Sister Took Upon Herself To Do Something Dumb...

[Philabonia]

So, its been 6 months now, and I've been involved with a few women since she left me. None have worked - in fact, they have made me lose faith in the female sex. Whether they be undependable and childish, narcissistic and vapid, or clinically depressed and bipolar, I just cant seem to find anyone worth the time. Its not like I have much time to look; school keeps me really busy. I know - I should just focus. But the fact is, I am very, very lonely, and would like nothing more than a conversation.

 

Anyways - Thanksgiving night, my sister and I have a deep conversation about my ex. I had been drinking, so I pretty much spill everything. Tears flowed, I said exactly how I felt, and I guess it affected her - she went inside and wrote my ex an email, telling her how horrible she was, how much I had changed, and how we absolutely HAD to talk. She only told me about this today. Needless to say, but I have no CLUE what to do now. My ex moved in with a new guy last month, and seems to be happy. I still love her and miss her dearly, but she has treated me with such utter disrespect that I can't be happy for her. It will take me years to forgive her for what she did, though I have much guilt over why things ended.

 

Anyways, what do I do, now that my sister has pretty much forced my hand? Do I apologize for my sisters rash (drunken) reaction? I'm inclined to just say nothing - we haven't spoken since June, and haven't texted in 2 months. Like I said, I still love her, but I'm not about to rock the boat for either of us. I am trying to move on, but I feel like something always gets in the way when I do - I feel so weak, and my sister just really complicated things.

 

I dont know what to do guys - she was my fiance. The gravity of it all just kills me at times, and that is exactly what is happening right now. How do you ever move on, when it seems the world (and your psyche) wont let you?

[woodc5]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I wouldn't worry about it. Your sister may have sent the e-mail, but has your ex contacted you about it? Try to brush it off like it never happened. Don't call, don't text. If your ex ever does bring it up to you, just say sorry it happened and leave it at that. You don't owe her any explanation.

 

It's tough to move on, but just keep doing what you're doing. In time, things will get better and easier. Good luck.

[lavenderdove]

I'm sorry... your sister feels your pain and just did something without thinking, but considering your ex has now moved in with someone else, it was very inappropriate... but you need to focus on YOU and not her, so you need to really start putting her out of the center of your thoughts such that you don't have any more drunken rants that set your sister off again....

 

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing, and really remind yourself that your ex has moved on and has a new guy now... she wouldn't be moving in wtih him unless she had strong feelings for him, so you need to let go.

[theartofruin]

Ah man, that sucks. I guess it's almost like breaking no contact even though it wasn't you -- just refreshes everything. I'm really sorry.

 

And I know exactly how you feel -- my ex treated me with such spite and disrespect when she left that I can't be happy for her now, even though I do harbour guilt and regret about how I sometimes acted in the relationship. Either way, I just want to move on and forget her, and a few weeks ago I drunkenly broke down in tears in front of my friends. Ugh. But had they contacted her, that's their issue -- I wouldn't bother emailing to apologise on your sister's behalf, because that probably would look like you were trying to get back into contact and reopen dialogue with her. Forget it. She isn't worth it, and if she does get in touch then just say it wasn't your fault but you're sorry and it won't happen again.

 

God I hate break ups so much, it feels like it never ends

[The_Seeker]

Naw, I wouldn't contact her to say sorry for that. She went with a new guy. I would high five my sister and joke with my sister about it and laugh it out. =] Great story to tell to the little nieces and nephews someday.

 

I agreed with theartofruin. Break ups never ends.

[catfeeder]

I would do nothing. I'd explain to sister that you love her and want to feel free to confide in her, but if she meddles in your business as a result, then she's setting you up to hold back from her. Promise to never meddle in her love life, and ask the same from her.

 

The ex is with someone else, so sister's blabbermail is irrelevant and should NOT be used as an excuse to contact the ex.

 

In your corner.

[Diggitydave]

I would do nothing. I'd explain to sister that you love her and want to feel free to confide in her, but if she meddles in your business as a result, then she's setting you up to hold back from her. Promise to never meddle in her love life, and ask the same from her.

 

The ex is with someone else, so sister's blabbermail is irrelevant and should NOT be used as an excuse to contact the ex.

 

In your corner.

 

LOL@blabbermail.

 

Anyway yeah dude. Minor bump in the road but unfortunately you're kinda sporting profile tires. Just remember that it's not you that wrote it, you had no intention of it and it wasn't your words. Just keep reminding yourself that as far as YOU are concerned this is not on you.

[Philabonia]

Thanks guys - Ive been feeling really low because of the holidays (first set without her), so I'm sure it seemed like a massive regression to my family, as compared to how Ive been the last couple of months. My ex hasn't responded as of yet, though she must have read it by now - I dont blame her, how do you respond to that?

 

As for everything else, I still cannot answer the most simple question I have - how in the world can someone simply walk out of your life without saying a word?? Part of me is glad my sister wrote the email, though it lets my ex know exactly what is going on; the saddest thing about this all, is that I have learned from this and become a better man, and she still thinks she is right in all this. Where I am more appreciative, understanding, and calm, she goes to bed every night thinking she did the right thing. It doesn't burn me that she is happy - everyone is entitled to finding their own happiness - its just that shes still out in the world without a sense of empathy. Spineless, selfish people make me sick, and only moreso when I realize I spent years of my life, thousands of dollars, and my first semester of school utterly engrossed by the pain she caused by her actions. When we fought, she used to tell me that "we control how we perceive and react to things; what we feel is up to us," and to an extent, I agree. But how could anyone feel anything other than pain over something like this? She continues on in her irrationality, and the devil on my shoulder cannot wait to see her fall. Love stinks.

[Diggitydave]

Just curious if u were ever the dumper?

[Philabonia]

No way - she was my fiance - she walked out on me literally out of the blue, and hasnt spoken to me since the break-up conversation on June 17. What I know about her life is what friends tell me. I didnt even chase or bug her - I gave her space and time (like she asked for), and then I find out shes moving in with a new guy. I got the ring back, but that honestly didnt matter the most - I am just still in shock, and think I almost always will be. Loved that women to death, which is definitely why my sister did what she did -- its obvious to everyone with a soul that you just dont walk out of an engagement and never say a word to the other person. Its just cruel.

[Philabonia]

Just reread your post - my bad I was running late this morning. Yes, I've been the dumper once. I still cared for the girl, but I simply could not be with her anymore - lives were just taking separate paths. I explained myself, and was extremely considerate. Essentially, just treated her with respect and tried to do what I would want done to me. Breaking up is a part of life, we are entitled to our own happiness, but that does not mean we get to be ruthless. I spent many nights talking with her for hours. Eventually, she got over it, as did I, and we are still good friends. Though sometimes it got tough to reiterate my points and explain myself when someone was having irrational moments, I think it was much better to be there for her and split amicably then leave a rift. Yeah, Im sure it took longer for her to get over things, but even she has said that she doesnt have the type of baggage other relationships have left her. Leads me to believe its all about how much you care for one another, and whether you can be an adult about an unfortunate situation.

 

My ex-fiance was not.

[theartofruin]

I agree with this ^^

 

I've never broken up with a 'proper' girlfriend before (always the dumpee!), and only one time has my then-girlfriend treated me with any respect and fairness, and this was when we were teenagers! Every other ex has treated me with disdain and either cheated on me, or strung me along and lied and played games with me.

 

With my recent ex, I did tentatively 'try' and break up with her at one point because we were having so many fights, but I was direct and respectful and adult about it. (We gauged each other's feelings, and I agreed that if we loved each other and were willing to make an effort then I didn't want to end it. There was never anyone else at all, I would have only broken up for the right reasons. But yeah, we stayed together). A few months later, and she drops me in the most cruel and selfish manner possible. I just don't understand it.

 

How can people treat somebody with such disrespect and indifference, when you spent and shared so much together. At one point you loved each other, right?!

[Brownstone322]

As for everything else, I still cannot answer the most simple question I have - how in the world can someone simply walk out of your life without saying a word??

I read some of your other threads, and I've seen you ask this question before. It's a fair question too. My general answer is this: I don't know. But I'm not a sociopath, either.

 

However, in your particular case, I think it's a bit more clear. I think her behavior is entirely about this other guy, which changes everything, especially among the immature. She no doubt left you for him, and they probably cheated (at least emotionally) while the two of you were still together. I've seen several posts here where women brazenly admitted that they once left their boyfriends/fiancés for other guys and didn't care one whit at the time. Not a bit. They were focused entirely on New Guy, who was (of course) the answer to all their hopes and dreams. They wanted their exes (worn, damaged goods) to disappear as if they never existed. Sound about right?

 

But here's the thing: Those relationships didn't work out either.

 

I know it's cliché, but your ex is in her "honeymoon phase" with New Guy, and you (or your sister, obviously) aren't gonna make so much as a dint in her psyche. Because, right now, she doesn't care about anything other than herself. That's the ugly truth. I went through the exact same thing once.

 

On the upside, my ex's relationship with New Guy ultimately crashed and burned, as I suspect your ex's will in due course. In my case, by the time that happened, I didn't much care. I didn't even take any satisfaction from it. The "devil on my shoulder" was otherwise engaged. I truly, sincerely, absolutely didn't give a damn.

 

You'll get there too.

[Philabonia]

^^Both posts above are awesome, and have made my day - though Brownstone, that is painful to hear, though I admittedly agree.

 

Busy day - Ill fill you in with some specs later.

[catfeeder]

[...] its just that shes still out in the world without a sense of empathy. Spineless, selfish people make me sick, [...] She continues on in her irrationality, and the devil on my shoulder cannot wait to see her fall. Love stinks.

 

Your revenge is knowing that she will always be her.

 

I wouldn't imbue her with any happiness she may not necessarily own right now. People who leapfrog always overdo the happy mask. Their private hell is trying to live up to that after the initial adrenaline buzz wears thin, and that can be worse than just copping to a mistake.

 

Head high.