blueberrypie Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 10 1/2 weeks after breakup and 5 weeks of NC with the boyfriend of 3 1/2 years, a fiance of 3 months, I am finally realizing that I need to let him go. I still cannot believe that it happened. I know it wasn't easy for him, either. But for whatever reason, he decided that it is better that we part our ways. I am accepting that I may never find out why. But I have to keep moving on. I may/may not meet someone else. Right now, I don't want to, because I don't want to risk hurting like this again. But I hope that I will meet someone (someone new or new and improved ex), who will make me risk hurting again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted December 30, 2010 Author Share Posted December 30, 2010 Even after 5 weeks of NC, I still think I was perfect for him, he was just scared of intimacy, and he will come back. How do I get over this feeling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happens4aReason Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 I know how you feel.. My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me 3 months ago.. Just like you, I knew that it was hard on her as well to break up with me but for reasons what so ever, she chose to part ways.. But I am sure that there is a reason why things happen.. Trust in that and look forward for a better tomorrow.. I still miss her, but it was her choice to leave me.. That gives me a huge pillar to rest on, with no guilt what so ever.. I tried my best and she chose to leave it.. While I dont blame her, just like you, I am curious to see whats in store for me.. And you WILL meet someone new.. Someone who is way better a match for you than your ex was.. I know that these sound idealistic but as someone said said "Sometimes good things fall apart so that even better things can fall into place" I read it somewhere and that does keep me going forward.. Hope it helps you too .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted December 30, 2010 Author Share Posted December 30, 2010 Thank you, WBO. I found the full quote by Marilyn Monroe: "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Although I like the part you quoted, the part about lie is a bit sad. I also found another quote by her: I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. The bold part is going to be my mantra. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calblee Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 BBP, Really like the quote that you brought up. Stay strong and continue writing. I will continue to read and hope to learn something too. I just broke NC again so i have no idea how people can last 3 - 5 weeks in NC. It is terribly far from where i am seeing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted December 31, 2010 Author Share Posted December 31, 2010 Thank you for encouragement, Calblee. Before going on NC, I had in-person confront, one email exchange, and one phone call with my ex, all of which hurt me deeply. It was not something he did or didn't do. He was still a warm person I fell in love with minus the love he had for me. Seeing that made me extremely sad. Also, realizing that there was nothing, nothing in the world I can do to go back to what we were even though I would do anything in the world to go back to what we were, hurt me so much that I can't get courage to contact him any more. He closed door on the relationship, so there is nothing else I can do except going through this. Maybe we will get back together, but we can't go back to what we were. I don't want to go back to what we were, because he was never sure about us and it was killing me inside. He need to realize that he wants me, and I can't help him get there. That is what stops me from contacting him. Till a few days ago, I thought that it was HIS job to change his mind and come back and it will be all okay. But a few days ago, I just realized that I can't just survive while I wait for him. Okay, I shouldn't wait for him. But even if I would wait for him, I can't just survive doing that. Then it will not work when/if he comes back. I need to build my life. I truly like all the activities we did together, so I will keep doing them, but not just for the sake of doing them, but I will actually enjoy them and meet new people through them and create new memories through them. Before, I was afraid that if I build new life without him, then we will grow apart. But if we grow apart while I am true to myself, maybe we shouldn't be get back together anyways. It we were actually meant to be together, the new life will actually enrich our life/relationship. So I am going to stop survive till he comes back, but I will build new memories just as when he was with me. For a couple of months, I was trying to repress the feeling/thought that he will come back. But I realized that I don't need to do that. I am going to keep my faith that we will be together. I am afraid that my heart will break all over again if if turns out to be false hope, but as you go into a relationship even when you know that there is risk of getting hurt, I will keep that faith even though it means that I risk getting hurt again by this faith. Okay, even when I write this I am so afraid of getting hurt again, and maybe in a few weeks, my fear of getting hurt again gets too big that I will give up. But till then, I will be true to my feeling/thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calblee Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Everything that you said about afraid of getting hurt yet wanting to believe that there is hope is experienced by many other posters in this forum. Only time will reveal everything in its glory. Continue to keep a positive light about life and you will find that slowly but surely, your hope will diminish, your happiness will increase and you will be more sure about yourself and the relationship. It is the magic of healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted December 31, 2010 Author Share Posted December 31, 2010 Everything that you said about afraid of getting hurt yet wanting to believe that there is hope is experienced by many other posters in this forum. And I thought that I was so special. lol I know that he is going to miss me. Whether he would work on it or not is another matter. I am visiting my hometown at the moment. I just remembered that 3 years ago today, I was visiting my hometown but left to his hometown to spend the NYE with him. It was our first NYE, and I wanted to spend it with him. It turned out that he is a kind of person, who doesn't put too much meaning on "day"s. All the special days were celebrated because I wanted them to be "special," but he didn't care much about them. Initially. The last birthday of his, he was upset because I didn't make his birthday as special as he wanted it to be. He said that he started to enjoy celebrating "special" days. I believe that he will always remember me because the way he changed while he was with me, but maybe he won't... Almost 11 weeks after the breakup, I am still very confused... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Where I am right now, it is already New Year! I will try to make this year to be my best year so far! Happy New Year, everyone! =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Where I am right now, it is already New Year! I will try to make this year to be my best year so far! Happy New Year, everyone! =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 I've been trying to figure out what lesson I was learning from this relationship/breakup with my current ex. I couldn't think of anything. And then today, it suddenly dawned on me. If I can overcome this, there is nothing I can't overcome. I just wanted to record it here so that I don't forget this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pea Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Hey there Blueberry, I just wanted to drop you a note expressing my support. I don't know if it will help you to hear this, but you are not alone. Everything you've expressed resonates strongly with me: the disbelief, the hurt, and of course the persistent (and probably reckless) dash of hope. I'm three months post a non-mutual break up, just like you, from a wonderful man who I thought would be my life partner. After a long relationship and a period of engagement, like you I can't simply stop loving my former partner, just because he's lost his feelings. Your heartbreak is entirely reasonable and understandable to me. I love the Marilyn Monroe quotes mentioned here. Who knew she had such a way with words! Her sentiments are inspiring. As is your most recent post. Your strength is admirable. We are all more resilient than we realise, and I hope this revelation lightens your load in the next few months. Remember it, and the fact that you are stronger than this. The humiliation of failure, the despair, the fear of a lifetime of aloneness: all of that will fade, and you'll just be left with a core of self-assurance. Well, that's what people tell me anyway, so let's go with it! I'm sure you'll agree with me that 2010 has not been the best of years. I hope 2011 is better for you, and brings you the peace and happiness you deserve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Thank you for your support, Pea! It does help to hear that I am not alone. (Although I would be lying if I don't with that my situation was unique enough that my ex and I would get back together, not like other breakups. lol ) I know, Marilyn Monroe, right? I guess I already learned something new when I found this MM quote. I hope that 2011 is better for you and brings you the peace and happiness you deserve, too! =) 2011 is going to be the bet year we had so far! =) Feel free to send PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destiny2112 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I believe 2011 will be our year We all will become much stronger and happier!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 I've been feeling better. Although I still have constant urge to come here (I think I redirected my urge to call my ex to urge to come here), still cry every day, still miss my ex greatly, but I was beginning to see the light.. That was before I realized that in two weeks, there is a company holiday, and this would be the first company holiday, which is not a "holiday"(such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve), I will spend without my ex. And then I felt that pang in my heart. This pain becomes too familiar to me now that it feels like forever ago when I didn't live with this pain. As much as I can't imagine being truly happy again without my ex, I can't imagine living without this pain. This breakup became part of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Never see him would be easier than running into him and see him happy without me.. We have 250 mi in between us, so it is not likely that we will run into each other. But, just thinking about it makes my heart race. STILL... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destiny2112 Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Never see him would be easier than running into him and see him happy without me.. We have 250 mi in between us, so it is not likely that we will run into each other. But, just thinking about it makes my heart race. STILL... I know exactly what you mean...it's a horrible thought...I try to avoid thinking of it, it only brings tears to my eyes and breaks my heart...again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 I am slowly building my life again. I am starting to enjoy living my life and doing things I wanted to do without worrying about its effect on him. I even feel happy at times. But, I still wonder what he is up to. I wonder if he misses me. I know that he will always remember me and a lot of things will remind him of me. But, I wonder if he would really miss me and wonder what I would be up to. I know, I know. I am supposed to focus on myself, and not wonder what "he" is up to. It is very sad to become just "memory." It makes me very sad to think that I am fading from his life, but I feel like I am addicted to the pain caused by the breakup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 I am having a bit of rough day today. I think it is because I am starting to move on. Since I am starting to move on, I am starting to feel the distance between my ex and me. It's been only 11 weeks. It's amazing how 11 weeks apart after 3 1/2 years of being together can create this much distance. And with the acceptance of the end of the relationship, the pain comes. It hurts to know that he actually ended the relationship with me. He threw out the good things we had together. He left the person who deeply cared about him. But now I accept that it DID happen and it is over between us. Because, honestly, I don't know how I will get over this and be happy with him together. But I will always love him. He will always have piece of my mind. Knowing this makes me angry at him, and at world. Why should I go through this? All I wanted was being with the person who deeply cared about. What did I do to deserve this pain? ... but at the same time, I am glad that I was able to experience that deep feeling. Because, not everyone gets to experience that feeling. All these different emotions at the same time. It is like I have 100 different versions of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calblee Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 for every rough day that you have today, you will have 5 other great days ahead! remember that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 I am sick of feeling sad... I am going to delete all the memories of him. It is sad to delete 3 1/2 years of my life, but it would be less painful than remembering him and pining over it. The day after the breakup, I put a lot of things which reminded me of him too much in the box. I couldn't put everything there, because, then, my apartment will be stripped of naked. I've been trying to embrace the things not in the box as mine separate from him. Now, I want to throw out all the things in the box. The only thing which keeps me from doing it is "what ifs". Because, in the end, what if he comes back, and I threw out those things? I know, I am full of conflicts.... I've been reading a lot of posts about people getting back together. In those stories people simply say "#(>3) months after the breakup, they got back together". Simple. What they don't say is, how devastated the dumpee was. How hard those periods were for the people who were left behind. I hope that someday I can say "# months later, we got back together", but at the same time, I don't want this period to be simply summed as "# months later." Anyone understands this? Calblee, thank you for your encouragement. I guess I will have 10 other great days now! =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 When he broke up with me, he said that I was very close to it, but not perfect. He threw out what we had because I was not perfect. He also said that I satisfied everything on the list he was looking for in his spouse, but his gut feeling was not right. He doesn't deserve me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Breathing in, I am a beautiful flower. Breathing out, I am blooming. Breathing in, I am a beautiful flower. Breathing out, I am blooming. Breathing in... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calblee Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 i understand how you feel exactly. when i was trying to clear out my wardrobe, i was holding on to the fact that what if i throw all this or that and we get back together. i was throwing out things that i kept for 7 years! in the end, i just threw it out because i know in my heart that is impossible to get back together even if my heart says yes , we can. i put everything that reminds me of her in one small box. everything else goes into the bin. one tip for you - do all these in 1 day because you will end up feeling emotional and contact him. that was what happened to me and it led to my post on NY day. take care bbp. it only gets easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueberrypie Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 i understand how you feel exactly. when i was trying to clear out my wardrobe, i was holding on to the fact that what if i throw all this or that and we get back together. i was throwing out things that i kept for 7 years! in the end, i just threw it out because i know in my heart that is impossible to get back together even if my heart says yes , we can. i put everything that reminds me of her in one small box. everything else goes into the bin. one tip for you - do all these in 1 day because you will end up feeling emotional and contact him. that was what happened to me and it led to my post on NY day. take care bbp. it only gets easier. Thank you, Calblee. I already put some things in the box. If I try to put more, it would become almost everything I own. I was saying that I wanted to throw out things which were already in the box, because I didn't want to hold on to anything. For some reason, I just can't contact my ex. The last time I talked to him after the breakup, it ended up hurting me too much. And I am afraid of getting hurt like that again. (It hurt because after the first 10 minutes of relationship talk, we had very normal, warm, and cheerful talk. We both laughed a lot. And after all that, we were still broken up. ) We were seeing a couple's therapist, and after seeing her twice, my ex broke up with me because he felt that nothing was resolved after seeing her twice. (I was thinking, of course, it wasn't going to be resolved after seeing her twice!! We should give more time. ) Anyways, after he broke up with me, both the couple's therapist and my old therapist suggested that we should meet up with the couple's therapist one more time even if we would separate for good. They said that it would help both of us for the future (although both of them suggested that it would probably bring us back). So when we talked last time, he said that he would think about it, and would let me know. At the end of the phone call, I asked where we should go from there. He said that he would contact me. He is very slow at thinking. And I knew that I would get impatient, so I asked if it would be terrible if I ended up contacting him. He said that either way we would talk again. That was 6 1/2 weeks ago. Obviously, he didn't contact me. And although I said that I might want to contact him, I just can't contact him. It is weird. I miss him immensely. But, I just can't contact him. I am afraid of hearing him saying that he's moved on. (He said that he was moving on when he and I talked last time.) I am glad that I can't call him. I know that if it is going to work out, he has to reach out to me. And he even has a very good excuse to contact me. The very fact that he hasn't yet, proves that he is not ready. He will contact me when he is ready. (because, seriously, I don't think he will contact me to tell me that he doesn't want to see the couple's therapist with me after all this time. ) btw, why do you know in your heart that it is impossible to get back together? I am curious, because, my heart is still reaching out to him. And after all this time, I still think that we needed this break up to resolve a lot of issues, but we are still right for each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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