kayem Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Dear All, I would really appreciate any feedback/opinions/advice you can give me on this bizarre situation I find myself in! Trying to be brief, I have been seeing a guy on/off for almost a year now. He moved abroad to the other side of the world nearly 2 months ago to go 'find himself'. Before he left he expressed very clearly that he was not interested in a long distance relationship for many reasons: he is going to be away for a long time, he is physically VERY far away from me, he has experienced a failed long distance relationship in the past, he suffers committment issues. I, on the other hand, am quite confident in trying a long distance relationship and see how it works out and have had lots of success with them in the past. BUT getting to the crux of the issue, my problem is this: We are in touch with each other for HOURS almost EVERYDAY but he says he just wants to be friends. We speak on msn for most days for 2 - 4 hours, and webcam most days, he calls me on my phone. One day we even spoke on webcam for 5 hours straight, which meant he stayed up until 6am where he is (there is a 9 hour time difference between us now so he is staying up REALLY LATE at night and getting up REALLY EARLY in the morning to speak to me). I sometimes stay up late talking to him as I find it hard to stop once we start, time just flies by, i don't even notice how late it is getting, he says the same thing. HE is the one who doesn't want a long distance relationship, right? Yet 90% of the time it is HIM who initiates the contact. He has been in touch with me almost every day since he left, even more than he was in touch most days when he was in the same country as me!!!!! He tells me intimate details about his life yet professes I am just his friend, he jsut wants to be friends - Why would I want to know if I was just his friend? He sent me a thoughtful and cute christmas present. He contacted me LOADS on new year's eve and even rang me at my parents house shortly after midnight on new years eve. All of these things make me think he is still interested in me and would like to have a long distance relationship, but when I confront him about it he says he loves talking to me but he needs to sort his head out and he is in another country and we are friends. I have tried to ignore him but he contacts me until I reply and I don't have the willpower to ignore him for much longer than a week. I told him once that thought it was weird that he felt the need to contact me all the time and maybe he actually liked me more than he let on, or maybe he was just trying to be friendly. His response was 'both' but that he didn't want to move away and not be in touch with me anymore. Two weeks ago I found cheap plane tickets to go and visit him, I didn't book them but sent him the details, he was very stern and said he wouldnt be around for those dates, he doesn't know why I'm so confused about our friendship and that he needs to get settled before I visit, that I can go another time, but he hasnt mentioned me visiting since and it seems to freak him out when I mention it. WHAT DOES THIS GUY WANT FROM ME? I am so confused because what he SAYS seems to be completely different to what he actually DOES. But where does that leave me? If i ask him to seriously persue a long distance relationship he says no, whereas I feel that i am being strung along as some kind of entertainment for him just in case he decides one day he does want to come back OR to keep him entertained until he meets someone else where he is. He is supposed to be coming back home in a few months for a friends wedding, but he tells me quite a lot that he probably wont be coming back becuase he can't afford the flights. I feel that every time he tells me this he is looking for some kind of reaction from me. Obviously I am gutted, but I don't let him know that. SO CONFUSED!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrgrl Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Ego boost? Misses you? Maybe he doesn't want you as a gf so he can keep his options open, but he DOES want the emotional benefits of talking to you. I suggest you distance yourself. This will only end badly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I think that you need to tell him that talking to you for hours a day is not helping him 'find himself.' tell him the following - you two should limit your contact (maybe just one chat a month?) so that he can go and explore this new country he is in, get to know the locals, meet new women, and so that you have time to socialize with others and find a new boyfriend as well. if after a few months, he decides he wants to try long distance with you, great. but since he moved there to 'find himself' and be in a new enviornment, he needs to take advantage of it. i suspect he is using you as a 'crutch' - something familiar to keep the lonliness of the new country at bay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 >>he doesn't know why I'm so confused about our friendship What a chowderhead! Let me translate this for you... he wants you as a security blanket AND to be there at his option when he's lonely or bored, but he wants to leave his options totally open so he can look for a new girl he likes better in his new country (but hasn't found yet). And when he does find one, suddenly you won't hear from him at all... He can't MAKE you respond to him and talk to him, so tell him to stop. Tell him if all he wants to be is a friend, you need to let go and move on and you want him to stop contacting you, in fact to not contact you at all unless he decides he wants to be your BF again. Then stick to that resolution. Don't contact him and don't respond to any texts or messages unless the message specifically says he wants to get back together. He needs to understand that he doesn't get all the perks of being in a relationship like endless long conversations if he's not actually in one with you. You can find tons of friends locally and don't need this nonsense from him, which is also stopping you from healing and finding someone yourself who does want to be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayem Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thanks for your replies, it's so nice of you guys to read my boring rant and try to help me make sense of it all! It did occur to me that he is lonely over there perhaps and I have lived abroad before myself, so understand his position. We do have a good relationship so I would be someone he could talk to easily, but he is also very close to his mum, who he also speaks to every day on the phone, as well as his best friend, who he speaks to everyday too, so there really is no need for him to speak to me out of loneliness. Also he has got a very busy schedule with lots of friends already and has been welcomed very warmly by acquaintances he has made previous to this trip. They have accepted him as part of their family, he sees them every day for meals, they take him out on day trips and let him stay at their house, he ahs started language classes, and trains for his martial arts every day so i find it hard to accept he is talking to me out of loneliness. But it really could be that. Maybe he does just like the ego boost, i know i feel crap if I don't hear from him everyday. But he does sometimes go out of his way to contact me and he sent me a gift for christmas, which involved quite a lot of hassle for him and involved him organsing his mum to forward things onto me too. When he told me he'd sent me a gift he said it was jsut something silly and funny, but it wasn't funny it the slightest, it was really personal and thoughtful. And when we talk, although recently he has a lot more to recount to me because of his new experiences, when the topic of conversation does turn back to me he listens really carefully to everything I say and seems genuinely interested and concerned about my life. We have talked about not talking so much, but we both hate the idea and find it really hard to go through with. I often go through periods where I tell him not to contact me and I ignore him for about a week, but i find it really hard to do and he doesnt like it either. Over the next few weeks we won't be able to talk at all really though because I'm going back to work and due to the time difference between us it will be very impractical for both of us to be online at the same time or find time to call each other. I like the idea of a time limit on things, maybe if he still keeps on making an effort to contact a lot me this week despite me being at work and despite the awkward time difference I will have to speak to him and explain that if by the end of the month he is still contacting me at that level I will assume it is because he does actually want me to be his girlfriend despite what he says and I'll book my plane ticket on payday. That way I should know once and for all! But it's scary and i'm worried it will make him disappear forever! ARGH! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayem Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you lavenderdove. I know he must realise what he's doing! He's so flirty! He even does stuff like get undressed in front of my on webcam. When I explain the things he does which make me confused he tries to play them down, as if they were done accidently or something, its just nonsense. I did talk to him about what I see happening in the future, either one of us gets a girlfriend or boyfriend and they make us realise that the level of contact we have is not on, OR he'll find his japanese wife and I'll never hear from him again. He said he's not like that, he's not looking for any relationships out there, he is concentrating on finding himself and sorting his head out. I'm probably being dense but I do kind of believe him. He doesn't seem to have met any girls out there so far and I do kind of think it would be hard for him to find someone when he is in touch with me so much. He's obviously not moving on as much as he'd hoped. The funny thing is about all this is that I dumped him, then by the time I realised I was actually in love with him he was already pretty much organised to go away, so I really stuffed it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 To be fair, he has told you repeatedly that he wants to be friends. There is nothing to wonder about. You have to take him at his word and tell him you can't have all this contact because you are not ready to be friends with him. I know it is painful but you need to pull back a lot and listen to what he is telling you--he isn't interested in anything but friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homebody Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 He says he wants to be friends and continuing to contact you knowing that this confuses you is so callous and disrespectful. He cares nothing about your feelings only his. His response to you trying to go visit him is a good clue. He wants to be friends with you and you want more. This is not a good time for him to ask you to be his friend when you want more....it's cruel. Please see that he is being selfish and cruel and you are so emotional dependent on him you are taking this crumb. All this time you spend talking and hoping he will change takes time you could be using to find someone who wants to be with you. Stop talking to him for your own sake. Let him experience the loss of you..he doesn't want a relationship and you can't be friends with him as long as you want more....it will only hurt you more. Him being halfway around the world makes it easier and it's time for you to get busy. Find other things to do...get a life...don't be there when he contacts you. Be out meeting other men and get rid of this selfish man. Someday you can be friends when you are not so emotionally invested. Right now all you are doing is making it easier for him to ease his guilt, stroke his ego and hurt you even more, its just sadistic. If he really wants to be a friend he will leave you alone to heal and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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