My wife's left me after 4 months

[theirlaw]

I met my wife in August 2000and have been married since november 2002 so only 4 months.

 

Friday before last I'm came home at work, my wife bust out crying and declared she didn't love me anymore, then kicked me out.

 

Her reason for not loving me is that I told her on the last day of our honeymoon that in the past I had slept with prostitutes - this was 8 yesars before i met her.

 

I cant help thinking there is more to it than than but she wont talk and uis pushing me away. There had never been any mention of this until she had seen a councelor who sugested she discused it with me.

 

Now she's as cold as Ice and I cant seem to find a way to break through.

 

We have been through some hard tmes since our marriage. My partner had a still born baby many years ago and is a single mother of a lovely 7 year old daughter. Since our marriage we have had two miscarriages which must be causing her pain but she cerrtainly is not showing it.

 

What am I to do, do I back of and wait or do I try to sho her repeated ly that I'm npot the bad man she thinks I am??

 

Any advice is always greatfully received.

 

With thanks

[osewa77]

Show her you have changed. Persistently, lovingly, consistently. Don't give her any reason to doubt you, however small. Slowly, very slowly, perhaps too slowly for you, she is likely change her mind about you. She's obviously in shock. Please consider professional counseling for either you alone or both of you if she agrees (it can only help!).

 

I wish you and you wife well. I hope you give her reason to get over the shock. Bye!

[simulacra]

There doesn't seem to be too much communication in terms of her telling you what she is reacting to. She doesn't love you anymore, she says, but why? I think there is more to her explanation than just the fact that feelings have changed. You need to get her to open up to you and to openly discuss with her the problems in your relationship. You are senstive to some experiences (ie. your past, her past, the miscarriages) that might be affecting her right now but you are still unsure, and there may be other things involved that you are not picking up. Let her know that you want to work this out with her since you are her husband and married her wanting to spend a lifetime with her. That sort of commitment must not be taken lightly. You obviously love her and are sensitive to her needs so you need to reaffirm that to her. Maybe a mediator/counsellor might be needed in order for you to sort this out and to make her open up again but that would be the first step towards saving this marriage.

 

I hope you can work things out with her.

[theirlaw]

Thank you both for your advice. My wife has been seeking councelling and in fact that is what led (to a certain extent) to this. Her reasons for not loving me anymore; now that's a big subject. In her mind it was the fact i told her of my past after we married. She has ben saying that in her mind the marriage never happened. I think she feels trapped and tricked in to the relationship as she wasn't given all the knowledge of my past to her to make up her mind before we.

 

Deep in my heart I'm sure this is not the real reson. I know to some people sleeping with prostitutes is a big thing. To me, it was long ago and so insignificant to me but I do understand her position.

 

I have sugested joint counceling that i would pay for while we live appart until the November deadline !! unfortuneately so far she has turned this down.

 

It's been nearly two weks since I was asked to leave and we have spoken nearly ever day either by phone or email. She stil has a lot of barriers up and I'm noew trying to back off and when we speak next be amicable and not try to talk about the bad things. I think every time I question her being right about her decision I am making things worse.

 

I just cant believe that what I" told her is the only reason. It seems to me she's just blaming the last 4 months unhappinesss (this is when the miscarriags occurred) on my "secret"...

 

i locve her dearly and wil not give up, just got to get softly, softly on ;-)

[Huligan]

might be...she is out of her mind....

[theirlaw]

well a lot of people would agree, doesn't help that I love her though ;-)

[Huligan]

seriously, i think someone holds back somewhat

[theirlaw]

dont follow mate...

[popeye]

Dear Theirlaw,

 

I admire your strength and patience in your love for your wife. Not a whole lot of men could do that these days. When you've given your best, and if you still truly love your wife, sometimes loving also means letting go and setting it free. Someone once quoted to me, "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be". I wish you luck and happiness.