Struggle with a friend after the breakup

[blueberrypie]

This friend of mine is very opinionated. Right after the breakup, she told me that he was never right for me and I already knew it deep in my mind and I should move on.

6 weeks after the breakup, she called me, and basically said the same thing.

I understand that, as a friend, she wants me to be happy.

But, this is a girl, who stays with her boyfriend who is not interested in getting married. And although she wanted to get married in the beginning of the relationship and almost broke up with him because of it, and kept complaining about how he doesn't want to get married. It really frustrates me that of all people, she is the one who judges me for hanging up on my ex-fiance. I actually avoided her phone call for few weeks because talking to her actually hurt me too much. The only reason I talked to her today was because she called me from her boyfriend's place and left me a voice message without saying who she was, so I called her back.

When she started to say her usual comments on my relationship with my ex (we were not right for each other, and I've known it all along..) I confronted her, and she changed her tone. She said that it must have been a language barrier (english is not my mother tongue, but it is hers, but we never had language barrier before ), and she claimed that what she meant was, although we loved each other, I wanted marriage now, and he wasn't ready for marriage.

I am just fed up with her judgmental comments on my relationship when she doesn't really know what went on with my relationship and she herself is settling with a guy who can't give her what she wants. But I don't know how to let her go out of my life. Any suggestions?

[Diggitydave]

What stops u from just saying I don't want th be ur friend amymore because I feel horrible after the things u say to me?

[Hollyj]

Why don't you just tell her?

 

A wise friend once told me, we should never assume the other knows their is a problem or they are being hurtful. I say, you should be honest with her.

[MissyMolly]

Consider that you may bristling at her observations because they might be true. Hard as it is to hear, sometimes the cold, hard truth from where our closest friends sit is worth considering.

[blueberrypie]

Thank you for your suggestions.

 

Dave: Very good question. I think that I am afraid that she will start to bad-mouth me. She lives in the town where my ex lives. They belong to the same group. My ex once told me not to trust her because she seemed to talk bad things about her friends in front of strangers. So I guess that I am afraid that she would go to the meeting where my ex belongs and say that I am so depressed and hurt from the breakup that I am taking out on her. But I guess, I should just let her know.

 

Hollyj and MissMolly: I don't really consider her as a close friend. I knew that she was a bad influence on me even before the breakup. She seems to pay more attention to me when I am going through breakup not because she cares, but because she likes to be "in the know." I really don't know why I am still friends with her.

 

I guess I will just tell her how I feel and let her go...

[Diggitydave]

BBP,

 

I think I might "suffer" from a similar problem as you. This friend of yours sounds toxic in that a real "friend" should not be a person that causes you to be afraid in any way. I have a few of these "friends" in my life, yet I wonder why they are my "friend".

 

In my case I think it's just filling an empty space. I hope one day i'll realize I don't HAVE to associate with people like this.

 

As far as her saying things about you to your ex and your ex's reaction? Well, I suppose anyone you know mutually could potentially do the same, but that gets back to the whole "friend" thing. Anyway, in this case i'd be kind of scared that your ex (or whosevers ex) would learn that you're not doing well giving them the satisfaction they are maintaining power over you? Thats just me though.