My first 'public' journal.

[r0ckox]

it ain't finished when i clinch the division, i wanna win the pennant and let em all know who's the champion.

[r0ckox]

Here we are. Friday night fights. Or should I say friday night journals... haha.

Sitting alone in solitude once again. Enjoying this thing of mine. This silence. Just me and my thoughts... yeah, I like it that way.

 

Things have been getting better lately. I'm no longer in my depressed bullsh*t moods, I'm not thinkin' of A anymore, and well... I'm not drinking EVERYDAY anymore. (I AM drinking now, though. Hey, its friday people!!)

 

So yesterday I bumped into Chris and Polo... or chris and jose, couldn't tell who was driving. It had to be either Polo or Jose... I'm sure of it...They actually stopped and yelled "Whats good?!" out the window like I was going to come up and give them pounds. All I said was "Whats up?" and kept it moving. F*ck that. I haven't spoken to any of them since the summer, what the hell makes you think I wanna talk to them now?? Come on man. All they wanted was my money, they never gave a sh*t about me. Like I'm stupid.... like I'm just gonna be like "Oh hey man whats up? How you doing?! YEAH YEAH LETS GET TOGETHER."

 

Not. That life is looonngg gone for me. I've washed my hands. I'm through!

 

Next!

 

I finally caved in and bought the new COD ops - and I guess it was a pretty decent decision. I like it better than MW2, although I'm not too crazy about the single-player mode. Online is kinda cool though.

 

Besides all that, I am a little bummed though. Tonight is this girl I met's bday shin-dig and 2 weeks ago she had invited me, but ever since I got her number last week, I haven't heard anything so it looks like I'm not going to be part of the crowd. I'm not upset over it, but I was kind of looking forward to it, maybe I thought I was seen as something a little more than just the casual person that walks in that place where we met...but guess not. Oh well. It's not the first time my mind has deceived me.

I mean, I knew she liked me, but I'm too smart for this...and no, I'm not going to call her or text her to find out what she's doing. If she wants me there, she'd have said something. She had all week. We've never hung out outside of the place we met so it's silly of me to jump on her sh*t like "hey can i tag along?!?!" -- nah.

 

Guess I'll just lay back when I see her next time.

 

Anyway, I guess it's time to start rambling. I'm sitting here listening to music, and the alcohol is hitting me, so the rest of this post is going to be all over the wall... but screw it. It's been a little bit since I laid it all out.

 

Whatever.

 

Guess i'll just keep moving forward. the past is the past. live for the future, keep my foot on the gas.

Thats all there is to it. Life goes on. It moves forward with, or without you. The sooner we realize this, the better off we are. Living in the past, living like things owe us something.... its just silly. Screw that. Tomorrow is a new day. As long as I'm alive and not back in jail, things are fine.

 

So what, I owe lawyers money?

So what, I owe the DMV money?

SO what, I'm 24 and never had a meaninful relationship?

So what, my friends blow?

So what, every girl I come in contact with is useless?

So what, the only girl who meant anything to me is online and were not talking?

So what, Don comes back to the shop tuesday?

So what, I hate everything?

So what????

 

Seriously people... so what?

 

Life goes on. Don't we get it yet?

 

It goes. It comes fast, hard, and it doesn't care for us.

 

So we just embrace it. Yeah. keep it moving. Thats the only way ANYTHING will get better.

 

It ain't hard.

 

okay. im running out of things to think about, so i guess this is done for now. I'll update later i guess?

[r0ckox]

I'm befuddled today.

 

Tomorrow shouldn't be as befuddling.

 

Although it will be; because that's just how it goes around here.

[r0ckox]

Here it is people. Another monday night sitting in the cave, liquor in hand - music in my ears, and left alone for my thoughts to wander.

 

I guess it's my fault. Maybe if I wasn't so hateful, things would be different right? Maybe if I pretended to be more positive and outgoing and confident, I'd become more attractive to people. Right?

Maybe if I did this... switched that, thought this way, went over there and said this.... maybe if i did anything else... it would be different.

 

But it's not different. What I do, what I say, what I think, how I feel... none of that matters. Life happens. Things happen. People change. Thoughts change. Feelings fade. It all doesn't matter. In the grand-scheme of things.... it's just you. All alone. Your family is only there until they die off. Your friends? It's only temporary. Your relationship? It'll crumble soon. Give it time. Everything comes to an end.

 

The only thing that never ends.... is you. Being by yourself. Living life all alone.

 

Okay, obviously I'm feeling extremely low tonight. I had a decent weekend for the most part. Friday night I hung out with T and we killed 3/4ths a bottle of jack and played COD all night. We had a good time playing with Sean and the gang via the internet. We stopped at the establishment for a couple drinks on the way home, and unfortunately, that place was starting to bother me.

We did the same thing Saturday night. I've made it a point to never goto the "establishment" ever again. (Well, if my old-man wants to go, i'll go.. but other than that, no way.) simply because I get more depressed being there than I do sitting here.

That place is evil, and there isn't a good thing that can come of it. Screw that place. Faker than the breast pam rocks on her chest.

 

Sunday... well, I woke up and got off my ass at around 1pm. played some COD, and ultimately sat here until about 6ish, where I met my old-man and Mike over at the Kahuna. We hung out with the crew there. Rachel, Amanda, Paulie, Maria... it was a decent time overall. We saw the knicks take it to Atlanta. I got Amanda's number; but I'm not going to call her.

Despite the fact that she shows some minimal interest, she's just not worth it. She lives all the way out east, has no car, is only 19, and it's useless to pursue it...even though if I tried, I know I could have her.

 

Anyway, so here I am tonight.

 

I'm trying not to listen to depressing sh*t. I want to feel decent tonight; but I'm fully aware that the likelihood of that happening is slim to none. How can I feel good? The only good thing in my life turned out to be trash. The only person on the planet I actually cared about just threw it back in my face for pure enjoyment.

I'm a wreck. I'm useless. My self-worth has been shot. My self-esteem ran away with it's tail between it's legs a long time ago. My perception of good people, good woman, a good life, it's all been covered in clouds. My mind has been tainted for the final time.

 

People wonder why guys act like d*cks and whatnot. Wanna know why? You want the TRUTH?

It's because of you women. That's right. It's the women that made us this way. With their bullsh*t. Their games. Their manipulation.

 

Psh. Focus a little bit, would ya?

 

Nah. Don't even bother. You won't get it. Nobody ever does.

 

Welcome to the world of the Aquarius, people. We're on a different planet. A different wave-length.

We're nuts, right? Sick, Psychotic, Ridiculous.

 

This is me.

 

---

 

I did a good thing today. I logged onto facebook, and deleted everybody I could give a sh*t about. The people I don't talk to at all, to the people that I don't talk to anymore. The people who I know don't bother with me, to the people who've faded away. Pretty soon I'm going to delete the whole account, just because there's no need to keep in touch.

I feel very good about this, too. Yes, my "friends list" shrank down to a mere 82 people; but guess what? Out of those 82 people, guess how many I keep in touch with..... 3? 4? maybe, MAYBE 10?

 

Waste of time.

 

-------------------

 

 

god damnit.

 

just........ god damnit.

 

Another useless night. Why the hell am I even writing here? Nothings helping.

I need to get the f*ck away.

Need to get the hell out of here. I'm sitting here night after night trying to figure out a puzzle that nobody on earth can figure out. A woman.

She's the reason I'm this messed up. She's the reason I don't know what the F*CK is wrong with me.

She's the reason I look like a "psychotic" idiot. She's the reason I drink now more than I ever did. She's the reason I can't look a girl in the eyes and tell her that she's OKAY.

She's the reason I sit here night after night, pouring liquor down my throat wishing I wasn't in this crap situation.

 

Thanks for nothing, b*tch.

7 years. Friendship, games, lies, bullsh*t.

 

It's all your fault. You did this.

 

F*ck this, goodnight.

[r0ckox]

Well.. I did it. I'm walking away for good. Forever.

You f*cked up, you stupid b*tch. You were the ONE person on the planet I thought was worth something -- and now? You're the ONE person on the planet I want dead. That's right. Dead.

 

I feel f*cking great, too.

 

Go F*ck yourself, b*tch.

 

 

---

 

other than that. It's tuesday. I'm hanging out solo again. Got my 4-loko's, and will just sit here trying to pick myself up after the last year and a half. It's apparent that I'm scarred. I'm hurt. I've lost my self-esteem. Self worth. Confidence.

 

Guess what? I'll get it all back. One day, I'll be myself again. That's right. I'll come back to life. I'll be the man with the plan, running the show all over again.

 

It's all thanks to you.

 

Anyway.

 

Tonight I'm gonna get high, get drunk, get lit. Get a limo, and after that -- get some chicks. Get a tattoo, get a new nickname, get the f*ck out of my way, balkz is at it again.

It's that simple. Things turn around RIGHT NOW.

 

Welcome to hell. The bouncer stamped my hand years ago. I've had a booth reserved forever.

 

-----------

 

 

god-DAMN i feel good. I'm so happy I sent that sh*t to her.

I feel freaking amazing right now. Finally free. Hell, I'm even going to change my number so she cant even try and get in touch.

 

It aint finished when i clinch the division .... i wanna win the pennant and let em all know whos the champion.

it's that simple.

its time for me to grind, its time for me to shine, so YES.. its my time.

[r0ckox]

I still feel freaking amazing.

 

Don't you dare try and come back from this.

 

You'll never walk back into my life again.

 

To the mods -- I don't really want her dead. Just venting frustration.

 

However -- you are dead to me.

[r0ckox]

Dear * * * * * * * ,

 

You're a complete piece of * * * * . What the * * * * is the matter with you? You ruined, and threw away the only good thing that's EVER been in your life. All for what? Some bull * * * * ? Ashley has been there for you since day one. After you broke up with her, and broke her heart back in 2004, she waited a whole year and came walking right back into your life. What did you do, * * * * bag? You sat there and ignored her. You treated her like she was just some fat girl who you couldn't be bothered with..... and then all of a sudden, she gets skinny and you want to date her? What the * * * * is wrong with you? How could you be so god-damn cruel? You bugged out on her. You made her feel like * * * * . You did nothing to show her that you were serious about anything, except get mad and jealous and act like a tool. You don't deserve her love. That's why she hasn't shown you it... because you're utter trash. You're a complete moron and you deserve to be alone for as long as you live. How dare you promise her something, then go back on your word. Is this how you were taught to live? To look for the bad things, and not the good? That girl cared about you. You made her feel like * * * * and she came crawling back time after time. You * * * * ing jerkoff.

 

I can't believe the way you are. I can't believe that you're that much of a * * * * ing p*ssy, you can't even see what's good for you.

 

You belong back in jail.

 

-Me.

 

 

This is my last post here. I've destroyed myself, and someone else all because I can't handle the fact that I care for someone.

 

I don't deserve to be here.

[r0ckox]

oh yeah... im drinking again.... its always the same. that same old story..after the kicks, there's little old mixed up me, trying to lose a dream that used to be. look at me, im drinking again, drinking all over town.. yeah im drinking again.. till it comes around.

 

 

 

 

P.S

 

that last post.... man.... should never have posted it.

i felt bad about things, but damn.

she don't care.

[r0ckox]

Here it is, people.... Monday night Raw.

 

Sittin' back in the man-cave. A clean man-cave that is...........!!

Been a little while since I've been here to write. Obviously, if you have read this disgusting thing I call a journal, the last 2 months have driven me up the wall with emotions; but that's only because I just can't stand games. There's nothing I hate more than when someone enters my life, acts a certain way, then I find out it was all a lie, then have them come back, try and fix it, mess up again, come back, treat things the same.. and so on.

It was a never ending cycle with the girl I've dubbed as "A" - and I think I've finally ended it.

 

Last time I spoke to her was 11 days ago. The night before that, I had texted her and told her that it was time she forget about me and allow me to move on so I can heal from the wounds I've felt from her. She briefly fought me, but didn't put up much of a fight, and as I continued to explain why I thought that way, she ingored me. The next day, I called her because I hate being ignored and wanted to see if she had anything to say - and I was told I'm psychotic, crazy, insane, that she doesn't take me seriously anymore, and that half the time she doesn't even want to talk to me at all. (make a note*** the stuff in this journal, she didnt ever read nor did i ever say to her... so its not like the crazy way I can be seen from here is what she saw, too.)

Apparently she thinks I'm just upset that she won't "be with me" -- but what she doesn't see is that, it's not about that. It's about the way she DID things. The way we came to this conclusion.

 

She also went on to say that she wants to be there for me to help me through my "depression" and wants us to hang out on a regular basis as friends. Not something I want to hear, again.

So - it's simple people.... what do you do when you have feelings for someone who doesn't have them back? You go NC.

 

11 days and counting... and man... since then - I've been in good spirits. I'm not as sad as I was, I'm not drinking as much as I was (except tonight, but that's just boredom.) and overall -- I feel good. NC is what I need.

 

She has tried to get in touch with me, though. I'm not caving. 11 days is good. Let's make it to 30!

 

Anyway, other than all that nonsense... Donny is leaving the shop May 27th, and that means I take his job. Significant raise, more responsibility, and some freedom to do things my own way.

I'm looking forward to be 2nd man in control for once. I don't want to disappoint my old-man, but I know it's gonna be rough just me and him. We'll possibly have to hire someone to take my current job, though.

Part of me is nervous, because this will be for more than just a few days... it's permanent. Anything that goes wrong falls on me. My guys aren't doing their jobs... it falls on me.

Customers are unhappy with the quality of the job... it's on me.

 

At 24 years old, this is a lot to handle; but I'm confident I can do it. I need a reason to wake up in the morning, so this will be good for me. If only I could take my head out of my ass, I'd be good.

 

I created another username here in hopes to find the root of the emotional problems I'm facing. I've started another journal in which I'm kind of telling my "life story" so maybe I can figure out what the hell happened; why I am the way I am; and what I can do in the future to prevent the mindset I've grown to call my own.

I'm well aware I have acceptance, trust, self-esteem, and self-worth issues -- but when everyone you know finds a way to betray you, how else are you supposed to think?

 

Literally, everyone I've ever met has found a way to stab me in the back, and it's just not fair... Yeah, I did my dirt back in the day. I did things that the rest of you wouldn't call "good" or "decent" -- but sometimes you do what you gotta do... but I never deserved this kind of pain. Never deserved the people I called my friends to stab me in the back for nothing.

I never deserved disrespect, and the feeling that I was being used and abused.

 

It's messed up....but I'll find the root of it all, and I'll fix it.... and one day..... I'll be happy again. I can promise that.

 

Anyway... on to new business.

 

I've been playing a sh*tload of TFC lately.. trying to bring back the old days, and for the most part.. it takes my mind off a lot of things because I'm too busy playing Defense on the kids that want to cap my flag. I wish I was more involved with TFC over the last 2 years.. maybe then things would be different with my mindset. IDK. I am happy though.

 

I want to take down Drippy's server - and have mine; "The Tavern" be the spot to goto... but I doubt itll ever happen.... so Tadas and myself are trying to make a new game.. pure deathmatch.

By the way it looks - he's not into it as much as I am. I'm the one making the ideas while he's just sitting there, so this will just be another thing that hits the bricks basically... it's a shame.

It would be nice to have something to call ours. Our own sh*t..... good luck, though.

 

 

I've recently learned how to think ahead... so that's why I fight with my pen. (this journal)

 

but overall... right now... I'm happy. I'm loving this piece of trash life of mine. Like I said at the top....... not sad anymore............

 

 

feeling good.

 

I'll have a much better update next time, people.

 

I lost track of time within the last hour or so; but whatever.

[r0ckox]

.........yesterday was tuesday.

[r0ckox]

I had a lot of fun last night!

 

I skipped out on Sean's bday bar-hopping and went over to the "establishment" with my friend, Todd - and I actually enjoyed myself to the point of no return....

 

 

Feels good to have myself back, again =)

[r0ckox]

Okay, it's been a while since I really sat here and vented out what's been going on... in fact, it's been about 2 months since I posted a 'real' entry here, with the exception of the small update on April 26th.

 

I've been up and down over the last two months, it's literally been crazy - but for the first time in nearly 2 years, I'm starting to get back to 'normal' again. This comes with the fact that I've finally let go of A.

And no, I don't mean I haven't talked to her in a few days and mentally let her go, I mean it's going on day 25 NC. She's tried to get in touch with me 3 times since I made the decision to go, and I've kept strong and haven't responded. I don't believe I'm going to cave. If I can go 25 days, I can go 65. I already explained in brief detail on my last update about it, but I'll write it again just for the hell of it.

 

Our last conversation was what really did it for me. The day before it, I sent her a text message asking her to forget I exist, and to let me go and allow me to heal and find happiness elsewhere. She briefly fought me on the issue before finally ignoring me for the rest of the night like she would usually do if I was saying things she didn't like. The next day I called her and we had our last conversation.

 

On the phone, she practically yelled in my ear about how angry and frustrated she was with me, telling me that I was psychotic, insane, crazy, that she didn't take me seriously at all and that half the time she didn't even want to talk to me. She also told me that I'm acting like a girl who's just upset that she won't be with me. That pretty much sealed the deal for me, but what REALLY put the nail in the coffin was that once she calmed down, she told me she'd call me back later that night, and never did. I texted her a few hours later, and didn't hear back from her for a WEEK, where when I did hear from her - it was just general small-talk BS - so I didn't respond, and have kept NC ever since.

 

Honestly, it's one of the best things I've ever done. I'm happier. The depression I was in this whole time has been lifted and I find myself turning back into the guy I was before that dreadful summer of 2009. Things are looking up and even now as I write this, I have to smile.

 

I think back over the last two years, and I realize that she never respected me. The way she'd hang up on me and ignore me for days when she was pissed told me so. The way we'd have plans and then she'd get all upset about something and blow off the plans without a single word said, told me so. The way she'd come back after blowing off the plans and not even apologizing, told me so.

The way I'd try and make plans and she'd agree, then cancel literally the second it was time to meet, told me so.

The way she forced me into "bugging out" because she wouldn't just talk to me, then told me later on that I can never talk to her like a human, told me so.

The stupid jokes about how if I didn't have a dog, then she wouldn't care and wouldn't have a reason to see me, told me so.

 

Everything told me so, and I tried so hard to overlook everything.... and now that it's finally over - I'm becoming ME again. It's great.

 

I mean, even when I drink - the depressing thoughts aren't even there. Now it's just joking around and all that fun sh*t that use to happen. I found my cause for depression, and have eliminated it. Plain and simple.

 

But with that, there still is some lingering sadness that I'm encountering. Right now, I believe that I'm just not someone who's supposed to have a romantic relationship with a girl...and no, I hate dudes so don't even think anything that.

It just seems like I can never get a girl to want to date me, or commit herself to me in ANY way.

Take for instance, Jolie.

 

This was a girl who liked me back in 2005 when we met. She threw herself at me but I made the mistake of turning my head when she went to kiss me, because I didn't realize she was doing so, and ended up giving her my cheek. She took this as rejection and we lost touch soon after. We met up again a year later and I became the "side guy" who she cheated on her boyfriend with. She even spent her 1-year anniversary of the relationship, with me. But she wouldn't leave her boyfriend to commit things with me, and ultimately, it crushed me and we had to stop talking for a while due to it. She later broke up with her boyfriend and immediately was hung up on someone else, like I was nothing.

 

Take for instance, Heather.

This was a girl I actually got to date me, for a month... although it wasn't a real relationship. There was no intamacy, no nice conversations... just booze, drugs, and sex (once). We "broke up" after only a short month because she had to go away for the summer, and when she came back - I was looking for something better than that and we never really got anything going again, except for small hook ups here and there. She tried a few times over the years to get me back, or to at least form a FWB thing with me, but I wanted something real so it never happened.... now? She won't even talk to me.

 

Take for instance, Sasha.

This was a girl I met through a friend of mine, who at the time was having sex with her on a somewhat regular basis. She was the typical coke-head, drug addict alcoholic broad who was willing to sleep with anything for no reason at all. The first time we met, my friend wanted to peruse a romantic relationship with her, but she was being shady about it. Probably because she was seeing other guys.. but when we met, she wanted me to stay overnight at her house after a party. After we started hanging out and getting to know each other better, we started off slow... cuddling, kissing and such... and then one day she brought me into her room to have sex. At first I was all for it, until I realized there was no condom in sight, and she didn't even care. Wrong move #1 - and then I realized that it wasn't right because my friend liked her so much, so I took the high road and left.

After we talked about it, she told me that she didn't want to start anything with him, but was indeed into me. I didn't want to have sex right away and just wanted to take it slow, and when talk about starting something came up, she turned me down, and then sent emails to my friend about how she was willing to start something with him.

That crushed me as well, and I had to let her go; as she moved away to Brooklyn. Since then, I've seen her twice - and each time, she's ditched me for some guy.

 

Take for instance, A.

This was ultimately the girl that I thought was worth something. The girl who wasn't like the rest. She wasn't * * * * ty, showed me plenty of genuine interest, and put up with all the bullsh*t I dealt with. For years she acted like she wanted to get back together with me (after we broke up in 04) and as it turns out - I'm not the guy for her. She tried to tell me she's just not ready yet, but I'm not stupid. I know she doesn't feel the same way about me as I did for her...

 

and it just seems it's like that with every single woman I get involved with... I always like them more than they like me, and when they DO like me, they want to jump into bed right away, and when I want to take it slow, it's like a turn off or something. I thought it was the other way around? Isn't it supposed to be me wanting to hit the sack after a week?

 

There's other girls I can write about, but why take up the time? The fact remains true - I'm just not supposed to have that whole B/F G/F thing.. I'm not supposed to be that "special guy" to anyone. I don't know why... I know I haven't been society's best creation... I know my issues have lead me to believe more negative thoughts than most... I know that my life story is nothing anyone would want to make a movie out of, but seriously... don't I deserve SOME kind of emotional happiness?

I think I do.

 

BUT --

 

That will come.... until then....

 

at least I destroyed the most toxic thing in my life, right?

On to the healing.

[r0ckox]

as a baby it was ga-ga's and goo-goo's, then in my teens it changed to lies-lies and who's-who's.

[r0ckox]

After a very lazy and relaxing Sunday, I thought I'd come here and update this.

I spent some time re-reading this entire journal, all 4 pages - and I can't believe the way I felt. I guess you could say I acted kind of crazy on here, but it's not how I act in real life. The things I posted here were inner-thoughts, that I'd rarely communicate to anyone on the outside - but over all, I'm glad I had somewhere to vent it all out.

 

Things have been looking up a lot lately, and I can safely say I'm 100% back to my normal self.

This makes me proud, as I knew what it was going to take all along, but I just didn't want to believe it.

 

Anyway -- so Donny left the shop officially, and last week was my first week as acting-manager. It went rather smooth and we did fairly well for the little work we had. Tomorrow will be my first big test, as I'm sure we'll have 6 Geico jobs, plus the 4 I had set up over the weekend, plus the 1 or 2 walk-ins I have coming.

We'll be real busy and I'm really going to need these guys to have my back, but I can already see it's going to be a challenge.

 

John doesn't like that I gave him a lot of work this week, because Pete sits there and takes forever to do a simple job. John needs to understand that I give him the work BECAUSE Pete lacks in his turn-around time. By the time I have another job to put on the frame machine, Pete's still involved with what he's doing, and John's done with his last one. What else am I gonna do? I can't go crying to my old-man for John about how Pete takes forever and it's not fair he gets too much work. John makes a lot of money.

He also mentioned to me that Chris is going to lose it if I keep leaning on him... I need the f*cking guy to do tear-downs and to do small plastic jobs.. it's not leaning on him, it's that he's the only one to do it! I can't ask Bill to tear a car down for me, I can't ask Jerry to do a ton of plastic work... he's the only one. I can use Orlando for some tear-downs, but I don't know how much he can do.

 

On top of that, Rob from Geico informed me that we're going to have one non-driveable a day... that means even MORE for John to do.

 

It's like a high school thing over there. Just do your jobs, thats why you guys get paid top dollar.

Welcome to the ARX Program, people. This is what we signed up for.

 

I still keep in touch with Donny despite the fact he's no longer with us. We spoke on the phone the other day for a few minutes, and if we both have time on Friday, we may meet for lunch. I think it's a good thing to keep in touch with him... despite the fact that he was an as$hole, he was still my friend, and he treated my business like it was his own.. plus, he's one of the only people in the world that get me, just like I get him as well. I'm happy that even though we broke each other's balls a lot, we formed a good friendship.

There were a lot of times I really wanted to punch him, and I'm sure the same goes for him - but through it all and at the end, we were able to look into each other's eyes, shake hands, and wish each other well. I really do wish him the best of luck and hope this move he made to work for the town works out for him.

 

So it's been 50 days since I last said a word to A. She tried to get in touch with me a few times during this period, and the last time was either May 20th, or 21st where she left me a voicemail on my cell phone saying "Listen can you stop ignoring me please and f*ckin' call me? I need to talk to you" which I ignored. I haven't heard from her since, so I'm assuming she got the hint. I've thought about calling her or texting her to see what she wanted, but in all reality... what's the point? Our friendship got ruined because she messed with my head and emotions. She spent years acting like she wanted something with me, and when I wanted to make it happen - she played games and ended up making me hate her. What's the point in continuing a friendship now? It's been almost 2 years since we started this little dance. I look back on the things she did to me... like all the times she ignored me, and all the times she blew off our plans, and the times she hung up on me and refused to talk to me, and how she always knew she wanted nothing to do with me in a "more than friends" manner, but not saying anything until a year and a half later... and I just can't believe I put up with so much. I guess that's what happens when you have feelings for someone - you put up with their flaws.

But through it all, I found out how she really felt -- that I was a psycho, and that she didn't respect me, and that overall - I was just like her ex who she refereed to as a "b*tch."

It still hurts to think about, but at least I moved on past it. At least I can say she's out of my life once and for all.

Sometimes I miss her.. I still have the only picture we ever took together. It was back in 2005/2006, the first time I saw her after she came back after me breaking up with her in 04. Joey took it. We were at a bar.

I look at it, and I wonder what happened to her... who she is now, isn't the same girl in that picture.

I won't ever delete it, and it pains me to look at it - but it's a memory.

 

I think I finally ended my friendship with T.

Over the last month or so, he's been all over my sh*t. He'll call me 6 times a day, text me a bunch of times, show up at my house every day, and really get on my nerves.

He's been acting like a girlfriend and it's really been pissing me off.

Over the last couple weeks, he's developed this habit of knocking on my door, and if I don't answer, he'll literally knock for the next 20 minutes, and calling non stop before he actually goes away.

Sometimes I'm trying to sleep, sometimes I don't hear him, and other times I just don't want to be bothered and don't want to go down there to tell him to go away. You'd think that if you knock on someones door and they don't answer, you'd just leave... but not him.

Recently, as in last weekend, he decided he was going to climb on my roof and look in my window to see if I was sleeping or just ignoring him. This bugged me the hell out and really got me mad. The next day, he took the screen off my kitchen window and climbed through, and walked in my house!!

I told him to never do anything like that again, and made my point clear.

Friday, I came home after work and found my screen on the ground, laying up against the house again.

He was supposed to come over and help me clean - but the night before, he did his knock for 20 minutes thing, where I only pretended to sleep - and heard him messing with the screen. After finding that I locked my window, he climbed on my roof to look inside again and I flipped and told him to leave.... so Friday morning I didn't notice the screen off... and when I came home from work.. I lost it.

He called me up and I asked him why the screen was off again, and he lied and told me that he didn't know and it just fell off.

 

If the screen fell off, it would NOT have landed that way - so I knew he was BSing me.

 

So he showed up at my house and I asked him again - and he lied again.. so I shut the door and walked inside. He knocked for another 15 minutes, and was looking through the window and sh*t - and finally I texted him and told him to get lost and that he wasn't welcome here anymore. Had I gone downstairs to do it, I would have hurt the guy.. I would have broken his jaw, so I figured texting him would be better.

He finally admitted he lied about the screen, and I told him we were no longer friends.

I'm not having that disrespect in my life anymore. I literally CARRIED our friendship. He brought nothing to the table, while I brought it all.. and I'm just tired of it. He's useless in every form... yeah, he get's girls - but when was the last time I got a phone call that said "dude I got girls over, come here!" -- right. Never.

 

I'm sick of carrying a friendship that goes nowhere. Guy can't even get a job to save his life. It's so sad.

Whatever.. screw him. When he learns some respect, maybe then he'll find a real friendship.

 

Other than all that sh*t -- I'm really enjoying myself lately... I haven't been too pissed, and haven't been depressed at all. I think things are finally starting to "turn around" -- so... in a nutshell, I'm really looking forward to summer.

 

Here's to it.....

 

 

Salute.

[r0ckox]

The never ending saga continues, people.

Here I am again, after a couple months away - coming back here just a little more often.

 

I thought I was doing well. Thought things were finally picking back up, and ultimately, thought I was starting to learn what it was like to be happy again.

I guess my presence here tells a different story.

 

After 50-something days of NC with A, I finally broke that.

It had been a couple weeks since the last time she tried to reach me, and I was honestly thinking about weather or not to say something to her - and on Thursday I get a text at around 1pm.

 

"well i hope you're proud of being a piece of sh*t to me. I have brain cancer, which cuts my life in half. You would have been hurt either way. Take care of yourself."

 

I lost it. I flipped out on her. Who was she to call me a piece of sh*t? I asked her for NC back in April, and she called me a psycho and told me I was just being a girl. So I ignored her ever since... how does that make me a piece of sh*t??

I told her that her health was no excuse for the way she treated me and the bullsh*t she put me through. It's really not. Just because something's wrong with her, doesn't mean that gives her the right to treat another person the way she did me.

I also told her that had things worked out, or had she at least shown she cared, I would have stuck by her through it all, i would have been there at the drop of a dime and would have walked to the end of the earth with her -- because that's how I am... when you show me you give a crap about me, I'm loyal until we both die. Plain and simple -- but she didn't do that. She put me through so much crap.

 

WHen you come to someone and tell them that you want to stop the friendship because you're still hurt, and still upset over things -- and then they call you a psycho, tell you you're insane, crazy, a girl, and just "upset" cause they won't be with you...... what are you supposed to think? You think that person cares? No way. Had the tables been turned.... (like i've thought so many times) I would have handled that 100x different. I would have asked questions. "Why do you feel this way? What's it going to take to put those thoughts to rest?" things like that... instead of name calling.

 

So, first I'm a psycho, I'm crazy, insane -- and now that I've been NC, I'm a piece of sh*t?

 

What kind of world do we live in?

 

Anyway, I'm going to make one final attempt, and text her in a little bit. I plan on telling her that I didn't want the last thing I ever said to her to be something messed up, and ask her why she just didn't say "hi" or something else instead. Why she had to push my buttons again.

I know it's not smart -- but I just want to know..... why on EARTH would you do that? She knows damn well I was gonna bug out at her. Why not just say something else.

We'll see if she answers. I doubt she will, but screw it. It'll make my conscience leave me alone.

Or, maybe I shouldn't -- I'm still on the fence. That whole brain cancer thing is what's f*cking me up, but like I said... it's no excuse... that's like me playing some girl, then telling her "well, i have bronchitis, so yeah." -- bad health or not, you're still a person who knows right from wrong.... and it's not like she's had this the whole time, she just recently found out... so that's supposed to justify my hurt over the last 2 years?

...screw it. im gonna do it anyway. if she responds, fine.. if not... whatever. YOU CANT say i didn't try.

 

Other than that... being foreman at the shop is working out nicely. I got a lot done this week, with the exception of the jobs that have to be pulled. Hopefully I'll get most of those out this coming week, and can keep the flow of the shop working.

 

I feel bad for my boy Brian. He wanted John to do his brakes, and I was going to charge him list price on the pads. $90, when I paid $50. I know it's not how you treat a friend, but sometimes, I'm entitled to make money. I'm entitled to mark up my prices. I eventually agreed to only charge him the $50, but when John did his pads, he was supposed to rotate his tires... and didn't. Brian caught us when we tried to lie and say we did, so I feel bad for that. But whatever, we went out for drinks the other night, and I think we're still cool.

 

I am still spending money on a very regular basis though. It's that god-damn establishment I hang out at. I'm going there 2, sometimes 3 times a week. Blowing all kinds of money there, and it's really starting to PISS me off. I think tonight will be my final time there. I'm going to keep it cool for a good 2 months before I hang out there again... and yeah, I've said that before - but this time I mean it.

I gotta start saving. I'm making more money, and need that.

 

ANYWAYS....

 

after all that...

 

i guess it's time to call it a day. this isn't a real amazing post, nor does it have a lot in it that puts what i wanted out there, but it's getting a little late and i just feel like throwing on some music and relaxing.. so maybe in my next update i'll have more. till next time.