How do I get past wanting him back?

[ImGrowing]

if after all that you still want him, something is wrong with you.

 

i also would not classify such a person as "extremely intelligent". Such a person would know that the things he does, and the way he treated u were wrong.

 

you know u can do better, and you know you should move on. why you refuse to move on is beyond me. perhaps afraid u wont find someone else? whatever reason, no reason is enough to justify liking, or caring for such an individual

 

I know this was a very blunt advice, but I totally agree. I don't think it's compared in the same perspective as your ex's view of you "flaws." Coming from a female who was abused in a 3 year relationship, I admit that there was something wrong with me at the time, at least my reasoning. Once you admit, that your view is not "right," then you should start asking yourself why did you let it happen and/or why do you still want him? Obviously, if there wasn't anything wrong with you or your choices, you'd leave him in a heard beat and wouldn't look back! At this point, you need to reflect on the person you are and ask why you do the things you do. In the end, you are responsible for your actions. You're going to have to admit this, so you can fix it, and don't repeat your actions.

[Oneironaut]

Oh, I agree in the strictest of senses...however, when it comes to issues that are emotionally sensitive, delivery is a large part of the equation. His delivery was...antagonistic, at best. As I said before, one doesn't go onto a Depression forum and tell everyone there to get being such pessimistic losers and get over it. Unfortunately, the rest of his message was lost by his "first impression"...something that I hope he considers in the future.

[chick08]

I also know how your feeling. I had been in an abusive relationship on/off for 5 years it was also long distance. My guy didnt have bpd but had severe paranoia we would get on great, we were so loved up when we saw each other and we would plan things and he would always make the time to be with me but then he would just change, start getting paranoid. He would lock me in his room and shine a lamp in my face asking me questions, start on me in the middle of the street in front of my children threatening to beat the out of me here i had to run from him. He would just cause arguments with me for no reason, would stalk me, this year i finished with him because we were arguing and he threatend to murder me i had to move into a hostal for fear but even tho hes done all that i still love him and want to be with him. He still calls and texts everyday saying nice things that he loves me and wants me back that we are ment to be together and how beutiful i am, he really makes me feel good about myself.

 

ive wrote down the pros and cons of being with him and there has been more bad than good but i guess im still addicted to him too and cant imagion life without him in it. Its ok for people to say get rid but it is really hard when you are in this situation and you love them and they wont leave you alone they keep coming back and not letting you move on and apart of you is hoping that they will get in touch and you know its wrong but you just cant help it. I hope that one day i will be strong enough to get rid of him for good i really dont want to go through that again. I thought i was the only one that felt like this but its good to know that you can talk about things on here and people know how you feel it helps but at the end of the day its up to us to be strong and stop allowing ourselfs to be treated this way.

[Oneironaut]

chick, I know exactly what you mean about when they won't leave you alone and keep coming back, preventing you from moving on. My ex has started contacting me every day again, and he's being awesome, like he was when we first met: Sweet, funny, caring, and light-hearted. I have to keep reminding myself that it could change any day, as it has done so many times in the past. I know I should cut him out entirely, as emmaj recommends strongly, but so far, I haven't been able to muster up the willpower to do that. Not sure why we stay in these situations, it's something I'm actively trying to learn, which is why I appreciate the links people send. Everything I read teaches me something new about myself, and this situation.

 

Thank you for your reply, I hope you keep posting, it really does help. Be safe. *Hugs*

[chick08]

I met up with my ex last weekend. It was the first time in year since the split and we got on great it was just like old times we were so loved up he was telling me he still loved me and that he has changed and now knows whats important and it was so nice to hear but when i left him the next day i felt so miserable because i wanted to be with him again but with everything that has happened i cant because im scared that after a while it will all start again. I had been with him 5 years and i was always spliting with him either from fear or there was another woman in the scene and i just couldnt cope. It hasnt worked all that time why would it now??? I think to myself ill never find anyone that i feel like that for again or a man that is so loving to me the way he was. We dont deserve to be put through this by any man i wish i didnt care so much then i could just lock him off.

[Oneironaut]

I don't know the dynamics of your situation, so I can only ask this: What does your heart tell you, and what does your gut tell you?

[pokefan]

I was in an abusive relationship about a year ago. Although it was not as severe as your situation mine still was confusing because the guy was very manipulative and was sometimes what seemed very caring but then terrible.

 

I got out of that dynamic by COMPLETELY IGNORING HIM. It was hard to do because I felt guilty and responsible for his actions but I just knew inside I had to stop talking to him. I was sobbing, crying, and fighting with him, feeling like more than having a good time with him.

 

Abusers have NO POWER if you don't give them attention. He would call me and harass me. He would walk right up to me in person and tried to talk to me and no matter how uncivil it might have been I ignored him. I changed my number so he would stop calling me. After a few months he stopped contacting me. Sometimes I see his face in town but I still ignore him.

 

Even if he sent "nice" messages I still ignored him. Never trust abusers to be sincere. Trust your gut. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE! Get a restraining order if he is stalking you or won't get away. It's about YOUR SAFETY. Abusers will not stop their hurtful ways, they feed into your vulnerability and will tear you down completely if you don't GET THE away from them.

 

So hard to do but you MUST WANT TO BE TREATED WELL to actually even consider leaving an abuser for good. It's really up to you. People can give you all the advice in the world, but you MUST WANT TO BE BETTER FOR YOURSELF.

[chick08]

My heart is telling me to go back to him and give him yet another chance but my mind is saying dont do it. There has been violence hes threatend me and i had to go in a hostal because of that. He has upset me so many times i dont want to go through another 5 years of it. Plus i would lose family and friends because of it.

[pokefan]

How do I delete my posts with inappropiate language?! Please help!!!

[chick08]

ive tried that myself lol i cant do it. Did u get a warning lol

[Oneironaut]

Very well said. I hope to be at this point very soon...I've deleted him off most of my friends' lists, and I'm getting to the point where I don't look forward to hearing from him, I actually dread it. If I can maintain this, I will almost certainly be able to ignore him entirely very, very soon.

 

The worst thing is that I'm only just starting to get over the guilt he spent months inflicting upon me, making me feel that my behavior alone was responsible for the BU. It's been almost 3 months now, and I've spent that entire time berating myself, thinking, "If I had just not done this, or if I had done that, we'd still be together!" Of course, this is nonsense, something I'm having a hard time accepting, but, it's finally starting to get through.

 

I recently did some research...he told me he was diagnosed as bipolar, but I don't think that's entirely correct. His symptoms are far more closely related to borderline personality disorder. Bipolars have much slower mood cycles...his are very fast, sometimes going from depressed to something like manic within hours or days. And something interesting I read about borderlines is that they are almost literally incapable of having a long-term relationship.

 

Basically, they often form intense, immediate attachments, which is exactly what happened with us. They idolize the person, putting them on a pedestal. But the moment the other person disappoints them in any way, they can quickly fall out of love and even develop a near-hatred of the person they were in love with. The word I kept reading was that they "devalue" the other person...this is spot-on. He went from telling me I was the most amazing woman in the world, and the best thing to ever happen to him, to calling me a worthless c-word, an effing retard, and a stupid ***** within a matter of a few months. I don't even know what I did to bring it on, but I could definitely tell the difference...I should have left then, but instead, I just tried harder to please him. It was a losing battle.

 

Borderlines generally have severe abandonment issues, are impulsive, extremely emotionally unstable, experience frequent periods of inappropriate anger, and tend to be very paranoid. They also tend to be extremely negative about people in general, very pessimistic, engage in excessive spending, unsafe sex, and binge eating. They may go from being a needy victim to be overly controlling fairly quickly. They make grandiose plans and never follow them through. They have difficulty holding down jobs.

 

As I was reading all this, I knew I was reading a nearly perfect description of him.

 

And that's when I began to realize, it wasn't me. I gave him my everything...I was loyal, committed, loving, forgiving, and nurturing. Yes, I got overly clingy and needy towards the end, but that's because I truly believed he was the love of my life (as he'd spent the last year and a half telling me, even going so far as to state that our futures were "written in stone", that no matter what, he would ALWAYS come back to me), and I could feel him slipping away. In hindsight, yes, I should have just backed away, but I didn't, and it is what it is.

 

I'm tired of blaming myself, and for the first time, I'm starting to feel more disgust and pity for him than love.

 

Several days ago, he started texting me, wanting me to "cyber" with him. He did that three times in the next 2 days. I haven't heard from him since, which has left me feeling horribly foolish and used.

 

In any case, the first step I'm taking is to quit accepting the blame, and start accepting that it is HIM, not me. In fact, the more I read on borderline personality disorder, the more I realize that he will almost certainly never have a lifelong, loving relationship...he isn't capable of it. He will go from woman to woman, falling madly in love at first, then hating them eventually. I should have seen that by the way he talked about his exes, but of course, I was too enamored of him to see how suspicious that was.

 

I, on the other hand, will heal from this, and eventually find a healthy, good relationship with someone who is capable of loving me exactly for who I am, rather than constantly trying to change me and then blaming me for not changing according to his schedule.

 

I feel sorry for him now.

[pokefan]

yeah I got two warnings! sorry to change the subject, I just am new here and really wanted to delete those posts but don't know how!!! grrrr

[chick08]

i dont think u can. ive just had a warning too u dont use anymore naughty words lol

[Oneironaut]

Don't worry about the warnings, just don't do it again. I've had a warning, too. It happens. 8)

[siempremi]

@ Oneironaut - I identified with a lot of what you've written on here. Enough to register so I could comment lol! I know exactly what you mean about having moments where you want them back. Some of it is feeling lonely but guys like them are eerily good at melting your heart when they want to. Your description of a borderline personality disorder described my ex very well.

 

It is hard to stay away once you've walked away. As you said they are the ultimate boyfriend when they choose to be. I have a couple of "talismans" to help me ward off those yearnings. In my car I have my bracelet from the hospital hanging from my rearview mirror - that was the visit from the last time he hit me. In my house, featured on my dresser is the earring that broke in my ear when he hit me. I look at those items and know that no matter what, I can't go back.

[SpottiOtti]

OP: Reading through all of your posts from the beginning of this thread, I just knew that you had the solution to this inside you all along, and that you would find the strength to get through it and come out on the other side. I am glad to hear that you have found the perspective that allows you to do that: viewing him as pity-worthy and disgusting.

 

With regards to the "something wrong with you" angle: I noticed a couple of "clues" in some posts that may help you figure out what it is about you that caused you to stay in this situation.

 

He hasn't contacted me in almost 6 days now, and I have to admit, they have been the most drama-free 6 days I've experienced in a while, lol...and yet, I still miss the rotten jerk on some level.

 

It is telling to me that you noted the lack of drama on the days that you did not hear from him, then said in the next breath that you missed him. I think in these types of "addictive" relationships (and yes, I've had one), what we really get "addicted" to is the emotional and psychological highs and lows. When there are no emotional highs, life seems boring. A therapist once told me that in order to be really happy in a relationship, I should stop "chasing emotional highs".

 

...I should have left then, but instead, I just tried harder to please him.

 

This statement tells me that for some reason, you responded to egregious breaches of respect not with indignation and anger, as some would, but with blame acceptance. What experiences have you had in your life that taught you to do this? Maybe worth examining.

 

A last thought: does this man remind you of a significant person from early in your life? If so, why? And what are the similarities between your dynamics with both people?

 

Good luck, and stay strong.

[Oneironaut]

Hi there, and thank you so much for replying.

 

You're absolutely right...some of it IS feeling lonely, but some of it is the fact that he learned my weaknesses, and he knows exactly how to tug my heartstrings. He knows JUST what to say to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...and the fact that he uses that against me is all the more reason to dislike him.

 

I am SO sorry to hear about how your ex hurt you...but your post is a wake-up call, as well. We came very close to him moving in with me...and I have sometimes wondered if I literally dodged a bullet, cliche' aside. He used to tell me that the day WOULD come that he would punch me, but I used to laugh it off...easy to do when one is long-distance. But as the months wore on, and his threats became more violent, I started realizing that he was quite serious...especially when he started promising me that he would "never hit me in anger."

 

Something about being promised that at all is frightening, you know...?

[Oneironaut]

You are absolutely correct...I WAS addicted to the highs, and still am, on some level. And yeah...to be honest, life seems boring as hell without him in it...no one has ever defined it like that before, not even myself. And so help me, I still miss the highs and lows. 8(

 

 

 

Heh...yeah, my dad was a bully. My sister and I received very harsh punishment for ANY breach of the rules. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but...there it is. My dad was an absolute perfectionist, and so was my ex. Blame was never taken upon them for having overly exacting standards...it was placed on me/us for not meeting those standards.

 

And your post got me to looking back over my own...and I read this:

 

 

 

Heh...even when I was writing a post about learning not to accept the blame, I was still accepting the blame.

 

I still have a lot to think about, and figure out in my head...but honestly, I believe that at last, I am on the right path, and that's what counts. Thank you, to everyone. 8)

[chick08]

I have a list of all the bad things mine has put me through over the last 5 years and i have put it on my fridge and everytime i get that feeling that it might have been me in the wrong i go and look at it and it makes me feel better. I havent spoke to him for a couple of days now and he hasnt called me either. We had an argument on sunday because he wanted me to meet up with him sat but i decided not to when i thoyght of why we split last year and he got the hump about it and wouldnt speak to me all day, he told me i had been fake all this time to him when i have been talking to him and when i say somethings to him about the past he sees the evil in me. He thinks i have ill feeling for him and asked me if i believe in Karma he really upset me that night. Hes so wrong about me and when i tell him that he wont believe it so now he aint speaking. In a way im glad because that way i dont feel sad and depressed and can just get on with things.

[siempremi]

but honestly, I believe that at last, I am on the right path, and that's what counts.

 

Awesome! Once you learn to recognize why you're feeling the way you do about it and understand more about how you handle and react to things you'll be better able to recognize those things for what they are. I find being able to look at my reactions from a more logical standpoint helps me deal with and get past it.

 

For example, at first I felt ashamed that I fell for my ex's "good guy" act. I felt like a real fool. Then I realized that it would not have mattered if I had dated him for a year or for five years - he would have been a "good guy" until he thought he had me trapped. There are quite a few people who have known him for many years and have absolutely no clue what he's like behind closed doors. I didn't either until I got pregnant and he thought he had me trapped.

[nhim]

I want to get past wanting him back too. I dont know how, my heart kept telling me one thing while my mind tells me another. I want to get rid of this sick feelings i have. I dont want to miss him anymore still it got into me. He is extremely sweet, care and pay attention to me in every details. I love that happy feelings i have when i am around him but every day is just no tomorrow cuz the more i want the happiness to last, the unpredictable sadness, madness would come, fighting and breaking up. I am really tired of it. I know he has been tired of it too, but we dont have courage to let it go. It kept coming back to hunt us. I am deeply sinking and wanna get out. Please help me hang on.. i kept thinking i am nothing without him. He made my life heaven and eventually turn it up side down. Why he has such a power ? I dont want to depend on it. I really need support and courage to get over.

[leda]

Oneironaut, I see you started this thread in October but I'm glad somebody posted again recently and that I saw it. It's awful that you had to go through that and I understand as I recently went though losing a relationship to someone who, in the end, physically attacked me. I know I can never go back to him but I'm still not over him. He hasn't contacted me in a month, since the incident. Your abuser seems different from mine in that regard...he hides under the mask of a hero. Nobody ever suspected that behaviour from him. Maybe your guy was charming and unsuspecting as well but mine it seems he does not "need" me like yours needed you.

 

I wanted to ask you, if you don't mind my nosiness, what ever happened with this situation? Did you end up completely ignoring him, blocking him from your life on the internet side of things, and are you finally over wanting him back? I hope you are in a safe place now, away from him, and in a better place emotionally.

[Oneironaut]

Hello. leda, thanks for the heads' up, I didn't realize anyone had posted on this thread today, as I hadn't checked back in a while.

 

My update is that throughout the months of November and December, I foolishly stayed aboard the roller-coaster, still hoping that his feelings for me would come back, and that maybe, the charming, loving guy I'd fallen for would return. He didn't. His contact became fewer and further between, until I wasn't hearing from him on AIM anymore at all, only in the online game we play together, Starcraft 2.

 

Then, one day in early December, we were playing together in the game and he asked to talk on Skype. We went on to have a fantastic, 8 hour conversation...well, fantastic for the first 6 or 7 hours. The last hour or two, he began getting verbally abusive again, telling me things like I was just a * * * * * , he could only handle me in small doses, that his "pets" were all much better to him than I ever was, and that I was still the most annoying person he'd ever known. Why I sat there and put up with it is something I need to understand, but still don't. I am actually rather embarrassed to even be sitting here admitting this, but, it's true.

 

So for a few more weeks things went about the same, we had pretty much become "game buddies", and days would go by that I wouldn't hear from him at all. Then around New Year's, we were playing together in the game, and he began to get affectionate with me, saying sweet things, cyber-snuggling, and what-not. I don't know what came over me, but I began to tell him that it was obvious he still had feelings for me. At first he didn't say much, just did a smiley emote, but as I pushed it, he became angry, and then outright enraged. He told me that he'd been miserable our ENTIRE 1.5 year relationship, that he cared more about people he'd met 2 weeks than me, whom he'd known for 2 years, and that he'd only been using me to cyber with when his "pets" weren't available. Then he told me to get lost, and blocked me.

 

Some part of me was devastated, but not entirely. Honestly, most of what he said is utter nonsense, because as I mentioned in another thread, I have countless screenies of him smiling, laughing, and making goofy faces at me from our relationship...hardly the behavior of someone who is miserable. But, he's bipolar, and their emotions run wild...when he gets a negative idea into his head, it snowballs.

 

So, about a week and a half later, after hearing nothing from him, I wrote him in the game out of some morbid curiosity, to see if he still had me blacklisted. For whatever reason, he had unblacklisted me, but told me to take him off ALL my friends' lists, and to move on, because he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him I would do so, but that I knew he still had feelings for me and it was sad that he wouldn't recognize that. He simply said, "You had one last chance, and you blew it. Get over me, it's done." In my usual pathetic way, I said I still wanted to be game friends, but he never answered.

 

So I sat and stewed for a few hours, and then, blew a gasket, lol...after over a year of verbal and emotional cruelty, I'd had enough, and I wrote him the following message on AIM:

 

"You know what, * * * * that. If we're truly going to end, I might as well tell you the TRUTH: You SUCK as a boyfriend, and as a human being. You don't adore women, you * * * * ing despise them. You set them up to fail, because YOU are such a failure, you need to bring them down to your level.

 

As for this latest crap, my 'last' chance, you knew goddamn well I still had feelings for you, and you did things you KNEW would * * * * with my head...calling me sexy, cyber-snuggling...you KNEW what that behavior would do to me, and then, when it WORKED, you played the 'outraged' ex-boyfriend and got your panties in a wad. Why? Because you are an emotional * * * * ing sadist, you have such a miserable life that you get OFF on making other people as miserable as you are.

 

Well, guess what, mother-* * * * er? Your prediction of oh-so long ago was wrong: YOU DIDN'T BREAK ME. But, you WERE right a long time ago when you said you didn't deserve me. You don't, because I finally see you now for what you REALLY are: A toxic, lying, bipolar, narcissistic, * * * * * * * , -cowardly- FREAK who is so afraid of the real world that you are huddling in your LITTLE BROTHER'S basement, making a career out of playing video games, being a pathetic online sexual predator, treating women like * * * * all because your mommy didn't give you enough attention as a kid, and whacking off your needle * * * * while acting like some big, important man when in reality, you are a sad LITTLE man who will NEVER amount to anything. EPIC * * * * ING FAIL, LOSER. Take care. "

 

I was SO proud of myself for writing that, and getting out some of the poison he'd been dumping on me for so long...everyone in my life was proud of me. I then blocked and blacklisted him everywhere, because I truly did not want to know what I sort of ugliness he would respond with.

 

So, fast forward about 1 week, and my anger has dissipated, so I end up unblocked him. Not sure why, maybe I'm just an emotional masochist. Anyhow, I'm playing Starcraft 2 one night, minding my own business, when suddenly I get a party invite from him.

 

I was so stunned, I simply sat there and stared at it for a while, then as I moused over to click on the message, he logged out of the game entirely.

 

The hilariously hypocritical part is, you cannot "accidentally" invite someone in that game...they HAVE to be on your Friends list to invite them at all. So, after telling ME to take him off MY Friends list, it was obvious I was still on his.

 

The unfortunate thing is that it told me he had not read my Rage Message...he most likely simply deleted it without reading it at all. In a way, that was disappointing, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit part of me was somehow relieved...I'm not a mean person, and I said some damn personal, mean things in that message, things that I knew would hurt him because they were sensitive spots. I guess part of me is glad that I didn't hurt him, no matter how much he has hurt me.

 

Anyhow, still no clue why he sent me that invite...some friends think it was an ego trip, some think he was just messing with my head. I would like to think part of him was reaching out to me because he misses me, but that's the idealism talking. Realistically, he was bored, none of his "pets" were available, and he thought maybe he could talk me into cybering. But he is an impatient person, and when I didn't answer immediately, he simply logged out and hasn't tried again.

 

Since then, we've been in the game at the same time a lot, but I've not heard a word. And best of all? I have no made NO contact with him in 9 days now. And I have no urge to. I'm not ready to block him again, but I will not be writing him.

 

I still think about him pretty much all day, but I have also been finding HUGE chunks of time where he didn't cross my mind at all. The other morning, I got up and started getting ready for work, and at some point, realized I hadn't thought of him at all until just then. That was a breakthrough, for me. I also find myself fantasizing about our reconciliation MUCH less than ever before! Now, if I fantasize about him at all, I picture conversations where he tells me how sorry he is, blah blah blah, and I tell him too bad, that he couldn't PAY me enough to come back.

 

All that being said, I am sad that it's Valentine's Day, and I have no one while that miserable piece of human garbage has multiple "Valentines" in the form of his online pets, a.k.a., "cyber * * * * * * ". To me, that feels like such a massive injustice that it almost defies imagination. However...I also know he's still a very unhappy, angry person, just as I have come to realize he is incapable of having a healthy, long-term relationship. He will bounce from woman to woman for the rest of his life, while I will find a good, healthy, loving relationship in time, and that man will get my "everything". I look forward to that day.

 

Am I over wanting him back entirely? Sadly, no. If the man I fell in love with returned, I would go back to him in a heartbeat. But I am also coming to accept that most likely, he is gone forever, replaced by this angry, controlling, abusive online sexual predator with bizarre, dark fetishes that I want nothing to do with. I don't love the man he IS, I love the man he WAS...and I am finally realizing that it's time to mourn and move on, because that man appears to be quite dead.

 

nhim, there is really nothing I can say that will help you...we all have to find our own path getting there. Relationships can be addictions, and I have little experience in getting over an addiction, as my story indicates. Last week it was 6 months since we broke up, and I am only just now reaching the point of starting to move on. Some people will be able to do it faster, some slower. We all move at our own speeds...all I can really recommend is that you continue perusing this site, and it's various sub-forums. I have no doubt that without this board, and the fantastic people I have met here (some of whom I have become good friends with), my healing would have been a LOT slower.

 

Thank you to everyone again for taking the time to read this.

[SpottiOtti]

Thanks for the update! It sounds like this situation is winding down, finally. You know you're headed in the right direction, and I'm glad you are. The man you fell in love with is the same man you now know - think about that. All those things you now know about him were there all along, he was just really good at hiding them. And, cyber "pets"???? Really???? No offense to anyone who cybers a lot with different people, but that phrase really made me laugh. It's such a narcissistic, condescending phrase.

 

I hope he got that email. I almost jumped up and down when I read it. Good on ya, girlie! Way to tell him. Stay strong!!!

[Camilee2003]

This is so insane, lol...I cannot understand why I still want him back.

 

We had a long-distance relationship for a year and a half...as seems to happen in these situations a lot, we started out incredibly intense. We met online, and the chemistry was instant. Within a week, we were writing passionate emails to each other, him declaring that we were twin souls, we were meant to be, that he'd never felt anything like this before...although, to give him credit, I don't think he actually ever had. He's only 28, and had had very few relationships, having been single for 6 years before hooking up with me.

 

Then little things started happening...I wrote him an email one day, can't even remember what I said, but his reply was vicious, and he told me to go to hell...later he wrote and apologized, saying he'd just awakened and had misunderstood me.

 

Then, three weeks after we became an "official" online couple, I made a joke on the phone one night and he flew into a rage. Broke up with me in an incredibly malicious manner, saying cruel and hurtful things. I was devastated. And after telling me for 2 months at that point how irreplaceable I was, he has replaced me within a few weeks. And within 2 weeks of hooking up with his rebound, was back telling me he loved me again.

 

Fast forward 4 months...she dumps him, we hook up again. Everything was awesome at first...then the minor rages started again. A little bit of name-calling here and there..."worthless c-word" was the first one. He would laugh them off, saying he was just joking, but I could tell he wasn't.

 

Other bizarre things began to happen...he told me he had a demon living inside of him, and one night, that supposed "demon" came out...started talking about women in the most incredibly degrading way, and saying they should all die. This "demon" said if he and I ever met, it would make him kill me...why I stayed at this point is truly beyond me, but, I did.

 

Fast forward 2 months...I spend $1500 to go meet him. He contributed nothing...he was unemployed, as he is most of the year. That being said, though, our time together was incredible. The sex was passionate, the snuggling was awesome...he looked me in the eye and swore we were meant to be as he asked me to marry him. I honestly thought I had found the love of my life, and that despite all the "craziness", we would be happy together.

 

For 2 months after my return, everything was darn near perfect. No fights, we got along great. Then, in December, things started going bad again.

 

The name-calling picked up in intensity, and I couldn't do anything right. Everything that went wrong in the relationship was my fault...nothing was every his fault, and IF he admitted to a mistake, he immediately took the position that he was a worthless piece of garbage and couldn't do anything right. If I ever tried to talk about our relationship, he became defensive and accused me of nagging him. I found myself carefully weighing each word, and being very careful about what I said, lest it anger him. If I did stand up for myself, I was hung up on and given the silent treatment for days.

 

But between all of this, he was incredibly sweet and loving. He made me feel beautiful and special...told me repeatedly that no matter how angry he got, no matter how many times he left, he would always come back, that we were bound together forever, that he needed no one but me.

 

Somehow, though, things really started deteriorating, and I felt as if all of it was my fault, probably because I was told so on a regular basis. The name-calling got worse, until I was afraid to even talk to him on the phone anymore. He started spending less time with me online, and started disappearing more and more often. During this past May, I really felt things slipping away...and in fact, just yesterday I found a personals ad he had placed in his local paper during that month, stating that he was a "lonely guy" looking for "sexual encounters". And yet, I was being told that I smothered him.

 

Anyhow...he dumped me in June, saying he wanted to flirt with other women and didn't want to cheat on me. He asked me back two weeks later. But I could tell his heart was no longer in it. This caused me to cling to him even more, and he finally dumped me, for the 5th time, on August 7. We have been broken up ever since.

 

We stayed "friends with cyber-benefits" for about 2 months. Then I declared NC on October 3, and stayed that way for 5 days before breaking it. After I broke it, he almost seemed relieved, and it was obvious he had missed me. For the next 5 or so days, he was glued to my cyber-side, texting me constantly from morning until night, calling me pet names again, talking to me very affectionately.

 

Then, he found IMVU...and obviously, began meeting females. This past Saturday night, the 16th, he asked me for help with something...I tried to help him, then got told to quit bugging him. I haven't heard from him since, though I saw that he managed to find the time to log onto IMVU and tell someone else that he had reached his bandwidth limit for the month. I've not heard a word from him in 4 days.

 

So...I'm not a stupid woman. Logically speaking, I know this relationship is entirely toxic for me. He has reduced me to having practically no self-esteem and no sense of self-worth anymore. I feel that if =I= had just done better, he would still be mine. And frankly, I know he'll come back at some point, because as a friend recently told me, he needs me to feed his desire to abuse someone, and apparently, finding someone else to take his rage out upon isn't that easy.

 

And that's the crazy part...as much as I KNOW this relationship is horrible and I need to move on, I actually find myself daydreaming about the day he writes me again.

 

How in the world do I stop the cravings? How do I move past this? I used to be a strong, independent woman...now I am needy and clingy and feel as if I will never love again unless I have him back. Part of me is so jealous of the next woman he reels in, but part of me pities her immensely. And yet, I want him back so badly.

 

I have no experience in overcoming addiction, and it's obvious that I am addicted to this guy. Advice would be helpful, other than, "Get over it." It's just not that easy, and I'm envious of anyone for whom it is. But it ain't for me. As I said, I'm a fairly intelligent person, and I've always been strong and independent. For reasons I don't understand, I changed for him, and not for the better.

 

In summary...he is a mostly-unemployed bipolar narcissist who lives in his little brother's basement making a career of playing video games and surfing the Internet, he has no motivation whatsoever to better himself, he blames all his problems on anyone but himself, he is verbally abusive and has a deep and abiding hatred of women, he loathes himself to the Nth degree, and is the kind of person who spreads his poison to everyone who gets involved with him.

 

On the plus side, he's incredibly good-looking, extremely intelligent, and unbelievably charming...but none of that makes up for his abusive personality and his utter lack of ambition.

 

I need to figure out how to get to a point where I don't WANT him back...and I don't even know how to begin. 8(

 

Hi,

 

Sorry you are in this situation, I really feel for you. I have posted recently and was seeing a bipolar man (and probably just a bit of a **** in all honesty as well) and after supporting him through a lot and being kind and considerate and making him feel loved and respected, he cheated and left me, I had to go Sherlock and discover all this myself as he ghosted me. Still not over it yet, but I have got to the stage where I wouldn't want to be with him. He too was charming, handsome and modest.

 

I think the problem is you fall in love with someone who didn't ever exist, they get to know you, and show you everything they know you want to see, all the best bits of them (the love, marriage, promises, adoration, praise, 'the one' comments etc.) which reels you in and gets you hooked, I mean who wouldn't want to be treated like a princess! They promise you an amazing future like you've seen in the Disney films and they will convince you it's all real. I think we all want to be loved and treated this way. However, those with low self-esteem or in a bad place, feeling vulnerable (I include myself in this) may be sceptical at first, but will fall for this. Whereas women who are strong and feel happy in themselves, with our without a man, when faced with a guy declaring undying love within a couple of weeks will see the guy for what he is - someone who is desperate to fill a void in his own life by having a relationship with someone else who will feed their ego and validate them, until they get bored and move on to the next 'victim'. This is why the start is so intense, because they need to win you over and secure you. Part of it is probably the thrill of the chase too. I don't necessarily think this means he never cared, but you just fulfilled your purpose that he had for you (harsh as that sounds). I mean if he was honest and said 'well I like you a lot, but really I'm still chatting up other women because you're not my ideal women, I want xyz which you don't have, but until I find someone better I'm happy to be with you...' it's unlikely he'd have you eating out of the palm of his hand! Now I'm not even sure in my experience how much was bipolar and how much was him not being a nice guy.

 

In hindsight I got some very good advice. Believe someone by their actions, not their words. A man can tell you the most amazing things, message you every day, tell you how amazing you are and how he's never met anyone like you and only wants you...but do his actions match this? From your post, it seems very much not! But...I think what you have to ask yourself is - does the way he acts make me happy? Would you be happy to go through what you've been through over and over...always uncertain where you stand and what's going on with him? He sounds very mixed up and unstable from what you've said. It's not your place to 'save him', he needs to save himself, and he might not even want saving! Just because you value a secure, kind and supportive, monogamous relations, doesn't mean that's where his head is it.

 

You need to remember you are worthy of better than this man can offer. It doesn't matter if he moves on with another woman and is happy or stays single, he wasn't and isn't good enough for you and has proven that, multiple times. Love yourself and don't be used by those who don't deserve your love and respect. All you can do is think of it as a hard lesson learnt. Hopefully next time you will be able to be more cautious and reflect on behaviours you see and don't rush in to anything. Fill your time with friends and family and hobbies - keep distracted and eventually you'll start to care less