What do you do to deal with loneliness?

[Lady Rashomon]

I feel like I've been walking around in this haze for a few weeks now, and while I'm functioning at a fairly high level, I am trying to figure out creative ways to deal with loneliness (i.e., not just crashing in front of my television and zoning out over pizza, wine, and a movie). I am wary of being too needy with other people--not because I am a needy person, but because I don't want to use other people as crutches to deal with my depression. Any ideas?

[Hammer540]

After reading this I feel like I need to ask the question, why are you alone? Are you chooseing to be alone or are you coming out of a relationship?

[Nikki88]

I wish I knew the answer to this question. I have spent way too much time on my couch watching movies because I can't get up and get moving....this break up has been so hard on me and I am having a very hard time learning how to function again.

[preciousgirl82]

All breakups are rough and this is going to get better with time. But things wont change by sitting on the couch (im sure you know that already). Unfortunately you are going to have to throw yourself into a situation (i.e party, social event) to remind yourself that life doesnt have to end just because your relationship is over. The person you care about may be gone but you are still here and there's a world out there that you are missing out on by staying indoors feeling sorry for yourself. It wont get easy overnight but you have to begin somewhere. This is the perfect time to start a whole new life. Its a brand new year and its a good excuse to find a whole new you.

[Lady Rashomon]

Whoa--I don't think I ever said that I was just sitting around feeling sorry for myself! I have a pretty full life--a good job, a community that I'm deeply involved with, etc. The feeling of loneliness isn't because of circumstances (I have a lot of people in my life who love me) but because of a deeper sense of despair that goes well beyond "I have nobody to hang out with"--a dark night of the soul that I have been passing through for at least the last year, in which many of the structures of my former life have collapsed and I've been forced to reassess what's important to me. This has brought a certain sense of disconnection and discombobulation, for sure.

 

For the record, I ended a 9-year-long relationship recently, which I know in the long run was the right decision, and I wish him nothing but happiness. However, the massive amount of change that I've experienced can be overwhelming at times. I have no interest in jumping into a new relationship at any point soon, so the loneliness isn't about finding someone to love--I'm not even sure it is entirely wrapped up in getting over a breakup...it's also about learning to grow into my new life. I have a great support system, but I still often feel alone, uncertain, and deeply ambivalent about my life. I'm in therapy, I've been doing a lot of personal introspection, etc., and I'm trying to simply think of practical ways to break through a very difficult time.

[dedem]

To answer, I don't. I find friends, or I find some sort of social interaction. This site, for instance.

 

To deal with the hurt which causes the loneliness, punching bag + a bottle of rage was today's strategy. Typically it's cruising with chocolate and a movie, TV or other distraction, but when I'm back in classes and have the opportunity, I exercise the crap out of my sorrow, anger, and pain. At least imagining him cheering me on did nothing to help when I was running, so I can run without wishing I could imagine him there or better yet, he actually being there. It doesn't make the running hurt or feel good any less.

[gymratski]

I like everything about your post!

You've identified something you want to change and you refuse to use people as a "crutch" to do it!

I see soooo many people who do this and refuse to admit it's what they're doing and when it falls apart they are left feeling even more alone than they were before.

 

I'm in the exact same position.

I read a lot.

I've started to get back into the gym regime, but I go to 2 locations: one is really small (a little... ghetto, lol) and I go when I don't want to interact with people and the other is busy (a bit of a "meet market") and I go when I want to look good and possibly meet some new people.

Join a team, too.

[dedem]

Ignore, double posted.

[Lady Rashomon]

I like everything about your post!

You've identified something you want to change and you refuse to use people as a "crutch" to do it!

I see soooo many people who do this and refuse to admit it's what they're doing and when it falls apart they are left feeling even more alone than they were before.

 

I'm in the exact same position.

I read a lot.

I've started to get back into the gym regime, but I go to 2 locations: one is really small (a little... ghetto, lol) and I go when I don't want to interact with people and the other is busy (a bit of a "meet market") and I go when I want to look good and possibly meet some new people.

Join a team, too.

 

Yes, the endorphin high from a good workout is fantastic, isn't it? Good suggestion. I am not really a gym or team sports kind of person, but I just started a dance class that I really like.

 

I've been reading a lot, too. Mainly self-help, psychology, theology, philosophy...I've been in a "what does it all mean" kind of funk, which I guess is a good thing. Mainly, I'm trying to figure out ways to be okay with being alone because I don't want to be around close friends while being in such a dark place.

[SymphonyMinor]

I am wary of being too needy with other people--not because I am a needy person, but because I don't want to use other people as crutches to deal with my depression. Any ideas?

 

The flip side of this coin is one in which we can guard ourselves so much from the ‘crutch’ that those who would wish to be there are unable to “be there”. Out of curiosity, are you keeping that in balance?

 

many of the structures of my former life have collapsed and I've been forced to reassess what's important to me. This has brought a certain sense of disconnection and discombobulation, for sure.

 

For the record, I ended a 9-year-long relationship recently, which I know in the long run was the right decision, and I wish him nothing but happiness. However, the massive amount of change that I've experienced can be overwhelming at times. I have no interest in jumping into a new relationship at any point soon, so the loneliness isn't about finding someone to love--I'm not even sure it is entirely wrapped up in getting over a breakup...it's also about learning to grow into my new life. I have a great support system, but I still often feel alone, uncertain, and deeply ambivalent about my life.

 

A major lifestyle change can take a minute to adjust to, yes? The logistical changes. The differences. Every former habitual practice is now…different. Above and beyond the emotional impact itself. Changing 9 years of habits, rituals, traditions, schedules is a massive undertaking. Be patient with yourself. Be good to you. We can be harder on ourselves…and more demanding at times…then we would ever be with someone else.

 

 

don't want to be around close friends while being in such a dark place.

 

I can relate to not wanting to be around close friends while you're in a dark place. I do that myself. I've found, though, that they care for me even when I'm not all happy, happy, joy, joy, and they end up trying to kick me in my shin for staying away from them. Usually pretty hard. Being around them in some of those slump moments may help lift your spirits at times, too. Or change your perspective just enough to lighten that darkness for a moment. Don’t shut yourself off too often, or for too long, OK?

 

 

Look into other things that you've wondered about, but have never taken the time to really explore, perhaps? Write…paint…take a class...learn a new language…pick up a craft. Whatever may have caught your eye at some point, but there was never enough time to give it any real attention.

 

Reading is a wonderful, wonderful thing, and I could read the spots off of a Dalmation, but sometimes one can just want to DO...something new…something different…something creative…even for a minute…

 

Keep looking up, Lady.

[MasterPo]

I have a friend in the same boat I am, her BF did the deed and left town. After some hard weeks she went to the local pound and volunteered. All those cute mutts kept her sane and she was happy or said she was. I tried it but since I moved haven't been able to find the time. Might be something you may want to look into. It was fun but sad at the same time.