Breakup, please help

[jboptop]

This is my first time on this site. First of all, I would like to introduce myself and thank everyone who makes this site a good supportive community. I have been browsing for a little while tonight, and it seems like there are a lot of good people on here, focused on honestly dealing with the difficult emotions of life.

 

My ex-gf and I would have been together for about 3 years now, we lived together for a little over a year. We were best friends for about a year before that. About 1 year into the relationship, I was a senior at college and living on campus, she had graduated and was living at home at the time. I wasn't doing well personally, and our relationship was having problems. One night, I was extremely drunk and I took some pills someone gave me, I believe it was xanax or something or the sort. This put me in a state of losing control, and I cheated on my girlfriend that night.

 

The next day she called me I was unresponsive and cold. I could not believe or accept what I had done. Strangely, without knowing of what happened she broke up with me that day. After a few days of begging, pleading, and long days of panic and hopelessness, I finally made some effort towards moving on. Soon after, she contacted me and we ended up getting back together. I did not tell her about the cheating.

 

Our relationship improved after that. After being a slacker for most of my life, and barely making it through college, I really turned things around. I took extra classes to graduate early, got some decent grades, and was focused on getting a good job after college. E (my ex), had always planned on going abroad after college, its something she wanted to do for a long time. I couldn't really go/didn't want to, somehow I convinced her to stay in the US to be with me. Shortly after graduation, I got a good job in the city she was working in, and moved into her place. A couple months later, we signed a lease together, and got a place that was ours.

 

We were both making good money, living in a great place in the nicest part of the city, going out to fancy restaurants and drinks when we pleased. She made dinner almost every night for me after work, I did the dishes. We were spending most of our non-working time together. I had everything I ever wanted in life- the girl of my dreams, a place of my own, and a good job. We were on the same routine, our lives were on the same page. Obviously, things weren't perfect, and she had some doubts about signing a new lease, and the pressure this long-term commitment puts on a couple. Again, I convinced her to trust in the relationship.

 

This whole time I had the nagging secret in the back of my mind. As things were getting better and better, the guilt was getting worse and worse. Soon after she agreed that we should continue to live together, I told her what had happened in college.

 

Her reaction was not good (obviously). She cried in pain, and told me I had to leave, and there is no way we could ever be together. I told her it wasn't true, but agreed to leave immediately. I left that night for a cheap hotel. After a few days, and after my passionate e-mail telling her we could get through this failed (miserably), I left and went back to live with my parents.

 

This happened about 6 weeks ago. Needless to say, it has been painful beyond anything I could have imagined. I feel frequent anxiety, helplessness, and regret. I won't get into how hard it has been, I have read others explanations of these feelings, and I am sure most of you can imagine.

 

I have sent her countless e-mails, trying to get her just to talk to me. I finally convinced her to speak on the phone with me, and not surprisingly, it did not go well. She has told me over and over again, it is over forever, and how deeply she is hurt, and how nothing I could ever say or do can change this.

 

Last night I got her to speak with me on the phone again. She didn't want to really, but my protests of how we have barely spoken after so long together must have gotten to her. I can be a very persuasive person. It does me well at my sales job, but in emotional situations I push WAY too hard. I couldn't help myself. No matter how reasonably she explained to me that she just cannot try to forgive me, I pushed and pushed her to make an effort. Finally, she said she had to get off the phone. I lost it and kept e-mailing and texting her, eventually to the point where her response was "(my name) its over", then finally to "please stop texting me", while I was saying pathetic things like "please please don't do this to me", just trying to her to keep talking to me.

 

I got drunk after that. I was in a state of panic, I did not know what the hell to do. I could not handle the emotions, and really face it. I had gone some time before without contacting her- 2 weeks was the longest, and it had been about a week before yesterday. At points it seemed like I was making some progress, but it was mostly because I was simply focusing on myself, not truly dealing with the idea of losing her forever.

 

I do not know what to do now. Something inside me knows that I need to stop contacting her. I also feel as if I should write a very brief e-mail apologizing for last night. It caused her a lot more pain. I still want to get her back, more than anything in world.

 

I apologize for how long this is. I am really out of ideas with what to do. I want to get her back so badly, I do not know how to even put into words. At the same time, I realize that it may not be possible. Any advice, comments, really anything would be appreciated. I do not have a lot of close friends, only 1 who I feel I can talk to about this, and I don't see him very much at all, so it does kind of feel good to just say this.

Thanks for listening.

[marcs]

mate I know what your going through and I certainly feel your pain. Sorry to say this may sound harsh but I think your digging a bigger hole for yourself. There isnt much else you can do but let it go. Believe me its the only way. Youve done everything you could in chasing her apologising etc and its pushed her further away. If your not happy with the last interaction with her. If it were me I would send her an email to apologise and accept her decision to get closure. You have to its the only way to prevent further damage to yourself most importantly. Just my opinion.

[Triplell]

I went a little overboard with the contact when my ex and I broke up as well. Don't contact her for many reasons.

1. She asked you to stop. I didn't listen to my ex, and now I have a restraining order. It sucks, but I guess I deserve it (sorta).

2. She is upset with you. She needs time to take everything in. The incident was a long time ago and she may be able to forgive you. But you need to give her time to relfect on it.

 

If I could do everything over again, I would. First off, I would take back the horrible things I said to cause the breakup, but if I couldn't do that, I would have made one attempt at contacting her, and let her initiate the rest of the contact. And in this attempt, it would have been very well thought out. I would have said everything I wanted to say, and made sure I didn't forget anything. However it is much too late for that for me, and I feel it might be too late for that for you.

 

Cheating sucks. I cheated on my girlfriend the first week we were together. She was my first "actual" girlfriend. It ruined my relationship. Like you, I waited a while to tell her. I went and got tested the next day and avoided sex with her until I got the results back. When things finally did come out, it turned out she had cheated on me multiple times at that point. We were both able to forgive each other, but things were never the same. From then on out, there was always trust issues...rightfully so. I would later find out that she would have cheated on me multiple multiple times throughout the relationship.

 

I know I will never cheat again, and I never did for the next two years of the relationship. I still hold on to that. It really does just shred the relationship apart.

 

Good luck to you. Make sure you give her some time and some space. It sounds like you guys had a pretty healthy relationship otherwise, and it might take her a bit to be able to forgive you. She may even start dating other people. Trust me on this one though, these guys are not you. Unless she runs into the perfect guy, who by the way is rarely single, it will be highly unlikely that she gets as good of connection as she obviously got with you.

 

I can not stress enough that you need to not contact her. It will only push her further away. At some point, you may feel so weak, that you just HAVE to. Just remind yourself, if you two were in an argument, would you want to talk to her while she is mad? She'll contact you when she cools off, I promise. Until then, do things that make yourself better.

[jboptop]

Yes, I realize at this point I definitely need to stop contacting her. Like I said, I have done it a few times, but never made it past 2 weeks. I think this time is going to be different though. Thanks for the replies.