Identity crisis

[kungfumaster]

Have any of you questioned who you really were after your relationships were over?? Your values, beliefs, who you want to be, etc.

 

Before I met my ex, I was pretty free spirited, had a lot of friends, and was a pretty outgoing guy, who loved to have fun (went out alot), and on my way to getting a career as I was just finishing school (driven).

 

When I met my ex, I was still that outgoing guy, and still had my friends, although I hung around them less. I don't know, when I met my ex, everything just seemed to just multiply - I felt like I was driven more, now that I had someone to think about a future with - I was more responsible, and partied a bit less - but that was fine because I was having the time of my life with my ex. I was everythiing I wanted to be - a loving boyfriend (I thought anyways), a really driven guy, and could see a future with my ex and I. I was, so to say, at the peak of my potential - I was secure emotionally, and was secure in who I was and where I was going to be. I was at the top of my potential both physically and mentally.

 

So, after I finished school, I got a job and had to move away from my ex, and that is when we split. I still don't know the whole reasons why we split. But the thing is, I am not even 1/10 the person I wish I could be before I met my ex, or even when I was with my ex, and I keep asking myself - who am I??

 

After I broke up with my ex, I am starting to question: I worked so hard on myself and my relationship before and during when I was with my ex to be where I am today, but, it has not gotten better for me, other than I have a job at the end of it all. I question, was it really worth it? - all the improvements I had made in myself?? All the long nights, all the tears?Do I really want to be where I am today?? Where am I going in the next year, who am I going to be with, who are going to be my friends, WHO AM I GOING TO BE??

 

Have any of you felt like this, and how did you deal with it??

[mahlina]

Hi Kungfu!

 

It's okay. I think that what you're going through is normal. It's a part of losing our own identitiy in the process of a break-up. However, I think that the feelings of pseudo-lost identity is only temporary. I've been through that as well. I used to be so motivated, so driven, so positive, always up and going, always finished what I planned for the day, and suddenly after the break-up, I'm not even half the person that I used to be.

 

I think that in the process of going out with someone, we give so much of ourselves sometimes (naturally, because that's a part of 'truly' loving someone), that we lose ourselves. thereforeeee, once the relationship's broken, what we lose is a part of our identity of what we built in the relationship. I think that if two people are truly meant to be, then they compliment each other's personality. thereforeeee, they don't lose themselves as much. They become more of themselves. Actually, that's what we both did right? The only difference between us prior to meeting the ex is that the ex's gave us that extra boost of happiness.

 

What I'm saying is: Change is one the major stressors, thereforeeee, naturally, we leap into saddness or depression, because losing a loved one is like losing a part of us. It's like facing the death of a loved one. thereforeeee, in some days it's easier for us to get out of bed, and in other days, it's 10x's harder. Regardless of the situation, heartbreak or not, I think that we will always be the same people that we were, before the break-up. Those innate qualities don't change. However, our habbits of living and doing things may change, but what we are at heart, doesn't. Personality is pretty much set in stone. We just have to adapt to break-ups.

 

Kungfu, no matter what happens, all things do eventually work out for the best. We learn from our heartaches. That's probably one of the best/worst way to learn: learning through the hard way. But without experiencing pain, we will never truly understand the concept of happiness. Capische? Pain will help us to grow 10x's stronger. Unfortunately, it just takes time. Hang in there buddy. You'll become the Kungfu master of your own heartaches eventually. Mahlina

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

Yes, I have experienced that periodically. The first time I really did was when I was 29. I had got married at the age of 18 and was married for nearly 11 years. My husband had just cheated on me and I really started looking at life from a different perspective. I can honestly say I learned more during that divorce than I did at any other time in my life. I became stronger, more independent, and realized more of my potential in the career field, etc.

 

I think one is somewhat "forced" to look INWARD rather than OUTWARD when a breakup occurs. Kind of like when someone is in prison... all they have to think about is themselves and why and how they got there. The good thing about a breakup though is that you're not in prison.... you're free to do what you want, so take advantage of it. Take notice of opportunities and use this time to grow.

[outrageousxo]

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[talo]

Hi Kungfu,

 

Most younger people put effort into what they want to be, but at some point in life this starts to be questioned, particularly if 'who you want(ed) to be', or, 'who you are', turns, or repeatedly turns, to custard.

 

Then the question becomes "who am I?". This is an important question. After some observation, you may notice that you are a point-of-view, a held idea, an identity. This is why you seemed a different person at different stages in your life. You simply had or held different points-of-view/ideas/values/beliefs at these stages. Such 'stages' are most noticeable when 'notable' life events happen.

 

So congratulations, "who am I?" is an important milestone in maturation.

 

Carrying on observing; the view of who you are changes.

[Celadon]

Hey Kungfumaster,

 

I've been there too. Check out the Beatles' tune "Yesterday"; they sing the same blues.

 

I think you're in that trough that comes after dreams die. You were flying high on having a purpose -- to care for your woman, to make your way in the world. Some of that fullness of life was from your relationship; some was the post-school drive that motivates a lot of people. You were out to conquer the world!

 

So, now is the time of re-fueling and recasting your life's dreams. It's like how farmers take a field and let it sit out for a season, so it can be more productive in the next season.

 

If you can abide the disappointment you probably feel right now (it's tough, I know), then use your time to set your sights on something new. Life is constant reinvention. It's an ebb and flow, not a straight line to the top.

 

Me, I couldn't live without dreams, although out of my own ignorance, I've tried to. Like you, I put my heart and soul into a relationship that's ended. It was a major disappointment. So now I'm free to dream again, and the thing that feels the best is taking steps forward to something new. I don't even 100 percent know what that new thing is (although I have some inklings) or what it will look like.

 

I was knocked down and winded, but I'm getting back up. And so will you. Take care.

[kungfumaster]

Hi everyone!

 

Thank you for your ausome responses. They made me feel better, and it always helps to have someone objectively looking in, than for me to turn my wheels and get no where in my own thoughts.

 

Take care.

Kung fu

[fantasia2004]

Trust me kungfu, stuff like this happens That is what life is all about .

 

I was the same way I HAD FUN WAS THE LIFE OF THE PARTY AND NOTHING WAS GOING TO TAKE ME DOWN or make me feel bad about my self.

 

But that changed the minute my relationship ended. then I had toe realize that I was alone and happy before my ex came into my life . I can stil be tha same interesting person afterwards. Ijust hope it happens sooner than later. BECAUSE iAM TIRE D AND THROUGH WITH BEING BORING AND FEELINBG SORRY FOR MYSELF OR SELF PITY!

 

It happens to all of us babe. Don't sweat it.

 

Life