Death and Relationships

[Beaver]

My gf found out a few weeks ago that her mother is dying of cancer. Since then our interactions have changed. She has lost a lot of her desire for us to be intimate or affectionate or even communicate openly and I have been struggling, trying to adapt and figure out how to be most supportive. She recently explained that shes going through a lot emotionally (which I obviously presumed) and has been questioning the permanency of relationships and dealing with the fear of not wanting to expose herself to more hurt. Also, she has said she cannot focus on us and her family equally, which is again very understandable. I have tried to reassure her that I love her and I am willing to be there for her in any way she needs, whether that is giving her space, etc.

 

She most recently has said that she desires a friendship and "doesn't want to complicate things" by being intimate. She said I deserve a better girlfriend who can be fully invested. I tried to explain that I am prepared to be compromising and understanding as a bf and give her space while being there for her. I also explained that I think I can be a friend to her while being a compromising boyfriend (I mentioned that relationships are bound to have good times and bad times - both within and without), but that does not seem to satisfy her. She said she does not want the burden of a relationship on her mind. She explained she is a private person and deals with things on her own. She has said she wants to be with me but honestly doesn't know what is going to happen in the future and can't think about us right now and wants to distance herself.

 

I really care about her and want to be with her and be there for her. I do think she is distancing herself because she is scared, hurting, and does not know how to begin to include me into that complex - I am not criticizing her because I definitely don't know how I would respond were the tables turned.

 

My Questions: Do I just give her space and wait to see what happens in the coming months? I have been trying not to push any intimacy issues, which is hard because I am very affectionate and want to hug her and kiss her when I see her. Do I just try to treat her as a platonic friend and wait to see how she responds as time progresses? I can see the affection and intimacy we shared fading more and more each day, which is hard.

 

This has been tough and I am not sure how to respond to her without upsetting her.

 

Has anyone experienced this?

[AmyWebber]

My friends boyfriend went through this. His mother was diagnosed with cancer only a few months to live, he withdrew from her, stopped contact really, but she stuck by him even when he pushed her away. She never asked him to do anything but always made herself available to him no matter what the circumstance. They are still together now, but like you, she didn't know what to do or how to give him space without losing that person. She doesn't regret doing it, because he really needed someone even though he wanted to shut off anyone who could cause him hurt.