How do you move past the pain of abandonment?

[blueberrypie]

I realized that I can live without him. I remembered how I was content without a guy in my life before I met him. I am learning to spend time by myself without being too depressed. And I see the hope of feeling okay just by myself.

But what I can't get over is... how do you move past the pain of abandonment? I guess it is more the pain of betrayal than the abandonment. Even though I feel okay being by myself, it still stings that he broke up with me. It still hurts that the person I loved and trusted betrayed my trust. After 3 1/2 years of spending time together, after getting engaged and planning life together, he left me. And he is moving on...and it hurts. How do you move past that?

[miss bear]

I wish I could find the answer for that. Your post could have come from me.

 

I have always been the type of person who was perfectly happy and content on my own.

 

Then I open myself up to someone allow myself to fall in love, believe all the promises, feel secure in my future with him and then he leaves and moves on while I am left to pick up the pieces.

 

A friend of mine's girlfriend of 10 years broke up with him 9 months ago and he told me it still hurts but we just have to keep getting through each day without them and eventually the pain starts to dull and eventually we will get better.

[sidehop]

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting, it must be very difficult to come that far in a relationship and suddenly getting cut off.

 

It is going to take time not only to accept that he won't be coming back but also gaining your trust back within yourself and others. One of the best ways to letting go is letting your emotions out if you have to (crying etc) but also slowly learn to forgive him and ultimately forgive yourself. If there's any part of you that blame that situation on yourself or keep the anger/hostility feelings towards him gaining back trust and the strength to move on may take much longer.

 

We as humans often times hold onto things that we love but when it's taken away or must let go knowing it's toxic for us, we struggle. When you do your best to accept the fact, allow yourself to become a stronger person and forgive the person who hurt you deep down, you are truly letting go of the negatives within as well as freeing yourself from hurting any further. That's when you have truly forgiven yourself to love and be loved again. Things will get better for you, stay strong.

[thespecial1]

These might be your darkest day with no hope in sight but as cliche as it sounds time does heal all wounds what you can do now to help ease the pain is vent(talking about it helps) find someone that will just listen to you without giving their two cents.

 

also motivate your self write on post it or index cards telling your self you deserve better and that you will move on, just stay positive because deep down you know you will get better and be happier once you get pass the barrier (which is the pain and betrayal) you will def start to feel better just stay positive try a new scenery, take part in new activities just continue to live and don't give him the justification of ruining your life each day is one step farther from him and closer to a newer happier you.

stay positive no matter how hard it seems pain is only temporary.

[Philos]

Only thing you can do is let it go... time goes forward, life goes forward, and that won't go forward.

 

Have to watch for warning signs in future relationships and try to really get a good match next time around.

[blueberrypie]

Thank you for the suggestions, guys.

 

I have a question: Does it help/hurt to go out on a date when you are still in the process of healing? I am in no way interested in a relationship, but what would be the harm in go on a date and check out what is out there, other than that I might unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings? But if I just go on a few dates, would it be too bad?

[thespecial1]

In your case it can only help because casually dating is giving you a chance to have a good time while enjoying the company of someone else with out any pressure, also you shouldn't even worry about hurting someone else 's feeling as long as you let them know you just want to date not start a relationship

 

and if you have girlfriends have a girls night out once a month. our even group date if you want by getting your self out there you are showing to your self your ready to move on with your life

 

enjoy yourself you deserve it put on your best smile and go have fun.

[Brownstone322]

I don't have an answer for this other than "time will fix it." There's no shortcut, unfortunately.

 

I like your use of those words "abandonment" and "betrayal," because in my case that's exactly what they were. She left me with no clear explanation after many years together, during which I did everything for her. And she never so much as looked back, not once. I know it's a worn-out theme around here, but it was if I never existed. I don't even know where she lives now.

 

Abandonment and betrayal, indeed. You have plenty of company.

[Cheetarah]

I have to say, time alone doesn't heal all wounds. Time can be utterly useless if your mind and heart don't wretch themselves away from the past. I spent 2.5 years trying to both get over the breakup, and figure out WHY I wasn't getting over the breakup. Just letting everything around me move forward while I stuck around behind, grasping onto this thin, flimsy little thread that I was binding myself to the past with.

 

I don't think a part of me fully accepted it was done. I had moved on in so many ways, yet there was this miniscule part of myself that was maybe hoping, hoping I could go back to where I was because I knew contentment then - And I was afraid that was the only way to achieve it once again. That's a lot of power to hand over to a person and a situation, isn't it?

 

It wasn't until I finally(painfully) told myself in the bluntest way possible, that I had to move on, that this chapter was closed, and there was a very solid chance I was missing out on other ways to achieve peace and contentment, and that I shouldn't waste any more time denying myself something so important for my well-being.

 

In regards to dating, it can be an aide to healing for some people. For me, it wasn't. I made comparisons, I ended the date feeling worse than I had, and I felt more lonely than ever. It's my preference to ride out the pain. In dating, you risk rejection, mind games, a little cat and mouse...Normal part of weeding through the dating process, but not ideal when your heart is already broken.

[Yaz]

I don't know. Dating is good, but think about the other person? Wouldn't want to lead them on... I'd feel bad if I took out my issues on another.

 

I'm sticking with going out with friends at the moment.

[Nothisdoormat]

Blueberrypie, Sorry you're having difficulty moving past the pain of abandonment.

 

Sadly, there is no way to get past it except to work through it. Then, in time, the pain will begin to subside. It seems the longer the relationship lasted, the harder it can be.

 

There was a time when my ex would call and I would feel so hopeful, even though he's been calling the entire duration of our breakup with nothing to say except "give me a call, I wanna talk to you," "give me a call, just so I know you're alright." Now, when he calls, I don't even look at the phone.

 

It gets better.

 

 

 

 

I realized that I can live without him. I remembered how I was content without a guy in my life before I met him. I am learning to spend time by myself without being too depressed. And I see the hope of feeling okay just by myself.

But what I can't get over is... how do you move past the pain of abandonment? I guess it is more the pain of betrayal than the abandonment. Even though I feel okay being by myself, it still stings that he broke up with me. It still hurts that the person I loved and trusted betrayed my trust. After 3 1/2 years of spending time together, after getting engaged and planning life together, he left me. And he is moving on...and it hurts. How do you move past that?