Getting pregnant for the first time in your late 30s/early 40s

[Lady Rashomon]

I am close to 31 years old and I've always been pretty adamant about not having children. For various reasons, I'm in NO position to even think about doing so now (and nor would I want to be), but many of my girlfriends who either want or have babies have told me that I will most likely change my mind. Now, I have plenty of justifications for WHY I don't want to have kids (starting with zero population growth and having no real maternal instinct), but I have had the fleeting idea that when I'm 40, I might be singing a different tune. I'm curious--how many women on this board were first-time moms in their late 30s/early 40s? Was it easy or difficult to conceive? Are you glad you waited that long before having children? And did your feelings about wanting to be pregnant change from your late 20s/early 30s to your late 30s/early 40s?

[savignon]

My feelings about having children definitely changed from my 20s to 30s. I'm pregnant for the first time now (34 turning 35) and hope to have another. My mom and aunt both had healthy pregnancies at 40 so I haven't felt in a rush. I figured that having children would be more ideal when I wanted them (duh) and when I was in the right relationship and those 2 things factored higher than age. There's no reason you have to swear off children. You might change your mind and you might not....you might be older when you finally consider children and if you are, you will find friends and colleagues who have been or who are going through that stage in their life at the same time. So it's not as if you're friends will all be "ahead" of you and you'll be trailing behind.

My sister is an EXCELLENT mother and she had her first at 24. I would have been a HORRIBLE mother at that age and am thankful my child will have the 35 year old version of me and not the 24 year old one. So, yes, I'm glad my life's circumstances have brought me to have my child in my 30s.

[dancingcolors]

I had my daughter when I was 36. it was fine. I started wanting kids when I was 30, but I with with a guy who didn't want them. So we broke up and I met my kid's dad 2 years alter. It took 11 months to conceive. Honestly being older now, I wish I had started sooner and had more kids. My friends with more kids have a richer, fuller life and lots of grandkids. I am 58.

[Uma]

I had my first when I was 38. Your hormones change when you get older. A GF of mine was 40 when her "Oh my god, i haven't reproduced" desires were very overpowering. I felt the urge kick in about 35.

 

I'm glad I waited until I was older to have children because they have such a huge impact on your life - it changes completely. I went through fertility treatments because of male infertility.

 

In my 20s I would never have had the patience I do now, but then I don't have the energy I had in my 20s - so being fit is more important. But there are times when I wish i had had children before I was 35, because then I would have felt like I had more options of having more than one child.

[bearskittie]

hey i know you wanted first time mums in their 30's-40's and i know i'm only 21 the same age my mum was when she had me but my mum had my sister in her 30's yes 11yrs after she had me.

I have spoken to my mum about it and she said it was different in her 20's she got sick and threw up for 5-6months with me but when she had my sister when she was about 32-33 it was worse then in her 20's she said the sickness was worse and but the only good thing was her tummy didnt hurt as much as it did the first time of course but she did say her tummy got huge with my sister and it did many doctors before her first scan thought she was having twins!

My mum's thoughts about pregnancy changed as she got older she said she would never want to really have a child after 35 as she took longer to recover and had my sister though a c-section which doctors told her in older women is very common there for she wouldnt like to go though it again.

As for me well i will see how painful birth is and if i feel like having another child before making any decisions and try not to do as my mum did which was to fall pregnant accidentally

And dont feel pressured by friends into wanting a child you have to know when you feel ready for one and if that day never comes then it shouldnt matter i know many people who never wanted kids and still dont one is now 43 he said he wanted them in his 20's now after seeing whats happened to the world he would rather not have any at all.

[Batya33]

"I'm curious--how many women on this board were first-time moms in their late 30s/early 40s? Was it easy or difficult to conceive? Are you glad you waited that long before having children? And did your feelings about wanting to be pregnant change from your late 20s/early 30s to your late 30s/early 40s?"

 

I started trying to conceive with my boyfriend (now husband) when I was almost 41, it took a bit over a year (maybe because we were long distance!) but I used no fertility drugs - I did take extra folic acid and noticed that when I turned 40 my periods got very regular (this was after being off the pill for over a year - my periods were only regular when I was on the pill) So I was sort of able to time things(I had an ovulation kit but never used it). I didn't really think it would work without fertility drugs so although I was at times very disappointed that year I wasn't surprised.

I started wanting to have children around age 19-20. At age 32 I asked my gyn about freezing my eggs but at that time the technology was very iffy as to whether freezing eggs would work (it's much better now from what I've heard but very expensive). This whole time I knew I probably wouldn't go the single mother by choice route but at age 37 I decided to give myself one year to think about and gather info on single motherhood (by choice). After about one month of this I re-affirmed that I couldn't do that to a child (bring a child into the world where I intentionally deprived him/her of a father at the starting gate) and decided that if I reached 45 and was still single,I might adopt (because then at least I'd be helping a child who wasalready here and had no parents).

 

I started dating my husband when I turned 39 and he had also always wanted children so it all worked out. I of course don't regret the amazing wonderful miracle and blessing -and loads of fun that is my child -- but given the high level of stress during pregnancy as a "geriatric" pregnant woman and all the additional tests (but no invasive ones -we didn't need an amnio or anything like that) and the waiting and waiting -- as well as a medical condition I had shortly after the birth that was partly due to my older age apparently - I wish I could have been pregnant in my 20s or 30s. Also I am advised not to try again because of the medical condition (it is not post partum or anything psychological -although I was exhausted as a new mom and stressed I was mostly ecstatic,still am) -I knew we probably only had this one shot anyway so that's not a big surprise or disappointment.

 

The positives of waiting so long -emotionally I think I was even more ready, I was with the right person, financially we were in good shape (better than in my 20s, and I get to take care of him full time - a dream come true despite how hard it is), I happen to be in great physical shape -better than in my 20s when I did the excess diet soda/caffeine/out many late nights a bit too often (but no drugs or more than an occasional glass of wine), and I have a feeling I appreciate the miracle even more than had I been younger (not much more but I think more). I am SO glad I didn't do the single mother by choice -so not for me on a practical and moral level.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I have spoken to my mum about it and she said it was different in her 20's she got sick and threw up for 5-6months with me but when she had my sister when she was about 32-33 it was worse then in her 20's she said the sickness was worse and but the only good thing was her tummy didnt hurt as much as it did the first time of course but she did say her tummy got huge with my sister and it did many doctors before her first scan thought she was having twins!

 

Each pregnancy is different. My aunt had her first when she was 24. God, it was an awful experience for her, the whole pregnancy and the giving birth. She had her second at 34, as far as I know she didn't have nearly as much trouble. I know another woman who had all of her pregnancies in her early to mid twenties and she almost died in the third giving birth.

[Batya33]

I should add that my pregancy was free of any complications and other than a nasty digestive issue (not throwing up or bad nausea,though) I felt good and really felt like I looked good- my hair and skin looked great and I was a cute pregnant chick- as my sister said I looked like a stick figure with a "c" for my belly.

[bearskittie]

thnx sparkly eyes

Yea the first time i got pregnant it was a mistake and i only made it to 2months as it made that ill i could not eat or drink anything at all with out it coming up and i was even sick when there was nothing to come up, this time its alot better and i know this might sound mad but i think mens genes play apart in it too.

[newwave]

Until I was 35 I never wanted kids. In fact I even asked my gynecologist about getting a tubal ligation and she warned me against it because I might change my mind. Her reasoning was because I mostly listed financial and didn't want the responsibility. Now though in the last year or two the biological clock is ticking but I'm also open to adopting. Of course currently (I am 39) having a child would be a bad thing because I am in terrible financial trouble (hoping for a job soon) along with romantic trouble (hoping the guy I want comes around but may not). My doctor did say though that many women are having babies naturally into their 40's so that gives me hope. Of course this doesn't mean I can have kids, but no guarantees I could have in my 20's either. Once my financial and romantic situations get resolved I will check on this to see if I can do it. Incidentally, I know people who are pregnant for the first time at 46 so as long as you get regular periods it's still a possibility. In my family there are many cases of late in life babies so this gives me hope too. I would be happy even if I only have one child. If I can't then I'll consider adoption, including children because many non babies need homes.

 

Until a few years ago I would have made a terrible mother. I was selfish and irresponsible. Now I take care of myself and am very responsible. I eat better and workout more.

[sweetpea03]

Every woman's body is different. It all depends on how your body reacts. Some women have no problems at all and easily conceive, while others have many complications and it takes years to conceive. I think it's important to be ready when trying for a baby. I don't think it is something to rush at all. Though statistically, it is more difficult to get pregnant the older you are.

[lostnscared]

I urge you to research a variety of resources about this. Though it is very much possible to have a "natural" and healthy child in your late thirties and early forties. It is also risky. I've had to do to research about this topic when I was in college, and from what I found many doctors advise women that once they turn 35 their fertility decreases. Also while many people act as though it is very common for woman in their late thirties and early forties to conceive naturally it is not as "common" as you think, and more often than not you could easily find yourself having to get an IVF treatment. People don't talk as much about those that have had kids at 40 but relied on treatments to have the children--which are expensive and can be emotional.

 

Of course this will vary depending on the individual. But many doctors do advise woman that if possible not to wait if they can help it. Especially once you get toward your mid thirties. This is not to say that your screwed but statistics aren't in your favor(to be honest) if you choose to have children "older" in life.

There are so many resources out there that are pretty controversial--all of which indicate that if you can "help it" having children earlier(rather than later) is for the best--for your own health, and if you want more than 1 child. My mom got pregnant at 48 but had a miscarriage two weeks ago--it was devestating for her. But the chances of miscarriage increases as you age. Just as the health issues and complications.

On the other hand, there are many woman these days who have children "older" and have no real complications and are happy with their choices. But all in all it's somewhat risky.

I recommend you talking to your gyno about this, and doing research(like I have). It was partly my research, me talking to my gyno, and my own preferences that have made me decide that having kids in my mid to late twenties is the BEST option for ME and that if I could "help it" I would not have children pass a certain age for health risks, complications and so on.

Good luck.

[newwave]

I get it, you think it's risky to have kids past a certain age. Why do you have to keep posting that? It's your opinion and not relevant to what the OP is asking. I am tired of people posting that older women have a harder time. We get it, they often do. Personally I wish more women waited until they were financially secure, especially the welfare mamas who have babies we pay for.

[Batya33]

"People don't talk as much about those that have had kids at 40 but relied on treatments to have the children--which are expensive and can be emotional."

 

In my peer group and social circles -in my larger community - this was an open and general topic of discussion- it was what I was asked many times over when I told people I was pregnant "was it natural" (as I wrote,yes). My sister needed fertility drugs for her first three children - at ages 25,27 and 29. It took my mother years to conceive- she started trying in her early 20s.

 

Yes it is riskier after your mid-30s but not as risky as you describe, based on the stats I saw two years ago when I was pregnant.

 

Very sorry about your mother.

[lostnscared]

I get it, you think it's risky to have kids past a certain age. Why do you have to keep posting that? It's your opinion and not relevant to what the OP is asking. I am tired of people posting that older women have a harder time. We get it, they often do. Personally I wish more women waited until they were financially secure, especially the welfare mamas who have babies we pay for.

 

I posted it to answer the OP's question. It actually isn't my opinion. I can provide numerous articles that support what I have stated. Do you want me to? All you have to do is google online and type in fertility, the best age to conceive, complications in conceiving and so on and you'll find numerous articles and research about this. It is common knowledge and not at all my opinion.

It was not a stab at you at all(or anyone). Just honest feedback.

Yes obviously women need to wait until they are financially secure(that is a given). I'd rather a woman wait until she was prepared rather than just having a baby because she's is afraid she won't be able to have one. But it is good to be informed regardless, and to research this if she does planning on putting this off for another 5-7 years.

[lostnscared]

"People don't talk as much about those that have had kids at 40 but relied on treatments to have the children--which are expensive and can be emotional."

 

In my peer group and social circles -in my larger community - this was an open and general topic of discussion- it was what I was asked many times over when I told people I was pregnant "was it natural" (as I wrote,yes). My sister needed fertility drugs for her first three children - at ages 25,27 and 29. It took my mother years to conceive- she started trying in her early 20s.

 

Yes it is riskier after your mid-30s but not as risky as you describe, based on the stats I saw two years ago when I was pregnant.

 

Very sorry about your mother.

 

It's not that risky in your mid thirties but it is much riskier in your early forties, late thirties, when it comes to conceiving. But by the time you get 35 fertility does decrease.

 

As I said some women do conceive naturally in their forties (my mom did, you did, etc). But the main group of women relying on IVF are those that are older--it's much less likely that someone 35 and younger will need IVF to conceive as it is someone 36 and older.

 

Obviously the OP will have to do what is best for her, but in the mean time I still encourage her to research this.

[newwave]

"People don't talk as much about those that have had kids at 40 but relied on treatments to have the children--which are expensive and can be emotional."

 

In my peer group and social circles -in my larger community - this was an open and general topic of discussion- it was what I was asked many times over when I told people I was pregnant "was it natural" (as I wrote,yes). My sister needed fertility drugs for her first three children - at ages 25,27 and 29. It took my mother years to conceive- she started trying in her early 20s.

 

Yes it is riskier after your mid-30s but not as risky as you describe, based on the stats I saw two years ago when I was pregnant.

 

Very sorry about your mother.

 

You reminded me of a story I just heard. I was talking to my sister in law about natural pregnancies and she was talking about a coworker of hers. Long story short the woman got married for the first (and only) time at 39, and got pregnant right away with twins. When I told my sister in law I was considering children in the next few years she told me she knew many people who had natural babies even into the 40's. My sister in law had trouble getting pregnant starting in her mid 20's and finally had a child at 35. She was considered high risk but not because of her age, but because she had several miscarriages and she had to have the baby sewn into the uterus. She also has a disease (forget which one) and she's large so those are other risk factors.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I think I like batya's advice here the best. Women should have kids when they are ready for it. I don't think single motherhood is a bad thing at all, but it's not suited for everyone. It's interestig what she went through and how it turned out for her.

 

My advice to OP would be to take care of her health and stay in good shape just in case she changes her mind later. I don't know anyone who had their first kid at that age but I know women who had kids/got pregnant in their late thirties, early forties. It seems to me that it was more common in past generations as most of the "grandmas" I know had kids at a later age.

[BellaDonna]

Moderator Note Please stay on topic and refrain from personal arguments. Any further posts of that nature will be removed.

[Lonewing]

Call me third hand experience - my grandmother was practically near her fifties when she had my dad - but he is the youngest of four, spaced unevenly spaced out over nearly 20 years - two earlier, two later. There's a definate difference between my older uncles and my younger uncle and my dad. The younger two are very hippylike, lackidasical, and happy go lucky - my uncle himself is indeed a professional hippy by trade [like the jerry garcia type, huge beard and dreads, campfire smoked and all]. My older two uncles, they are workaholics, bent and driven to making their businesses succeed. I have no idea why this may be, though perhaps it shows their family social setting evolved in time. The lack of secure finances in their earlier lives perhaps made my grandparents instill a little more appreciation for what little they had and how to make it into more, whereas later there was plenty so it was easier for them to entertain a more lavish lifestyle.

 

The only negative impact of having a child late, in my mind, is that the grandchildren do not have the assistance of grandparents as role models in the event the parents turn out to be pretty bad, and the parents don't have that extra parenting assistance. My dad's parents were both gone before I was even born - that's just how it goes, as they would have been in their early 80s around the time of my birth. I was lucky in the respects that my mom's parents are still around, and they have made all the difference. They could always throw us kids off to GPs for a couple weeks in the summer when they wanted a break. If you're older, though, and the Gps are deceased or too old to be of much more assistance, I suppose this is the purpose of having God Parents in the picture.

 

Any place where my parents have been short, they made up the slack and inspired me to do things like finish my two college degrees, something neither parent ever accomplished [but they pushed us towards this as well]. In fact, three of my brothers and sisters are also finishing or finished their college, the fifth is in community college [disabled], and the last two, my mom's second marriage kids, well, they are still too young for us to know how far they will go. But the point of the matter is, my mom and dad were COMPLETELY unready to be having children when they started, nearly no money to speak of, but they went and made five kids who have amounted to more than anything else they could have invested their time into.

 

If you are having doubts or hunches now that you might want children later on in life, I think it would be of good conscience to keep this little inkling in the back of your mind as you progress - particularly when it comes to picking the father. Money, parenting skills - these things come and go. The father, though, that's kind of permanent. There is one good thing to consider: it will no longer be too detrimental if you find that amazing incredible guy who is everything to you, but he wants kids.

[Batya33]

It's not that risky in your mid thirties but it is much riskier in your early forties, late thirties, when it comes to conceiving. But by the time you get 35 fertility does decrease.

 

As I said some women do conceive naturally in their forties (my mom did, you did, etc). But the main group of women relying on IVF are those that are older--it's much less likely that someone 35 and younger will need IVF to conceive as it is someone 36 and older.

 

Obviously the OP will have to do what is best for her, but in the mean time I still encourage her to research this.

 

Fertility I believe starts to decrease in your 20s or earlier-so "decrease" is all relative. And yes it is riskier -and it's also very risky to get pregnant in your teens, for other reasons. It's also very risky to get pregnant in your 20s if you can't afford good medical care because of where you are in life, or if you are a typical 20 something who drinks a lot/takes drugs and doesn't know she is pregnant right away (believe me, the glass of wine I consumed when I didn't know yet worried me and that was just one glass- half at a time over a 5 day period). All these risks need to be balanced. I always advise (only when asked!) women to start trying sooner rather than later-I would have done so if the situation had been right. But I also hate to sound draconian alarm bells just because a woman is 35, or 38, or 40 and single. One of my single friends, between ages 37 and 40 met her husband, married, and had two kids (not twins) -no IVF or other "help". Sure it is fast track but slow track has its risks too- we both know couples who lived together for years and then divorced shortly after marrying.

[sweetpea03]

There is a difference in the amount of risks involved depending on age. Most health care professionals will say it is best to have children before the age of 30. You can have children past that, but the risks begin to increase with passing years. Every woman's body is different in how they will react to pregnancy, so it's really on a case by case basis. If she keeps up with gyno visits and is "cleared" to have children(safe for her to do so), then she can go for it. There are always going to be examples of exceptions to the norm, but overall it's better to have children younger.

[newwave]

There is a difference in the amount of risks involved depending on age. Most health care professionals will say it is best to have children before the age of 30. You can have children past that, but the risks begin to increase with passing years. Every woman's body is different in how they will react to pregnancy, so it's really on a case by case basis. If she keeps up with gyno visits and is "cleared" to have children(safe for her to do so), then she can go for it. There are always going to be examples of exceptions to the norm, but overall it's better to have children younger.

 

I think it's important to check with the doctor first. I know my doctor mentioned that there are several pre tests you can take to see if it's ok. My biggest fear about this is that I'll find out after I get pregnant that I am high risk so I'd rather check beforehand. You're right it does vary with each woman. I've known women in their 20's who are infertile and women in their 50's who get pregnant. These are extremes though.

[Circe]

From what I heard, fertility starts to decrease when you hit 30 (for Most but not All women - there's a lot of variability in this) very slowly.. then when you hit 35 (again, this is just a probable outcome not a certain one - lots of variability involved) it pretty much falls of a cliff - thats how much it plummets..

[Batya33]

There is a difference in the amount of risks involved depending on age. Most health care professionals will say it is best to have children before the age of 30. You can have children past that, but the risks begin to increase with passing years. Every woman's body is different in how they will react to pregnancy, so it's really on a case by case basis. If she keeps up with gyno visits and is "cleared" to have children(safe for her to do so), then she can go for it. There are always going to be examples of exceptions to the norm, but overall it's better to have children younger.

 

Luckily my gyn was up on the latest studies and would never have said "it's best before 30" because of the science on fertility during a woman's 30s. There is a drop off after 35-37-ish but many of my friends had healthy babies naturally after age 35.