Can I get him back?

[MuscleSpasm]

He broke my heart last night. He asked for a break three weeks ago, after he revealed that he had been having doubts about us (not unusual for him). I started crying, but I was trying not to. He's a commitment-phobe, but he was trying to work it out with me. He's been under a terrible financial stress and hates seeing me cry. After that night he said he didn't think he could make me happy when he was under so much stress himself. He wanted a break until his life was back together. Since finding a job in his field is so difficult, I asked how long it would take.

 

I had been trying to cooperate in the break, but I didn't know how to behave. I was upset and the break was very hurtful. I let him know this but also that I would still be there and wait. two nights ago I had gotten annoyed at him for not editing my essay earlier (I'm a masters student and he's an English major. He agreed to do it, though I had given him an option not to). I was stressed and I took it out on him. The next day he called to break up with me. He said the break wasn't fair to me and that it was hurting me. He said he cared about me and loved me, but not as more than a friend.

 

He drove an hour to meet me by my house because I wanted to give him back his stuff. I gave him back everything he ever gave me and his Christmas present. I refused to take his present for me. Then he left. We didn't talk except for him trying to force me to take my present.

 

I called him while drunk, he ignored it. I then texted while drunk how being ignored was very rude. Today I texted him asking if we could meet on Wednesday because I'll be in his area and I need answers and closure. He said he would answer everything via email but that meeting in person would not be good for either of us. I told him he owes me that much and I need closure in order to forget him and move on.

 

But I don't want to move on. I love this man.

 

What do I do? Did I already screw it up by drunk texting and asking to meet?

 

Your stories, advice and and even venting with me are very helpful. I'm pretty upset by all of this and feel very alone.

[andama08]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. I have just gone through a very painful break up as well. Honestly, the best thing you can do is move on (I know that isn't what you want to hear right now, but keep reading). I would suggest going no contact until you are healed. Right now you are probably not in a good emotional state to see him, you want to avoid acting needy or desperate around him. He will want to come back to someone who is strong and confident, not someone who is lonely and desperate...get my drift?

 

Also, take this time to better yourself. Sign up for a fitness class, do things that you love to do, learn a new skill, go out with friends, take a road trip, etc. It may be hard when you feel sad, but force yourself to do these things...I know I had to in the beginning. You will soon see that you do not need him in your life to be happy. You only need yourself. He may notice all these positive changes in your life, he also may realize he misses you when you have cut him out of your life, and he may not. Its all a game of chance. But if you follow this advice in a few months you will be in a VERY good place, I promise you that. Some other guy will notice these changes you've made as well...the possibilities are endless.

 

And for the record one of the reasons mine gave for breaking up with me was he saw me more as a friend also...he did things with me he wouldn't do with his friends...*rolls eyes*

[bulletproof]

My advice is to stop everything a.s.a.p. Your job right now is to be cool. I have been where you are, and I would be very happy if I could step in a time machine and change the way I behaved. In hindsight, I would have grieved on my own time and let him wonder what I was doing. He has made his decision, so you have to respect that. Andama's post is right on- start becoming very busy, change some things about your life, and by the time he wants you back, you will have moved WAY on.

[fob]

How long were you guys together for? But yeah you are in the panic mode right now, try to be hopeful in the first week or two, it'll be the hardest time of your life.. I've been through it. Just tell yourself, if you've been good to your boyfriend, he'll miss you, and I'm sure he'll make his way to contact you in the next couple of weeks. Give each other space, this is not the end.

 

Unless there is a 3rd person involved, then it could take him longer to realize how much he misses you.

[MuscleSpasm]

Im drunkj now. I am trying to type proprerly though. I'm sorry. I jst accidently sent a glooooong rant to my friend exaplaing everything to her in a text, but accidently sent it to him too!!

 

I t was about how much of an idiot he's being and how this is premanant.

 

I'm ruining evetything, aren't I?

 

we date d for 10 months.

[bulletproof]

Okay, please stop drinking. Not just tonight, but for the very near future as well. All it's doing is making you more depressed and allowing you to continue contacting him by using drunkenness as an excuse. Show him you are better than this. Show yourself you are better than this.

[MuscleSpasm]

bu t I'm not

[bulletproof]

You're not what? Better than being drunk and angry? Of course you are. We all are. I will dismiss that as drunk talk, but when you sober up and re-read this thread tomorrow, you have to work on how you feel about yourself. This is serious stuff.

[MuscleSpasm]

I stoped drinking. I have issued with depression and se fl esteem. I'm on anti deprssants and have psychologist I see weekly. He helps me pro-bono. I tried calling him today but no answer. I wil take this break up worse than norma, people would.

[bulletproof]

Good job stopping drinking. When you see your psychologist, tell him everything you said here. And remember that if you think that you will take this breakup worse, then you will- try not to set yourself up for failure that way. You can handle this breakup incredibly gracefully if you choose to, and if you seek out the proper support.

[thekid55]

If you want him back, then here's what you need to do.

 

1. Do not call him, text him, contact him, etc until you get your emotions in check. Even then, let him make the next move.

2. Agree with him that you needed this breakup to happen and that you should both start dating other people.

3. Start to fake that everything is alright because eventually, everything will be alright again.

4. Fake indifference.

 

You have to realize that right now, he is in love with his negative thoughts about your situation. His negative thoughts are 100% correct. If you try to go against them, you will lose every time. If you choose to just accept and agree with him, they will start to lose their luster. Basic reverse psychology.

 

If you keep trying to 'force him' into seeing you, the more you push him away. Completely agree with everything he says in the short-term since it really means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

[andama08]

I have depression and anxiety as well and am on meds for it. One of the things my doctor recommended was to stay away from alcohol because it is a natural depressant itself and doesn't help when you already feel bad. Exercise and being outdoors will naturally make you feel better. Stay strong!

[MuscleSpasm]

I know I should stay away from alcohol, but I needed to be able to stop thinking for a little bit, and the only way I could do that was by sleeping or drinking, and since I've been sleeping the entire day, I'm totally awake right now.

 

How did you learn this strategy The kid55?

 

What if all of these tips just backfire and he doesn't come back? He said he needed to get his life in order and it'll be a while before he finds a job in his chosen career

I've already drunk texted him about 4 times now since yesterday when he broke up with me. And I asked him to meet with me on Wednesday so that I could get closure and move on and forget about him. Do I take that request back?

 

I liked your post because it gave me hope, even though I'm trying to prepare for the fact that I will never see the man I love ever again. That small little inkling of hope is what might keep me from going all psycho-ex on him.

[bulletproof]

What if all of these tips just backfire and he doesn't come back?

 

The tips are not just to get him back... they are going to help you feel better, too, if you truly stick to them. And since you will be healing while this is going on, if he does in fact come back, you might not want him.

 

Don't hinge everything on the small hope of him coming back. Live your life as though it is truly over. I promise it will get easy with time. I realize you think you will never love anyone again, but you probably will.

[thekid55]

I know I should stay away from alcohol, but I needed to be able to stop thinking for a little bit, and the only way I could do that was by sleeping or drinking, and since I've been sleeping the entire day, I'm totally awake right now.

 

Drinking never helps when you are going through heartbreak. You may think it'll 'remove' you from your issues, but in reality, it just makes you feel 10x worse the next morning.

 

How did you learn this strategy The kid55?

 

Not a strategy. It's just valuing yourself more. Plus, ask yourself if what you've done so far has worked.

 

What if all of these tips just backfire and he doesn't come back? He said he needed to get his life in order and it'll be a while before he finds a job in his chosen career

 

There's not fool-proof 100% guaranteed way to get him back. The reasons he gave you are lies and basically a pure excuse. The thing is, when you start to give them what they want (space to 'get his life in order'), they tend not to want it as much anymore. If he ever questions you as to why you don't text him or call him, you tell him that he said he needed time and space to get his life in order and you aren't going to wait around because life is too short. Saying something like that proves you value yourself more than what he is giving you. Powerful attractive mojo.

 

I've already drunk texted him about 4 times now since yesterday when he broke up with me. And I asked him to meet with me on Wednesday so that I could get closure and move on and forget about him. Do I take that request back?

 

Just don't bring it up again. See if he does bring it up and if he does, you tell him that 'Hey, I realize that you are right. You need time and space to get your life together, to find a new job, etc. While I did prefer that our relationship worked out, I realize that that it's not possible at all right now, so I need space so I can move on'. He won't like that answer at all. Trust me.

 

I liked your post because it gave me hope, even though I'm trying to prepare for the fact that I will never see the man I love ever again. That small little inkling of hope is what might keep me from going all psycho-ex on him.

 

Always agree with him because right now, he is in love with his negative feelings. His negative feelings are 100% right. You defeat negative feelings by agreeing.

 

Believe me, having a crazy ex is an excellent ego boost. He knows that he can have you whenever he wants, so there's no motivation. Once you take that away, it'll get him thinking.

 

In the mean time, hit the gym, get out with friends, start dating other men as soon as possible. I can't stress the notion of dating again enough. It'll make you feel great in the presence of other men. It's an ego boost. It tells you that there is someone out there besides your ex. Who knows, this guy you date may be a better fit than your ex. And I can say with a lot of certainty that when you start dating, he'll probably hear about it and start to become interested again. If you are just sitting around, crying, telling him you can't go on without him, you are demonstrating very low self worth. Would that be attractive to you?

 

So basically, get out there, live your life, show your ex that you respect their wishes by leaving them alone. He'll come looking for you in time.

[piruru]

thanks for your posts, thekid55. I know you're helping the thread starter, but your words have been helpful to me too. Thank you for your advice.

[kuteknish]

we love thekid55!

[MuscleSpasm]

I know drinking doesn't help, but I can't figure out how to survive right now

 

I keep on thinking about the fact that he said he loves me, but only as a friend. He's had those feelings before but they went away when we went on dates and paid attention to each other. When we were busy and stressed, the romance left as well. And now he's made such a big, life altering decision when we never had any dates to see if there was hope of salvaging it.

 

I doubt that he will ever message me or call or ask why I'm not messaging him. He's a really good guy and I've already told him that if we ever broke up, I would never talk to him again. He'd fear rejection and therefore not message me. Plus, he thinks this breaking up is good for me. He thinks he can't treat me right when he's all stressed out, and that won't change later either.

 

Dating is difficult, and I assume it'll be harder now that I've gained a bit of weight (I was happy in a relationship and gained 10 lbs Plus, how do I meet men? I met this ex from Plenty of Fish, but he was the rare one who wasn't a total douchebag. He wouldn't hear about it though, we have no mutual friends. His best friend stopped replying to me as well, and I don't know why. I didn't over text the best friend. Maybe sent him two texts and a phone call.

 

I really think it's hopeless and it's really getting to me. I've been in bed this whole weekend. I'm neglecting school and work. I can't do this.

[thekid55]

What city do you live in? If it's big, there are plenty of opportunities to meet singles, go out with friends, etc.

 

What you are going through is very normal, but I can promise you that time will help. Time heals all wounds. You will look back on this one day and realize that it made you stronger.

[MuscleSpasm]

I live in the suburbs with my controlling parents.

 

I've only had two boyfriends, both who've now dumped me. Coupled with the fact that I already had low self -esteem because of my childhood, it's just not good. I feel worthless and unworthy. And I'm so lonely. My good friends all live about an hour away and they're all in happy relationships. Hardly anyone calls me. And if I do go out with them, I'm stuck being the third wheel yet again. I've never had a new years kiss, a valentine, nothing. I'm doomed to be alone forever.

 

My last breakup, I had completely lost it. I did everything you're not supposed to do and lost my dignity. I don't want to do that again. But it took me roughly two years to get over that. Granted, he did love to sting me along, but I still can't wait two years again to be happy!

[MuscleSpasm]

I've been in bed all day. I cant's sleep now. I have this overwhelming urge to text him and remind him that I love him or that I miss him.

 

[MakeItCount]

Noone says you have to wait two years to be happy again. Look at it this way. The last guy strung you along, and it took you a long time to get over him. This guy is requesting space, GIVE IT TO HIM!! It'll help you IMMENSELY as well, you need to step back and heal. Don't text. He knows you love him and miss him. I'm sure he misses you too. Trust me on this.

 

You must leave him alone. Concentrate on yourself. Hit the gym, lose those 10lbs you gained during it. Healing up after a breakup is all about you. I couldn't function for the first couple of weeks. Then, I got my ass in gear, started hitting the gym again. Gained a good 15 lbs (which I lost in the first 2 weeks) and counting. I went from doing 21's (a form of bicep curl) with a 35 lb weight to a 55lb weight in a month and a half. I feel better than ever now. Stronger, healthier, and most of all, wiser.

 

I spent a lot of time reading up on attraction, health, and threads on here about how to heal properly. You have an advantage over me - you know this forum exists. USE IT!! There's a TON of excellent information here. I always recommend threads by CrapatNc, Superdave71, Zorba, Jeffster, and various others. Stop making the mistakes all dumpees make. Be strong, get yourself back, and again, LEAVE HIM ALONE! You haven't done much damage yet, but the more you keep being needy, the more it'll push him away. Show him you are stronger than he thinks you are. Take some time out to grieve by yourself or on here when you need. There's always plenty of people up late who will be willing to help you vent and go through your emotions.

 

Also, stop messaging/calling his best friend. It won't do any good. It puts him in an awkward position, it'll annoy your ex, and it'll make you feel bad. Just don't do it. Anything to do with his life right now is out of the question.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things will get better. We were all in your position at one time or another, and we are doing much better. As I said, I could barely function after my breakup. I sat on my couch and read literally hundreds if not thousands of articles about how to get your ex back. I downloaded/bought books on how to get your ex back. All worthless. Use the advice on here.

 

I hope you're feeling better.

[MuscleSpasm]

I wish you had posted that an hour ago. haha.

 

I had a panic attack that I would never hear his voice, see his face, ever again. I called three times and texted three times. The first one basically asking "what happened?", the second one apologizing and saying that I was trying to leave him alone, and the last one to remind him of a gift certificate he had bought in August for couples dance classes which might expire soon- to give that to his best friend and his gf.

 

I tried not to call or text. But I couldn't breathe.

 

I'm slowly but surely screwing up any chances of reconciliation and I'm trying to stop myself, but I can't seem to manage the overwhelming sadness I experience when I think of a future without him.

[MakeItCount]

Sorry, I was doing my duty in war...aka playing black ops lol.

 

Okay well, let's analyze this. You sent him one message. He didn't reply. Then you apologized and said you'd leave him alone. He didn't reply. Then you texted him again. He didn't reply.

 

Now, how bad did you feel after each message? It started compounding didn't it? You felt worse and worse. Why are you doing this to yourself. You're running on emotions right now, not logic. I want you to read this a month down the line. $20 says you'll say to yourself "Oh dear lord what the hell drove me to do that?!".

 

You have to realize - perhaps you'll never see him again, perhaps you'll never talk to him again. IMO, chances of that are super slim. However, the longer you keep doing this to yourself and to him, the more and more you'll push him away. Life goes on after an ex. Much like it did before him. I know saying this won't do you much good because you're very emotional, but please, for the love of god, or whatever you believe in, PLEASE stop texting him.

[MuscleSpasm]

Thank you for your advice. As you might have read, I have a few issues that I see a psychologist for. I cant wait to see him on Wednesday! He's in for a surprise and how far I've fallen in just one week.

 

I'm really driving him away, I know it, but I couldn't stop myself in that moment. I had waited, watched South Park, and then I panicked about the fact that I wouldn't ever see or talk to him again -- which then makes me act like a fool -- which then pushes him away = self-fulfilling prophecy

 

I've heard WoW is powerfully addictive. So much so that it ruins lives lol. Maybe I should buy that to channel my energy into that when I'm up late at night. Or The Sims? I've always wanted to play the Sims.