My first 'public' journal.

[r0ckox]

I've been keeping journals for years. Since 2001. Most of them all private.

It started out like any other journal, just posting thoughts and whatnot. Then it turned into "logging" my weekend shenanigans, then eventually turned into a place where I can vent my depression and anger issues...then finally, it became about "her" -- the one I wanted a real relationship with. The one who for years acted like she wanted one with me, too. The one who as soon as I turned around and showed interest, and tried to make it happen, strung me along, lied to me, and rarely ever saw me. The one who still strings me along, with no real answers other than "I'm scared" or something.

 

So now?

 

It all becomes public.

I don't know what I'm going to be putting here.. but it's about time I get it all out.

 

 

[r0ckox]

So this is my first journal entry. I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm going to talk about, I'll probably just ramble on until I get the feel of this whole 'letting the public read this sh!t' thing.

Right now I'm watching the NY Giants game. It's 14-3 vs. Minnesota with 0:03 seconds left in the first half. At first the game looked a little shaky. Manning threw 2 interceptions and it seemed as if this was going to be the same turnout as the Jets game yesterday afternoon.

Right now I'm feeling confident, though.

 

Lately things have been picking up, so overall I'm feeling pretty damn good. I have a tendency to be prone to depression and I usually have a negative outlook on just about everything. I claim to justify this by saying I have "legit reasons" to be feeling down all the time; but the more and more I think about it, it's me who's in control of my emotions, so I create these reasons myself and force myself into this depression.

I guess, anyway.

I mean, if I really think about it... I get down because of work a lot. My old man owns a very successful auto body shop, and a lot of the time I feel like since I'm being "groomed" to eventually take the business over, that I won't live "up to par" -- but I realize that it's my own fault I feel this way, simply because I don't put in the required effort, nor pay attention to the correct things that will build my takeover. Then again, I'm all self-taught in this thing while everyone else has XX years of experience. In the 6 years I've been employed here, I haven't learned MUCH to the affect that I'm ready to take the business over.

Time will tell.

 

I also get down a lot because of my choice in the woman I want to spend my time with. We have a 6-7 year on/off history with each other, which is mainly all my fault. We dated in 2004 for a month as kids, before we even knew each other, and I grew to have strong feelings for her, yet by me being a kid at the time, I got scared and broke it off with her. Over the course of the following 5 years, we hung out every now and then, she showed interest in getting back together, and I never really did much about it. Then, when I finally decided to give it a real go, I expected her to jump at the idea (after her wanting to for years) and when she didn't, I got all confused and almost lost her quite a few times. Lately though, and when I say lately, I mean over the last month, things have been picking up pretty well. She's shown interest in hanging out, she's trying to make future plans, and even wants me to go away with her for a few days in February. So I'm feeling pretty good about our situation..... FINALLY.

 

But like I said, I get down a lot because of myself, and I force myself into thinking "She's just playing games; she's not really into it; I screwed it up by fighting with her; yaddy-yah."

 

But, again -- Time will tell.

I am worried about her though. The last time I spoke to her was Saturday night, and she told me that she was going to go into the hospital on Sunday because her MS is coming back. (she has a mild form of MS where she loses feeling in her body) - and then told me that Tonight (Monday) through Wednesday or so, she was going to be going to Niagara falls with her friends. I haven't heard from her since we last spoke, and I'm getting worried that her visit in the hospital wasn't a good one. Maybe they kept her over night and told her she has to stay? I dont know. I called her twice today and haven't heard back from her. It's kind of upsetting because if something happened and I lost her now, after all the progress and all the ups/downs we've been through, I couldn't live with myself.

I just hope she's okay...and hopefully she's not mad at me. Last time we spoke, we were joking around and I hope she didn't take anything seriously. Although she knows me better than that, so right now I don't know.

 

Anyway, besides all that...I'm stuck dealing with felony probation due to my actions as a kid; and part of that probation is dealing with a Drug and Alcohol outpatient rehabilitation program. I've already been through the program twice, and graduated both times, but due to my Probation officer randomly showing up at my house and catching me with alcohol, I have to do it again.

The first two times I went through the program, I did 4 months each time. This time, I'm already on my 8th month, and still don't have any signs of graduation any time soon. Not to mention my counselor is now on "administrative leave" so we just got ourselves a new person to deal with us. I feel like it's going to push-back the progress I've made, and I'm going to get stuck in the program EVEN LONGER.

All I want is to get off this crap. No more group, no more probation, no more nothing. Just let me live my life.

Yet, that's not coming any time soon. I still have 2.5 years (out of a 5 year deal) left on my probation period, and I'm 100% positive I'll do the entire stretch.

Well, that's what I get for screwing up two times. Had I gone back to jail, I'd have been out and off this crap by now... but the last thing in the world I need is to go back right now. I can't deal with that sh!t again.

 

Once again... only time will tell.

 

Other than all that... I think I've covered enough in my first entry. I don't know when the next time I'm going to update this will be, but I'll try my best to do this on a regular basis.

 

To anyone who's going to read this and follow it, I appreciate it, and any feedback whether negative or positive will be good for me.

 

Goodnight ENA.

[r0ckox]

So, this is to be entry #2 now.

Fairly consistent I guess, it's only been 3 days since my first one.

 

First and foremost, I am a chicken-sh!t and today I'm really annoyed about it. In my private journal last week, I mentioned that I had gone to one of my local hangouts with my old-man to watch the Knicks play, and there was a new bartender there that I was attracted to. (who also seems to be attracted to me.) After keeping it cool on the first meet, the next day I decided that this week I was going to dig a little deeper, and possibly see if she's seeing anyone and maybe even ask her out. Well, yesterday was my time to shine.

My buddy Mike finally grew a pair and met a girl 2 days ago, and asked her out for Saturday. He wanted it to be a group thing, and now would be my shot, in hopes that I'd ask this new girl out to join us.

So I met Mike over at our spot, and we hung out there to watch the game.

I did manage to strike up conversations with this girl, but low and behold -- I just couldn't grow em' and never asked her out. Didn't even attempt it! Didn't even ask for her number! ](*,)

Mike had sent me a text during the night while we were there, telling me that she was into me, and that when he told her I was coming to the bar, she got all excited.

..yet she didn't exactly seem the way. But then again, I guess she's just shy. That strikes me more than anything. I like that though.

 

Either way, I had an opportunity, and blew it. She was even hinting at not knowing what to do this coming weekend, and I completely shut down, constantly telling myself "NOW!! EASE IN! DO IT NOW. HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME IN THERE?" -- yet it's all silence.

I'm kicking myself in the as$ today.

 

I also partially blame one of the waitresses. I've been noticing lately that she's apparently trying to get closer to me. As soon as Mike left last night, she immediately came and sat down next to me. She gave me a sort of 'look' when she saw me talking to the bartender girl, and there were a few times she interrupted our conversation to ask her for a drink for someone. I've been noticing this behavior since Saturday.

Jealousy? I don't know, but why would she care? She's dating someone, and currently see's her ex on the side.. so what good would that do me? or her?

She is cute and all, and I wouldn't mind it if we struck something up, but overall, her activity with more than one guy turns me off - so I'd rather not waste the time.

Either way, now I have to wait until NEXT week to see this bartender girl again, because she only works at the bar one day per week, and works somewhere else the rest of the time. (which I cannot remember the name of) - so...here's to it. Next week, I'll grow a pair.

 

As for everything else, A. has finally resurfaced after being MIA since Sunday. I was a little ticked off when I only got a small text message yesterday morning stating "home finally." when she knew she had 2 missed calls, and 2 texts from me. She completely blew off the things I said, so my response was "k." - and her response to that was "sry forgot my phone."

I managed not to respond all day, and by 10:00pm I was getting text messages from her. So we sat on the phone after 11 for about 15 minutes and then she went to sleep.

Spoke to her a little bit today, and all seems back to normal on that front.

Just like I said - only time will tell.

 

As for tonight, Sean is back in town from being up at buffalo for work, so we're going to go out and do something. I always look forward to his visits, and we always have a good time and plenty of laughs.

I don't really want it to be a late night, nor an expensive night, but with my luck - that's exactly what it will be

 

Oh well, not much else to talk about. Guess ill be back in a few days or so!

[r0ckox]

So.. here I am.

just about a week, a bottle of wine + a nice cigar later.

I'm feeling 50/50 right now. Half happy, half depressed.

Depressed because of the same old reasons, but half happy because I'm finally feeling relaxed.

Don't get me wrong, I drink a lot, but for the first time in a year, I feel like it's all okay. I'm able to just kick back, throw my feet up, and say "ah.. screw it. tomorrow's a new day for stress."

 

It's a damn good feeling, too.

 

Anyway, so I saw A on friday. I met her at her job, and I hung out before she closed up, played with a puppy, and afterwards we went to DD's (dunkin donuts) and got some coffee, and hung out in my car. We had some good laughs. Although things aren't where I'd like them to be, I was real happy seeing her, and laughing the way we did. It was the first time in a long time I was able to see her smile that way... and just looking at her that way was great.

We left off without making future plans, but for now, i'm okay with that. There's no commitment yet... we're not ready... so it's fine. We'll continue to do whatever it is we're doing. Why get upset?

 

I'm supposed to be going to the bar tomorrow. It's wednesday, and that means R is working... the bartender girl I was going to ask out last week. I chickened out last time, and I'm 50-50 on this time. I think I'll blow it again, but I really wanna just try it anyway.

I do like her. She's quiet. (plus I'm almost positive she likes me, too.) I happen to like that in a girl. Yeah, she drinks like I do (although I haven't seen it, but from what she's said its my only guess) - and sometimes that bothers me, but I feel like there's something about her. I think she'd be a good girl.

After all, A isn't ready anytime soon...so why NOT try with someone else? How long am I supposed to wait?

 

Idk.

hopefully tomorrow night I feel confident enough to at least try and get her number. I KNOW I can. I can totally get it, and I'm almost positive she'd say yes if I asked her to go out with me, but I'm still a tad skeptical.

I'm weird that way. 50-50, all the time.

 

So last time I was here, I wrote that Sean came back and we were going to go out and all that.

I met him and Alex at the bar for some drinks, and ofcourse, Alex's dumb mouth got him in trouble again. He said something to Sean that completely changed his mood and almost screwed up the night. Poor guy has to learn to grow up.

Idk how much longer I can continue to hang with him. He's been my boy for years...but jesus... his mouth, his way of thinking... it's so................f*cked up.

Sean had to literally get up and get in his face, and tell him to get out of the place. It's sad. We've all been friends for years, and this is the kind of dumb stuff it comes down to.

What a shame.

 

Anyway.. I'm rambling compared to my last 2 entries. That's what this wine sh*t does. But At least I'm here... saying something.

 

So screw it. Here's to this.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day that SHOULD go okay, provided I get off my as$ and DO something as opposed to just wanting to.

Salute.

[r0ckox]

yeah.. quick drunk update.

i went to the bar tonight and saw R. I did NOT ask her out, nor did I try and get her number.

She turned me off tonight. I felt like she wasn't interested, and it was worthless to even try.

I think I'm right here. If anyone was to argue this statement, they'd be completely wrong.

 

However.... I did see Marisa. It's been years since we hung out. She's changed. I'm proud of the girl.

 

We had fun.

 

Okay I'm going to sleep. I have to get up in a few hours.

 

Uggghhh.

[r0ckox]

So Xmas is over, and now I get to look forward to New years.

The last decent New years I had was back in 07, when I spent it at Jonny's with the old CrookSet crew. 06 was pretty lame. Joey and I ended up listening to the ball drop on the radio while we were stuck in traffic coming home from some crap club that we were supposed to meet some girl at.... yeah, she met us... then walked away never to be seen again.

08 blew, 09 blew, 10 blew, and now here comes New years 2011. I can already tell what I'll be doing, but at least this year I have options.

 

I can either:

A) Sit home with my cigar and whatever alcohol I have. (most likely)

B) Go to the city with Tadas, and MAYBE (MAYBE) Marisa. (Probably not)

C) Go to the city with Mike. (Probably not, too.)

 

Looks as if the only reliable option is to choose option A).

I won't spend too much money, nor will I be out on the roads and have to worry about DWI, nor will I be in the city worrying about where I'm staying for the night, or the trains back to LI.

It make's sense to choose option A).

We'll see.

I'll update this later tonight I'm tired now.

[r0ckox]

I had a long post made out, but I'm not going to post it.

 

 

I'm sad. =(

[r0ckox]

SO, it's new years eve. congratulations partner, you made it another year!

 

 

 

yep. another year of crap that is.

another year of lies, getting thrown under the bus, facing legal troubles, blacking out, being miserable and alone, missing my past, hating my present and dreading my future.

seems like this pattern has been going along like this since 03.

i've said it 100,000 times by now... 2003 was my year.

04 was half-way decent, 05 sucked, 06 blew, 07 was worse, 08 was terrible, 09 made me want to off-myself, and 10 was even sh*tier.

 

I can only imagine what's in store for 2011.

 

so tonight i'm just gonna "take it easy" so to speak. i'm not going to waste my time going out, risking a DWI, or spending it "ringing in the new year and great amazing times" with my friends, who for the most part i cant even stand. I'm just going to sit here with my four-lokos, and drown the memory of 2010 all by myself.

[r0ckox]

i guess its better to sit here and write here instead of acting like an as$hole, right?

 

im all messed up today.

 

really messed up.

 

yesterday i went to A's job to look at some stupid puppy...and you know what? he was cool. he was small, cute, and had the personality of the greatest dog that ever lived... and i almost bought him yesterday. i was going to.. but i couldnt because A didn't want to sit there and do the paperwork. she's sick and wanted to go home... and now today, i find out that i cant afford it because of whatever other crap thats going on.. so i cant take him.

im heart-broken. this is the 4th dog that i wanted to get and i couldnt. 4 in a year.

that saddens me.

 

everything else saddens me.

 

i met with lawyers today. lawyers due to the "hostile work environment" me and don provided for zu-zu at work. she quit back in november, and actually SUED us for it.

it hasn't hit home until now. we were just playing with her... just joking around with her... trying to make her part of the family...and she quits and sues us? tries to say we created a hostile work environment, and sexually harrassed her?

she was laughing with us!!!!!!! oh my GOODDD.

 

 

why is it that everything i do, and think, and try to change is wrong? why is it that EVERYTHING is my fault? I can't make things work with A because of my own stuff... i can't have a happy jokingly relationship with the people I work with because its my fault... i can't do anything.. because its all my fault.

 

 

when did life start to suck this much? and why is it that there isn't a single person who can BE there for me? why is it that when everyone else wants to talk, and is upset..i'm there with open arms, and liquor and beers to make them feel better.. but when its me its the "try and change" mindset?

All I want is a hug....someone to be there and help... someone to show that they care and it affects them when i'm hurt, like I try and show everyone else.

 

2011 started off REAL bad.... and I don't foresee it going well, either. this is going to be one hell of a year; and I dont know what to do about it.

 

why the HELL am i even writing here? who gives a crap??????????????

 

 

 

 

some support would be nice.

[r0ckox]

It doesn't take much to tell. I'm simply a wreck.

No self esteem. No confidence. Constant alcohol-consumption. Consistently depressed.

Is it so wrong to just want someone to say "Its all going to be okay. Stop beating yourself up. You'll be fine." ??

 

That's all I want. Just a reason to smile, and feel like I'm not walking through this diseased existence alone.

 

It's just been getting tough on me lately. I'm trying to stay strong and not lose it, but it's just getting harder and harder, and now today I find out that Don is quitting @ the shop. We knew this day was coming, but in reality I'm sure my old man and me both thought it wasn't going to be for a while.

I guess he just can't take the pressure anymore. It's sad to see him go... although he breaks my balls everyday, he's still a good friend and he's done a lot for us. It saddens me, really.

 

It also saddens me that I have to sit here and write my true feelings about everything. That I have no one to talk to... no one I can feel comfortable enough to bother with my bullsh*t.

I know I suck.. believe me, I do. I know I'm a tad insane, and I'm not perfect... I'm human. I never really had anyone growing up, so now it's just hard to be able to deal with everything upstairs thats bothering me all by myself. My friends don't know how to have 'real' conversations unless they're all drunk - and even then, it's always the same crap. They pretend like they care, and then sober it's back to not knowing what to say to them.

I said it before, I just want to feel like I'm not alone.

 

See the irony?

e-not-alone yet I feel more alone than ever.

 

I don't know. I don't want to go back and see Dominick. If I do that, it'll be failure to me. I can't fail. I won't let myself fail...even though I've failed at every other part of my life... I refuse to fail at being able to deal with my own problems.

I'll go as far as trying out some anti-depressants, but I will never again go sit on the couch and talk to some idiot who won't tell me what he really thinks. I haven't been there for 2 years now... since 2 weeks before I went away to jail back in 2008.

I simply refuse.

 

I guess I'm just looking for better days... but for as long as I can remember, they just never come. It's always something else... another disappointment to add to the growing list that I've had since I was a kid.

See, I look at everyone else in the world, and I can see everyone being genuinely happy with themselves. Content with who they've become, and their situations. Everyone else has it all - and I'm always the outsider.

Now I know that's not true. I know people have their own struggles, and things that make them feel like crap... but for me, it's always the last day of summer and I'm stuck outside in the cold looking in, and I don't know how to change it.. so I ask, and try and find someone who'll help me with this. Help turn it around. Help give me a reason to wake up in the morning, and something to come home to...besides the alcohol.

 

And I know... maybe if I stopped the drinking, I'd start to feel better. Afterall, I put this depressant into my body on a very consistent basis... but what can I say -- it's the only thing here. My only friend. The only thing I can count on whenever I need it.

It won't ignore me for days after I spill my guts to it. It'll answer (figuratively) when I ask it to. It'll be there to tell me "Hey, don't sweat it." when times get rough.

Wheres the rest of you? When was the last time someone said to me "Screw it, I'll take you out for a beer or so." when I was down? When was the last time someone came over MY house with a 12-pack, or anything for that matter because I was upset?

How many times did I do that for all of my 'friends' ?

 

It's such a shame. I never wanted to turn out this way. I never wanted to think the way I do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever. I'm too pissed to talk now, I just spent the last 2 hours on facebook arguing with a complete moron, so I lost my train of thought here.

[r0ckox]

I feel freaking AWESOME today.

My jets won against the patriots last night, work has been going pretty decent so far, and it's been 3 days since I've heard from A!!!

 

life is good, people.

[r0ckox]

Life sucks.

 

I'm never writing here agian. I just posted 2 REALLY LONG POSTS, and got logged out BOTH times, forgetting to copy/paste before-hand, and now the last 2 hours are gone.

 

Good job, idiot. Just another thing you can't do.

 

Way to go.

[r0ckox]

Haha, oh man when I read back on these entries. I really DO seem crazy.

 

I guess that's why it's just me and Captain Jack Daniels by ourselves on my birthday.

Here's to another year.

[r0ckox]

Well, here we go.... my birthday is over, and here I am sitting here with a bottle of jack, reflecting on another year that didn't amount to anything.

 

I really only had 2 people, besides my family, try to get in touch with me and wish me a happy birthday. My buddy Brian and A -- but A just texted me last night and said happy bday and that was it. 3 weeks ago she was asking me what we're gonna do for my bday, and now that it's here, she shows zero.. 0 interest in wanting to see me for it... so i'm pretty upset with her, but other than that -- i only heard from Brian. I had to tell T and joey that today was my bday.

I dont blame them for not remembering, but still. It saddens me.

 

i was actually looking forward to seeing A -- even though i knew it wouldnt happen -- but when she showed interest a few weeks ago, for some reason i actually wanted to believe that she would try and give a crap.. but again, just like last year, here i am sitting here alone drinking myself to sleep and she didnt even try.

 

then again, as much as i wanted to pretend, i knew better than to expect anything.

 

but other than that... friends ive had for years.... alex, T, joey, mike.... nobody bothered to try and get in touch with me, and overall it bothers me. i spent my bday pretty much alone, and now i'm sitting here with old reliable Jack Daniels to make up for it. for the 2nd year in a row.

 

I know half of me shouldnt care... people don't ever show me that they do, but its still something that I wish was better. you know??

 

but screw it, it is what it is.

 

 

anyway, so I ended up picking up Brian and going to T's house tonight. 3 girls showed up and there was one of them that I was attracted to. She seemed like she had a head on her shoulders and she was cool -- but when I left to drive Brian home, the girls left before I got back so I couldnt get her number or anything. It's a shame, but at the same time, my first instinct is that it wouldnt have worked out anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

okay listen... ive been drinking and i forgot where i left off, so im just gonna call this a night.

 

 

its my birthday and im NOT happy. thats all you need to know.

 

 

 

maybe next year.

[r0ckox]

Ahh... my solitude.

This is the place I come to when things get rough. This is where I come to vent my frustration, depression, angst, and whatever else it is that goes on in this pathetic, diseased, miserable mind of mine.

 

One day, I'm going to look back on all this and laugh. I'm going to sit there and say "Haha, you idiot. Look at you! Sitting around pis$ing and moaning, talking about how everything sucks!!! you're not good enough, this, that... grow a pair of balls!"

 

But maybe then I'll be in a better place.

 

See, I DO sit here and pis$ and moan... because right now, this is how I FEEL. Right now! Feeling it!

It's mind-numbingly true.

But you know what? Despite the fact that I'm a negative nancy, and the fact that there hasn't been a SINGLE THING that's gone 'my way' or 'right' in the past 8 years....... one day I WILL be happy. I will look back and laugh... but until then.. this is where I'm at. Right here. Typing on this very keyboard in my little man-cave, with my 2 out of 5 lightbulbs that don't work. My large TV that nobody ever watches with me, my new verizon service that's pretty much just as useless as Optimum, my optimum box laying on the floor with the dust all over it, and ultimately.................... just me and good old Jack Daniels (again.)

 

I guess it's time to say goodbye to a tangerine sky, and attempt at saying hello to tomorrow.

after all, tomorrow is a new day right? At least I'm not dead.. (as much as I want to be) -- and at least I'm not behind bars.

When I was locked up, an old-timer once told me: "Everyday behind bars is a good day" and at the time, I believed it... and overall I guess its true. It was hell there.

But........... maybe it's not true. I have plenty of crap days. Crap nights. Crap weeks. Crap months. Crap years... but...................... I'm still here, so MAYBE the old-timer was right.

 

I'm trying to be positive, people. I really am!!

It's hard though.

 

Oh well, I guess better days are sure to come sometime soon, right?

Just depends on when, because the more and more I keep going like this, the more and more I want to drive into a brick wall!!

 

Screw it.

 

So anyway, I had another argument with A yesterday -- basically shes lying to me claiming that she tried to get intouch with me for my Bday, when I know she didnt, and she thinks I'm bugging out at her again -- but once again, shes failing to see the 'big picture' of things and still doesn't get it.

It's really time to just write her off and forget her. She does me no good. Shes never here, shows 0 interest, and just really wastes our time.

 

I posted up a whole big post today about my history with this girl, and for the first time... somebody put it in perspective for me.

 

I have to do what I have to do.

 

Life goes on, brother.

 

See you next time.

[r0ckox]

Um... make the quote the old-timer said: "Everyday NOT behind bars is a good day."

 

 

oops.

[r0ckox]

Well, here I am again... back in my solitude. Alone @ the man-cave, looking at last night's disaster mess. I should probably clean it, but why bother? (At least for right now, anyway.)

 

I had a post drawn up, but I'll write it again later.

[r0ckox]

Okay.... here I am now. Officially. Back in solitude. Back in the man-cave.

Doin' what I do best. Sitting here...

 

I don't know that it's healthy that I'm always sitting here writing in this journal, but in all honesty... I got nothing else to do, and I guess I can be all 'ridiculous and psychotic' here without worrying what anyone thinks. Cuz you know, that's just how I am.

 

Anyway, so Its been a few days since I finally let A go. Right now I'm in the 'second guessing my decision' stage, but give it a little while and I'll be fine with it.

What has she really done for me? Nothing. All she wanted to do was sit on the phone and play around. She never wanted to be here, make something between us... she just wanted me to hang around and wait for her forever. Sorry doll, that's not my style.

Back in April when we were arguing when I found out she lied about her friend, I remember her telling me she wanted me to "demand her attention" and "take control" or something -- but first of all, I'll NEVER demand any girl's attention. If they don't want to give it to me on their own, then screw it. How can I "take control" when she won't let me? Won't open up and let me in her heart like I did?

It just didn't make sense.

 

**SIGH**

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm just too ridiculous to ever have a healthy relationship. I mean, I never really had one in the first place. My very first 'relationship' was with Brittany back in 2002 (03 officially) which was long distance. She lived in Florida while I was here in NY.

Within a couple months it was the "I love you" thing between us. We were kids. That lasted for a while, though.. until she started to catch eyes for someone else. Cheated on me, broke up with me, and left me heart broken. Yeah, we were kids and I'm over it now, but I really thought something good would've came from it.

We got back together a while later, and it only lasted so long until she, again, found some guy she liked better than me -- and we ended up breaking it off. She's married now, and is miserable.

 

Then there was Heather. We "dated" for a month, and within a week we were sleeping together. We mutually broke up because she was going away for the summer, and we both figured when she came back we'd hook back up. We did... but not "officially" and for a long time it was on/off random hookups and whatnot. Never amounted to anything. She hates me now because she went through the whole rehab thing, and apparently she's better than the rest of us. She forgot where she came from.

 

Then there was Gia. She was heather's friend and she wanted to have sex with me after me and heather broke up... but she was one of those weird punk-rock chicks at the time and I wasn't into that, so I didn't do much about it.... we kissed once... it was a quick peck and afterwards she looked around and was like "god I hope nobody saw that." and afterwards I was completely turned off and didn't waste my time. She's hot now, though. Maybe I should've stuck it in when the time was right. Ah well. That's not really my style, anyway.

 

Then there was Shelley.

I met her through terran. The first time I met her she got drunk at my house with all of us, hooked up with Terran, and when he went to the bathroom she tried talking to me and showed interest... it's like.... girl.... you JUST got with my friend not 5 minutes ago, are you serious?

She showed interest for a while after that though... and when I asked her out on a date, or to "hang out" she showed up with her friend, met me and my friends, then went down the street to get coffee, and me and my friends left because our ride was making us, and I'll never forget looking at her through the window as she was walking back to where we were... she gave me this look, and ever since then she hasn't talked to me. lol.. Oh well. She's a * * * * anyway.

 

Then there was A. I met her in 2004 and we dated for a month... but I flipped out on her over absolutely nothing and broke it off with her. She came back to me a year later, but was dating some guy so there was nothing I could do. She dated him for a couple years, but we always hooked up when we saw each other. Then she was single for a while, showed a ton of interest, but I just held back because I felt like she deserved better than me.... then when I finally said "okay, maybe I'm thinking wrong" she ended up cheating on her BF with me, and failed to tell me she was seeing someone. I found out thanks to her facebook page. That bothered me and I left her alone for a while..........This is way too long of a story, though. It gets real complicated after that.

 

Then there was Cali-steph. Another long distance broad from California. We talked for a couple months before we made it "official" and within a short time, it was the whole "I love you" thing.

It didn't last very long because she got all crazy on me and turned me off -- we broke up back in 2007ish or something... Talked for a little bit after, and when I went to jail, she ignored me because she was on/off with some guy after me.

That was the most drama-filled relationship ever. Her friends would text me and IM me and start * * * * just to break us up but we fought it for a while. She was obsessed with me. She had dreams about me getting into a car accident and her slitting her wrists after I "died" -- weird.

 

Turns out she wasn't who she said she was. I found her on facebook last year and she's NOTHING like the pictures she sent me. She's huge. That's why she'd never take pics for me when I'd ask.

 

Then there was Jolie. She liked me back in 2005, practically threw herself at me, and I did nothing about it because I just wasn't that into her. I tried to make it happen in 2006 after thinking it through but she had a bf at the time. She cheated on him with me a couple times... emotionally and physically, but she refused to break up with her BF for me... so that went sour when she saw she was "hurting me" and broke it off with me. Since then, we've hung out a few times, she spent the night twice -- the first time we didn't do anything because Terran was living here and slept on my floor, and the second time she fell asleep, woke up, saw I was still up, and told me to bring her home because "if I wasn't going to sleep, there was no need to keep her there and not let her leave" or something, and since then, I want nothing to do with her. She lives in the city anyway.

 

Then there was Natasha. Some little russian blond broad who used to be cool as hell. Hooked up with her a few times. She hooked up with Terran, and almost everyone in our town. I liked her a hell of a lot before I went to jail, and even called her FROM jail, saw her the day I got out -- but she had a BF at the time, stayed with him for like a year or so, and changed into a completely different person. I've seen her twice in the last year since she's broken up with him, but she's all shady and tries to tell me she's such a grown up and this and that -- yet all she does is smoke weed, drink, hook up with dudes, and act her age.

 

I just feel like every girl I meet -- isn't what I'm looking for.

A was the only one. She was the only one I could trust. The only one I thought had a head on her shoulders and wasn't like "the rest" of the rat-pack, good for nothing girls I knew.

I kept my feelings silent for so long. She chased me. When I finally gave in and tried to make it happen, she did a complete 180-degree turn and acted like she didn't care. It's been hell with her ever since.

 

And now... there's nothing. Not a single prospect. The crap girls I've met in the last 2 years are completely worthless and I wouldn't ever get involved.

 

There was Maria... the 29 year old married chick. GOD she wasn't attractive. I only hooked up with her thanks to the Vodka. I slept with her twice. She started getting all weird on me talking about how she wants to take care of her family and she can't see me, then like 2 weeks later she came back trying to hang out again -- and I just got turned off. I ignored her. Changed my number, and now she's gone.

 

It just bothers me that every single girl I've come in contact with, has basically amounted to nothing. Wasted time. Wasted energy. Wasted thoughts and emotions.

But then again, I'm not such a great catch myself. I'm off the wall nuts apparently.

 

So I don't know. I feel like if I meet another girl, I'm going to be too scared to try, to care, or to put any effort in and I'm just going to send the wrong message. Especially after this whole A thing. There was a while there when I used to blame Brittany for the way I was, because I was so hurt by what happened with us... but in all reality, like I said -- we were kids. A is the one who screwed me up the most, though. I spent the last year and a half in HELL.

Depressed, an alcoholic, and a mess.

 

I really tried though. I wanted to spend time with her, to allow us to be comfortable with each other, but she kept saying no... she'd just call me every night. She wouldn't talk to me and tell me what she felt, or what was on her mind, or anything - I spent forever just trying to "understand" that apparently I got all 'crazy' and was like a 'psycho girlfriend' or something. I just think she has some growing up to do, and maybe one day she'll see that it wasn't all my fault. I didn't want to rush things with her, but 2 months of talking to someone and asking "what are we doing?" is perfectly acceptable. Ask anyone. But whatever... she doesn't want it. She makes that clear with the lack of emotion.... what can I do? She never responds, never gives me anything. I just can't take it, and I'm upset because I really DO love her. Unconditionally... my only "condition" was that she showed me she gave a crap, and that seems like it's too hard for her. I dont know.

 

I'm so scared to meet someone else, it's crazy.... but I still want to, still hope for it. Still have hope that maybe one day I can find a female who can make me proud, but with the way it's been with over the years... I doubt it. I'm a firm believer that I can't live in today's society. I'm just too different. Too 'real' for this crap.

I get hurt easily, and it's not because I'm sensative... it's just because I can't understand why people are the way they are... how people can just go on lying, playing around, and not really CARING about anything.

 

Take Terran for example. This is a guy who gets a lot of girls. I can remember a time when I was the only person in his life who ever showed him anything. He was my boy. Girls hated him, the "cool people" couldn't stand him, and he just wished that he'd get a good looking broad to like him. Now? He tries every day to meet a new girl... sleeps with them, and then goes on to the next one like it's nothing. How can a guy do this?? Is that not messed up? Yeah, I'm all about "having fun" and whatnot.. but I just don't get it... what happened to only liking one person?

 

I mean, he may not be a good example of what I'm trying to get at. I can't explain it... I don't know, like I said.. I'm just too real for this society. I belong back in the 50's or something, back when people gave a crap. But, guess what? I'm from the 80s. Society changed.

 

Whatever though. I know this is all just useless thoughts, and this is the kind of thing that happens when I come home after work every night and sit here in solitude, staring at my computer.

 

I don't know, I just wish I understood things. I wish I had it figured out and I can go back to just "goin' with the flow" without overthinking things, and without all the crap that's going on.

The last few years have been real hard on me. I've mentioned this before.

 

I miss smoking weed. Honestly, I do. Back when I used to smoke -- the things that bothered me, and hurt me, would just disappear, and I'd have the answers. (Obviously, I know better than that ... it was the drug) -- but still. I was happy. I was always laughing, always joking, being my normal silly self -- and ever since I quit... when I came home from jail, it's like it's an uphill battle to maintain any form of happiness.

 

I don't really know the answer, though. I don't REALLY know how to change it. I've been struggling with this thought for many years now, and it really bothers me that I feel like I'm the only person on this planet who thinks and feels like this.

But... again........ whatever. One day it'll all change.

 

I mean... jesus f*cking christ. Look at me! It's a tuesday night and I'm sitting here, listening to music, drinking, and writing in a journal that just portrays the insane, twisted, depressed, guilty, piece of SH!T mind of mine.

Who the hell wants to be around this? Nobody. Why would they?

--------------------------

OKAY. SEE?!!?

 

Check this out. Just got a message from terran on facebook --

 

Terran Trey Harrington February 1 at 8:25pm:

sh*t man need some booty harley almost broke me last night

 

Okay... see what I mean.... guy wants someone to sleep with, yet he JUST SLEPT WITH SOME GIRL LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

AND, she's hot! What the F*CK?!?!? Just give me ONE good looking girl, and I'm happier than a pig in sh!t -- but give the rest of these idiots one girl, and it's not enough!!

Jesus!!!! This is what I'm talking about!

I don't get society. I don't get people. It makes me SO upset.

 

Well... Like I said earlier, I guess I'm just not fit for this society, and my views are worthless.

 

 

So I guess I'm done here.

I'm gonna finish off my crap drink, and play some madden, and try to get some sleep.

[r0ckox]

It's monday. Back in solitude.

 

When is the train gonna get back on track? When am i even gonna care about that? Why am I the one who's always dealt the bad cards? Took the easy road so long and now my life's hard. Still I try and make it work out for all the best, even though I gotta clean up all this mess. If I knew when I started where this all would end, I think I'd probably do it all again.

 

I'm thinking a lot about life tonight. I'm really bothered with where I've ended up... back at 16... the old glory highschool days... it was all so much easier. So much better. Nothing bothered me, nothing seemed like it ever mattered, and the only thing to care about was what the hell we were doing on the weekend. That was it.

What happened?

 

I graduated. I lost my way. I ended up in jail. I came home with expectations. They weren't met. It got worse. Depression came back. The anger bottled up.

 

And now?

 

Psh. Take a look. This craziness you're reading is the product.

[r0ckox]

Chicken-sh!t, or just smart?

 

Yesterday I went to the Kahuna for the first time in almost 2 months. Mike joined me.

We got a very warm greeting from George, Maria, Paulie, Amanda, and Rachel. That place really is like our 2nd home.

It felt good to be around decent people we know and care for... for both of us.

 

Anyway, so as the night progressed, I was thinking about how I used to always want to ask R out, and never did it because I p*ssed out. I started to figure now would be the time, after she sent out a HUUUGE signal about being alone on V-day. She actually seemed upset about it, too.

 

So as were going into the night, Mike was telling me if I dont 'land the plane' he's going to intervene and take auto-pilot off and find out from Amanda if it's worth it or not. I assured him not to worry as this time, I'd do it.

 

Low and behold, R started talking about some guy on Facebook so I immediately held off and waited. Eventually, Mike ended up asking Amanda whether or not it was a good idea for me. I had no idea he did this.

He came back and told me he had gotten some Intel on the situation, and that apparently, according to Amanda, she thinks we'd be a good match, but she "dates d!cks... meathead gorilla types."

 

So.... there goes that idea. I'm nowhere near her 'type' so it's not worth it to me. I doubt it'd work out anyway.

 

We're going to goto the other bar she works at tomorrow night and hang out.

Me, Mike, and Paulie -- that is.

 

So, I ask you... Chicken-sh!t, or just plain old smart?

I vote for the latter.

[r0ckox]

Why can't I just feel good?

 

Is it always going to be this depressing?

[r0ckox]

I'm lookin' out my fish-bowl watching the time of life pass me by, now I'm wondering why, and how, I get in these places, these situations, I wish I could grow some wings and fly out of this dream.

It's a nightmare. All I do is go through the motions without a purpose or a person next to me so I'm holding, onto a hope and a prayer, a wish and a dream, that one day I'll get out of here and finally be free.

 

Behold it's me, I'm the shadow of laughter, and although it's me, I'm the walking disaster.

And although it's me on the edge of the rap-tors with a rope and a ladder, you know it really don't matter to me.

I've been hiding inside myself, lying here trying to define myself, when everybody out there is going for self, I'm slowly falling, sinking down closer to hell.

 

I wonder what it's like to be one of those cars going somewhere to something in a place real far.

far from here, far from home, far from everything i know.

i just wanna move away, plant my seed and make it grow.

watch it blossom into something beautiful and chill out.

create my own way and future, get away from these clouds.

right now? hurting searching for something thats right.

so until my time comes, i'll keep on hoping tonight will be my last night

staring out my window.

 

Hello world, It's me...

 

 

Monday. Solitude. Silence.

 

Just me, my thoughts, my Jack, and my routine.

 

Something has put my thoughts and routine into a screeching halt, though.

On Saturday, after sitting around drinking, I logged onto facebook and messaged an old friend. This old friend of mine is a female, and although nothing happened between us, our friendship was awesome. We've since lost touch and are nowhere near as close as we used to be. I messaged her saying "I miss 03 / 04." because during those times we were close. We hung out everyday and we always had fun and things were soo much different.

We were breaking each other's balls and stuff, and she made a comment about how now I'm "so sensitive. the 'baRx' she knew back in the day was never like this."

 

....

 

and she's right.

 

I've really turned into a sniveling, b1tching and moaning P*SSY!!!!!!

 

This upsets me. She's 10000% right. She may have just been joking, but it's the truth. The guy I used to be would wipe the floor with the guy I am now.

 

I can't get over this. It's bothered me ever since I read it. Maybe I have turned into less of a man? Maybe I really am too sensitive now?

 

Ugh.

 

I guess it really didn't put a stop to my routine because, well, here I am. Oh well.

Just another day I guess.

 

Ill update this later, I dont feel like writing right now.

[r0ckox]

Okay, back in solitude.

 

See, the reason I call this my solitude.... it's quiet. Nobody to bother me. Nobody to ask me stupid f*cking questions. Nobody to talk to me when I'm trying to read something.

Just me.... that's it.

It's nice here.

 

I should probably clean the place up a bit, but what for? It's just me... and I'm content with it, so why bother? My friends? Oh, you mean the idiots that I buy everything for? That have no cars so it's up to me to pick them up?

The people who ask me for a dollar so they can get a cheeseburger, then order $10 worth of sh*t without asking?

 

You mean them? Yeah. What about them? Think I care what they think?

 

Naw.

 

Anyway... so today is day 5 of NC with A. She ended up coming back after I tried to let her go again, and we "talked it out" again -- but this time, I finally got an answer.

A year and a half later, and for the first time, I get a real honest answer.

 

"What part of I'm not ready don't you understand? I can't give you what you want right now."

 

Yes, it was honest.

 

I haven't really spoken to her much since. Last week she texted me and I missed her texts as I was busy with friends, and I replied the following day. She replied back and I haven't said a word since. Neither has she.

5 days NC... and after work what do I see?

A missed call.

 

What the hell could she want? Probably nothing. It's been 4 hours or so and I have yet to call back. I don't want to, because I'll break NC -- but unfortunately, Idk if I can just go NC and ignore the girl. It's not in my personality anymore. I've outgrown that.

It bothers me, so for now I'm just drinking to gain the confidence to call her and see what she wants, because it's the right thing to do. Call me stupid. Ask me if I care.

The right thing, and the stupid thing. It's always a choice. I always choose the right thing.

 

Yeah go ahead. Laugh. I get it. I know.

NC helps me heal. Calling her back won't... but you know what'll bother me more? The fact that she may be thinking that I'm a piece of sh*t for just ignoring her again after over a year ago I promised I wouldn't ever do it again.

Doubt she remembers that promise, though. She can't even remember half the conversations we've had.

 

Such a shame.

 

Anyway, besides all that -- my old man AND Don will both be out this week. It's up to me to take the bull by the horns and run the shop. I'm next in command here. I'm scared out of my nuts!!!

I'm also sure I'll handle it.

Melissa might try to stick it in me, though -- but I'm just gonna pay attention. I'll get Pete's advice. He'll steer me right if things get out of hand.

At least I can do it my way, though. I don't have to conform to Don's BS, or my old man's stupidity. I can run things my own way. I'm kind of looking forward to it, actually.

[r0ckox]

Well, here I am. Midway into my first day as acting boss.

The day has actually gone very well. I've got a zero-day job on it's way out the door, pushed one of the non-driveables out the door, and ultimately ... things have gone a lot smoother than I thought.

The worst thing was the door for the audi was wrong, so now that's just dead weight until next tuesday... but whatever.

 

I'm feeling awesome today. I took control of the situation with A, yesterday. After calling her back and getting no answer on Tuesday night, and after all day/night not hearing from her Wednesday, she IMed me on AIM thursday and within a few minutes I signed off and we haven't spoken since. I got the last word in. I took control of the contact.

It really is time to just say "it is what it is" and let her go mentally. Such a shame, too. We could've had something great.

 

Other than that... tonight is friday. I don't have anything planned as I don't want to do much until tomorrow night, but maybe I'll sit down and have a few drinks with T; provided he can pay his own way, because I'm not buying a bottle for him to drink half of it for nothing.

I've done that too many times, now.

 

Salute.

[r0ckox]

With grey-goose as my wing-man, it's a scene man, everybody wants a piece of the king, man!

 

It's time to take this sh*t back to where it began.

 

Tonight I'm gonna get high, get drunk, get lit. Get a limo, and after that get some chicks. Get a tattoo, get a new nickname.... just get the f*ck out of my way. baRx is at it again.

 

Yeah. So anyway. I'm feeling good tonight. I almost lost it earlier today, I was feeling really down and out -- but somehow it all turned around. I dont know how, I just kind of sat here all night and did nothing.. but my mood is much better.

 

So it's saturday. My usual routine. Well, 50% usual that is. I WAS going to goto T's house with a bottle of Jack and get ready for whatever the night brings us..(*Carrousel*) -- but instead I'm just sitting here drinking my sh*t to the head.

Feeling good, too. Confident. Proud.

 

You can tell by my walk that I came to get down.

 

It's game time, time for me to grind, time for me to shine, and YES -- it's my time.

 

Do you feel it yet? Get it yet?

 

Nah.. you don't get it. How could you? For the past 3 months its been nothing but depression. It's about time I came back to life... slashing through traffic, running red lights, causing mad havoc and then getting in fights. Yeah yeah.

 

See, you gotta grab hold and take control of your life. March to the beat of your own drum. Let em know who's the champion. That's what its all about, people.

 

So... hold on tight... and lets go.