Judochick Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 (I also posted this in "relationship conflicts"--hope that's OK!) This is going to sound so stupid but it's become a real problem and i'd love some advice! I forget how we got on the subject but about a month ago it came to my BF's attention that I had taken a year's worth of judo classes in college (I graduated a year ago) ...anyway he thought this was hysterical and teased me about it, called me "judogirl" and such, and I was OK w/it, but then he made the mistake of challenging me to a wrestling match...and I beat him. > > I actually thought it was fun, (and even a little sexy when I pinned him) but his ego was instantly bruised and since then he's challenged me to several other "bouts", and no matter how hard he tries, i've beaten him every time. I understand what he's going through, b/c I'm not at all a "big" girl; I'm tall but thin and I'm not muscular (although I do have very strong legs from jogging)and he's a pretty athletic guy w/a significant weight advantage over me. He just can't deal w/that fact that he's getting thrown to the floor and pinned by a girl, even when I explain to him that my judo skills give me a real advantage despite the fact that he's bigger and stronger. > > The last few times he's challenged me i've refused to wrestle b/c i'm sick of his pouty, mean attitude when he loses; he just becomes a real jerk and it's no fun, but refusing to wrestle him just makes him more > frustrated and angry. I did suggest that we take some classes together so we can be on a more even playing field but he said "I don't need to know judo to beat you--you're just getting lucky"...how pathetic is that?? > > I don't know what to do--should I just fake it and let him win? I'd rather he be proud of my skills, and > frankly after growing up as "the pretty girl" who was expected to do nothing more athletic than cheerleading while my brothers starred in varsity sports, i'm kind of proud that i'm actually good enough at a martial arts form that I can defeat a guy (I also told him that I had won some sparring matches in college > against boys--not many but some--but that didn't seem to help)... > I know this seems silly but it's affecting our relationship and I could really use some advice. Thanks... _________________ JC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meow18 Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Wow, you must be really good! I can imagine he's probably really embarrassed by it. I mean, some guys are really self confident about that. Too bad he just can't find the fun in it & not be so depressed about losing. I think the best way for him to get over it is just don't wrestle with him anymore. If he brings up the subject, just change it. If he starts talking about how you are just getting lucky, then just start talking about something else. Hopefully eventually he will see that you don't want to talk about it, & he'll stop bringing it up. Definantly do not go bragging to his friends about it or anything, which I'm sure you don't, but that will just make it so much worse. I think that if you just don't talk about it & don't wrestle him anymore, eventually he just will forget about it. If it gets so bad though, like he just won't let it go & freaks out about it a lot, then maybe be like "fine, this is the last time" & then let him win. Its annoying that he won't just accept that you learned a lot in your classes & he can't just be happy that you can defend yourself from a guy. What you know could possibly save your life someday. I would think he would want you to be skilled. Its also annoying that he won't just accept that & not be such a sore loser about it. But I can understand that some guys just can't handle knowing a girl can beat them up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkemmet Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Four words of advice for you: LET. THE. MAN. WIN. 8) And three words of opinion on you'r bf's attitude: WHAT A NERD! You know you could beat him......Let him have his shattered ego back. Good luck - wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kdreger Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 I agree with Meg. If you care about his feelings - Let him win. That said, be honest, haven't you lost respect for him. Not only because you can beat him but the fact he doesn't deal with it well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judochick Posted July 14, 2004 Author Share Posted July 14, 2004 Honestly I haven't lost respect for him b/c I can beat him--only b/c of his attitude about it... I know it looks bad from a guy's perspective, but w/out training, he doesn't understand that his greater strength actually works against him when I use judo..it's all about leverage and timing (and yes, SOME aggressive moves on my part combined w/some leg strength and his tendency to get tired quickly from his cig. habit!) but even tho' I lost 90% of matches I had against guys in class, I did occasionally win against one or 2 of the boys --and they had training! So I keep telling him I'm not thinking he's a "wuss" or anything but he just keeps challenging me and baiting me, which is the worst part...all this "you're just a girl" stuff and i'll figure out your tricks nonsense--it makes me want tothrow the words back in his face! But I know that's MY ego talking and I have to stop... I'm just worried that if I let him win, he'll know i'm doing it and be even more pissed....I wouldnever embarrass him by telling his friends and I don't taunt him when I win (Ok, I did the FIRST time before I knew it would bother him so bad--I was just kidding around and now I feel guilty about that but since he keeps baiting me for another match maybe i'll try maggie's idea and say "let's have ONE more match" and just fake it well enough to satisfy his ego--I just hope it does! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiglyD Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Hi Judochick, I think your story is just so funny. I completely agree with you. Its totally no big deal and I know where you are coming from. Your BF is insecure, and in some ways many men are so don't hold that against him too much. There are few men who are secure with themselves enough to just brush things like this off and have a good time. He is acting very childish however, and immature. If he was more of a man he should look upon you with more respect that you gianed judo skills and know how to take care of yourself. Instead of being hurt and angry about it he should act proud of you, and support you in defeting him. He should be impresed that his girl knows her stuff and he dosen't just a weak little thing on his arm. Beating him shows that you have strength, character, and that you learned some quality skills. He should jump at the chance to learn from you or complement you on your skills. If you were just some girl on campus who he had an argument with and he got his butt kicked I could understand his frustration, but there is a difference between getting beaten by a girl and getting beaten by a girlfriend. Getting beaten by a girl will hurt a guy's ego but getting beaten by his girlfriend should be a fun experience that could potentially open many doors for new and fun experiences. You were even trying to go in that direction by asking him whether he was interested in being open to taking some classes, and you even thought it was kinda sexy when you beat him. However he took offense to it and does not see the positives that can come out of this. This should not be something that gets between you, but something that should be a good story to tell among friends, laugh about, and maybe even bring you two closer together. Its all about having the right perspective on things. You could have tried letting him win to let him put his ego back together, if you only beat him once. However since you beat him again and again he will know that it is an act and might get more pissed. It can work only if you roleplay it right. You would have to appear like you are trying your best and then let him pin you or pretend not to be able to get out of his guard if he gets on top of you. After the match you should be pissed off at yourself and even at him a little (pretending) and immediately demand a rematch telling him that he "got lucky". Set the match up for the following day....Then let him win again. This might work. Just be careful make sure you guys don't get hurt and don't take it too far. The last thing you want him to do is loose control and hit you for real. However having said that, you could actually pretend to get hurt during a match and show how vulnerable you are and that despite your judo skills you are "still a girl" in his eyes. That might also work. Meaning that he could still feel like the protector and the man if you show hurt and "run" to his aid. Start crying or saying your elbow is hurt and stop the match, and then say how much you could never fight him for real and how your are a girl and needs his help. You can rebuld his ego by putting his preconcieved notions of domminance back onto his side of the table. Show weakenss and show that you "need" him for his strength and support even if you don't. That is the other way to make him win, besides just letting him win the match. Let him win mentally not physically...that is what is more important. Your other option is to start playing other "games" with him, not mind games...but fun things.... whether it be monopoly, or basketball, or going to some fair or video games, and let him win in that. Let him believe that even though you can beat him in judo, he can beat you in other things even if you are better. This might put his ego back together enough where he will drop this judo subject and maybe reflect on how stupid he is about the whole thing. one other option might be for you to just forget the subject all together and tell him that you do not want to talk about the subject again and if he challenges you ignore it. Let him cool off. This might be the best option, because you are not fueling the fire. Focus on other things. In a perfect scenario it would be nice if he just realized that he is being stupid about this. I think the fact that you took judo is way cool, and if I was in his shoes I would congratulate you. I think in the long run what you did might do him some good especially if you drop the subject and let him reflect on it. He just got a little dose of humility and this might go along way toward making him a better person once he gets a chance to reflect. You seem very competative and that is fueling the fire, as this is what the guy wants. A guy needs to win, to feel superior even if it means nothing to you, especially if he has some insecuritues. The only way to stop this is to either let him win in some way directly or indirectly, or confront him and tell him how stupid he is, and that there is not competition going on between you and if he pursues it he will only make himself look more stupid. Try talkign to him or suggest new things to try together for fun not for cometition. You can even reccomend having a match in the nude...and at some point submit to him, have sex, and let him have you, so he gets his rocks off and feels in control, like tarzan. There are always options.... One thing I learned over the years especially from mixed martial arts, full contact fighting is that there is always someone better then you. being humble about what you know and not letting defeat get to you is the right way to go about it. Anytime you loose, even if its to a girl it should be a learning experience about yourself. Your dude needs to figure this out. Good luck.. p.s. look at it this way...at least if you ever break up with him he won't do anything stupid becasue he knows you can kick his butt.. hah! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judochick Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 Thanks digly (and everyone) for your kind words and suggestions....I guess my acting skills are going to be put to the test soon b/c I finally agreed to one more match w.the BF (tonight) b/c he just would not stop pestering me...frankly, I would rather have just kept refusing but he's convinced now that i'm just trying to rest on the laurels of my earlier victories and insisted he get another chance.... ...I don't think I can fake the "damsel in distress/ow! I hurt my arm" thing well enough, but I can maybe get it to the point where he achieves a believable pin...in our previous matches, there's been just a couple of times when he's been able to get the upper hand (at least initially) by getting me in a kind of "bear hug" and using his greater size and strength to take me down....but once on the floor I've always been able to release his grip by manipulating his wrist and then getting my legs wrapped around one of his arms or his waist and squeezing really hard which just wears him out completely....more often it doesn't even get to that point b/c I just throw him to the floor w/leg sweeps or wrist throws and wait for him to get exhausted before moving in for the pin....but if I can let him get me in a bear hug and just allow him to roll me over for a pin that SHOULD work...fact is, if he did get on top of me, I would be helpless b/c he's just flat out heavier and stronger than me! I like the "wrestle nude" idea, too! But sadly, he just doesn't see the erotic potential here (at least when I win)...One time I did try to --y'know--start something--after I had pinned him, but he just yelled for me to get off b/c he was so upset about losing to a girl...as I said in a different post, I think that's so stupid b/c (w/out sounding too conceited I hope) I am a good looking chick and if you're going to get pinned down by a girl, why not at least be grateful if she's easy on the eyes and take advantage of that? But he's just too caught up in the whole ego thing to go there...(That's the other reason I feel I have to let him win b/c we've always had a good sex life but it's suffered a bit since this started and even tho' it makes me mad that it seems he can't be turned on unless he's "in control"or whatever, I don't want the sex to go south b/c of it... My bigger concern now is how he'll react after I let him win b/c as you correctly noted I am pretty competitive (I don't really mean to be--it just kinda gets a hold of me--like when we wrestle, I just instantly start doing my best, looking for ways to win and I hope he doesn't get totally obnoxious and gloat too much after he "wins" b/c it'llbe hard for me to swallow my pride and just take it... ...and I think a lot of that goes back to when I was relegated to the cheerleader pom poms while my brothers got all the attention from my Dad for being ultra-jocks in high school....I wanted to do sports so badly, and I knew I had the athletic talent, but I didn't want to disappoint my Dad (who's like waaaay too old school and didn't want his "baby girl" getting hurt playing competitive sports) so I waited until college to do something like judo, and then all the pent up athletic competitive fire came out! *sigh*...I'll let y'all know how it goes if you're still interested Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basi Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 He needs to understand that he is losing because he is not as skilful as you, which is Ok, rather than because he is weaker than you which would be humiliating for him as a male. I don't think he'll be fooled by you letting him win, but why not agree to change the rules to put more emphasis on strength. So, for instance, you could both start on your knees, gripping each others shoulders and see what happens from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1 Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 I wouldnt let him win. A relationship is not about who is 'better' its about being supportive, loving and giving. About doing things that makes the other person happy, its not about who is better at wrestling or full contact golf. Your BF either likes it and just finds reasons to wrestle you, or he has an insecurity issue. If its insecurity, then he is going to have to settle things within himself because if its not wrestling, its going to be something else. Heck I would be bragging if I had a strong GF who could do what you do, and thats because its your art, you train, practice and you have a great amount of skill and technique. If you dont mind giving in and letting him win, okay let him win, but I dont think the competition will stop there. Either way, you are a remarkable person. You are devoted, dedicated and you have the heart to concern yourself over a this. I hope the competition stops at this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 I did suggest that we take some classes together so we can be on a more even playing field but he said "I don't need to know judo to beat you--you're just getting lucky"...how pathetic is that?? Yep. OP. Pathetic and childish. Anjd: The last few times he's challenged me i've refused to wrestle b/c i'm sick of his pouty, mean attitude when he loses; he just becomes a real jerk and it's no fun, but refusing to wrestle him just makes him more > frustrated and angry. He seems to have a huge inferiority complex, and is definitely a very poor sport. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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