One year ago today...

[Oneironaut]

One year ago right now, I had flown 2,500 miles to see my ex, had landed in Toronto, obtained my rental car, and was navigating the insane traffic on the freeway, heading down to the mall where he and I were going to meet.

 

When our eyes met, it was incredible...we hugged for a full minute in the food court, completely oblivious to everything going on around us. He told me for the next 10 months that he knew he was hugging the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with...

 

In less than half an hour, we will have shared our first kiss...also the most incredible of my life. We talked about our time together for months and months afterwards...pretty much right up until the day he dumped me.

 

I can't stop crying...I would give almost anything to go back to that moment...it wasn't just that I was going to meet him, I was also having the adventure of a lifetime. Now my life utterly sucks, with no light on the horizon. There are so many things I would do differently, if I could go back.

 

Anyhow, I'm in more pain than I ever thought possible...it has been 10 weeks since we broke up...does it ever stop hurting?? Right now, it truly doesn't feel like it...

 

*Puts her head down on the desk and just cries hard*

 

 

[Snowy]

Yeah its hard.

 

But you have to accept reality and move on with YOUR life.

 

If he dumped you, then it means you guys aren't suppose to be together.

 

You can cry over him once, but once is enough. You are the master of yourself and your life.

 

Why are you making yourself sad over someone who is now gone already.

 

You need to turn over a new page right now and search for your next love.

[Oneironaut]

Heh...because he's not gone. I couldn't stick with NC...I managed for 4 days, I think it was, then I sent him a text saying I knew I wasn't supposed to talk to him (even though I'm the one who initiated it, LOL), and then told him something about a game we both play.

 

He wrote back and said, "If it hurts to talk to me, why are you?"

 

I said because I missed his company, and that I had realized that his friendship was valuable to me, even though I was still in love with him.

 

He then texted, "So, we can talk again?" I said yes.

 

We had a long talk after that, and he said we could be friends, even best of friends, but that a romantic relationship was not going to happen...which I've heard before (this is the 5th time he's dumped me...he's bipolar. Enough said, LOL). Later that night, he said a few things that made me realize that my going NC had made him feel abandoned...he was actually quite hurt by it.

 

For the next 5 days, he was literally glued to my cyber-side. He would start texting me first thing in the morning, and continue chatting with me all day...each day we spent between 10 and 16 hours in constant contact. He got very affectionate with me, doing all sorts of emotes that he knew I loved while we IM'd. The fact that he had missed me tremendously during those days of NC was fairly obvious.

 

Unfortunately, I started getting clingy again...apparently, I didn't learn my lesson. So about 3 days ago, he began to back away again. This frustrated me...I honestly felt like I was close to winning him back.

 

I still don't understand what was going on in his head those days he followed me around like a puppy...the fact is, if you KNOW someone is still in love with you, which he is very aware of, and you are NOT comfortable with it, then you DON'T spend countless hours with them every day, day after day, being affectionate and mushy and talking about great memories of the past, including a LOT of talking about how wonderful was the time we spent together.

 

I can't go NC again, without it being permanent, and I've already proven that I don't have the strength to do it. I am realizing, however, that if I'm going to have any chance of getting him back, I need to stop being so g-d clingy...he doesn't like it. He WANTS the chase, and I don't give it to him. It isn't the first time a man has told me I didn't give him a chance to chase...

 

I appreciate your advice, Snowy, but when a person truly believed they found The One, crying just once isn't an option, LOL...maybe it is for you, but not for me. But thank you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You will only let him go for good when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Don't expect his erratic push/pull behaviour to ever change..if you want to finally overcome the pain you will have to cut him out of your life for good, otherwise you will continue on this merry-go-round for a very very long time.

[query]

i did the same thing flew in 2 years from this December after over a year ldr, and broke up 2 months ago

[AutumnBorn]

....Unfortunately, I started getting clingy again...apparently, I didn't learn my lesson. So about 3 days ago, he began to back away again. This frustrated me...I honestly felt like I was close to winning him back.

 

....I can't go NC again, without it being permanent, and I've already proven that I don't have the strength to do it. I am realizing, however, that if I'm going to have any chance of getting him back, I need to stop being so g-d clingy...he doesn't like it. He WANTS the chase, and I don't give it to him. It isn't the first time a man has told me I didn't give him a chance to chase...

 

 

Nobody finds clingy attractive. It's as unappealing and unsexy as begging. You've got to decide what's more important - immediate gratification or your future happiness. I recommend you get a copy of The Rules, memorize them, and put them into action immediately. Do not deviate from them until he's begging you to marry him. That's my advice.

 

What I really want to tell you is bipolar is scary. Why you'd sign up for that, I don't know. A former "friend" of mine was/is bipolar and staying with me for a few months. She made me want to move into my office until she left...but she didn't leave until I kicked her out (because I found her using heroin in my house!) It was awful.

[Oneironaut]

Well, guys, this will be my last post on this forum. Things changed, and I'm finally ready to move on.

 

Basically, he joined IMVU about a week ago, and invited me to join it, also, which I did. Last night I got to looking at his personal page...well, guess what, LOL...there were messages on there from a female.

 

Keeping in mind that I couldn't see his messages, only hers, in order:

 

"About what you're really like..."

 

"I figured you'd say something like that."

 

"I didn't mean anything by it. I'm a curious person by nature, so when someone replies with something like that, I naturally become more curious. It wasn't meant to be rude or offensive, and I'm sorry if you took it that way."

 

"I may not be on until late so hopefully I will see you. If I don't see you then have a wonderful night and I will hopefully see you tomorrow."

 

Needless to say, all of this was a punch in the stomach. I literally felt like I'd been hit or something. And what I REALLY saw was the pattern of his push/pull crap starting all over again. In fact, I could have written every one of those messages from her.

 

I did a lot of thinking today...a lot. And I realized that I will not be his stand-by while he is out scouting for other women. And not only that...I began to be honest about our relationship.

 

When he and I were first together, we began exchanging emails every day. One day I sent him one, and I can't remember what I said, but his reply was quite vicious, and he told me to go to hell. I apologized, telling him that I hadn't meant to offend him. He wrote back later, saying he was sorry, he had just gotten out of bed and that he'd misunderstood something I said.

 

When I read those 4 messages from her, the 3rd one in particular, I saw that pattern starting all over again, just with someone else.

 

And now, it's time for a confession, one that is very difficult for me to make, but I must come clean because I believe it will help me begin to heal:

He is incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive.

 

I haven't ever mentioned that before, because I guess I was embarrassed...that I'd allowed it to go on so long, and that I was still in love with him. I can't explain it to anyone who hasn't been there...before now, I'd always mocked women in abusive relationships, with that wonderful, judgmental, "If they don't like it, they should JUST LEAVE" attitude, which I'm sure some of you are having right now.

 

Well, it simply isn't that easy, and NO, it's not. It doesn't start out that way...it builds slowly and gradually, and the abuser stays just loving enough to keep you reeled in. He always has excuses for his behavior, and after a while, you find yourself believing those excuses, and even making them FOR him. And obviously, I have some issues that kept me in the relationship for so long, even after the abuse started. I need to figure out what those are, and heal them, before I get involved with anyone else.

 

I am an incredibly jealous person, and even though I am jealous of his latest...victim, I also feel incredibly sorry for her. She doesn't know what she's in for, but I can give her some ideas.

 

He'll charm the hell out of her at first, with wit and compliments, all while carefully picking up on her weaknesses, which he will use against her later. There will be little outbursts at first; obviously, he hadn't responded well to her 2nd message, thus pushing her into apologizing in her 3rd. But by her 4th, he'd already charmed her back in. That will happen more and more and more. One night, they'll be chatting or whatever, and he'll go into a manic mood and call her names. The first rude name I was called was, "worthless c*nt". Then he laughs it off, and says he's just joking. If she's smart, she'll leave then. I wasn't smart, and I didn't leave then.

 

He will put her on a pedestal, and make her feel like a Queen. He will come up with pet names right away, based on what he's learned about the way her mind works, that are designed to enamor her of him. Then, she'll make a mistake of some sort, and he'll fly into a rage and tell her to leave him alone, to f*ck off. If she's smartened up at all, she'll leave then. But if she doesn't, she'll do exactly what he wants, which is to beg him to come back. I cannot count how many times he threatened to leave, and I begged him not to.

 

He puts women on pedestals and expects perfection of them, all while never admitting his own mistakes. When he screws up somehow, and she gets upset, he'll turn it around on her, and she'll end up feeling guilty, if she's anything like me. If he ever does admit a mistake, he'll immediately take the, "I'm a worthless screw-up, you should just leave me right now, I'm a piece of sh!t" attitude. She'll soothe him and tell him no, he's not, he's just human. Mark that day, sweetie, because it'll be one of the few he ever admits to a mistake.

 

Eventually, he'll start to tell her he's just sick and tired of her making mistakes, and if she doesn't straighten up, he's leaving for good this time. She'll try and try, but no matter what, she can never meet his standards. He'll start calling her a f*cking retard, a dumb wh*re, and other names designed to make her question her own self-worth. If she tries to defend herself, he'll simply hang up until she's back in her place. If she tries to complain about problems in the relationship, she'll be called a b*tch, and he'll complain that she's nagging him ceaselessly.

 

And I won't even go into his dark fetishes...he has many, and they are not pleasant.

 

If she's smart, she'll leave before he ruins her completely. If she's not, which I almost wasn't, it will take her a long time to recover, as it is going to take me.

 

I read back over posts I've written here, and I made him sound so awesome, and like our relationship was wonderful. I was lying to myself...I was only remembering what it used to be like, before the verbal abuse started, what I wanted it to be like again...I wasn't facing up to the reality of what it was.

 

He is bipolar and narcissistic...he hates women, told me once that he'd kill his own mother if he could get away with it. He loathes himself to such a degree that he believes he isn't worthy of anyone's love, so he'll push her away every time she shows it too much. But if she doesn't show it enough, he'll accuse her of not loving him.

 

She is entering into a no-win situation with a man who is manipulative, angry, borderline psychotic (yes, he had problems with reality at times...major problems I won't go into), who lives in his little brother's basement playing video games, is unemployed most of the year, and has absolutely no ambition to better himself. I very much doubt he will change, because he won't admit he has a problem; he thinks everything that goes wrong in his life is someone else's fault.

 

All that being said...I still don't regret the time I spent with him last year, the subject of my OP. It was truly the best time we had together, and for 2 months afterward, we got along great. The sex was incredible, and he made me feel loved, plus I got to leave the country for the first time in my life. I wouldn't take back those memories for anything.

 

Now, here's the best part: My revenge will be in the fact that I will move on. I will find someone else who loves me, and treats me with respect. I will eventually get married again someday, and hopefully, live happily for a long time.

 

He will go from relationship to relationship, demanding perfection, abusing them, breaking them down, and then tossing them away when he thinks he can find someone who can be as perfect as he thinks they should be. He will leave behind a string of unhappy, miserable women. He will most likely die a very lonely, angry man. He is incapable of ever finding long-lasting love. I honestly pity him, but I want nothing to do with him anymore. FINALLY.

 

So, if I post at all anymore, it will be on the Healing from a Breakup board. Because I am ready to heal and move on.

 

Some of you are probably judging me for this; that's fine. It doesn't affect me in the least. As I said, I used to judge women in these positions, too, thinking that as a strong person, I'd NEVER allow that to happen to me. I will never judge them again.

 

I will come out of this better than before, because I have learned from it.

 

Thank you to everyone who responded to my posts with thoughtful responses, especially those who gave advice they would actually follow themselves. Take care, and good luck to all.