Celibacy, Anyone?

[Lady Rashomon]

It's funny that I find myself commenting a lot on the Sex & Romance board, but maybe it makes sense. See, I'm currently celibate--for the near and present future, and possibly longer. I just got out of a nine-year relationship wherein the sex was pretty mediocre. For that reason, lots of friends think that I should just jump back into the dating scene and simply indulge for a while, but that's not really my m.o. I know that I have a lot of things I need to sort out on a personal, emotional level before I get entangled (figuratively or literally) with someone else. I'm also NOT into the casual FWB thing and would prefer to have mind-blowing sex with someone that I am connected to and care about.

 

Of course, all of this is easier said than done. I find myself in a state of constant sexual frustration, but I also figure--I've lived with THAT for years, so why not wait a little longer?

 

Anyone else on this board celibate, either voluntarily or involuntarily? Have any stories or tips to share?

[Chandra]

I decided after my recent relationship that I needed to take a year to enjoy myself as a single adult and part of that would not be engaging in sexual acts with other people. I don't think I can have casual sex with someone without an emotional attachment.

 

So yeah.. you never know when you are going to meet someone amazing, but I am committed to not committing sexual acts with anyone else until I do. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy my own needs by myself though haha

[Lady Rashomon]

Good points, Chandra. I'm focusing A LOT on finding ways to have fun that don't involve getting sexually or romantically involved with anybody. So far, things are working very well, but I have to admit that there are times I wish the intimate connection with another person was present. (Although I also feel, at the same time, that my head is much clearer without the complications of sex to cloud my judgment.) Ironically enough, now that I'm officially in a period of self-imposed celibacy, the sexual interest from potential suitors has been cranked up all the way.

[PaintWithLight]

I can understand 100% of what you are saying. I think it is healthy to have periods of both celibacy and torrid activity. As for your friends suggesting to dive back in the dating pool and indulge... LOL. There is a LOT of bad sex out there. I think is a big myth that all those singles out there are going from one fantastic sexual encounter to another. From our own experiences and those on this board, we know great sex is often difficult to find. Life is just too short to settle for bad sex.

 

For some of us mind-blowing sex only comes from a connection and deeper trust. Some people can get intimate faster with another person. Others can detach and still have a good time. It is the MUTUAL mind-blowing that is the trick.

 

I think you are on the right track. Take some ME time! LOL.

[Chandra]

Good points, Chandra. I'm focusing A LOT on finding ways to have fun that don't involve getting sexually or romantically involved with anybody. So far, things are working very well, but I have to admit that there are times I wish the intimate connection with another person was present. (Although I also feel, at the same time, that my head is much clearer without the complications of sex to cloud my judgment.) Ironically enough, now that I'm officially in a period of self-imposed celibacy, the sexual interest from potential suitors has been cranked up all the way.

 

Yeah... I feel like I am being hit on more than ever before. I just enjoy the chase and the flirtation without getting involved. When you are unattainable, you are more attractive to others. Go figure.

[WindowTo]

I think it is a mistake (usually) to fly to either extreme end of the spectrum ( * * * * ty mc * * * * terson vs celibacy) I think you should keep an open and active mind towards making the healthiest and happiest sexual decisions that you can instead of potentially missing a good thing in your life for the sake of following an arbitrary rule that you made which denies the current context of whatever your situation might be at the time. Identify where your boundaries are for long term happiness and reference them when you are feeling short term impulses and you can mitigate your regrets to the best of your ability IMO!! I mean honestly, planning to be celibate, it just sounds like you are planning to make yourself sad hahaha.

[Fudgie]

I think being celibate is cool. Take some ME time, enjoy life. As long as you don't feel deprived, go for it.

 

My boyfriend and I haven't had sex since spring (although we make out) and I am enjoying it a lot.

[Lady Rashomon]

I've pretty much always taken the middle road and have never been the kind of person to swing between two extremes, so I totally get what you're saying. The period of self-imposed celibacy also doesn't have a set-in-stone time limit. When I feel that I'm ready to be sexual with another person, and if the right opportunity presents itself, I will be open to it. But I've been through emotional hell in the past year or so and have recently ended the most significant relationship of my life, so I know intuitively that I'm not ready to share my body with another person. In that sense, celibacy isn't just an arbitrary rule--it's something that I know I need. Kind of like re-setting the meter, so to speak. Getting clear and figuring out my energetic boundaries (especially as the end of this relationship has dredged up a lot in the way of past wounds, childhood trauma, etc.).

 

I'm also trying to find other ways to indulge and enjoy my sensuality, so deprivation isn't really part of the formula.

[SapphireNoir10]

I am definatley putting the brakes on any kind of relationship so celibacy is for me at the moment.

[Lady Rashomon]

I think being celibate is cool. Take some ME time, enjoy life. As long as you don't feel deprived, go for it.

 

My boyfriend and I haven't had sex since spring (although we make out) and I am enjoying it a lot.

 

 

Ah, making out...Now that's a luxury that I really miss. I remember when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, when I could make out with a boyfriend all night without there being any other kind of sexual activity. Strangely, made it feel that much more intense and passionate.

[newwave]

Right now I am celibate. I used to have an active sex life with lots of sex (and partners). I had several FWBs in between relationships. I had a high sex drive and it was getting me into trouble. It felt good but afterwards a big letdown. I managed to separate sex and love, but there were times I fell and I got hurt. Then a few years ago I was diagnosed with HPV. I realized then I was lucky and never got anything worse (like AIDS or pregnant) and became celibate. Now I've kind of gone the opposite way and want to wait to have sex until I am in a serious relationship. Of course there are times I regret this and am considering a FWB again, but I'm afraid it will become a problem like before.

[PaintWithLight]

Resetting the meter is the perfect analogy. You may not be the same person sexually that you were when you began your last relationship. This is a time to indulge and explore, even reassess old attitudes or examine compromises you made along the way. The biggest turn on for a man is to be with a woman who knows her own body and knows what floats her boat. We are avid learners when pointed in the right direction. But many times, there is no road map or even an owners manual. LOL

[WindowTo]

Ok, but this just reeks of putting issues in a box instead of dealing with them to me. If you can make the decision to be celibate and keep with it at the moment can't you make the decision to decide whether it is a good decision or not? The entire point of the exercise seems to be to simply be able to avoid having to make the decision, but I think it is better to encourage yourself to continue to make good decisions and if nothing else practice and learn from it in context because all or nothing philosophies have proven to encourage a return to bad behavior once you are done your limiting time period. It is like a purge binge eating cycle as opposed to a generally good diet. The point is that I do not believe that sex is innately not evil nor does it naturally cause unhappiness, it only causes unhappiness when you deal with it the wrong way, and I think my method encourages positive use more so then by ignoring the subtleties of the situation with celibacy.

[Lady Rashomon]

Okay, what issues, exactly, am I putting in a box? It's awfully judgmental of you to assume that my not having sex right now means that I am being avoidant. I never said that sex is innately evil (far be it!) or that it will lead to unhappiness, just that I know that I am not psychologically ready to be involved with somebody on that level. Also, this has nothing to do with "returning to bad behavior" after my period of celibacy is over with. I am not worried about going crazy and becoming overly hedonistic, as I've always been a moderate person. This is simply something that feels right to me at the time being.

[Jetta]

I'm basically celibate but by choice really as I've had offers to "induldge" but that's not my thing either. I want to be in a reasonably serious relationship before going to that level, but I can never wait as long as I'd like to wait so we'll just see where I end up. But for now yes I am celebate.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd probably wait a while to engage in any romantic relationships (or sex) if my boyfriend and I were to break up.

 

Long term relationships coming to an end really take a lot out of a person....and I'd just want to be alone for a bit. Find my balance.

[Fudgie]

Ah, making out...Now that's a luxury that I really miss. I remember when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, when I could make out with a boyfriend all night without there being any other kind of sexual activity. Strangely, made it feel that much more intense and passionate.

 

I enjoy making out a lot more than sex actually. I've had a LOT of sex with one guy in the past so I know what it's like but I love making out.

[tiredofvampires]

Ah, making out...Now that's a luxury that I really miss. I remember when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, when I could make out with a boyfriend all night without there being any other kind of sexual activity. Strangely, made it feel that much more intense and passionate.

 

I enjoy making out a lot more than sex actually. I've had a LOT of sex with one guy in the past so I know what it's like but I love making out.

 

Amen, ladies.

 

Making out is divine. I agree. Pure adoration and sensuality.

 

If you can make the decision to be celibate and keep with it at the moment can't you make the decision to decide whether it is a good decision or not?

 

Seems like you're artificially trying to create a problem where there is none here in a decision made by someone thinking clearly. It's like someone has just said, "For now, I don't want to date" and you're saying, "If you can decide to hold off on dating, why can't you decide to doubt that decision?" Who are you to question someone else's timetable?

 

 

 

Sometimes one makes a decision because it's the right thing to do and if it feels right, there's no further need to question that decision. What about that would you quibble with?

 

You can't compare sex to binge/purge eating -- no way. Because everyone has to eat. So it's not a legitimate decision to go through a phase of not eating. But sex is something people can decide they NEVER want to have or do, and it's perfectly legitimate and they're not going to die if they don't get it/have it. Nor is it an inherently unhealthy decision to abstain from sex. Being disinterested in it, or asexual, or wanting to focus on other things, or having no one you'd like to do it with are perfectly sane, reasonable reasons not to engage in it until and unless those circumstances change. People go for years without sex and can lead balanced lives (I know a couple of them) and their bodies don't wither away.

 

So sex is not something you need to strike some "happy medium" with, or to practice "the Golden Mean" with, just to do so. There is no such criteria that universally holds like that for sex, as it does with exercise or sleep or food intake.

 

I don't have to go out and find mediocre sex with someone I find marginally tolerable for the purpose to fulfill a quota in order to remain healthy and balanced. In fact I'd say that's a pretty off-center -- and unproductive -- mindset. And I don't need to re-evaluate the decision that this idea sounds like crap to me, so I don't want to do it.

 

I'm in a period (now just over 4 years) of celibacy, and in some ways, I'd say it's chosen and in others, not. Because the opportunities exist right now for me to be able to break the dry spell. There are people, real guys, a couple of whom have been very explicit about their propositions, whom I could get it fully on with. So in that sense, I have the option to not be celibate. But I'm not taking them up on it for a variety of reasons, and these reasons are ones that are NOT voluntary, unfortunately. I have some health problems I'm trying to work out that affect me in this area. And that's not a matter of choice for me. I also have no desire -- even if these health issues were resolved -- at this stage in my life to be farting around with "quick fixes" that will only bring messy emotional fallout and ambiguity (either for them or me -- because these are people whom I care about), that will gratify me very little to not at all (for the dead-ended feeling), since they are not long-term prospects, and in the process might only lead to an STD. All of these considerations are realities that I have no control over -- they are either wired into me, or they are worldly realities.

 

One must remember that having sex with people is a risk -- a physical risk, even if you detach emotionally. And that's not a risk I'm willing to take on the fly, when I want to stay clean (as I am now) for the man whose body I really want to share mine with. It's really simple: I want to be in love with the next one, and to be able to see it deepening.

 

I'm holding out for the special man, the hard-won gift and the prize that comes of patience. Which will only be that much sweeter for the longer I've held out. And actually, feeling sexually deprived comes up a lot for me (and my libido is actually through the freakin ceiling these days), but reiterating my reasons helps me channel that feeling into something that doesn't spiral out of control. I just re-focus on my immediate needs and other things that are pleasurable.

 

In the meantime, I fill my life with the challenge of making myself fitter for that person. I want them to have the best me there can be, in all ways.

 

Props to you, OP. I'm in your camp, and you just take as long as you need to work on your life, your issues, your personal growth as you feel is necessary. There's no hurry for sex, you can always get it when you've come to a better, readier place. You’ll know it when you feel it, so trust yourself. I've been where you are numerous times (now being one) and I can't endorse it highly enough.

[Lady Rashomon]

Word. Thanks for preaching it! Totally agreed on all points! This isn't a matter of deprivation, either. If I want to get off, I can do so whenever I want (and masturbation is DEFINITELY not off limits for me), but intimacy with the right person is worth waiting for. As I told another poster, I have a tendency to become emotionally attached to people when I am intimate with them, even when they aren't the right fit for me. Rather than needlessly get caught up with someone else, I'd like to be judicious about who I share my body with. Currently, I know that I am very vulnerable, and I'd rather take some time to recalibrate and stand on my own two feet rather than use sex as a crutch to fulfill my emotional needs.

[greywolf]

I enjoy making out a lot more than sex actually. I've had a LOT of sex with one guy in the past so I know what it's like but I love making out.

 

Really? I like kissing, but I've never really liked making out. It just doesn't do it for me.

[SymphonyMinor]

 

Props to you, OP. I'm in your camp, and you just take as long as you need to work on your life, your issues, your personal growth as you feel is necessary. There's no hurry for sex, you can always get it when you've come to a better, readier place. You’ll know it when you feel it, so trust yourself. I've been where you are numerous times (now being one) and I can't endorse it highly enough.

 

 

*raises hand* I'll second that...

[Blue Spiral]

I've considered it, shockingly enough. There are times when I get tired of dealing with people; even FWBs requires "social work" that I'm not really cut out for, and don't care about. Likewise, there are times when it's less something that's enjoyable, and more something that I just need to get out of my system, so I can go back to focusing on the stuff I really care about.

[PaintWithLight]

Really? I like kissing, but I've never really liked making out. It just doesn't do it for me.

 

Kissing is part of the making out family tree isn't it? I tend to think of making out as intense sexual contact without leading to intercourse or climax.

 

And intense contact without the desire of sexual contact or climax would be.... the final two weeks of my last relationship. LOL.

 

I agree with the poster about the joys of making out. It recalls a time where every kiss and every touch counted because you did not have the privacy to go any further and you could be interrupted at any moment. Remember hearing the car door slam outside or the scratch of a key in the lock? Then leaping apart and picking up the random text book to convince everyone that you had just been studying. Those were the days...

[greywolf]

Kissing is part of the making out family tree isn't it? I tend to think of making out as intense sexual contact without leading to intercourse or climax.

 

And intense contact without the desire of sexual contact or climax would be.... the final two weeks of my last relationship. LOL.

 

I agree with the poster about the joys of making out. It recalls a time where every kiss and every touch counted because you did not have the privacy to go any further and you could be interrupted at any moment. Remember hearing the car door slam outside or the scratch of a key in the lock? Then leaping apart and picking up the random text book to convince everyone that you had just been studying. Those were the days...

 

Yes, it's part of it, but kissing is like a couple of kisses here and there, and making out is... well.. it's making out. And like you said, it doesn't lead to intercourse of climax. Not for me, definitely. Actually, that's not true. A lot of times I can mess around and do stuff and I don't mind if it doesn't lead to anything. I just don't like making out I guess.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I don't like the idea of celibacy, nor do I like sleeping with random people or searching hard to find a right relationship. I'm not sure what I can do, lol.

 

I totally agree with the poster who said good sex is hard to come by. Sometimes I feel dating or finding good intimacy can be like a second job and my friends who date a lot agree with me.