too...that even though I threw the "little brother's basement", "your mommy didn't give you enough attention as a kid", and "your needle * * * * " things in his face, which probably induced a near-murderous rage, he'll be back at some point.

 

All I can say is, I honestly do not know how to prepare for that...I can't even begin to think about what I would do if that happened, to be honest.

 

I have not done the this fabulous dumping of his toxic crap yet to MY narci, and I am in day 14 (YAY!) of NC. I am trembling every day wondering if TODAY is the day he starts creeping around again - sniffing around again for an "in".

Good for you for giving all his "trash" back. It is indeed a very empowering moment.

 

It was, thank you. And I know what you mean about the "trembling"...some people would think we're being melodramatic, I suppose, but that pretty much sums it up.

 

I sincerely hope you can find the strength to stay NC...please PM me if you want to talk. It sounds like we have a lot in common, in an unfortunate way.

[IsThisIt]

Way to go Oneironaut! I totally know what feeling you are talking about -- a strong sense of relief, of freedom from misery inflicted by another... sometimes when we make something explicit, it becomes more salient to us, as if the very act of communication changes things by enacting itself. Part of the sadness associated with these protracted breakups is this paradox of feeling so upset about someone, and yet desiring them-- there is a lot of cognitive dissonance associated with desiring what we believe to be bad. As a result, even though we are intensely feeling those negative emotions, the association of those emotions with the person is distorted in our unconsciousness, such that we misidentify them and believe that they are associated with *missing* that person. What was great about your message to him was that you explicitly recognized that *he* was the cause of your pain and anger, not the *absence* of him. And with that one move, you can finally move past and resolve your feelings of desire for attachment, and be free.

[IsThisIt]

Oh, and as for the return of the tears... that is normal. You've wanted to be with him for a long time, even though that desire was inflected through intense emotionally conflict. Now that you have made it possible to truly be free of him and that desire, you can now, for perhaps the first time, truly mourn the loss of him-- or really, the loss of that unrequited desire that has been so important to you for so long. But this is when the real healing begins. And I suspect every day you will feel better and better, and it really will be sooner than you think before you are feeling totally great. I'd give it 2 weeks at the most, if you are anything like me.

[Oneironaut]

Now that you have made it possible to truly be free of him and that desire, you can now, for perhaps the first time, truly mourn the loss of him-- or really, the loss of that unrequited desire that has been so important to you for so long. But this is when the real healing begins. And I suspect every day you will feel better and better, and it really will be sooner than you think before you are feeling totally great. I'd give it 2 weeks at the most, if you are anything like me.

 

You are absolutely correct...yes, I'm still having bad moments, but I swear, every day I am feeling better.

 

Which is why I wanted to update everyone who was kind enough to read this drivel from me, lol...I AM feeling better every single day. I don't know why doing this turned the corner for me, but there's no doubt that it did. Yeah, I'm still doing a few things like checking out what he's been doing in the game we used to play together, but even those times are quickly becoming fewer and further between.

 

I won't lie, though...I still have moments of hoping that "other" guy comes back, the one I fell in love with who was most likely a front. I still indulge in fantasies here and there that one day he somehow gets in touch with me to tell me that he's sorry and so forth...but even those fantasies are becoming less interesting to me. Really, thinking about him at ALL is becoming less appealing to me.

 

I know that most people would not advocate what I did with regard to writing that message, but every situation is different, and it's obvious that for me, it was extremely therapeutic. Funny part is, for reasons I won't bother going into, I have come to doubt that he even read it, he may have deleted it as soon as he saw it was from me. But it doesn't matter, and I'll probably never know...the important thing for me is that I wrote it, and it helped me attain some measure of closure.

 

What was great about your message to him was that you explicitly recognized that *he* was the cause of your pain and anger, not the *absence* of him.

 

I also wanted to comment on this...it was brilliant. In fact, his ABSENCE has caused me LESS pain and anger, which is what I finally began to realize...when I wasn't dealing with him at all, I was LESS stressed out. I used to look forward to that AIM window popping up, but I was starting to dread it, because I knew most likely he was just going to make me upset by saying something ugly. Thank you for this, it was very insightful.

 

And thanks to everyone for your comments and support, it has been awesome. *Hugs*