What is the right amount of parental involvement at age 38?

[floridagirlal]

I'm 38, have been married & divorced, with 3 children. I'm engaged to be married again.

 

My mother calls last night and the first thing out of her mouth is, "Will I be invited to the wedding?". We have a very strained relationship as it is so I don't fuel her fire by responding to her ridiculous question. I just say "Of course". I then try to make her feel included in the wedding by asking her thoughts on the ceremony, etc. She then spends the next 45 mins questioning and instructing me on how to handle certain situations with my kids, my living arrangements, my ex-husband, etc. I finally try to reassure her trust in me by telling her that I've already thought about everything that she has mentioned a million times and I wouldn't be getting married if I didnt' think it was the right thing for me AND my kids. She gets upset and starts crying saying that she walks on eggshells for fear of making me mad. I tell her that I want to be able to have a real relationship with her where I can express my true self to her. She continues to cry and wants to get off the phone.

 

So, my question is, what is the right amount of involvement. I would really like to have them in my life but I want their support and not criticism.

 

Thoughts?

[LightbulbSun]

This is not your issue, this is your mother's. If she still continues to treat you like a little girl, even though you're 38 and mature enough to make your own decisions, then you should try to cut her out of your personal life as much as possible.

 

My opinion? Plan the wedding yourself and don't involve her in any of it. Then send her a card inviting her to the wedding. If she brings all of that negativity to your special day, then she'll be ostracized, not you.

[Grown]

My mother is like that and I'm your age also. It's difficult dealing with a parent like that. I'm not able to express anything to her if it's in opposition of her opinion or she'll say I'm arguing. So, when I speak to her, I'm forced to just "Yes Mom" through the entire conversation. There's no real relationship there, I'm her sounding board. She doesn't even seem to notice that I share zilch with her about MY life and seems to care even less.

 

I suggest you plan your wedding and live your life. You cannot try to make a healthy connection with her alone, she has to do her share and since she's not doing that, it's not happening. Continue being yourself, speaking your mind respectful and living your life. This truly is her issue, not yours. Just keep doing your part, remaining open to a healthy relationship. Either she'll come around or she won't. Accept that you have no control over anyone else but you - even when they're dead wrong.

[annie24]

yeah, that's my mom as well. i had a big event recently, she tried to invite people i didn't want there, and tried to uninvite people i wanted there.

 

i don't know what to tell you. i haven't figured out how to deal with my mom either.

[catfeeder]

I think of the motivation behind what my Mom says to me as her desire to feel needed and included and valued. So I indulge her and encourage her, even during times when she goes overboard. I say things like, "That's a good idea," or, "Thanks, I'll consider that," or, "Gee, you've given this a lot of thought--I really appreciate that." At first this opened some floodgates, but over time I've been relieved to learn that this has quelled her urgency.

 

I won't get into debates with her about what I'll end up doing. I take the pearls, I take the rest and scrap it later, or I take a credit on my self control and just allow certain things to fall flat or I'll change the subject--but life is too short and she's getting too old for me to turn our discussions into a power struggle. There's zero payoff to that, and it just makes me feel like a rebellious teenager who can't see past the moment. When these moments are over I want no regrets because anything can happen to one of us in between them.

 

My parents know every button to press, and when pressing doesn't work they might ramp up the volume until they grow bored with my stupidity and cheerfulness. Nobody can argue with someone who pretends not to notice what they're doing. Meanwhile, I get to know that I've made Ma feel special and loved. Those are the memories I'll want to hold onto--so that's the memory I create.

 

Every now and then I clean my purse of all the envelopes with my name on them filled with the coupons I've allowed to expire, and I giggle. I thank her when she hands me the next envelope, and that's how I've also come to accept the advice she compiles for my benefit.

[arcadefire]

It is difficult - my mother is the same. She just complained to me that she feels like I don't involve her in my life, or that I'm not thinking about her. I think with people like these (can be mom/dad/anyone), you just have to roll with it or act very calm but firm in your stance. In your case, you should tell her that you appreciate her opinions on this matter and you'll consider them. By saying this you are not agreeing or disagreeing to anything.

 

I know what you mean by your mother trying to enforce her desire onto you. Remember that this is your life, not hers. She lived hers, and wants to control your life. I can't think of anything more selfish than a parent doing this to an adult child.