galaxy71 Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 But I thought you wanted to date her. I don't know why you should be satisfied with being her friend when you are extremely attracted to her. Last night, this shy's guy relative mentioned how this woman called this shy guy all the time. The shy guy had to correct his relative by saying that he and the woman only went out as friends. Do you really think this experience is already helping you around your interactions with other woman? It's great that you are her friend. But I think it's important to realize that the big picture in this thread isn't about getting friends but findng the right person to date. You assume that the guys she is dumping off facebook are doing something wrong. But maybe it might be better for those guys to bite the bullet and take a chance with someone that they are attracted to versus patiently waiting for their female friend to show interest in them. My shy friend that I mentioned gets along fine with women, but he never offends women because he doesn't ask them out or pursue them for purposes beyond friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 I think it's just a tricky situation I am in. Yes I want to date her. But more important is not losing her as a friend. You see women don't like me and a woman who enjoys my company comes along every 10 years or so. I had this cinema female friend from 2001 to 2009. Last year I felt so lonely it was untrue. Now hopefully I have got another friend. I just don't want to mess things up because it's not like there will another woman waiting in the wings for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 I think it's just a tricky situation I am in. Yes I want to date her. But more important is not losing her as a friend. You see women don't like me and a woman who enjoys my company comes along every 10 years or so. I had this cinema female friend from 2001 to 2009. Last year I felt so lonely it was untrue. Now hopefully I have got another friend. I just don't want to mess things up because it's not like there will another woman waiting in the wings for me. I've got a dentist appointment on Tuesday so I'll be walking past her shop. I'm planning to send her a text asking if she's working on that day and if she is I'll pop in and see her. There's nothing wrong with that is there ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 Not replying to my messages on facebook. I guess I was flavour of the month for one day. I should be happy with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bostonbruins44 Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 Good point.Since you began your interactions with her putter,you have been very tentative[understandably] and worried about blowing any chance with her but there really isn't any easy way to change this into a romantic relationship.Most guys would have bowed out after she turned you down when you asked her out initially.If you want her as a friend you are doing everything correctly.If you want something more,you are going to have to take a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 Not replying to my messages on facebook. I guess I was flavour of the month for one day. I should be happy with that. She did eventually, had a little chat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 Good point.Since you began your interactions with her putter,you have been very tentative[understandably] and worried about blowing any chance with her but there really isn't any easy way to change this into a romantic relationship.Most guys would have bowed out after she turned you down when you asked her out initially.If you want her as a friend you are doing everything correctly.If you want something more,you are going to have to take a chance. I just can't do it. She was on facebook a few minutes ago and when I typed 'hello' to her I felt I was doing something wrong. I felt ashamed. I can't let her knows how I feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 I hate it when I go on facebook and she is there. I hate the fact she can see me. It's just embarrassing for me thinking about telling a woman I like her. I only asked her to the cinema which is pretty casual. I couldn't imagine telling her I love her (which I do !) - it would kill me. And I wouldn't want to put her thru that experience. Last Thursday was a high point for me. That is something I've got to keep telling myself. Everybody says she may be interested, ask her somewhere. You don't just want to be friends do you ? - I just can't see it. People don't realize that 'friends' is good for me. I would hate it if she thought for one second I wanted to go out with her properly. I would hate to put her thru that. I don't think she has any idea how I feel because she wouldn't be hanging around with me. She see's me as a friend. And that's all good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 I don't want to be so negative and that last post probably was. Thursday was great, wonderfull. I loved it ! But it was like winning the lottery for me. And you don't win every week do you ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 But you want MORE. So don't settle for less than what you want. Or you'll just be miserable while she is dating everyone but you. Be confident and take CHARGE of this thing between you and her. Initiate more outings and do it SOON. She will find it attractive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 But you want MORE. So don't settle for less than what you want. Or you'll just be miserable while she is dating everyone but you. Be confident and take CHARGE of this thing between you and her. Initiate more outings and do it SOON. She will find it attractive! Yes I know I should. She did at least mention going to golf again. She asked me if there was anywhere where you could have a drink so I pointed out the clubhouse. So she went 'maybe next time ' I just don't have the confidence. I don't think I will ever change. On Thursday it was like I slipped into this confident person but only for a brief time. I then go back. There isn't much difference in my attitude because of Thursday. I'm still wondering how much I mean to her if anything. It's like I need to be reassured all the time ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogIsFree Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 But you want MORE. So don't settle for less than what you want. Or you'll just be miserable while she is dating everyone but you. Be confident and take CHARGE of this thing between you and her. Initiate more outings and do it SOON. She will find it attractive! Exactly. Why on earth not? You can't hide your real feelings from her forever! ..wait! she already knows your real feelings.. or does she? I mean .. is she clear about them? It would seem not, or is she waiting for you to take another chance? If she said no.. but didn't offer up any alternative - like saying: I can't then, but I could on x date at x time and she could have said.. oh I don't like that activity but I would prefer this instead.. she didn't offer you any alternative, but she then decided to go golfing with you - alone! Anyone else might find that all a bit confusing.. does anyone else think this? Forgive me if I am being dense here - but I am just unclear where she is coming from if she turned you down but wants to spend time alone with you and while I totally understand you want to keep her as a friend and you say that's enough.. the question still remains: is it? I'm not suggesting you walk away - but what happens if/when she meets somebody else, & you watch her date that man, and you watch her get engaged to that man, and you watch her get married to that man.. are you going to wait until there are signs of cracks in the marriage, always on the periphery staring through the glass - if it happened - and what would you do? What on earth would that be like for you Putter? Would you surely not regret it for the rest of your life or could you not review these possibilities now and as BBruins points out look at why taking a risk now would be the only and best option for you both, not find yourself - God forbid, any time soon - later in that position. ..you'd be mortified Putter! You can try to tell me I'm wrong but, you've invested so much - I appreciate you think you are playing it right by gentle and slowly does it, but if she secretly harbours a desire for you to ask her again.. aren't you better off doing just that and allowing yourself to move on to healthy friendships with women that aren't secretly underpinned by your desire for them to be more out of fear of a perceived loss..? To watch her get together with another man and wait for all the things I've described to very seriously potentially happen - you can't rule it out - only to know you were so worried you would lose her by being more forward about your feelings.. seems like a contradiction but you would have lost much bigger in this other way - ie losing her to another man. You aren't pressuring her.. if your chance becomes no longer and she becomes no longer `available'.. when you have spent so much time around her indicating your feelings for her.. she isn't, we women, aren't stupid - we can see when a man is sweet on us/crazy about us! - to then know you didn't play your part in preventing her from being only a friend while you watch her make a life and perhaps a family with another man ...surely that would be an emotional disaster for you! ...because here it is - that is - without denial - your real intention here.. to be with her as her boyfriend, not as a friend.. I appreciate you are timid, as you say, but putting seeing her with another man is the potential sum total of this postponement of spelling out your honest feelings and that could surely only serve to promote the theory that you are not worth it and what will you do then? Spend the rest of your life filled with regret, perhaps even resentment at the man she ends up with.. gets to be with your true love? ..when friendship isn't at all your true intention, so why would you settle for the second best thing - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 So your saying then she must know I'm sweet / crazy for her ? Then why go to the golf course with me alone ? Was it some kind of nice gesture to a sweet guy type thing ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogIsFree Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 So your saying then she must know I'm sweet / crazy for her ? As a woman, yes, I would so can't see why she wouldn't? Then why go to the golf course with me alone ? Because she is interested in taking things further? It was the next comment about going to the clubhouse for a drink that made me think it even more. Was it some kind of nice gesture to a sweet guy type thing ? A nice gesture to a sweet guy might have been the golf alone.., but not the clubhouse for a drink as well? Or am I being naive.. there are more people to overhear you at the clubhouse, so effectively, while there are other people on the golf course they aren't necessarily in close proximity to you and therefore it is a better place to get time alone to talk.. however, on the flip side a bar/pub-type environment like in a golf clubhouse is still more intimate, because you can sit in a corner and chat quietly amongst you. It suggests she is moving things on!! Perhaps I am reading too much in to this.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 A nice gesture to a sweet guy might have been the golf alone.., but not the clubhouse for a drink as well? Or am I being naive.. there are more people to overhear you at the clubhouse, so effectively, while there are other people on the golf course they aren't necessarily in close proximity to you and therefore it is a better place to get time alone to talk.. however, on the flip side a bar/pub-type environment like in a golf clubhouse is still more intimate, because you can sit in a corner and chat quietly amongst you. It suggests she is moving things on!! Perhaps I am reading too much in to this.. Good point ! What exactly happened was this. Her : "It's a shame there isn't anywhere to have a drink" Me is, the clubhouse over there" (Pointing) Her Maybe next time " The golf course was pretty empty because it was very windy. One guy said 'hello' to me. She did stick out though because of how lovely she looked. She did say she was going to mention it on facebook so I took that as it wasn't going to be a secret. I put a message on her wall on facebook just saying how nice it had been and a few other things. She replied to it and then her sister got involved saying she had got a new hobby and a joke about coming along as long and then referred to me as Tiger. (Hopefully meaning golf not women lol !) I've told one woman at work, my best friend. Whether everybody is gossping at work I don't know and don't care to be honest. I almost feel like telling a few people because there doesn't seem a reason to keep that quiet about it. Not many good things happen to me so I do feel like telling a few of my friends at work about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bostonbruins44 Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Yes I know I should. She did at least mention going to golf again. She asked me if there was anywhere where you could have a drink so I pointed out the clubhouse. So she went 'maybe next time ' I just don't have the confidence. I don't think I will ever change. On Thursday it was like I slipped into this confident person but only for a brief time. I then go back. There isn't much difference in my attitude because of Thursday. I'm still wondering how much I mean to her if anything. It's like I need to be reassured all the time ! When you two golfed together did she touch you in any way? That is something you really need to pay attention to.Even if it is casual touching.If she was romatically interested in you I think she would be making an attempt to touch you,somehow.Did she touch you,putter?You have to be highly alert when you are with her alone and pay attention.Ask her out again to go golfing . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 When you two golfed together did she touch you in any way? That is something you really need to pay attention to.Even if it is casual touching.If she was romatically interested in you I think she would be making an attempt to touch you,somehow.Did she touch you,putter?You have to be highly alert when you are with her alone and pay attention.Ask her out again to go golfing . No she didn't touch me. I did shake her hand after we finished though. When we said goodbye, she walked away and didn't turn around. Isn't that a sign as well ? She did touch me at work a bit. Y'know 'feel how cold my hands are' and once she stood in my way when I wasn't looking so I would bump into her. And we hugged alot when she left. I will ask her golfing again. But I don't think she'll want to go straight away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 I don't think much of the last few months have made sense. I've worked there for 13 years and nobody has ever asked me if they play golf with me. Never happened. Nobody ever said goodbye to me like she did. Nobody has ever cried in front of me like she has. (She started crying when I said I was worried about her) Only one other woman has offered her mobile number. She's never given me the 'lets just be friends' speech. She's never told anybody at work to tell me that. I've never bought anybody at work a xmas present and vice versa. I've said things like 'your the nicest person I've ever met' and 'I care for you' -never to anybody else. She's called me a 'very good friend' - nobody in 8 years have ever said that. Nobody at work has ever come to me and said ' y'know she's not interested don't you' I guess our friendship will either develop more or frizzle out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 She did tell me she didn't want a man in her life at the moment. Surely I am doing the right thing by not getting all heavy and declaring my love ? Hopefully we will have more meetings; golf, coffee and chat, piano etc until something physical happens. I've no idea how women think. We do get on fantasic though. Thursday was great. She showed so much interest in the game and really enjoyed herself. She's the last person you would expect to get interested in golf. It would be like me getting interested in her going to buy some shoes ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solo Pilot Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Putter I just want to bring to your attention that you need to make sure you don't over analyze everything that happens during your conversations and encounters with her. I know how excited you get when your around her. You are totally in love with her and so any attention you get from her, you are on cloud nine. But you have got to get out of this friendzone territory and do something about it. Do you want to be her friend forever? I know you have asked her out before and gotten turned down. So why put yourself in this situation. I see a guy who is tormenting himself. You need to make it crystal clear to her that you don't want to JUST be friends with her. I think you have said your ok with just being friends with her because of not many options, but I don't think this is true. If you were ok with JUST being friends, you wouldn't still be talking about everything that happens between you two. Now is the time to let her know...again. Like I said, make it clear to her that you don't want to be friends only. If she doesn't share your feelings, your best move would be to stop talking to her and move on and try to focus on another potential mate. Im sorry if this advice comes accross as a little rude, but I feel you need to be told this. There's another poster on this board who's going through something similar that you are, but she made the choice to break it off(i think) because she wasn't getting the kind of attention she wanted and deserved. Ultimately you have the final say so. Your going to have to make some hard choices soon..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bostonbruins44 Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 She hasn't given you the ''let's be friends '' speech because she hasn't had to.Your actions have made it clear to her that you are cool with being friends with her . If you had another woman who you were interested in I don't think you would be putting up with this girl's mixed emotions.You claim not to have any other prospects but perhaps it is your overfocusing on this one that is blinding you to other candidates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 She hasn't given you the ''let's be friends '' speech because she hasn't had to.Your actions have made it clear to her that you are cool with being friends with her . If you had another woman who you were interested in I don't think you would be putting up with this girl's mixed emotions.You claim not to have any other prospects but perhaps it is your overfocusing on this one that is blinding you to other candidates. No there isn't any other candidates. Women who like me, even as a friend, come along every blue moon. I'd love more women in my life but it never happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 If I had loads of friends then I would break it off. But I don't. I'm cool with it and I know sometimes I write on here and say things that suggest otherwise but I am. I guess I talk about alot because I have an empty life. It's always been like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 You CHOOSE to have an empty life. Own it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 You CHOOSE to have an empty life. Own it. Well I do plenty of things but they tend to be by myself. I have asked people to go places in the past and had no luck. A couple of years ago I had a spare ticket for a top football match (My Dad didn't want to go). I asked this woman at work. She never got back to me. And nobody else came forward and said they wanted to go with me. (They all knew about it). So the seat was empty. I've had an extremely lonely life with regards to female company. I had 5 or 6 dates with a woman in 1996. I went to the cinema with this married woman from 2001 to 2009. We went 50 times roughly. And then there was Thursday. The cinema woman just dumped me / stopped all contact for no reason. So you see why I don't have a great deal of confidence with women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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