My Official Day 1 of NC...hooray for me!

[Oneironaut]

My last thread explains how I got to this point, for those who care to read it:

 

 

 

Anyhow, today begins my First Official Day of NC. I woke up feeling kind of lousy, but as the day has worn on, I'm definitely feeling better. I hung out with a friend briefly a little bit ago, she said I'm sounding much better than I was last night.

 

I believe the reason for this is that for the first time since the breakup, and since we went into friendship mode 2 weeks later/6 weeks ago, I don't have to worry about whether or not he's going to write. I don't have to be upset because he logged onto AIM, then didn't write me. I don't have to worry about him saying something rude, nor do I have to feel bad about myself because I'm allowing him to dictate all the terms of our communication.

 

I'm not in the least bit worried about ME breaking NC. I know I won't. Perhaps 6 weeks of mostly NIC helped with this, because the one thing I read here a lot is that the Dumpee has a hard time not breaking NC. That's not even an issue with me, as I truly have no desire whatsoever to try and contact him via any means.

 

My main concern is how I'm going to handle it when he writes me.

 

Yes, I used the word, "when". Every single person I have talked to who knows about our relationship agrees that it's just a matter of time, even my mom, who cannot stand him, lol. He's been in complete control of our relationship since the breakup, and with my NC email, I took that control away. When he's done licking his ego wounds, I have zero doubt that he's going to test me and my resolve.

 

Not only is he undoubtedly upset because I took control away, to be honest, I really don't think his feelings for me were dead, anyhow. As I've listed on other threads, there were too many examples of how much he was enjoying having me in his life not to believe he was warming up to me again.

 

But, as the cliche' goes, he was having his cake and eating it too, while all I was getting were the crumbs. When I told him I still loved him 2 weeks ago, and he not only continued contacting me but also started calling me pet names 3 days later, he was obviously NOT uncomfortable with what I'd said, though he never brought it up. What he WAS uncomfortable with about my email is that I took charge of the situation, and he's not used to that from me. I've been very much the passive one in this relationship, with him being extremely dominating.

 

So, what I'm doing now is trying to prepare myself for the day I hear from him. I have printed out a list of reasons to stay in NC, and I carry them with me everywhere, including to work and to bed. I read them when I start feeling weak. I won't c&p the entire list here, but two of the points include:

 

"First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.

 

No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker."

 

I need to remember these for the day when that AIM window pops up again, or the text message shows up on my phone. If I let him back into my life for ANY reason other than him desiring reconciliation, I'm letting a source of major emotional pain control me again.

 

So, as of right now, I'm feeling pretty confident and strong about the entire thing. In an hour, that might change, lol...I've already had some moments of wondering if I should have just let things go, because after all, we'd probably be playing Starcraft 2 right now and maybe flirting and chatting...but then, at the end of the day, he'd have gotten all the benefits of having a girlfriend without taking on ANY of the commitment or responsibility, while I would be spending another night lying in bed, wondering if maybe TOMORROW is the day he'll want me back.

 

Anyhow, this road is going to be bumpy but it's necessary for me right now. Thank you to everyone who has helped get me here and given me their support. It has helped me more than words can say.

[Snowy]

Good for you!

 

Nice work.

[Oneironaut]

Thank you.

 

Not feeling quite as good today, though...I'm off work and can't really afford to get out and do much, so I'm just sitting here, thinking about how if I hadn't sent that email, maybe he and I would be chatting and talking and playing together. I just keep trying to remind myself of what I said up above, that yeah, I could be doing that with him right now, but at the end of the day, he'd still not be my boyfriend.

 

I read that it takes weeks, even months, for them to begin to miss you after you go NC. I'm so impatient, lol...I want him to miss me NOW!! And I guess he probably does...as I've said many times, he's the one who has initiated contact nearly every day for 6 weeks...unless he's totally emotionless (which he's not...if anything, he's quite emo at times), he's got to be feeling the pinch to some degree.

 

Ah, well...just need to take it one day at a time...and start trying to work on improving myself. It's a beautiful sunny day, and I only live 2 blocks from the Pacific ocean. Maybe a walk on the beach will make me feel better.

[Kevo]

I'm right with you, Oneironaut. I told her this morning that we're going NC

 

 

 

Mine was the same as yours, initiating contact almost every day. I'm sure they miss us. Stay strong and don't break for anything less than 100% of what you want.

[Oneironaut]

Well, today is Day 3...I wish I could say it's getting easier, but it isn't, lol...I had the urge to write him this morning and tell him about something that had happened, but I squelched it pretty easily. If there is any contact, it HAS to come from him, period.

 

I can say in all honesty that the feelings of regret for sending the NC email are fading. Yes, this hurts, but in a way, it's almost liberating, too...even though I do believe he will contact me eventually because of our history, I know it won't be any time soon. So in the meantime, I can go about my business without the complications his presence always causes. I can focus a little better on what I need to do in order to take care of myself.

 

Sigh...that being said, I still miss our banter tremendously. About 2 days before I sent the email, we were flirting quite hard and it was FUN. I know it was for him, too. And in a way, maybe it's good that I sent the email soon after that. Yeah, he's mad because I took the power away from him, but our most recent memories are good ones...that's always a positive thing.

 

Anyhow, I'm off to work, it'll be a short day but it keeps me somewhat busy. And it's payday, yay! It's already spent, but, what else is new.

[LarsWB]

It has it's ups and downs...so HANG in there! Some days will be better than others....you might go a week feeling on top of the world to a week feeling horrible - at least that's what I've experienced. There are things that trigger me wanting to talk to her, tell about something...usually something we'd always call each other about, or something funny...but it seems to me that as each day passes, the longer and longer I go, the more I feel like I just CAN'T break it. I can't do it. Since I started NC, I've not contacted her once...she's only contacted me. She's started calling and Skyping our son more often (he lives with me - she left)...and when she does contact me, every single time, it's been about our son BUT it's unimportant things that I already know...since I raise him. I get the feeling she's reaching out. I only reply with something civil, funny as hell, or both. Nothing more.

I guess my point is hang in there, whatever you do...days turn into weeks, weeks into months. Be DEAD to the other person, SILENT, and let them see what it's like without you. Just because they don't contact you right away doesn't mean it's not eating them from the inside out. I might be, might not be. Depending on what you want (reconcile or move on with life), you may or may not care. Don't give in - it takes your power and dignity away IMMEDIATELY and gives it to them. You'll feel TERRIBLE afterward if the conversation, email, or text doesn't go like you planned. Good luck to ya - stay strong~

[Kevo]

Hang in there!! I love your idea of making notes on why not to contact them. I think I'll need to write some myself pretty soon as the urge was swelling up earlier today. I especially need one to keep me off facebook! I unfortunately checked today and this other guy has posted something flirty on her wall. She responded ignoring his flirts thankfully. Then I check this a-hole's wall to wall thing and see that for years (!) he's been sending her all kinds of flirty garbage. She never responded once, again thankfully. What a scumbag. He was the only guy who offered to drive her to CO but as soon as she said "ok" she told me that he got creepy with messages to her so she told him nevermind about the ride. She told me that he was the guy who sent her an obscene text when we first started dating. Looking back I'm amazed that I handled that situation as cool as I did. I just told her "don't worry about it. You didn't do anything wrong. Just set him straight" and she did. Now, I'm not even dating her and I'd die to know where this guy lives. I swear these losers flock when they sense prey. She also updated her status that she's never been more driven and it feels great. I couldn't help but wonder if that was referring to some motivation to work on herself to get me back or something but, sigh... no point to thinking about that.

 

You're lucky you get to walk on the beach. I moved away from the lake in June so I've been taking afternoon walks in the parking lot of my office building. The walks help tremendously... the scenery sucks.

[jenna-is-here]

Nice! It gets harder then easier then harder again. Hang in there and write to us as much as you need to in order to stick to nc!

[Oneironaut]

There are things that trigger me wanting to talk to her, tell about something...usually something we'd always call each other about, or something funny...but it seems to me that as each day passes, the longer and longer I go, the more I feel like I just CAN'T break it. I can't do it....Just because they don't contact you right away doesn't mean it's not eating them from the inside out.

 

I agree that it's only day 3, but I already feel like I just CAN'T contact him. Yeah, I had a vague urge this morning, to tell him some news that he would have been interested in, but then I realized, what am I going to say after that? "Hope all is well with you"? I don't. I hope he's miserable and lonely without me to fall back on now.

 

And having known him for as long as I have, let's just say I feel sorry for his roommates, LOL...he's almost certainly irritable as hell right now, because I would be surprised to find out it ISN'T eating at him. Few people can go from being in touch with someone every single day multiple times to no contact at all without it weighing on them.

 

Not only that, but I also know him well enough to know that in some way, this DID raise his level of respect for me. The last time we broke up, he started being quite mean to me...finally, I wrote him an email telling him that if he didn't start treating me better, then I had no interest in ever hearing from him again.

 

He asked me back 2 days later, LOL...so whenever I have the urge to write that IM, I just remember that if I do, every single ounce of respect he may be gaining for me as the days wear on will be gone in an INSTANT, and I'll be back to Square One.

 

NO, THANK YOU!!!

 

I love your idea of making notes on why not to contact them. I think I'll need to write some myself pretty soon as the urge was swelling up earlier today. I especially need one to keep me off facebook!

 

Fortunately, I never got into FB, so I don't have that problem. But if you're having an issue staying away, yes, I highly recommend writing up some reasons for staying NC and printing them out. It has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I read it before I go to bed at night, when I get up in the morning, and anytime I'm feeling wishy-washy about staying NC. We did the right thing, so we have to keep it up.

 

Thanks, everyone, for your support! I love this place!

[Oneironaut]

Day 4...starting to really feel the pinch of not even having his "friendship" company.

 

Oh, and for some dumb reason, this morning, I re-added him to AIM...I wanted to see if he'd blocked me or not. He hasn't...and that actually made me quite angry.

 

I know for a fact that he thinks I won't be able to maintain NC. He thinks I have NO willpower, especially when it come to him.

 

Some of his last words to me before NC were, "Being a couple is not possible"...so if that's true, and knowing that he thinks I'll cave on NC...why the hell not BLOCK ME, so he won't have to deal with it "when" I do cave?

 

I hate it when he pulls this crap. It's all head games...I've seen it so many times before. He tells me he wants nothing to do with me, then blocks me...then unblocks me several days later, which in essence, is "opening the door" to possible communication.

 

If you REALLY don't want to hear from someone, EVER, you block them and keep it that way. I know, because I have blocked people I never wanted to hear from again, and they've never come off that list.

 

Unfortunately for him, all this did was make me even more determined to stick with the NC. He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't know THIS me...the one he's made a more cynical person.

 

Sigh...all that being said...later I got to feeling quite sad again. I was clearing out some text messages, and I still haven't been able to bring myself to delete a bunch from him.

 

I just don't understand how on EARTH someone could tell me on August 6, "I can't wait to stare into your beautiful green eyes again and hold you close.. I love you, Kitten, very much so..", and then DUMP me on August 7 in a moment of anger.

 

I didn't ask him to say those things to me mere days before we broke up...he did that on his own. Why?? I've broken up with people before, but I always knew it was coming in advance, so the LAST thing I did was tell them mere days beforehand how much I loved them and wanted to be with them. Oh, HELL, no!

 

What a miserable b@st@rd...fine, leave me unblocked...that way, every single day that goes by that I DON'T write you, YOU'LL be the one feeling rejected.

 

Won't that be a nice change?

[Oneironaut]

Sigh...I pulled a stupid. I realized it was the 1st day of the new NHL season...he and I are both hockey fans, and our teams are divisional rivals.

 

So for some dumb reason which I can't seem to fathom now, I sent him an IM that basically said, "Happy Opening Day for the new hockey season...may the best team take the division."

 

As SOON as I hit Send, I thought, "WTH are you doing?!?" and promptly logged out of AIM entirely.

 

Does this mean tomorrow I have to start all over at Day 1...?

[MissyMolly]

Good job! I am exactly the same as you - I have NO doubt about my resolve to NEVER reach out to him, but I worry about that resolve if HE reaches out ME. NC (no contact) is not a simple one way street. No its not. You CAN resolve to NEVER contact your ex, and that's GREAT, except, in my case, can I resolve to be unaffected if HE reaches out to me? Case in point - he called ME 4 days or so ago - it shattered everything I had done in the last 2 months.

I have no advice to give you here, other than to let you know that I understand the TWO sides to NC. One side is your OWN NC - maintaining that ability to NEVER contact them. THE other sometimes MORE difficult side of NC, is when they contact you.

Hang in there.....

[Tired Tiger]

...he and I are both hockey fans, and our teams are divisional rivals.

 

Same here, which worked out quite well this year, as she's a Flyer fan. My Blackhawks gave her a lesson in 'karma'.

[Oneironaut]

Same here, which worked out quite well this year, as she's a Flyer fan. My Blackhawks gave her a lesson in 'karma'.

 

LOL! Well, thank you for that, I've been feeling pretty lousy for this. I was so committed to NC, and damn hockey got in the way...in any case, I have to admit, I rather hope he just doesn't respond. I know most of us break NC hoping for a response, but honestly, I hope he just totally ignores it. It would truly be better for me, that way, although I've already learned my lesson. The very fact that I have to start over at Day 1 again tomorrow is, in itself, one hell of a punishment...](*,)

[Kevo]

LOL! Well, thank you for that, I've been feeling pretty lousy for this. I was so committed to NC, and damn hockey got in the way...in any case, I have to admit, I rather hope he just doesn't respond. I know most of us break NC hoping for a response, but honestly, I hope he just totally ignores it. It would truly be better for me, that way, although I've already learned my lesson. The very fact that I have to start over at Day 1 again tomorrow is, in itself, one hell of a punishment...](*,)

 

Haha mine is at the hawks / avalanche game. Not sure who I want to win.... aww the Hawks of course!

 

Don't worry about it, Oneironaut. Remember, the only thing that matters is what you think and if you're ok with your actions, then it didn't matter for anything! Call tomorrow Day 1 or Day 5 with an indiscretion... doesn't matter as long as you're feeling good.

[AceGirl]

Re your previous post, I am in a similar situation, tho I think i'm weaker with NC, up until yesterday we were txting/calling then last night I didn't answer 2 calls and 3 txts, hes egging me on and I am alone and hurt. I have not told him I'm going NC, because I'm not sure of my ability to stay NC yet (fresh breakup, 1 week old) but I will just do it best I can. Anyways what I was going to say was about when you said about the txt you got on August 6, then he broke it up the very next day! WOW, I don't understand this way of thought either, my ex came to my house the night we broke up in a suit and tie (he never dresses up) he has a station wagon type car and he made a double bed up in the back of it for us to go to a look out and look at the stars! Things went ok but before we went to the look out we got some dinner together and I ate too much and felt too full while we were in the car so didn't want to hug him. Any way things seems good anyway he did something so romantic, it was getting late so he drove me home, and just as I was getting out of the car he began to cry, I said whats wrong? He said he wants to break up! I mean * * * ! Why did he just take me out for dinner, dress up and set a bed in the back of his car to watch the stars and city together for him to just break up after?? It such weird behavior. If it was me being the dumper I would just drive over and sit at a table or in the car and do it, I would not do all that romantic stuff 1st!? -any ideas what it is that makes men love you one day and not the next? Or in my case one hour and not the next?..

[LarsWB]

Sigh...I pulled a stupid. I realized it was the 1st day of the new NHL season...he and I are both hockey fans, and our teams are divisional rivals.

 

So for some dumb reason which I can't seem to fathom now, I sent him an IM that basically said, "Happy Opening Day for the new hockey season...may the best team take the division."

 

As SOON as I hit Send, I thought, "WTH are you doing?!?" and promptly logged out of AIM entirely.

 

Does this mean tomorrow I have to start all over at Day 1...?

 

REMEMBER that feeling....the one you felt as soon as you sent the txt. Remember how it feels when he doesn't respond. Next time you get the urge to contact him, remember that feeling. I do and that's what keeps me in NC. Hang in there!

[Oneironaut]

REMEMBER that feeling....the one you felt as soon as you sent the txt. Remember how it feels when he doesn't respond. Next time you get the urge to contact him, remember that feeling. I do and that's what keeps me in NC. Hang in there!

 

Thank you, I am keeping in mind how it felt. In fact, this morning I feel like I have an "emotional hangover"...rather hard to describe, but yeah, I know I did something dumb and I don't like looking dumb.

 

I doubt he will reply and truthfully, I hope he doesn't. Him responding would only cause me to have to resist the urge to respond back, and I don't even want to go there.

 

At least you guys are pretty understanding about this, lol...I was on another forum for a brief while before finding this one, and the people there were RABID about NC. To them, it was THE only thing to do upon a breakup, ever, period, end of story, and you stuck to it OR ELSE.

 

When I disagreed, and said human emotions and relationships are far too complex for there to be a "one-size-fits-all" solution to all conflicts, I was literally called names, including a p*ssy.

 

So much for a mature, intelligent conversation. I came there to get support, not be bullied...

 

So...Day 1 of NC for me, yay!

[Kevo]

So...Day 1 of NC for me, yay!

 

And Kevo pulls into the lead at Day 3!

 

I don't know what can make guys love you one day and not the next to your and AceGirl's question. My girl and I had fought quite a bit in the months leading up to the break. We were living with her parents which just put an asinine amount of stress on each of us. I suggested we just move out but she didn't go for that. My only thought is that although it may have seemed sudden, it probably wasn't in his mind.

 

If you think about it, there is no way that one day you're in love and then despite the fact that nothing happened, the next day/moment they're confident enough to tell you that it's over. Something was going on that they weren't telling you. I was terrible about communication myself. That is something I need to work on. I suspect that each of your guys needed to talk about something but chose not to so you never had a chance to answer and the break up hit you out of the blue.

 

AceGirl, I hate to say it but maybe he was giving your relationship one last chance and it didn't go the way he would have liked? Just a thought since that date seemed to be more over the top than what you'd normally do. Did his attitude change throughout the night from happy and upbeat to cold and distant? That might help pinpoint what went wrong. Just a thought since your experience does seem odd. Don't beat yourself up about anything though.