How long did it take you to heal from divorce?

[Lady Rashomon]

With my birthday and the holidays coming up, I've been thinking a lot about the last nine years of my life. Nine years ago, I met my STBX husband, and while things were rocky right from the start, the optimism of youth seemed to be on our side. It's so hard to fully believe that so much has changed over the course of the last decade. While I'm not second-guessing my decision to leave, I have been thinking a lot about the bittersweet passage of time, and how the people we are today are often not the same people we are in our memories. Listening to all the songs that remind me of him lead me back to so many moments--some of them difficult, many of them sweet. It's not enough to make me want to get back with him, because I understand that these feelings are just memories and mourning for the past. However, it does make me wonder how long this process is going to take. I have wonderful friends and family members, but the absence of someone who was a constant throughout some of the most pivotal years of my life is obviously very difficult. There are days when I question whether I'll be able to make it on my own (although, logically, I know that I will), or just when I wonder whether I'll ever feel joy, vitality, and excitement again. It feels like it's been such a long time.

 

Just venting, I guess.

[abitbroken]

It takes a long time. But everyone is different. And what do you mean by "getting over it". Some people think they are healed when they do not dwell on it daily. Some mark healing from when they move on to someone new. And some think healing is when they no longer react in any way to anything that happened. So it really depends. A few years later - I am with a wonderful man and happy as a clam and prior worked through a lot of stuff, but every few months, something will come up - an old memory. Sometimes it makes me glad that the ex left, but some make me sad. But it only lasts a few moments (and usually when I am PMS'ing) They say divorce is like a death - its a death of a marriage, but the thing more confusing is that the person is still alive. It is okay to have good memories. There is nothing you have to erase about a fond memory of a Christmas, etc., just as long as you are looking at it in a healthy way, as you are. Sometimes one doesn't truly move beyond until new positive memories are created with family, friends, or someone new. To me, when he first left me, I was a withered out shell and it took some time to get over things. There was healing from the break, but also similar to what you were thinking about not having someone there who was next to you in pivotal times.

[abitbroken]

Please respond here or send and email. I can help you get over your ex very quickly, in 30 mins or less.

 

There is no quick fix. There are too many layers to the onion.

[Lady Rashomon]

I agree that there are many layers--and it reminds me that the process of healing is one that isn't particularly linear. I think that in some ways, I will always remember the people that I've loved, but I want it to get to the point where there is no constant haunting reminder, where I'm happy enough with the life that I am living so that the painfulness of this time will have receded altogether and I'll be left with the lessons, not the emotions.

[kampuniform]

It’s largely a function of your attachment style, coupled with the degree of your emotional connection with this individual. It isn’t a direct passage, more of an aimless wandering in gradually increasing circles until the locus becomes indistinct. You remain on the periphery gazing inwards continuously, as the salient features of your union with this individual blur and grow increasingly indistinct.

 

The beauty of the experience resides in the fact that your path will inevitably intersect another’s making a similar journey, and your locus suddenly shifts.

 

When my union of ten years fragmented, it was six months of antipathy, and another six months to reach a point of indifference. I’ll see her from time to time, and the only thought that passes through me is wonder. Wondering what aspect of her held me in sway that there was ever a need to heal from her absence.

[Lady Rashomon]

It’s largely a function of your attachment style, coupled with the degree of your emotional connection with this individual. It isn’t a direct passage, more of an aimless wandering in gradually increasing circles until the locus becomes indistinct. You remain on the periphery gazing inwards continuously, as the salient features of your union with this individual blur and grow increasingly indistinct.

 

The beauty of the experience resides in the fact that your path will inevitably intersect another’s making a similar journey, and your locus suddenly shifts.

 

When my union of ten years fragmented, it was six months of antipathy, and another six months to reach a point of indifference. I’ll see her from time to time, and the only thought that passes through me is wonder. Wondering what aspect of her held me in sway that there was ever a need to heal from her absence.

 

Great post. I think I've gone through similar experiences before with past partners. Strangely enough, I suspect that it'll take me a shorter time to get over this relationship than it did to get over my much shorter-term relationships--only because I was carried along by the fantasy of those past relationships in the absence of a more complete picture of the other person. I feel like I've lived through the entire reality of my ex, and while I'll always love him, I also know that ultimately we are a bad match and we're very different from the people we were nine years ago.

[PaintWithLight]

Things will get easier once you begin replacing old memories with new current exciting ones. I agree it is difficult when those memories are linked to strong social or calendar events: Christmas, Valentines Day, etc. I had to give up on watching the Oscars for a few years because we had a special annual Oscar party and that event was very strongly associated with my EX.

 

Remember the sadness, pain and discomfort you feel now will PASS. Do not fall into the trap of negative thinking. Happiness is speeding towards you. Use this important time to prepare yourself for an exciting future!!

[AutumnBorn]

Lady, my husband moved out exactly three years and two months ago today. I filed for divorce 9 months later. It's been final two years and six weeks since the judge signed the papers making it official. I'll have an answer about recovery when it happens - if it does. Seriously. It's a journey. I don't know that you're ever "there".

 

Did you two try counseling? Is the divorce amicable? Children? Have you read Al Turtle's blog? (I virtually have it memorized - won't make the same mistakes again.)