lostgirlaus Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Ok let me start of by saying if you've read my older threads you know I have reason to be jealous and worried about my boyfriend talking to other girls. A couple of months ago he got really close and I mean REALLY close to a female co-worker he had only known for 2 weeks. It got to the point where he wouldn't talk to because he was busy talking to her, would go see her and they'd flirt etc. Just thinking about this stuff makes me want to cry. We broke up because he thought he didn't love me anymore. 6 weeks later he came back. We've now been back together for about 7 weeks. Lately I've been finding myself jealous of every female he talks to. The other day he changed his msn dp to a picture of him and a female. I couldn't handle it, and a small question became an escalated fight. Although part of that reason was that he has never had a picture of us on his msn dp so that kind of hit home. I find myself constantly checking his facebook page and when I see a new female friend I immediately check out her profile and get jealous. I obviously don't mention that to him but I know it's not normal behaviour. I don't want jealousy to tear us apart, I love him too much to lose him once more. It's just that I trusted him once and he broke that trust, it's so hard to trust him whole heartedly again... I tell myself that I do but I find myself thinking of the most outrageous things like when he goes out on Friday nights for drinks and calls me on his way home, he is drunk. He doesn't remember what he said to me on the phone and I find myself thinking how does he know he didn't do something that he regrets? He often takes awhile to reply on msn and I start thinking who else he may be talking to. This is driving me nuts and I just want it to end. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Well he wasn't trust worthy so of course you'd be apprehensive about trusting him. I'd talk go him about it. He left you for someone else. If he's not willing to work through this with you, then maybe he's not worth it. Link to comment
lostgirlaus Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 Well he didn't actually leave me for her but we broke up due to a couple of reasons one being her. They never actually dated once we broke up. I'm not sure how to bring it up with him because he gets upset over things easily.. I might bring it up on the weekend though quietly Link to comment
cm17 Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 As a jealous person I can say nothing positive ever comes from the feeling. Sounds like you may have justification behind some of your fears but the deeper issue is trust, if you don't trust him then of course your jealousy will show its head. Since he is aware you are sensitive about this it would probably be a good idea to start a very civil conversation with him outlining your boundaries and fear and try to address them calmly one by one. I've had these conversations in the past when trying to control my feelings of jealousy and they really helped. At the heart of any jealous is a feeling of insecurity, which needs to be dealt with. My therapist suggested a good start would be to have a mantra along with deep breathing to calm down when there is a trigger. I hope things get better! Link to comment
lostgirlaus Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 As a jealous person I can say nothing positive ever comes from the feeling. Sounds like you may have justification behind some of your fears but the deeper issue is trust, if you don't trust him then of course your jealousy will show its head. Since he is aware you are sensitive about this it would probably be a good idea to start a very civil conversation with him outlining your boundaries and fear and try to address them calmly one by one. I've had these conversations in the past when trying to control my feelings of jealousy and they really helped. At the heart of any jealous is a feeling of insecurity, which needs to be dealt with. My therapist suggested a good start would be to have a mantra along with deep breathing to calm down when there is a trigger. I hope things get better! Thanks for that it really helped He gets angry pretty easily and jumps to conclusions, I'm thinking I'll sit him down on the weekend and tell him to control his emotions and just hear me out. I'm not too sure on boundaries though, because with our last fight he accused me of "controlling" him which I have no intention of doing. I think I'll just need to spill what my inner most fears are because we never really talked about them once we got back together. Thanks once again Link to comment
Nerdyjock Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Your trust is your psychological defense system kicking in. I haven't read your past posts, but if you have a legitimate justification in feeling jealous, your mind is protecting itself by trying to fix the situation. Now, you can either continue to invest your time and energy into a guy who is not meeting your standards of a good boyfriend, or you can cut your losses and leave. I don't pretend that the latter option is easy, because it certainly isn't. In my opinion though, you are enabling his actions by staying with him; he is getting the message that he can do those things and you will stick around regardless of what happens. Just my thoughts Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Honestly, I do think that your feelings are justified. Since getting back with him, has he told you that he would do whatever means necessary to gain back your trust? You are entitled to how you feel, especially if he was giving you reasons to doubt him. I don't understand how he can go about telling you that you are controlling, and argue with you when you want assurance. He may not have physically cheated on you, but I would definitely consider it emotional cheating on his part. Let's face it, she was a major part of the reason why he felt he didn't 'love' you anymore. If that was me, I would be jealous too. I think the main issue at hand, is the lack of trust. He has to prove to you that he is trustworthy, and try to ease your mind. If you were jealous, for no apparent reason, then that's different. However, your feelings are justified by his behavior. I strongly suggest that you have a long talk with him, and let him know how you truly feel. If he doesn't want to listen, or is not willing to put effort into changing his behavior, then I think you should then re-evaluate your relationship with him. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 You get to decide if you're willing to delay your own opportunity to move forward, heal and eventually find the kind of relationship that won't keep you looking over your shoulder for the next disloyalty. If you want to position yourself in a relationship with someone you can't trust, then this is exactly how that feels. While it's not 'wrong' to teach yourself whatever you need to learn through this experience, I'd question how bad it needs to get and for how long before it's not worth whatever payoff you believe you're getting out of it. Link to comment
spandora Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Being with someone whom you cannot trust is horrible. Trust me. Your jealousy and lack of trust will make you look like a psycho at times. It's not worth it, not unless he can go get therapy with you or get some outside help to work on it. The problem is, he's lied to you. So now everything he says will be suspect. You will feel like you always have to check up on him to make sure he isn't doing it again. Then you become a "snooper." it's really ugly. You get to decide if you're willing to delay your own opportunity to move forward, heal and eventually find the kind of relationship that won't keep you looking over your shoulder for the next disloyalty. If you want to position yourself in a relationship with someone you can't trust, then this is exactly how that feels. While it's not 'wrong' to teach yourself whatever you need to learn through this experience, I'd question how bad it needs to get and for how long before it's not worth whatever payoff you believe you're getting out of it. Link to comment
lostgirlaus Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 Thanks guys, I decided we needed to talk but it never happened. We had a fight before I could even bring this up and the fight was over the fact that I "always want to talk". Link to comment
gstan132 Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 I need everybody's help on this page my ex girlfriend whom recently broke up with me gets jealous of me and other girls but she told that she doesn't fool with no dudes on this campus what do I do with her? I still love her entirely what do I do? and I feel she loves me to I txt her and told her I am going to move on with my feelings with another girl Link to comment
gstan132 Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 how do you guys think she feels? because I told her I didn't want to have anything else to do with her I'm so confused right now Link to comment
cazmoore Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 Your partner should bring out the best in you. This guy you're with sounds manipultive and the things he's doing sounds deliberate. He's selfish, inconsiderate and childish. I'm SURE there's tons of nice things about him but COME ON. This is pretty bad. Flirting with other girls? Yeah. Cya. What makes him so special? Link to comment
gstan132 Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 who are you talking to? wow if it's me then you may be right Link to comment
gstan132 Posted November 6, 2010 Share Posted November 6, 2010 lostgirlaus what do I do? in this situation Link to comment
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